Growing the F--- Up: What I've learned in my late 20s

Adults can still build blanket forts. Right?

When I was 14 and on a rafting trip in Nepal with my family, I did a survey of our fellow travelers that included the question, "Do you feel like an adult?"

All of the 20 and 30 somethings that I surveyed put, "No." [This was an actual survey. I wrote down the questions and asked each person to write down their answers.]

On that theme, I've been contemplating writing this blog post for a while now. And really, I have only one thesis or overarching idea here: 

Your late 20s is when the things that you've avoided dealing with start dealing with you:

This could be anything--a fear of public speaking, a problem with authority, that parking ticket from four years ago that you forgot to pay (oops), your $2 store shopping addiction, your overwhelming hatred for your job, the crap you haven't forgiven your parents for, your beef with God, your lack of a life outside of work, your dread of parallel parking, your out-of-control credit card debt, compounding interest on your student loans, the deteriorating state of your dental health, your aversion to brussels sprouts, your lousy choice in romantic partners, your friends all moving away, and I could go on.

In other words, if there is some area of your life that you have neglected to grow up in, that area of your life is going to make itself felt in a major, probably uncomfortable and possibly painful way (it will bite you in the butt).

If you don't start owning it, it will start owning you. If you don't take care of it, it will take you out. If you don't kick it in the ass, you'll end up on your ass. It's all the same advice, actually.

Why is this? I think in the first half of your 20s, it can be easy to coast on things like good health, natural talents and abilities, friendships you made in college, a solid education, an overweening confidence in your own potential, blatant naiveté, and youthful optimism (obviously, these are not true for everyone).

But unless life is a consistent downhill slope, it's impossible to simply coast forever. Eventually, you will reach a hill. I hate hills.

Like Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do." If what we repeatedly do is eat cheetos for breakfast and complain about a dead end job at the crayon factory, it doesn't matter how talented or healthy or privileged we are. The results won't be pretty.

In your late 20s, things can start to fall apart (or feel like they're falling apart). Things like your body. Or your relationships. Or your career goals and aspirations.

So let's talk about the roles of pain, fear, and grief in this process.

The Role of Pain

Pain is a sign that something is wrong. Where in your life are you feeling pain? Is it in your body? About your body? In your relationship with your parents? In your identity as a man or woman? In your frustrations about your job?

I think it's helpful here (borrowing from Dr. Henry Cloud) to distinguish between the pain of growth and pain that is just simply bad--the kind that screams at you: "GET OUT NOW." Pain can also helpfully point to underdeveloped or neglected parts of our lives.

For example, if you're feeling the pain of loneliness, this could point to a need to develop new friendships or nurture the ones you already have. Now is your chance to pay attention to what the pain in your life is telling you--whether it's, "Hey, maybe you should lay off the spicy Thai food" or "I would like to make new friends" or "It's time to leave this job. It's not going to get better."

For me, years of blithely confident good health gave way to panic when I started experiencing pain, discomfort, and, worst of all, tingling in my upper back and neck. I could barely stand to sit for the 8 hours a day required at my desk job. But although the symptoms (such as pain) were only then showing up, my guess is the underlying issue probably started a long, long time ago.

But it wasn't until pain showed up that I started paying attention.

[Note: Take care of your body. It is the only one you have.]

The Role of Fear

This is about more than just Instagram-fueled FOMO (fear of missing out). There's the fear of missing out on the important things we're meant to do in our lives, whatever they may be.

The fear of never writing that novel or screenplay. Of never making that film. Of never taking that risk to start our own business or apply for that dream job.

Recently, "adventure" has been a theme in my life, and I realized that adventure always involves risk of some kind. And where there is risk, there can be fear. However, the best kind of fear is not the crippling fear of making a mistake that keeps you from ever venturing out on that ledge. It's the kind of fear that pushes you to venture out in the first place.

