The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3

In this part of the series, we talk about how to give more f***s:

Maybe you're an INTP and you wish to give more of a f***. Think of it not as changing your basic nature, but as an opportunity for self-growth. If you are in conflict with someone about how much you care, here are some suggestions:

Instead of getting defensive, get curious

I've definitely been guilty of flying into a defensive frenzy every time someone accuses me of not giving a f***.

"But, BUT..."

It's so easy to go there. But so much more productive to get quiet and get curious--not about who's to blame, or what's wrong with the other person, or what's wrong with me--but about what's really going on.

And in the quiet, to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, no more, no less.

To resist any shame
To notice patterns
To find the humility in myself that will help me reconcile with the other person.

Apologize

Take responsibility if you have offended someone. This doesn't mean feeling bad about yourself. It does mean giving a f*** about other people's feelings.

You don't have to admit to being a horrible, defective person. You just have to admit that in this particular instance, what you said or did hurt someone else's feelings, and you take responsibility for that.

Don't fake it

As an INTP, even though I know, rationally, that faking it a little bit would probably make my life a lot easier, I still can't bring myself to do it or tell other people to do it.

If you don't give a f***, you don't give f***. Find something that you do give a f*** about and focus on that. You couldn't care less about emptying the dishwasher. But you care about your boyfriend's happiness.

It's okay to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept responsibility for--there are some things that are simply outside of your control such as:

Whether or not the other person chooses to accept your apology or hold a grudge forever.
How insecure the other person feels about their position of authority or the relationship.
How quickly the other person is able to let go of their anger.
The wounded pride or ego of another person.

You might come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can reasonably do (as a reasonable person) to get the other person on your side.

Don't fake it. Hold on to your boundaries and your integrity and don't accept the burden of shame from another person (or even yourself, for that matter). You don't have to fall on your own sword multiple times to get the other person to forgive you. If you find yourself doing this, it might be a sign that the other person is just not willing to let it go.

And that's not something you can control.

The INTP & Conflict: Getting along without going along

So you've apologized without defensiveness or shame. Next up, to improve the relationship:

Give detailed, specific, positive feedback at every opportunity

This may go against your nature, somewhat, as in, "Of course he knows I think he's doing good work. We don't need to say it out loud" or "Of course she knows I love her. Romance is stupid."

But not everyone has this same attitude. You might need to verbalize the "obvious" for people to feel liked or appreciated, rather than tolerated or taken for granted.

Just be honest. You don't have to fake it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If it feels at all icky or manipulative (as when you do this with a boss or a person in a position of power), just remind yourself that you are simply stating what you actually feel or think. Role-play with a friend if you have to.

If you worry about your tone of voice (I tend to sound innately skeptical in almost every interaction), write it instead.

You can do it!

Cultivate Gratitude about the little things

It's easy for me to be negative and critical, rather than cultivating gratitude for the little things in life. Honestly, I don't think my personality is going to change anytime soon (intensity FTW), but I do recognize and appreciate the people around me who always seem to look on the sunny side of life.

I mean, sometimes they irritate the crap out of me.

But more often than not, they defuse some of my own negativity.

Hang out with these people, if at all possible. They might not help you give more of a f***, but they can help soften a few of your rough edges.

It is possible to get along without going along--to hold on to your best qualities as an INTP (independence of thought and action, for example) without being a complete asshole.

For help dealing with the INTP in your life, go here.