10 Literary Alternatives to "Netflix and Chill"

*SPOILERS*

Wait, who am I kidding? No one reads anymore. Proceed.

1. The Catcher in the Rye and hire a prostitute just to talk

2. Middlemarch and marry the wrong person

"But...but marrying you would make me so happy. That won't do." 

3. Lolita and rape your prepubescent stepdaughter

4. Catch-22 and for a brief moment believe that your dead friend's prostitute girlfriend wants to have sex with you before realizing that, no, she is still trying to kill you

5. Much Ado About Nothing and publicly shame and humiliate your fiancee at your wedding because you have been tricked into believing she is cheating on you by a man referred to as "the bastard prince"

"You whore!" Awkward.

6. The Great Gatsby and idolize the man in love with your married cousin who throws extravagant parties and always calls you "Old Sport"

7. 'Tis Pity She's a Whore and skewer your sister/lover's heart with a dagger before parading it around at her husband's birthday feast

Best-worst last line in the history of English literature

8. The Scarlet Letter and secretly father an illegitimate child, leaving your partner to take the fall

9. Jane Eyre and torture the man you love, who is also your boss, by consenting to marry him then leaving him after you discover he has stowed his mentally insane wife in the attic—that's right, he's already married!

Actually, Penguin Classics, Jane describes herself as plain and unattractive. Get it together.

10. The Odyssey and lynch the 12 unfaithful maids who fraternized with your wife's 108 suitors while you were away on business

A romance.

2016 Bucket List

"The right time is any time that one is still so lucky as to have..."- Henry James

So, this is going to be a grab bag of personal goals and fun things to do this year, in no particular order of importance and subject to future updates and revisions as my wanton, womanly whims waft me. Luckily, Los Angeles is full of restaurants to sample, bizarre workouts to try, museums to visit, and guinea pigs to cuddle. Here's to a great 2016.

1. Volunteer at Los Angeles Guinea Pig Rescue

SO FLUFFY!!! Photo via LA Guinea Pig Rescue

Why haven't I done this yet. Why am I not hanging out with dozens of guinea pigs right now. SO FREAKING CUTE. TEARS. CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW.

2. Go hammock camping

Ever since my sister bought me a $5 hammock at Five Below, I have been dreaming about sipping wine in my hammock before a blazing fire while watching Netflix (that's what people do when they're camping...right?) As far as I can tell, all you need to go hammock camping is a hammock, tree straps, and two appropriately spaced trees. Living the dream!

3. Host a clothing swap (or three)

Leftover shoes from the last swap

When I told my sister that this was on my bucket list, she observed that, "Saying you're going to host a clothing swap this year is like saying, 'This year, I'm going to take a poop." She's not wrong. I'm taking one right now.

4. Start a local Artist's Way group

I participated in an Artist's Way group last year and it kind of sort of changed my life. This is one of those books that makes an evangelist out of you—the kind you give to your friends and strangers on the metro. Due to my continuing commitment to drive only when necessary, I would like to start a group close to my house. Like, walking/biking distance.

5. Ride my bike during CicLAvia

This is one of my favorite LA events. They shut down miles of public streets just for bikes/pedestrians/rollerbladers/skateboarders/scooters. I may have moved out of the valley but that doesn't mean I'm not going to haul/public-transpo my bike up there for this event.

6. Be in my brother's wedding

My brother is getting married!!! Not only is he all grown up (real job and everything), he's also an amazing person to talk to and hang out with. Sibling lottery on lock.

7. Make my own Bloody Mary mix from scratch.

I tried this once with fresh-squeezed tomato juice and the results were just "meh." Moral of the story: keep your tomatoes canned and your pepper gratuitous.

8. Take up weight lifting

9. Ride my bike to the beach


10. Visit the Broad

11. Learn to sew

I may or may not have taken a free sewing class at Mood LA two years ago. I may or may not have only gotten to the part where we pinned the pieces of a tote bag together. I may or may not still have those pinned together pieces sitting in my car. *Hangs head in shame*

12. Get a new job

13. Find a spiritual community or group that doesn't cause spontaneous feminist combustion

14. Be an extra in a web series as "Hipster Party Goer"

CHECK AND CHECK

15. Try acroyoga

16. Get health insurance

17. Learn how to [ice] skate backwards

So, this one time, I tried out for the hockey team at Cambridge when I was studying abroad. I put on all the gear, I went through all the drills, and though I wasn't the worst skater of the bunch, I could not for the life of me skate backwards. More than one person, including one really cute guy, tried to show me but I could—not—get—it. Goals.

18. Be an extra in a music video as "Skater Girl."

CHECK AND CHECK

My Top Five Posts of 2015

2015 may have been the year I spent recovering from everything that happened in 2014, mostly a horrible relationship that managed to hit the traumatic trifecta of my personal life, professional life, and spiritual life.

The question of 2014 was, "How will I ever heal from this?"

The answer of 2015 was, "Through writing. And by the grace of God."

Writing has been one of the most healing practices in my life—and I'm beyond grateful to be able to do that here.

On that note, here are my five favorite posts from 2015, in the order they were written:

Photo by Matthias Ripp

1. Why is Church Cliquey? Part 4

"There's that familiar narrative we tell each other after a breakup: Time to move on. You can do better. There are plenty of denominations in this diocese, or something like that. And I feel a bit silly. Like I'm all torn up over a breakup where the guy was never really that into me in the first place."

I don't know if I would describe this as a personal favorite, but as the latest in my "Why is Church Cliquey?" series it feels significant to my journey as a Christian and (post) Evangelical. Looking back, I can see how even though I left my church for personal reasons, the exodus was both a long time coming and to a certain point, inevitable. I can feel part 5 coming on like a case of norovirus. You're welcome in advance.