Am I more afraid of screwing up or am I more afraid of never getting to do what it is I want to do? One kind of fear confines you to a tiny box in which you can almost guarantee you will never make a mistake. The other kind sends you out into the unknown where, yeah, I guess something terrible could happen, but also something wonderful.

Being confined to a tiny box of perfectionism is terrible.

The Role of Grief

When I started going to therapy a few years ago, I was unprepared for the intense waves of pain and grief that tore through me. I had so much unresolved pain over my parents' divorce (that happened when I was 13) and from feeling abandoned, unloved, and unwanted by both parents.

This is the kind of stuff that will make an appearance sooner or later if you leave it unattended. Unattended baggage is a dangerous thing. Given the right conditions, unresolved feelings won't just be a whisper in your subconscious ("You're not good enough," "You're a failure" ), rather they will start screaming for attention at the top of their lungs, forcing you to either pay attention or drown them out with busyness, distraction, addiction, etc.

Dealing with unresolved grief is pretty much the opposite of fun. But the consequences of not dealing with it can be even worse.

Now that we've discussed the roles of pain, fear, and grief, I've written some questions (I like questions) about different areas in life that you may or may not have grown up in. This is not meant to shame anyone or provide some arbitrary benchmark, but instead to say, "Hey, maybe you can work on this now before it gets too gnarly."

Mentally
Do you have your own personal definition of what it means to be mentally healthy? What does unhealthy look like?
Are you challenging yourself to grow intellectually?
Do you read books / watch movies / listen to podcasts that engage you intellectually or are you numbed out most of the time on junk?

Physically
How do you take care of your body and your health?
Do you eat your vegetables?
How much sleep are you getting?
Are you comfortable with your sexuality?
Do you recognize the physical boundaries between you and others and are you able to recognize when your boundaries have been violated or when you are violating the boundaries of others?

Emotionally
How do you deal with difficult emotions like fear, anger, jealousy, envy, shame?
How do you deal with pain, disappointment, and loss?
Do you know how to grieve?
Is there room in your life for joy and gratitude?

Spiritually
Are you angry with God? Are you angry with God and avoiding the issue?
If you go to church, why? If you don't, why?
How do you connect with God?
How do you connect with others in a spiritual community?
What does unconditional love feel like?

Relationally
Do you cultivate and nurture your friendships?
How do you deal with loneliness?
Do you feel comfortable asking for help?
How's your support system?
Are you an adult or a child in your relationship with your father? Mother? Siblings? Significant other?

Financially
Do you pay your own bills?
Are you spending less than you make?
How's debt treating you?
Are you saving for retirement? (ugh)
Do you give to people, causes, organizations, stories that you care about?

Vocationally
If you hate your job, are you doing something about it?
If you're not making enough money, are you doing something about it? (like asking for a raise)
What are you good at?
Are you pursuing your dreams or someone else's?
How do you deal with failure, mistakes, setbacks?
If you have a day job, are you honoring it by showing up on time, working when you're at work, etc.?
Do you have career goals? Do you have a realistic timeline for those goals?
What do you want to be when you grow up?

Like a Kick in the Ass

Welcome! Do you need need some slightly violent motivation? You've come to the right place! Tis the season for a kick in the butt.

Is there a novel you've always wanted to write? An exercise regimen you've been meaning to start? A guy or girl you've had your eye on for a few weeks (years) now?

There are only three rules here: 

No shame
No blame
No excuses

In my opinion, a kick in the ass has nothing to do with exposing your character flaws or blaming you for not meeting your goals. Besides, shame is a terrible motivator! No, this is about giving you the right push in the right direction so you can take action. You can do it!

As for "no excuses," there will be no, "The economy is terrible right now" or "You're right, there really are no Ryan Gosling lookalikes out there who can change a tire, read Dostoyevsky and make a mean peanut butter chocolate cheesecake (at the same time)." 

In sum, the time for sympathy has passed. The time for ass-kicking has arrived. 

