One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.
Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.
Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.
Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.
Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:
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| Somehow, I don't think this is how it goes down. |
If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.
So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.
You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.
Directly confront them if they offended you
Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.
This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.
But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.
Don't make it personal.
This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:
- Don't yell or use emotional language, "You always," "You never," etc..
- Use "I" statements and focus on the effects of her actions/attitude/words on you.
Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.
The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.
Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.
It's much easier said than done.
Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.
Maybe.
Never back them into a corner.
I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.
Examples of backing someone into a corner:
"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."
Deliberately ask them to shift their focus
Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:
"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"
"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"
If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.
As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.
The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
You can't change how someone feels
Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.
This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.
It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.
I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.
Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.
In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.
Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
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