Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Knowing when to quit a job, relationship or kickball team

Ever have a job you hated from the first minute of the first day? What about a boyfriend who made you feel small and alone after two weeks of dating? Rarely do jobs or relationships start out as toxic or abusive. If they did, we would leave right away.

So how do you know when to quit? What might happen if you stay?

Dr. Henry Cloud makes the distinction between "pain with a purpose" and "pain for no good reason."

Pain means something is wrong. My friend and fellow blogger goes into detail about that here, and I also wrote a post about pain here.

Bottom line: Pain Bad. Also, there are different kinds of pain, and it can be useful to define which kind of pain you are currently experiencing. Is it getting better? Is getting worse? Are you feeling numb to the pain? How does the person/atmosphere/task make you feel on a regular basis?

There are some kinds of pain that are inescapable--akin to being stuck on the 405 at 5pm on a Thursday. If you can avoid it, by all means do so. If you can't--that's life.

But there are other kinds of pain that are simply not worth it.

I read somewhere that there is a name for pointless suffering: torture.

Sometimes we buy into the idea that it's supposed to be hard--marriage isn't easy. Learning to play the violin or make the perfect pie crust might require long, tedious hours of practice. But there are some kinds of pain that are not in the service of a greater good. There are some kinds of pain that only break you down over time.

So, is this suffering (assuming it's not inescapable) making you a better or a worse version of yourself? Are you suffering for no good reason?

It's also good to process how you are coping with the pain. Are you using healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?

For example, disassociation from your environment, from people, from a hostile relationship can be an extremely useful coping strategy--however, rarely is cutting yourself off from your emotions a good long-term strategy.

Even if you are not working in an abusive or toxic environment, emotions like frustration, boredom, and dissatisfaction are worth paying attention to. Maybe they don't mean you should immediately quit your job--but they do mean something. Like maybe now is good time to move on, if you're able.

As for work situations and relationships that are abusive, the first step is recognizing the cycle of abuse. Here's an example from a work situation:



"Cycle of Abuse" by Avanduyn -  Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png#/media/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png

1 - Tensions building: As the deadline closes in for a project at work, I start to feel a sense of dread. Although I am doing all I can, I still fear that my boss will be displeased with the final product, no matter what I do or don't do. I have seen him explode in the past, usually the night before the project is due. He has also made threats about what might happen if there is a repeat of past "failures." I feel like something terrible yet undefinable is about to happen.

2 - Incident: The night before the project is due, as predicted, my boss explodes at me in a company meeting in front of our entire team for "Not presenting it in the right way." I feel helpless and unable to defend myself. I feel worthless and doubt my ability to ever get it right. The entire room is thick with tension, anxiety and fear. Everyone else looks completely cowed and no one stands up for me. My boss justifies his belittlement as necessary because other tactics (praising me, telling me I'm doing a good job) have not worked.

3 - Reconciliation: My boss is absent for much of the rest of the week. When I see him again, he appears to be in a better mood, and no mention is made of the meeting.

4 - Calm: My boss tells me he is just trying to help me develop in my career. He seems to want to work more collaboratively and tells me that I have a lot of potential.

A note here about anger and distinguishing between normal, reactive anger and anger that is abusive:

I think there is a difference. As far as I can tell, abusive anger (unlike normal anger) tends to fill the room. It has layers of hurt, shame and blame that go far beyond the context or situation at hand--imagine that you and this person are in a relationship and you cheated on them and ran over their dog on purpose--that's what it feels like. The goal of abusive anger is to hurt, control and punish the other person.

If you are in an abusive situation, I would recommend getting out now. Instead of thinking about what could be--he could be the man of your dreams, this could be the job that catapults you to success, it could get better, there could be an opportunity here to do something you love--think about what is.

Think about what might happen if instead of getting better, things actually get worse--whether it's your partner's anger or an abusive cycle at work. Abuse tends to escalate gradually over time, so that boundaries that you never thought would be crossed are suddenly fair game. When you are in a toxic or abusive dynamic, it can be impossible to see the situation objectively--even more so if the relationship or job constantly puts you in fight or flight.

Here are some not-so-great reasons for staying in a bad situation:

1. You keep thinking about the good 'ol days when you first started the job/relationship.
2. There's a small chance conditions will improve.
3. He/she can change. You believe in them!
4. You're afraid that no one else will ever love you or hire you again.
5.You want to prove "them" wrong.
6. You are seeking justice for wrongs done to you.
7. You are waiting for permission to leave.
8. You think that the pain is making you "better."

I once overstayed a bad job situation by roughly three months--three of the worst months of my life, not to put too fine a point on it.

I kept thinking that when I finally left, things would start getting better. What I didn't expect was that, instead of getting better, things just stopped getting worse.

I feel like this is an important distinction. Are things getting worse? Is the abuse escalating? Are you continuing to put yourself in a situation that you know is harming you emotionally, physically, mentally? Get out. Stop waiting for them to get better. Stop waiting for him to change. Stop waiting for people to listen to your side of the story. Get out get out get out.

You are more important than any job or relationship.

If you do choose to leave an abusive relationship of any kind, take steps to protect yourself from retaliation by making sure that person has no access to you (preferably), zero leverage over you, or if that's not possible, that you have a support system and a safe place to go.

I'm rooting for you.