2. The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Parts 1, 2 & 3

"You don't care," is also emotionally coercive: "You should care. Shame on you for not caring. If you were a good person, a good Christian, a good girlfriend, a good employee, you would give a f*** about what I want you to give a f*** about."

This series was so much fun to write (not least because who doesn't like to drop the F bomb every third sentence, amiright?) Numerous people (two) told me that they also found it amusing, so mission accomplished. Apparently, there is a huge (in the 100s) blog market out there for INTP-related content, so expect to see more in the future. One of my most googled posts is "INTP = Asshole?" and I laugh every single time it comes up in the search keywords.

3. The Church & Mental Health: Interview with a Therapist

"There's an old saying one of my bosses likes, it goes: 'Feelings buried alive never die.' And what happens is they come out in other very nasty ways."

Addressing the intersection of Christianity and mental health, the interviews in this series brought healing when I least expected it. I can't emphasize enough how thankful I am—how God used conversation, and questions, and writing to bring healing and resolution to some traumatic things that happened in 2014 around the issue of mental health, and even more inexplicably, to a trauma that I have struggled to make sense of for over 10 years (I haven't published that interview yet. Bring it on 2016!) I don't know what to make of it. It's a miracle in its own right. And for me, it was one of the most grace-filled moments of 2015.

4. Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - Entitlement

"It's not anger. Because anger doesn't cause abuse. It's not pain. Because there are many, many men (and women) who experience intense, searing, heart-rending pain and yet fail to abuse anyone. It's not that they rage--it's that they feel justified in their cruelty."

Wow, talk about raw pain. The "Undateable" series might be the most popular series I've ever written—and some of the most appreciative readers have been men, which is awesome. I've used the series in part to process one of the most traumatic relationships of my life, and I think this post gets at the heart of why dating men like this can make you question your spiritual and religious beliefs. Because unfortunately, Christian men and men in the church are no less entitled (some would say they are more entitled because of historical Christian misogyny) than non-Christian men. What happens when you would no longer like a side of misogyny and sexism with your Christianity (thank you, but I don't like mushrooms). Do you give it up altogether?

5. Jessica Jones, Sex Robots for Jesus, and the Love/Respect Binary

"So I'm going to call 'Love and Respect' what it is: a false doctrine. Idolatry. A dangerous, misogynistic, and abusive ideology masquerading as the biblical, magic pill solution to all male/female relationships."

Hello misogyny, my old friend. Speaking of misogyny and the church—I've always had something of a personal vendetta against "Love and Respect" the franchise. But I had never actually read the book. HOLY BLANKETY BLANK. It was so much worse than I thought it would be, and that's saying something. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this book is evil. And if even one person questions 1/100th of its assumptions about men, women, gender roles, and marriage, I will consider that a success. I see more writing about complementarianism and "Love and Respect" in my future, God help us all.

Runners up:

Why I kept Quiet About Being Sexually Harassed
Should I Stay or Should I go?
"Give Me Sex Jesus"

Workout for FREE - The Life & Times of a Cheapskate in LA

Hey look at that body, hey look at that body, hey look at that body...I workout!

Oh--Hai there!

Do you like free stuff? Me too! That's why I'm devoting this post to FREE ways to workout in Los Angeles.

Ditch the gym and join your free-lovin' friends for some sweat & endorphins & hot people in spandex (Let's be real. This is the land of aspiring actors).

Without further ado:

Monthly coupons for a FREE class (you may have to sign up for their newsletter):
Swerve Studio
Yoga Vibe
Black Dog Yoga

First class FREE:
FITMIX Studio
Liberation Yoga (love it!)
Circuit Hollywood

Ongoing FREE yoga:
Sunday mornings @ Lululemon (locations everywhere!)
Free Yoga for Runners
Runyon Canyon Yoga
Naam Yoga (Check out beach yoga @ 10:00am)
Yoga @ the Los Angeles Public Library

Ongoing FREE fitness:
Nike Training Club Santa Monica
Nike Training Club @ The Grove [No longer exists. Sad day.]
Boot Camp in Grand Park
Yoga & Zumba in Pershing Square
Athleta @ The Grove - Classes every weekend
Athleta @ Fashion Square - Classes every weekend
Racked LA Fit Club - RSVP required. Try a new workout and get free swag too.
Toms Venice Flagship - Sign up for their newsletter and find out about free yoga, rub club & surfing.

Disclaimers and such: Gas & parking are not free. Choose a workout close to you! Also, I have not been to all of these classes, so I can't vouch for their individual level of awesome.

That said--it's free! What do you have to lose? Get out there in your awkwardly tight shorts and the T-shirt you haven't worn since college and get your cheapskate butt in shape!

Everyone Wants to Date an INTP

Top 10 reasons to date an INTP:

10. They always give you your space.

9. INTPs strive to see both sides of an issue. This doesn't mean you're halfway to winning every argument, but it's a start.

8. When an INTP likes you, they LIKE you. It's not terribly complicated.

7. INTPs are pretty low-maintenance. Any effort to please them will probably be met first by incredulity, then by gratitude. Okay, sometimes they skip the second step.

6. Their social obliviousness can be cute. At times.

5. They love to cuddle [anecdotal evidence].

Photo by DaiLuo

4. INTPs are unlikely to flirt with other people. Like I said, oblivious.

3. INTPs like talking about their feelings even less than you do. Ew. Feelings. [Hint: Ask them what they think]

2. One word: honesty. INTPs tell it like it is (or at least how they see it). They don't mince words.

1. INTPs are consistently intellectually engaging because they are consistently intellectually engaged.

Resolutions: A 2012 Retrospective

So, last year I made a few New Year's resolutions. This is a recap of what I actually did. Warning: Yes, it is depressing.