You hate your job:

No! Stop updating your LinkedIn profile!! Go out there and actually APPLY for a JOB. It doesn't have to be your dream job. It just has to be a job. Better yet, contact someone you know and ask them if they've heard of any openings (More effective than applying to some random job on craigslist and an excuse to reach out to an old friend. It's a win/win).

You're getting paid less than you deserve:

Ask for a raise. Write out, point by point, why you deserve a raise--not why you need a raise (to pay for that Sock Panda subscription), but why you are such a stellar employee and how you've contributed to the health and well-being of your company.

You want to start eating healthier: 

Put down that donut! Kidding. I love donuts. I've got nothing for you. Sorry. You're on your own with this one. 

You like someone but haven't asked them out: 

Ask them out. What do you have to lose other than your dignity, your self-respect, and every last shred of fear that's holding you back? That's right. Show that fear who's boss. 

You're in an abusive relationship...with facebook: 

You deserve better. Anything or anyone that demands that much of your time but gives so little back deserves to be cut out of your life. Or at least limited. 

You haven't signed up for health insurance yet: 

DAMMIT! SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

You call yourself a filmmaker but haven't actually made a film at any point in the recent past: 

*crickets*

None of these apply to you? 

Here's a trick. Think of someone you know who really needs a kick in the ass. Write out what you would say to them if you were really being honest. Now read it back and apply it to yourself. [It's called projection. I know this because I'm in therapy.]

Or, think of yourself 1, 2, 5 years ago. Think about what you needed to hear at the time. Write it down. Apply it to your current situation. 

Or, even better, write a letter to yourself from the future (no shame, no blame, no excuses). Send it. 

You're welcome. 

How to be Self-Employed in LA Without Losing Your Pants

As Kermit the Freelancer once said, "It ain't easy covering 100% of your own payroll tax."

How do you know if you're self-employed? 

You filled out a W-9 instead of a W-2. 

You receive a 1099 at the end of the year. 

You have heard rumors of such things as "sick days" and "paid holidays," but if they were to happen to you personally, you might question the validity of the pythagorean theorem.   

In short, it's easy to lose your pants in this town--especially when you're self-employed.

Make sure your a** is covered with these helpful tips.

Get Health Insurance

I don't want to hear your excuses. "I'm healthier than the offshore banking account of a Goldman Sachs executive in 2006" or "I have more vim and vigor than a Virginia eel during mating season." 

I've heard them all. They all suck. 

You heard me.

Think you can't afford an extra $100 per month? How about $50,000 for an ear infection? (I made that number up. But still.)

No Seriously, Get Health Insurance

It's the law, bro. Open enrollment started October 1st. Get on it.

Open an HSA (health savings account)

As a self-employed individual you have the option to get HSA qualified health insurance (high deductible health insurance that meets certain government requirements). I know you're starting to doze off right now because this information is so fascinating, but get this--

Money you put into your HSA is tax deductible--and you can use that pre-tax money to pay for qualified medical expenses. Now you can finally get those wisdom teeth extractions you've been eyeing. It's a win-win, my friend.

Open an IRA 

A retirement account is a lot like a trusty pair of corduroys--it's extra embarrassing to be 72 and caught sans pants or nest egg. 

Maybe you don't have a lot of money to invest. That's okay. Start small, but start somewhere. 

If you open a traditional IRA, the money you put in (up to $5,500 per year) is tax deductible. You are going to need those deductions. Trust me.

Register Your "Business" with the City of Los Angeles

For the love of all that is green, fuzzy and pants-free, do this NOW. You may not have a cubicle, personal assistant or water cooler around which to discuss the Breaking Bad finale, but to the city of LA, you are still a business.  

The details are a bit hazy, but if you do not do register your business with the city, they will track you down and hit you with a nasty sounding tax bill (happened to a friend of a friend).

All you have to do is register, then report your income each year.

