Have you ever been accused of not caring about something that someone else thinks you should care about? Like their feelings. (j/k)
No?
Maybe it's just me.
There's been a recent spate of articles and memes about the giving of f***s, such as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** and 12 Historical Women Who Gave No F***s--
Spoiler alert: how many f***s did Sojourner Truth give? Zero. She gave zero f***s--
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| My Hero. |
These have inspired me. Mostly, they've made me laugh. Maybe because otherwise, I would be crying.
Because yes, I too have been told I give zero f***s. Here are some things that have been said to me:
"You don't give a s*** about anything that doesn't have to do with you."
I can't help interpreting this is as, "You don't give a **** about ingratiating yourself with me." Which would be true.
"You only do exactly what you want to do."
.
..And your point is?
"You obviously don't care about the material."
Really? Is that why I'm taking on thousands of dollars in debt for a degree in English literature?
"You don't care about my opinion."
I did something other than what you suggested. Last I checked, it was an opinion, not a mandate.
"You decided pretty early on that you didn't want to do this thing, so you learned how to do this other thing instead."
I'm choosing to see this as a compliment.
"You don't give a s*** about my intentions."
You're right. "I didn't mean it" ceases to be a good excuse when you repeatedly hurt someone. If I have to choose between me and your good intentions, I choose me.
Believe it or not, this blog post is not meant to be a defensive "F--- you" to anyone who has ever criticized me.
What I mean to accomplish, and whether I accomplish this or not remains to be seen, is a thoughtful exploration of how INTPs can fail to meet the expectations of others to, essentially, give a f*** or have the appearance of giving a f***.
Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but I have trouble giving a f*** about anything I do not give a f*** about, or worse, pretending to. I'm not a people-pleaser. I occasionally offend other people. I'm direct. Sometimes, I'm too direct.
One of the top posts on my blog is INTP = A--hole? Seriously. People wonder this all the time. I wonder about this all the time.
I think it's partially one of the consequences of having a non-gender-conforming personality--as an INTP and a woman (or if you prefer, as me), I run into the disconnect between how a woman should be or act and how I choose to be or act.
I have a certain amount of anxiety about not being a "nice" person, whatever that means.
I have this idea that arguing something passionately is not nice. Failing to put the feelings of other people first in a collaborative setting is not nice. Being myself is not nice.
It's not all angst over here, though. Sometimes I find myself laughing because, well, giving zero f***s is fun. And I like myself for it. I tell myself, "You're an a--hole!" and then I chuckle (I'm also a weirdo, apparently).
So let's talk about the downside of giving zero f***s, specifically about the accusation, "You don't care."
"You don't care," is at core emotionally manipulative--it is not an actual statement, but rather a plea for recognition or a stab at reaction.
"You don't care," is also emotionally coercive: "You should care. Shame on you for not caring. If you were a good person, a good Christian, a good girlfriend, a good employee, you would give a f*** about what I want you to give a f*** about."
And so this phrase can launch you into a flurry of wounded justification and protestation: "I do care. I DO CARE about literary theory, dammit! What do I have to do to prove it to you?" It puts the onus on you to prove that you give a f***.
When you react the way they want you to react, all the power is squarely in their court.
There's a button labelled PUSH ME TO GET A REACTION. And that other person pushes it.
"You don't care," is a diversion. Suddenly, all the focus is on you as you desperately try to defend yourself, to "prove" that you are a good, caring person, not the terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend they must think you are.
My dad used to regularly accuse me of being "selfish" and "ungrateful" when I didn't do what he wanted to me to do--and it would always send me into emotional tumult--
Because the shame was already there. All he had to do was pick at it.
Now I can see that this was not only a form of manipulation and coercion (to get me to do what he wanted) but also a diversionary tactic. If you yell and wave your arms about enough, you'll eventually get the cathartic emotional response you want--from the other person--she will cry or protest or engage with your harsh accusations. And you will feel better. Even better, you will be safe from accusation yourself.
In the cruel way that these things tend to work themselves out, I've grown up to be an extremely reserved and non-reactive person.
And that brings me to another thing that people have said to me:
"You don't react."
And it is precisely this lack of surface reaction that I feel has intrigued and infuriated the people around me and made me a target for control and abuse.
The non-reaction I built up in response to my father's anger triggers other men (they always seem to be men) who desperately, and for their own reasons, want to get a reaction from me.
So, there's the downside of giving zero f***s. At least for me.
That being said, as I mentioned earlier, I do genuinely like some of these things about myself.
I like not caring what other people think. I enjoy not conforming to gender stereotypes. I like saying exactly what I want to say. I like the freedom to be myself and pursue my own interests. I like how singleminded and focused I can be when I truly care about something.
I even appreciate some of my emotional restraint, because I feel like it gives me the upper hand in certain situations, and also because it makes space for other people and their emotions.
In conclusion, giving zero f***s is awesome. Emotional manipulation, on the other hand--that really sucks.
Coming up next in Part 2: How to get an INTP you know to give more f***s.
See also, Part 3: How to give more f***s as an INTP.
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