1. Read more.

Er, well, maybe I read more. You see, in 2011 I spent most of the year working at a bookstore warehouse surrounded by books, many of which I wanted to read, but couldn't (you know, what with working getting in the way and all).

I was textually frustrated.*

In 2012, I got another job, and then ANOTHER job, neither of which involved books. I did read a few books. I did not read as many as I would have liked.

New goal: get paid to read books.

Truthfully, I still read all the time. Probably for hours a day. I just read online material: blogs, Slate, articles, more blogs.

2. Write more.

I did write more (mostly for this blog). I did not, however, get published all that much. I kind of stopped trying after submitting to two places and not getting published.

One blog post that I wrote, Are You Experienced?  I originally submitted to Relevant. They didn't take it.

However, I don't regret the effort that I put into that essay. I worked a little harder than I normally do on the craft of it, and I took the time to be really honest with myself about not only what I felt but why I felt that way.

I think it paid off.

It's gotten more of a response than any other thing I've written.

Although my top post of all time is still How to hit on a girl on facebook. Thanks, Google.

3. Think less.

There's no real way to measure this. Did I go with my gut more? Worry less? Overanalyze less? Now I'm thinking about thinking!

4. Participate.

I'd like to think I participated, at least a little bit. I also blew off social commitments and plans for no other reason than that I was tired. I was that lame person who fell asleep by 11pm on New Year's Eve. I was the person who RSVP'ed on facebook and then never showed up. Sorry everyone.

5. Shoot more.
This one was actually kind of a success--I shot a lot, especially toward the beginning of the year.

I shot a short film with my sister. I shot footage for a music festival near San Diego, I shot a friend's feature-length Shakespeare adaptation. I had fun.

There are studies that say sharing goals actually makes you less likely to achieve them because just by getting positive social feedback, you already FEEL like you've achieved your goals, when actually you've only stated them out loud (or online).

I think this year will be more about discerning the difference between what I think I should want to do and what I ACTUALLY want to do.

I'm pretty sure I want to do more of the above.






*My theory about working in/at/for a bookstore or owning a bookstore is this: You should love books, but not too much. If you love books too much, you will want to keep them all for yourself, so you can read them or decoratively display them in your tastefully furnished hipster apartment. You won't want to let them go. Working around books without being able to read them is hard. Luckily, I have the willpower of small, scrappy mule with an eyepatch.

Nihilism, Ambition, and Minor Revelations

I recently spent some time at my mom's house going through all my stuff in the garage. In the process, I had a few minor revelations--let's call them "Thoughts upon going through all my crap."

Minor Revelation #1 - Taking Latin was unnecessary. As was taking trig, calculus, Bible Literature, European Civilization 1...

I've already mentioned my penchant for academic masochism. And I took a lot of classes. A lot. Like way, way more credits than I needed to take.

I don't regret any of the unnecessary classes I took though (actually, scratch that, I regret taking chemistry). There's something so hopeful about registering for a new semester. I miss that part of college. I miss learning for the sake of learning.

Now explain to me why I kept all of my trig homework...

Minor Revelation #2 - I spent a lot time researching things.

I don't even want to talk about how much time I spent researching what college to go to, leafing through those glossy brochures with pictures of attractive undergraduates spread out like lawn ornaments. I think the hypotheticals themselves were compelling. It's fun to dream about the future. However, my life has been a lot of theory, not as much action. The research has to end eventually. Right? Eventually, you have to make a choice. Choose a college. A career. A city.

It's no coincidence that one of my resolutions for 2012 was to "Think less."

Minor Revelation #2.5 - The direct correlation between my attachement to an object and my affection for the person or experience with whom/which the object is associated

Minor Revelation #3 - I wrote/write a lot. A lot.

I mean, dear God, if there was a margin to be spared on an index card, pamphlet, or receipt, I wrote in that margin, dammit. I scribbled down shreds of profundity and banality--okay, mostly banality.

I guess this isn't much of a revelation. I write. It's what I do. Now, if only I had confined my writing to logical places, like journals and notebooks. Sometimes you just need something to write on.

Minor Revelation #4 - If there was something I was even remotely interested in, I went after it 100%.

I was extremely ambitious in my teens (not that my work ethic always cooperated). Where any rational, sane person might have been like, "Hey, maybe flying to Tahiti to build an ice cream factory isn't such a good idea," I was like, "Sign me up!" I had quite a few terrible ideas. Thankfully, not all the things I pursued panned out.

Sometimes it's not the thing itself (say, video production) that's the misdirection. Sometimes, you are simply incompatible with the people or the organization. I hate to say it, but you really do have to be in the right place at the right time. Perhaps the world is not yet ready for your genius. Or more likely, you still have some growing up to do. Right place. Right time. Right person (that would be you).

There I go, giving advice again. I need to write about another career myth--the myth of experience, or how do you figure out what you want to do when you grow up? I'll tell ya what you don't do--base your entire career on a single negative or positive experience.

Again, I don't regret being overly, scarily ambitious during my high school years. I did a lot of worthwhile things, however,

Minor Revelation #5 - Everything is meaningless.

"Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done

    and what I had toiled to achieve,

everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;

    nothing was gained under the sun."

[Ecc. 2:11]

Sifting through years worth of stuff--keeping the best of it and tossing the rest--I was reminded of Ecclesiastes' famous existentialism.