It's easy and free to fill out the form and apply online. Go:

https://latax.lacity.org/oofweb/eappreg/eappreg_criteria.cfm

Find an Industry Accountant

No, it won't cost less than TurboTax and the bottle of vino you use to take the edge off of doing your taxes. Yes, it will save you money in the long run. Pay for a good accountant. A good accountant is worth the $100-$250 you might spend. 

How do you find this good accountant? Get a referral. Ask your industry friends--even if you're not in the industry. I know you have that friend who's been around the Runyon Canyon block a few hundred times. They will know a good accountant, as well as the best way to get rid of a body (oil drum, hydrochloric acid, rinse, repeat).

I hope I have sufficiently bludgeoned you with useful information. Stay smart, stay safe and hold onto your pants.

*All information in this blog is not meant to take the place of consultation with an actual professional, such as an accountant, lawyer, etc. etc. Use at your own risk.

Hey Ladies -- Ask For More Than What You Want [Especially When It Comes to Money]

Hey ladies [that sounds condescending but there are no sufficient alternative word choices], ask for more than what you want. Especially when it comes to money.

I know money is this weird, awkward thing that makes you uncomfortable (or is that just me?), but learning to ask for a fair rate will help you avoid other weird, awkward conversations in the future, like the one where you're sobbing on the phone to your mom that your coworker (who does the exact same job you do) is making escargot to your beans on toast.

Scenario #1 - Sophomore year of college, I'm applying to a summer program in LA called Act One. I apply for a summer grant through my college to pay for the program. Max awarded to each student is $5,000. I do the math and ask for $3,850. Why? Because I'm stupid, that's why. Guess how much they gave me.

Scenario #2 - I'm offered a job as a production coordinator on a music video. The producer offers me a weekly rate of $400 over the phone. My response: "Cool, that sounds great." Well, actually, that was his starting offer. But instead of negotiating, I accepted the first number I heard. Guess how much I got paid.

Moral of the story: ask for more money. In fact, go ahead and ask for more than what you tell yourself you would be happy with.

In fact, you can use the handy 30% rule that I just made up. Take a second and think about what you want. Then ask for 30% more than the number that just popped into your head. 

Let's put this into practice.

Say you want a raise. You currently make $10 per hour. You feel you would be happy making $13 per hour. Ask for $17.

Say you are raising money on Kickstarter to make a short film. You estimate the budget as $5,000. Ask for $6,500.

Say you apply for a temporary gig as a dog walker and are offered a flat weekly rate of $300. Ask for $390, then let them bargain you down.

Now there's a good point--you can always accept less than what you initially ask for. However, it's difficult to roll back time and ask for more.

Reasons we don't ask for more than what we want:

1 - Avoiding disappointment

Manage your expectations. Don't let your expectations manage you. Yes, they might say no. But what are you going to do if that happens? Implode? Doubtful.

2 - Scarce resources

There's not enough to go around as it is, and you don't want to steal food off of Bob's table. But don't worry about Bob. Bob's table is Bob's table. Your table is your table and which would you rather have, slow-cooked pot roast or meat from a can?

3 - I don't deserve more

I know there's been much talk lately about millennials and something called "entitlement," but in my limited experience, women tend to sell themselves short, both in terms of ambition (give me this much money) and their own abilities (you should hire me because...).

4 - Fear of being "not nice"

Money-grubbing, demanding, difficult to work with--insert your own unsavory adjective here. There's nothing wrong with asking nicely. In fact, I recommend it. But ask. Do it.

You could even take this a step further and apply it to your personal relationships.

A guy asks you to hang out with him and his buddies, but you really want to go on a date.

"Hey [random dude's name]. I appreciate that you asked me to hang out, but I really want to hang out with someone 30% hotter than you."

Or

"Hey, I think you're great and I really want you to ask me out on a date."

Or 

"Would you like to go out sometime?"

