I went back to the beginning recently, and read about the misogynist, the coward, the racist, and the guy who won't take "No" for an answer.
And I found it striking. Partially because a few things have happened:
1. I stopped going to church.
2. I'm not sure I want to date Christian guys anymore.
3. I encountered more than one man who is a husband, father and believer in Jesus Christ, and also spouts Red Pill Reddit language and rhetoric.
This last one, if I'm honest, leaves me feeling heartbroken and confused--I feel betrayed, somehow.
And that sort of leads me to today's topic, entitlement.
"Entitlement" feels like a hot button word that gets thrown around a lot, particularly in articles about Millenials and the job market. But what does "entitlement" mean in the context that I am writing about?
I turned to Google to find out what exactly people feel entitled to. The results were predictable and a bit dull--the short version is that people feel entitled to government benefits, such as:
Entitlement to medicare
Entitlement to social security
Entitlement to paternity leave
Entitlement to bank holidays
And the puzzling:
Entitlement to kill a mockingbird
My two favorite things to be entitled to:
Entitlement to wear kilt
Entitlement to tea breaks
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| Photo by George Redgrave |
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| Sam Heughan in "Outlander" on Starz |
[Why has no one made a calendar of attractive, possibly shirtless men in kilts drinking tea? I would buy the hell out of that calendar.]
So here's my unofficial definition of entitlement:
Entitlement is an unwritten, unquestioned and often unconscious law held to be inviolable and true, so that when the law is broken, the entitled person is justifiably angry, hurt, and vengeance-seeking.
[And its converse: Entitlement is an unwritten, unquestioned and often unconscious law held to be inviolable and true, so that when the law is upheld or enforced, the "victim" of the entitled person cannot justifiably be angry, hurt, or vengeance-seeking.]
I feel like entitlement, taking the posture and role of the victim, and not taking "No" for an answer are all tangled up together.
You learn the unspoken rules of a relationship, sometimes when it is in the process of ending, often after it has already ended. In one of my relationships, the unspoken rule was: You are not allowed to leave.
Entitlement is the unspoken law that leads to violence.
You see, I don't think anger, or the pain at the heart of anger, causes violence. There's another step there, another component--
The man doesn't kick the dog because the boss yelled at him. The man kicks the dog because he believes he has the right.
Let me give a simple, everyday example:
The law: A woman must always graciously and without rancor accept a compliment from a man. [Especially if he is a stranger]
It's funny, really. It's violence wrapped up in "You're beautiful." And what's even funnier is that the violation of this law is already presumed, the compliment followed immediately with, "I can give you a compliment" or "That's a compliment you know," before the woman even has time to react--the hatred trailing so closely on the heels of love.
And it's not just strangers.
I've thought a lot about the disparate rage that men have directed at me--from the first emotionally abusive relationship I had in my early 20s, to more recent experiences. I think about a story that a friend once told me.
He was a friend of the family. And he had a crush on her, despite an age difference of some 20 years (she was in college, he was in his 40s or 50s). He was giving her a ride, but she had brought a friend along--probably for safety.
And for whatever reason, he was angry with her. Angry because she brought a friend. Angry because this wasn't going according to plan. Angry because she didn't reciprocate his feelings. Angry.
And he threw acorns at her.
In the scene I imagine, there is nothing playful about it. He is looking down, not making eye contact. Scuffing his shoes against the dirt. Casually picking up an acorn. Half-heartedly throwing it. The petulant anger of a 10 year-old in the body of a middle-aged man.
There's another guy that I know. And he's one of the good ones. But I was recently struck anew by the memory of something he once said about my writing. I was struck by how passive-aggressive it was, this single comment. Rage, buried deep.
I laughed it off, initially. "He's just intimidated," I thought.
It's always just some guy. Throwing acorns.
I have no desire to date an acorn-thrower. But if even the good guys are like that--I don't know. It breaks something open inside of me.
I wonder if entitlement is at the heart of misogyny--these unspoken laws:
"You don't respect me": You must respect me
"You don't give a s*** about my intentions": You must give me the benefit of the doubt at all times, and forever.
It's not anger. Because anger doesn't cause abuse. It's not pain. Because there are many, many men (and women) who experience intense, searing, heart-rending pain and yet fail to abuse anyone.
It's not that they rage--it's that they feel justified in their cruelty.
I'm trying to avoid dating abusive guys.
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