I spent a lot of time thinking and/or worrying about things that I could not care less about now (I'm looking at you, Homeschooling).

Likewise, things that seem to matter now probably won't matter at all at some future date. We can all relate to the thought that "everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Pleasure. Wisdom. Accomplishments. Great hair. The perfect body.

People. I believe that people matter. And despite the meaninglessness of accomplishments, I still feel compelled to offer something to the world, however small, insignificant and temporal.

I still have to figure out how to live this life.

[GUEST POST] 10 Reasons Not To Date That [Probably Non-Christian] Coworker From That One-Day Gig

[Today's guest post is from Rachel. She lives and attends church in Los Angeles and works in entertainment. This is in response to 10 Reasons You Should Think Twice Before Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church. - MT]

1) When is faith gonna come up? Is there a good way for it to come up? Do you really want to say, I think you're absolutely great. You're hot, funny, and I could talk to you for the rest of my life, but since you're not a Christian, this isn't gonna work?

I don't know what's worse, the inner battle I've fought with myself over what I wanted and knew I couldn't have, or anticipating/trying to avoid the conversation. I know some great people who have ended up at the altar without having that conversation, and it's a difficult thing later. You're always pulling apart on the thing that matters most. Let's not forget Solomon, who was the wisest man who ever lived, but foreign wives led him to worship idols. Or Samson, who had his talent taken away by someone who he let get very close, who did not believe. 

2) If you keep dating them, they are Mr./Miss Right Now rather than Mr./Miss Right. They are taking up a space that should be vacant. You don't want to miss the opportunity to meet a great Christian because you are taking up all your time seeing someone who's not right. 

3) I can hear it now: But, I know so-and-so, and they dated (and maybe married) that guy or girl, and they eventually became a Christian! Isn't that sweet? 

Look, I know those people too. But it's like dating someone and hoping they will magically grow taller, or that they will magically be more considerate, or they will magically stop being shallow, or that they will magically quit working so much to spend more time with you (or that you can argue/convince them into any of the above things, and more). What you see is usually what you get. The only guarantee of change that you have, is that this person is going to get older, and probably less attractive, and some of the things that you like about them now will probably begin to annoy you over time (Wow I'm romantic! I can't hold back! Just full of sunshine!)

4) This is probably distracting you from what you should be doing, whatever it is that God is calling you to do with your life right now. Oh, sure, it's super-fun to feel that totally smitten feeling, but it's hard to tear away from and the crash comes hard. Instead of getting myself worked up about this guy/girl, maybe I should have been [fill in the blank] (for me personally, finishing that screenplay draft). I would probably already be done by now.  

Think about all the magical and wonderful things that God has for you to do right now--okay, sometimes they are hard and require discipline and perseverance, and do not feel as magical as said coworker, but instead of dating someone after which you will have nothing to show, you could be… duh dun-nuh! finished with your next project, and soaring into your future awesomeness, becoming the person who is right for the person you are going to meet. Or, you could be helping out foster kids and homeless people. Or learning a foreign language, or… whatever floats your boat.

There's a whole section in the Screwtape Letters about how having a person who could influence you, who isn't an on-fire Christian, or who is deceptive while dating or just plain a bad match, can eventually make you less effective or on-fire for God. It's a strategy of the enemy! Don't fall for it!

6) The pain. Do not underestimate how hard it is to let a fond attachment die, just for the sake of faith. I wrote in my journal recently, "All the things I have walked away from before were not really sacrifices that God required, but this one is the real deal. I never knew what it was to take up my cross and follow Jesus, until now." I have gone on a lot of dates (please read this as coffee/dinner/outing, not make-out session), so I now know pretty much exactly what I'm looking for. I am not talking about physical appearance or even the essential chemistry, but discerning beyond. And I almost never (approaching zero) see "it." Makes it that much harder to give up. 

7) You might find someone who is more of a match for you than the Christians you currently know (except for the faith thing). Why tempt yourself?? Why put yourself in that situation? It's definitely better to widen your circle of acquaintance and get to know more Christians. Date Christians, date many, date often (once again I mean coffee/dinner/outings, not makeout sessions)--see a great article about this at Relevant magazine. Now is the time to date around, not when you are married (Sorry, I have a sick sense of humor). 

The essence of faith is, I am going to trust God, who I can't see, rather than reaching out for what I can see, that is right in front of me. I am trusting God to provide, as I actively pursue the right thing, rather than what just what is immediately available. 

There were so many fruit trees available in the garden of Eden. I wonder how long it would have taken Adam and Eve to try all the ones that *were* available to them? They obviously had not tried all the trees that they were at that time allowed to try, because they had not eaten from the tree of life… clearly, the Tree of Life was much more awesome than the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Wait for your Tree of Life! Go try all trees available until you find your Tree of Life! Why just stand around the one tree that you can't try??? It's pretty much a recipe for disaster, the story of the whole human race. 

8) If the other person doesn't share your faith, most of the time they do not share your idea of pre-marriage physical boundaries. The standards that are common in popular culture and the standards that we Christians would like to have, but do not always have, are, let's face it, pretty different. 

I have a good friend who has hung out with more non-Christian guys than I have, who she also typically meets through work, and she actually relies on the physical boundaries conversation to end the relationship, so she doesn't have to tell them, "Hey you're great, but you're not a Christian, soooo…" Her typical experience is along the lines of, an unexpected kiss turns into a conversation about the status of the relationship that turns into the guy saying, "I was kind of looking for sex, so I guess we can't date."

When I called her for advice two weeks ago, she suggested I use this strategy. But, as she recently found out, sometimes non-Christians are okay with your pre-marriage physical boundaries, so then you have to find another reason to break up, if you don't want to have the awkward conversation. 

Also, for me, there is no such thing as an unexpected kiss, because I am so aware of physical movement (shout out to all my dancers out there!). I will deflect with my body language! I always require an official conversation about interest before a kiss (words first--writer's rule! lol). You're just not gonna get an opportunity to lean in, before you speak out! Ha!

And what about your other commitments? Do you want to go to church alone for the rest of your life? I don't. Do you want your kids to come to church? I do. One of my dear friends comes to church alone, without spouse and kids. It's really sad!

But, you say, it's not that far along! It's just dating! See how you feel when your new bestie of the other gender keeps you out late Saturday night when you're the only one who is going home and getting up Sunday. See if you really make it out of bed. See if you are still hung over, because they don't have the goal of not getting drunk, and well, that's starting to slip for you, too.

I'm not judging, though. When I lived overseas, I would party with my Irish/British/South African/Canadian friends from Sunday school on Saturday nights, and there was one particular Sunday that several of us had hangovers in Sunday school. We'd all been at the same house party, and I'd ended up crashing on a couch that night. Yes, we were all Christians. Yes, it says, "Do not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Holy Spirit." Point is, no matter who you hang with the most, they will influence you. I guess we were acting like Job's first set of kids. You see what happened to them! But I digress…

9) If this person is a coworker or in your profession, you don't want to screw up your business relationship by breaking up with them because they aren't a Christian. This could both hurt you professionally and mess up your chance to share Jesus with them.

People sometimes say you shouldn't date coworkers or business associates at all, but for me, there seem to be so few Christians in LA, if they are a Christian and we also click personality-wise, and I feel attracted to them, I'm willing to jeopardize a business relationship to give it a shot. Also, I kind of want someone with the same mission in life as me, who has a heart for the same profession and the same people group. Overall the saddest people I have ever met (including third-world countries) are people in Entertainment. Who else is gonna get that?

10) Someone else's heart is involved here. You, knowing that this will end, are playing with this person's heart if you keep dating them, knowing it's gotta end. I have done this to a non-Christian friend. It is awful. I was fine--I had been 100% sure this was gonna end the whole time, and I was even kind of lying to myself about the fact that we were dating- I kept saying to myself, we're just friends, there's no "action" here--but meanwhile the other person was growing more and more attached. The other person did not even have a friendship with Jesus to support them, so they were going it alone through de facto rejection (I moved to another town for career purposes). If I had it to do over, I (hopefully) would not do it again. 

I will say, that God has used these people in my life for my good, but that doesn't mean that the relationship itself was good. It's because of who He is that it turned out for my good. In retrospect, dating someone who didn't share my faith was the wrong decision. Ultimately, it was a waste of time.

How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by Rob

Last time I wrote about Working for Free Without Losing Your Self-respect. In this post, you are working for money, not Kit Kats. Congratulations!

However, chances are, you are not yet getting paid to do what you really want to do. You are working a day job--slightly pleasant, less than stimulating, occasionally tedious. Welcome to the next 40 years of your life.

Just kidding.

I believe that you are meant for bigger and better things. But in the meantime, here are some tips to get you through. First--a little contextualizing background: After working for free for a couple months and a month or so of funemployment (I was actually pretty bored), I got a real job working in data entry. So, here goes:

1. Feed your mind.

I may or may not have "watched" an entire four seasons of Grey's Anatomy at my previous day/survival job. Hey. Don't judge. Those were desperate times.

Ok, so don't do what I did and watch trashy TV. If you work at a job that doesn't engage your mind, find something that does. I recommend:

This American Life
Audiobooks. They could save you. Many libraries offer audiobooks for download (no late fees!).
Itunes U

2. Pay your rent.

This may seem obvious, but if you are not making enough money in your day gig to afford rent, you might want to consider getting another job. Or two. Don't go into debt if you can help it. It's not worth it, and chances are you're not going to sell your brilliant screenplay for $$$ just yet.

3. Pursue your passions [on the side].

It can be easy to lose sight of why you moved to Los Angeles in the first place. Just because you're working a day job, doesn't mean you can't pursue your passions. Make time for writing, or acting, or shooting. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the tedium of 9-5 can be a shot in the arm, creatively speaking.

4. Flexibility FTW

If you get to choose your day job, I would choose something that gives you the flexibility to pursue your passions. Sometimes, it can be a trade off between pay and flexibility, but if you can get both--my job was more of a survival job [as in, barely making enough to survive], but it did give me the flexibility to work other, filmmaking type jobs. I lucked out. Ideally, your work will support you and your goals.

5. Respect your work.

At the same time, it's important to respect the work that you do, that people are counting on you to do your job and do it well, whether that's pulling pints or packing boxes. Respect your boss, respect your co-workers, respect the work.

6. Write it down.

If you are working a particularly boring job, you will have a TON of ideas. A ton. Make sure to write them down (if it doesn't interrupt your work). Scribble stuff in a notebook on your lunch break. Brainstorm during your commute. Take advantage of the ideas that come to you when you're not even trying.

7. Surrender your expectations.

This is a tough one. But if you can, work on letting go of your expectations for success--of what you "should" have achieved by now. Yes, some of your peers will be more successful than you at this stage. So what? You are not your job. And besides, the job that's going to fulfill you completely doesn't even exist. If you're currently working a survival job, I highly recommend reading this post (part of a great series) about underemployment: I Work, Therefore I Am.

8. This is only a phase.

I repeat: this is only a phase. Yeah, I guess you could end up working at Chipotle for the rest of your life, but I highly doubt it. I bet you 12 Kit Kats you'll end up doing something else. I used to stalk about mentally wringing my hands over how I was "wasting my life" working a job that didn't challenge me. Take heart. There is more.

Tune in next time for "Your First Real Industry Job: Don't Screw It Up."

Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect

In my last post, I wrote about three unpaid, short-term jobs I worked shortly after moving to LA. And last I checked, my self-respect was still (mostly) intact, making me a clear expert on this topic. These mostly apply to trying to break into the film industry, but I suppose they could apply in other fields as well. Here are some tips:

1. Put a time limit on it.

Do: Decide in advance how long you will work without pay.
Don't: Keep working for free until your savings are gone.

"Unpaid internship" is not a euphemism for "slave labor." Or at least it shouldn't be. Don't work for free for too long. Put a time limit on it--a month, three months. One year is too long (if you're not in school). If you're working in an unpaid internship and they haven't even hinted about giving you a job after three months--it's probably time to thank them kindly for the valuable experience, ask for a good reference, and move on. It's a lot like dating: If they're still not ready to make it official, it's probably not meant to be.

2. Watch your expenses.

Do: Work odd jobs to make money.
Don't: Eat at the Cheesecake Factory every night. [Plus, cholesterol!]

This goes with out saying--if you're working for free, you're probably not making a lot of money in general, so avoid spending what you do make. I was lucky. When I first moved to LA, I immediately got a temp job working at a media conference that lasted for a week. Subsequent to that, I got another extremely short-term gig that paid pretty well because I was working a double-shift. If you're making money at another job...

3. Save your ass off while working your ass off.

Do: Your job. Well.
Don't: Kill yourself.

Give it your all. You have nothing to lose (literally). If you work hard and don't complain, people will remember you. Being happy and nice doesn't hurt either.

4. Network, network, network

Do: Tell people you are looking for more gigs.
Don't: Hand out your resume between takes.

Make friends. Friends is how you will get jobs. Friends = jobs. Remember that.

5. Take advantage of craft services. [There is such a thing as a free lunch.]

Do: Take leftovers home, if appropriate.
Don't: Steal all the peanut M&Ms. They will find you. And they will kill you.

Anyone who knows me knows that craft services is pretty much my favorite thing ever. On the films I worked on, I was often the one buying the craft services (Win!) Eating on set will help you save money. One solid meal a day can go a long way, and often the company is paying you with meals and things. So enjoy the perks, I mean, red vines.

6. Keep your receipts.

Do: Remember to ask for a receipt.
Don't: Spend your own money on production expenses.

If the company is reimbursing you for lunches or gas, make sure to keep your receipts. If you are spending petty cash, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS. Learn how to ask for a receipt in Spanish, if necessary.

7. Don't tolerate disrespect or harassment.

Do: Tell someone if you're not comfortable or don't feel safe doing something you've been asked to do.
Don't: Try to deal with HR type problems on your own.

If you are working for free and the company/production is mistreating or abusing you--call me and I will come punch them in the face. But seriously. That is unacceptable. If someone harasses you, say something. You are more important than any film.

8. Give thanks.

Do: Wash the dishes.
Don't: Overstay your welcome.

Working for free is a privilege that many cannot afford, because they have to pay for stuff like "rent" and "daycare." Thank those who have helped you [or are helping you] along the way. I was lucky enough to live with my aunt and uncle rent-free for a few months before moving in with roommates. I couldn't have done it without them.

9. Get a job. [Do I sound like your parents yet? Good.]

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must "get a real job." If your time limit is up (and before your savings run out), start looking for a job that pays. Any job. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. When it comes to survival jobs, I like to quote the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. You know what's worse than working as a barista? Living out of your car or being a freeloader eternal.

Finally, like the old college motto says, respice finem, or "Look to the end." Why are you working for free? Hopefully, you are working for free in order to eventually get a job. But in the short-term, what are you looking for: To support a cause you believe in? To make connections? To meet interesting people? To have an adventure? To get up at 5:30am every single day and drive from Torrance to West Hollywood?

These are all valid reasons. Just know why you are giving of your time and yourself. Make sure it's worth it.

Tune in next time for How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind.

Why I frighten Men

Apparently, I'm an intimidating person. Don't take my word for it, ask my friends. I'll complain about dating or talk about some guy, or--I don't know--something, and they'll say, "Well, maybe he's intimidated."

Definition of "intimidate" from Merriam-Webster: "to make timid or fearful : frighten; especially : to compel or deter by or as if by threats."

I never know to respond to this. I usually feel a measure of incredulity. Me? Intimidating? How exactly am I intimidating?

This is not an isolated phenomenon. I've talked to a couple friends recently who've gotten the same label.

Maybe this "intimidating" bit is just something your friends say to you to make you feel better about yourself, along the lines of, "Don't worry, you'll find the right guy" or "You deserve better, girlfriend!" 

I wish this was like some kind of super power that I could use on creepy guys: "You don't know this, but there are guys who find me INTIMIDATING" (their heads explode). 

But seriously.

I'm not loud. I don't have a big personality. I don't carry a large cudgel on my person at all times. I hate confrontation and conflict.

Also, how can someone be considered both quiet, shy, and intimidating? It boggles the mind. 

I do, however, have a few ideas about this: 

1. I'm smart

"A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing any thing, should conceal it as well as she can."
-Jane Austen

There's no way to talk about how smart you are (or how smart other people think you are) without coming off like a complete douchebag. So, I'll just point out that this is other people's perception of me. I've been told that I'm intimidating (to guys) because I'm smart, or more specifically smarter than they are. 

Again, I have no real response to this. I'm sorry? I'll try it tone down a little bit so you don't feel so threatened.