Now go -- share this blog post on your facebook wall. 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect

In my last post, I wrote about three unpaid, short-term jobs I worked shortly after moving to LA. And last I checked, my self-respect was still (mostly) intact, making me a clear expert on this topic. These mostly apply to trying to break into the film industry, but I suppose they could apply in other fields as well. Here are some tips:

1. Put a time limit on it.

Do: Decide in advance how long you will work without pay.
Don't: Keep working for free until your savings are gone.

"Unpaid internship" is not a euphemism for "slave labor." Or at least it shouldn't be. Don't work for free for too long. Put a time limit on it--a month, three months. One year is too long (if you're not in school). If you're working in an unpaid internship and they haven't even hinted about giving you a job after three months--it's probably time to thank them kindly for the valuable experience, ask for a good reference, and move on. It's a lot like dating: If they're still not ready to make it official, it's probably not meant to be.

2. Watch your expenses.

Do: Work odd jobs to make money.
Don't: Eat at the Cheesecake Factory every night. [Plus, cholesterol!]

This goes with out saying--if you're working for free, you're probably not making a lot of money in general, so avoid spending what you do make. I was lucky. When I first moved to LA, I immediately got a temp job working at a media conference that lasted for a week. Subsequent to that, I got another extremely short-term gig that paid pretty well because I was working a double-shift. If you're making money at another job...

3. Save your ass off while working your ass off.

Do: Your job. Well.
Don't: Kill yourself.

Give it your all. You have nothing to lose (literally). If you work hard and don't complain, people will remember you. Being happy and nice doesn't hurt either.

4. Network, network, network

Do: Tell people you are looking for more gigs.
Don't: Hand out your resume between takes.

Make friends. Friends is how you will get jobs. Friends = jobs. Remember that.

5. Take advantage of craft services. [There is such a thing as a free lunch.]

Do: Take leftovers home, if appropriate.
Don't: Steal all the peanut M&Ms. They will find you. And they will kill you.

Anyone who knows me knows that craft services is pretty much my favorite thing ever. On the films I worked on, I was often the one buying the craft services (Win!) Eating on set will help you save money. One solid meal a day can go a long way, and often the company is paying you with meals and things. So enjoy the perks, I mean, red vines.

6. Keep your receipts.

Do: Remember to ask for a receipt.
Don't: Spend your own money on production expenses.

If the company is reimbursing you for lunches or gas, make sure to keep your receipts. If you are spending petty cash, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS. Learn how to ask for a receipt in Spanish, if necessary.

7. Don't tolerate disrespect or harassment.

Do: Tell someone if you're not comfortable or don't feel safe doing something you've been asked to do.
Don't: Try to deal with HR type problems on your own.

If you are working for free and the company/production is mistreating or abusing you--call me and I will come punch them in the face. But seriously. That is unacceptable. If someone harasses you, say something. You are more important than any film.

8. Give thanks.

Do: Wash the dishes.
Don't: Overstay your welcome.

Working for free is a privilege that many cannot afford, because they have to pay for stuff like "rent" and "daycare." Thank those who have helped you [or are helping you] along the way. I was lucky enough to live with my aunt and uncle rent-free for a few months before moving in with roommates. I couldn't have done it without them.

9. Get a job. [Do I sound like your parents yet? Good.]

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must "get a real job." If your time limit is up (and before your savings run out), start looking for a job that pays. Any job. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. When it comes to survival jobs, I like to quote the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. You know what's worse than working as a barista? Living out of your car or being a freeloader eternal.

Finally, like the old college motto says, respice finem, or "Look to the end." Why are you working for free? Hopefully, you are working for free in order to eventually get a job. But in the short-term, what are you looking for: To support a cause you believe in? To make connections? To meet interesting people? To have an adventure? To get up at 5:30am every single day and drive from Torrance to West Hollywood?

These are all valid reasons. Just know why you are giving of your time and yourself. Make sure it's worth it.

Tune in next time for How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind.