Shame, Entitlement, and the Reluctant A-hole

At my work we recently discussed the "Asshole Rule": If you meet more than three assholes in one day, you're the asshole [somehow this translated into, "If you own three or more cats, you are a cat lady/man, but I digress.]

Yes, we have all met a few assholes in our lives. We've probably even been the asshole on a few choice occasions. But what, exactly, makes an asshole an asshole?

Alex Balk quotes Aaron James as follows in his article The A-hole in the Mirror:

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

[from Assholes: A Theory]

That's as good a definition as I've ever heard.

That guy laying on the horn because you're not turning left fast enough for his taste? Yeah, definitely an asshole. A typical LA asshole, to be exact. He feels entitled to get through that light as fast as humanly possible, and no dinky 1988 Honda is going to stand in his way.

It's not just Angelenos, though. Millennials, especially, are known for their sense of entitlement--we were raised on self-esteem and certificates praising our mere participation.

And my first thought is: I can't possibly be an asshole. I'm way too introspective. 'Cause, you know, self-absorbed people can't be assholes. Even so, I prefer "rough around the edges" or alternatively, "slightly oblivious to other people's feelings."

I could tell many stories of how I've slighted other people's feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some of them leave me cringing in shame. Others elicit confusion more than anything else--I said that? I did that? You felt that way, because of me? Yeah, that's me. The asshole.

I don't know about you, but it's disheartening to realize that the same things that made me an asshole 10 years ago are the same things that make me an asshole today. 

What's a regretful asshole to do? I would say guilt and efforts at self-reformation, but I've been down that path before and I can't say it worked.

But what about this question of entitlement?

The thing about entitlement is that it's often unconscious. We're not even aware of it, and the same goes for privilege. I am both entitled and privileged in many different ways. To frame it in another manner, I'm spoiled. Flat out.

If I'm really honest, I feel a sense of entitlement about things that don't make a whole lot of sense. Things like, getting a job/promotion/raise because I deserve it, never having car trouble, ever, everyone liking me all the time, always (or at least not hating my guts), dating and eventually marrying a really cute guy, never having to deal with someone else's jealousy, envy, or insecurity--I could go on. In a sense, it all boils down to deserving and/or earning the good things that I get--instead of acknowledging that everything good comes from God, including my gifts, personality, strengths, weaknesses.

But what happens when I don't get what I should--by rights--get? What happens when I accomplish something significant and don't get the praise or the promotion that is my due? Or when my car breaks down? Or I don't get the guy?

Anger. That's what happens. I can't seem to let go of my pride and my self-reliance. I want so much to deserve the good things. Or, I try harder. Maybe if I...then I'll get...

And If I'm honest, I feel angry and hurt that some of my strongest personality traits tend to make me the asshole, to leave me wondering what I've done wrong or whom I've inadvertently offended once again. As if all my good intentions (or a lack of intention) are completely meaningless, when it comes down to it.

I'm not talking about your typical, everyday, run-of-the-mill assholery. I can be plenty selfish and insensitive. I'm talking about the things that I do because, as best as I can tell, that's just the way I'm wired: independent, driven, focused, self-sufficient, ambitious.

And I can't help wondering, did God create me this way for a reason, or am I just muddling along here, doing the best that I can.

To read more about a-holes:
Review of Assholes: A Theory
Interview with Geoffrey Nunger, author of Ascent of the A-word
Review of The No Asshole Rule by Robert Sutton
GQ article about how nerds can be a-holes too (linking assholery to insecurity)