Apparently, I'd forgotten that this is the 1950s when men want a woman who's smart, but not so smart that she's smarter than they are.

2. I'm opinionated.

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute."

-Rebecca West

I have opinions. I voice them. So far, so good. I suppose this could be intimidating, or just annoying, depending on the circumstances. And yes, people do call me a feminist, especially when I draw attention to the fact that men and women are sometimes treated differently. I don't see this as a polemical act per se, but I'm sure there are many people who would feel differently. 

3. I'm independent.

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

-Virginia Woolf

I suspect I might care a little bit less than the average person about pleasing others and/or fitting in. This is not always a good thing.

4. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.

"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence."

-George Eliot

I'm not sure how to put this one. It's not that I don't have emotions, it's that I can be emotionally illiterate. I have an emotional learning disability? Women are traditionally the emotional leaders of the family or relationship. I don't fit that. 

It's more than that though--I'm hard on other people and I'm hard on myself. It's more than easy for me to criticize, critique, satirize, or just generally take the piss in any given situation.

5. Wild card. 

"For there is a spot the size of a shilling at the back of the head which one can never see for one's self."

-Virginia Woolf

Kate Holbrook: I'm sorry, I'm a little overly thorough. Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.

Rob: No, that's just prejudice. They call you bossy and controlling because you're a woman. But if you were a man doing the same stuff...you'd just be a dick. 

-from Baby Momma

I don't really know how I come off to other people. I can only guess based on the feedback I receive. I'm flawed. I have blind spots. Maybe I'll never know what "intimidating" really means. Maybe I'm just an a-hole.

But somehow I suspect that the things that make me intimidating are also some of my best qualities. And if being considered threatening is the byproduct--let it be.

Places to submit stuff to

1. McSweeney's

2. Relevant Magazine

3. Hyphen Magazine

4. Prodigal Magazine

5. Modern Love (NY Times)

6. Brevity

7. Guernica 

8. Cracked

SH*T Christian Guys (Who Go to Hipster Churches) Don't Say

Will you go out with me?

I hate plaid.

I would grow a beard, but, I really want to be attractive to women.

No, I don't play the guitar.

My favorite movie? Braveheart.

Skinny jeans are gay.

Go Lakers!

I just want to date a good Christian girl.

This cardigan has too many holes in it. Good Will!

I've been working on the same screenplay for two years, but you know what? I'm tired of eating ramen. I'm going into sales.

Drinking alcohol is wrong.

Fedoras are passé.

Three of my best friends are black.

I'm ready to settle down and get a real job.

...

Take Your Introvert to Work Day

Actual conversation at a new job:

Supervisor: "Hi M____. I'm just going to say hello. We don't need to have an awkward morning conversation.
Me: "Are you sure? I have a minute."
Supervisor: "No, I think we're good."

I could be wrong, but I think he was referencing our "checking in" conversations wherein he would say encouraging, nice things about this being a new job and all and I would look at him quizzically.

In case you hadn't noticed, I am an introvert (an INTP if you want to get technical).

Dammit. Secret's out. No one will ever hire me to do anything even remotely extroverted, like greet shoppers at Wal-Mart or sell used cars.

My life is over.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how many job descriptions contain the words, "must be outgoing"? I like to call this the extrovert-bias. I give you the opening of an actual job ad on Craigslist:

"Are you a quiet person? DO you consider yourself an introvert? Do you often keep your thoughts, ideas and opinions to yourself? If you answered YES to any of these questions, now is the time to stop reading this job description. No really, stop reading and please take a minute to forward this along that overly passionate, ambitious & outgoing friend of yours."

Because introverts are never passionate, ambitious or expressive. No. Of course not. If I have ideas or thoughts, I like nothing more than to keep them to myself. Always. Yep. No opinions here. 

Incidentally, Carl King wrote a great blog titled "10 Myths About Introverts." Go read it. 

This is my version of that article, with a special emphasis on the introvert at work. Perhaps you are either an introvert who works or you know a few introverts that do. Consider yourself educated on this important issue. 

To start with definitions: You are an extrovert if you get energy from socializing and being around other people. You are an introvert if you get energy, in other words you recharge, by being by yourself.

Just because I'm introvert doesn't mean...

That I hate people.

In fact, I'm usually a fan. You're a person? Awesome! Me too. I like people, especially singly. I need to be around people just as much as I need time alone. Sometimes, I don't like being around large groups of people. This is not because I don't like people. It's because large quantities of them can be overwhelming and all I can hear in my brain is "RETREAT, RETREAT."

This applies to interpersonal relationships too. That introverted girl at work? She doesn't hate you either. Unless you're a jerk. In which case, she probably does hate you.

That I don't like to talk.

Ha. Hahahaha. I can see anyone who's ever really gotten to know me rolling their eyes at this very second. I pity the person stuck with me in a car for 4-18 hours. I will start talking about the meaning of life. Try and stop me.

Admittedly, I'm more likely to talk if the other person is really listening (or has no choice, see road trip example above). Often, I'm trying to develop a thought or idea and I want the other person to stay with me on that contemplative highway until we either A) come to a preliminary conclusion, B) take a snack break.

A friend once told me that I'm a good conversationalist. I think what she meant is that I have an agenda (something I want to talk about) and I attempt to steer the conversation in that direction.

I tried this at a speed dating event once. After a few rounds of telling people "what I do" and hearing about their exciting jobs in retail, I decided that we were going to talk about what I wanted to talk about. I asked each guy I was paired with the same question, listened, responded, and enjoyed myself immensely while also gathering new data for one of the research projects currently going on in my mind.

That I'm shy.

This comes and goes for me. I know that not all introverts are shy. The problem with being quiet or reserved is that people tend to project characteristics onto your personality that don't necessarily apply. Such as,

That I'm insecure.

This can be true sometimes too. But sometimes, I'm insanely confident in my abilities. Maybe a little too confident.

That I'm judging you.

I get this one a lot. Let me just state for the record that I enjoy "that's what she said" moments almost as much as the next person. I'm not judging you. I'm just not chiming in. I never quite know what to say to stuff like, "Wow, you must think we're all really weird." Yes, I do?

That I'm socially awkward.

I've been thinking about this one a lot. I've certainly had my awkward moments (see above), but I'm not sure if this makes me socially awkward.

I have this theory that socially awkward moments are all about timing. I see you and say, "Hi." Two seconds go by. You say "Hi" back. Something feels off. I start wondering whether or not you like me. Is there spinach in my teeth? Those two seconds opened up a tiny, awkward gap in the social infrastructure, exposing the fear and insecurity that lies beneath.

Okay, that was a little bit too deep.

Phone conversations are almost always awkward for me, mostly because I can't seem to get the pauses and timing right. Apparently, I pause too long before saying something, probably because I'm thinking about what I'm about to say. The gaps in speech make it awkward.

I find that after I've been deeply absorbed in something introspective or solitary, my social timing is all screwed up. I need to stretch, socially speaking, before I'm ready to engage.

That I'm smart. 

I'm kidding, of course. It does mean that. Except replace "smart" with "a smart ass."

That I'm a pushover.

Introverts are not necessarily meek and easily manipulated, as I'm sure many extroverts have discovered to their chagrin. And I'm not just talking about passive-aggressive behavior or a stubborn refusal to go clubbing. Introverts can kick some serious butt, especially if you threaten their family, friends or pet projects (or pets, now that I think of it).

So there you have it. Introverts are people too.

Five Things I Learned From Watching Seasons 1-4 of Grey's Anatomy

This is not an attempt to justify the hours I have spent watching this show, nor to deny the trashy, soap-operatic nature of its content. Ahem.

Suffice it to say, I very recently made my way through the first four seasons of Grey's Anatomy. Here's what I learned:

1. "Use your words."

The characters of Grey's say this to each other a lot--which is funny because they're all extremely articulate. Huh. Frankly, this imperative is a good reminder for me. I'm good with words. I'm not good at expressing my feelings. In words. Out loud. To other people.

2. When in doubt, write a monologue in which a character has an emotional epiphany and conveniently highlights the theme of the episode.

Some might call this "cheating" or "laziness on the part of the writer."

I call it genius. Sure, in real life the person you're ranting to rarely stands eyes wide and mouth agape as you aphoristically sum up the event's of the day. Small detail. These monologues are the thematic glue holding each episode together. Dramatic subtlety be damned.

3. The law of promiscuity and diminishing dramatic returns.

Have you ever noticed how the longer a TV show goes on, the more hookups occur between the primary cast (e.g. "That 70's Show," "Friends")?

I would hazard that the weaker the dramatic premise and/or episode specific storyline of a show, the more likely two previously unconnected characters are to suddenly begin a sexual relationship.

Writers do this to heighten the dramatic value of an episode. However, the more promiscuous a character/cast is, the less their sexual relationships mean emotionally and dramatically. Kind of like in real life.

So, what is invoked to increase dramatic value actually decreases it.

4. Sex and the unbearable whiteness of being

Grey's Anatomy boasts an impressively diverse cast--and by diverse I mean ethnically. Average/ugly people were not invited to this party.

Intriguingly, the shade of a character's skin seems to be co-related to number of sexual partners. How do I say this--only the white characters seem to be allowed to sleep around, while the minority characters are frustratingly monogamous.

5. Everyone has issues.

There's something about Meredith Grey. There's something about Meredith Grey and her emotional blankness that feels authentic.

That's what I've learned. And I'm only on season 4.

Stalking v. Courtship: 10 Signs You Should Back the #&%* Off

I appreciate a persistent man. Heck, I love the thrill of (being) chased. But stalking is not courtship.* Harassment is not courtship, despite Christopher Hitchens' eliding of the two in his article about Herman Cain.

In the spirit of charity and good will, here's a handy list of 10 signs that you may be stalking or harassing your intended significant other and not, in fact, winning them over with your persistent 1am texts.

Your attention may be unwanted if...

1. You show up unannounced on his doorstep with a two-liter of Mountain Dew and a DVD.

2. After meeting her for the first time, you write her a lengthy email declaring that she is the love of your life--and you don't just mean in a sexual way.

3. You gift him a handmade ceramic sign with his name on it it "for his bedroom door."

4. You tell her, "Your boobs look amazing."

5. You take pictures of him surreptitiously during a party, then send a casual email with the pictures attached.

6. You grab her butt, then pretend nothing happened. 

7. You get slapped with a restraining order. 

8. You try to kiss her. She pulls away. You try again. 

9. He changes his phone number. Five times. 

10. She tells you to back the #&%* off.

*In a perfect world, here are some other things that would not be considered courtship: 

1. Liking someone's status on fb.

2. Texting "hey."

3. Saying, "You wanna come over and watch a movie?"

Things I wish I liked more than I do

The beach. Card games. Beer. Running. Hiking. Physical exertion of any kind. Large groups of people. Vegetables. Eating healthy. High heels. Small talk. Skiing/snowboarding. Dressing up. Going out. Studying. Museums. Art museums. Walking. Airports. Sightseeing. Texting. Dogs. Taking showers. The Beatles. Talking on the phone. That's what she said. Pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook.