How to Manage an INTP

The title of this post is ironic, of course—you can't actually "manage" an INTP. If you do, he/she will simply give you a strange look conveying either, "The f***?" or "Come again, I couldn't hear you over the deafening roar of my teeming brain"

I jest. But only a little bit. 

When I contemplate dealing with authority as an INTP, it makes me want to laugh, cry and give up. When my bosses contemplate having to deal with me, It's probably much a similar response, though I'm sure some of them would go straight to strangling me to death with the nearest USB cable, zero tolerance policies be damned.

But it doesn't have to be this way! Things can be different! I believe! I hope! With all the irrationality of that first hit of caffeine at 9:37AM on a Monday, I hope and believe that we can do better than both homicidal rage and crushing indifference. 

I hope.

My theory is that with just a little bit of strategy, you can get way more value out of the INTP than whatever salary/rate you happen to be paying them, simply by capitalizing on the INTP's innate strengths and pre-existing inclinations. 

So let's just get this out of the way at the very beginning: The INTP does not respect you. 

Sorry to break it to you, but just because you are the boss, just because you are in charge, just because you hired her, just because you are signing his paycheck—means nothing. 

To her, the hierarchical structure of boss/subordinate is primarily a formality. An irritating one, a necessary one, perhaps, but mostly, just a formality. 

However, the innate disregard for authority demonstrated by the INTP must be carefully distinguished from an active, purposeful rebellion against anything perceived as a power structure.

The INTP is usually not out to actively subvert power qua power—too much work, and she has more important things to do than overthrow Capitalism. In other words, it is unlikely that she will leap to her feet at the next client meeting, yell, "F*** you and your commodity fetishism!", break something, and then storm out.

Also important to note: respect is not the same thing as following/taking direction. The INTP is perfectly capable of doing this. 

Which leads us to the first principle of managing the INTP: 

#1. Do not expect or demand performative deference.

It is possible to demand respect for no other reason than "I'm the boss." But all you can truly demand of a subordinate is the outward expression of respect. Not the reality. You simply don't have that kind of power. And do you really want to force someone else to respect you? 

Don't answer that.

The INTP does not respect you because she respects something else more—the work. 

The best way to earn the respect of an INTP? Be good at your job. Have integrity. Respect others. You know, all the normal things.

If you are hung up on a lack of "Respect," then you won't be able to appreciate the value that an INTP can offer. Which leads to the next principle:

#2. Catch them at the beginning. 

At the beginning of a job or work assignment, INTPs tend to be at their most motivated (this is probably true for most people).

In all likelihood, the INTP will bring the full force of her creativity and drive to the beginning of a new job. Take advantage of this.

Do you have a system in place that is broken, inefficient, or outdated? Set the INTP loose on its ass. It won't even know what hit it.

If there's anything that absolutely drives an INTP up the wall, it's an inefficient system for getting things done.

#3. Give them a challenging assignment and then (mostly) leave them alone.

Even better if no one else has been able to solve the problem or accomplish the task.

It is not necessary to check in with the INTP to see how things are going. In all likelihood, they will be checking in with you to vent about how frustrated they are. This is normal. Let them vent. Listen patiently, tell them you believe in them, and let them get back to work.

#4. Allow them to pursue their own passion and interests (within reason).

The INTP on a mission is like a heat-seeking missile—passion and single-minded focus are the name of the game. You can take advantage of this by letting them pursue the things that also help you accomplish your goals. There's probably some overlap here, so let the INTP zero in on what interests them (as long as it's also in line with your vision), then try to get out of the way.

#5. Work with their limitations.

You know that single-mindedness I mentioned in the last point? This can be both a good and a bad thing—but you can't capitalize on the one without factoring in the other.

Some examples of single-mindedness as a liability:

Being blunt and direct in speech—intensity of focus can tend to exclude things like wanting to be liked or being likable.

Neglecting housekeeping tasks that though important, are not a normal part of the INTP's routine (and hence are easily forgotten in the blinding light of the ONE THING).

Overestimating the importance of whatever it is they are working on rather than taking into account the whole project or the rest of the team.

Difficulty switching quickly from one priority to another, particularly if the first priority has already received their time and investment.

These are all things to take into consideration.

#6. Don't take their frustration personally.

Frustration is passion + obstacle. So, frustration means that the INTP cares. This is important, especially if the INTP cares about the things that you care about. Rather than seeing frustration as a bad thing, it's more helpful to see it as a necessary part of the process. Frustration is the precursor to breakthrough.

#7. Redirect their complaint into a mission to make things better.

Instead of taking their frustration personally, turn it back on them and ask them, how can we make this better or solve this problem? What would you like to see happen? How can we change the system so that this doesn't happen again?

#8. Don't let them get bored.

Challenge them, or they will leave.

#9. Give them free snacks. 

'Nuff said.

#10. Use time to your advantage.

If you sense that this is a short-term arrangement (maybe there's a limited amount of growth potential), use time to your advantage by capitalizing on the INTP's strengths from the beginning and asking them to create systems that will carry on after they leave—this could be as simple as a job description or task list for the next person or as complex as re-imagining an entire design process.

Get it in writing. Get them to write a training manual, create a wiki, or make a template. Get something you can use.

I try to approach a new job in such a way that I eventually "work myself out of of a job," usually by training someone else to replace me or setting into existence systems that make processes more efficient. If that isn't in the cards, I try to leave things better than I found them, so that the next person will easily be able to pick up where I left off or at least have some kind of starting point.

I'm not claiming this is out of some innate sense of altruism—it's rooted in pride as much as anything else—I want to be able to look back and say, "This is what I accomplished. This is how things were better because of me. Behold the works of my hands."

If you can capitalize on this instinct, you can get a ton of value out of the INTP. Just don't abuse it.

Hopefully, with these tips, managing the INTP can be a win/win situation for everyone. 

What About Grace?

These three words have stuck with me.

I had just set clear-cut boundaries in a relationship. Someone I had been close to hurt me--intentionally or not, I have no idea. I set boundaries in order to protect myself, not punish him. And he responded with anger:

"What about grace?"

I remember how much he seemed to hate me, even as he uttered these words.

What I was doing was the opposite of grace: Not-Grace--condemnation, judgment, bitterness, unforgiveness (a sin for Christians).

By setting boundaries in a relationship, I was refusing to extend "grace." How often is grace invoked when a public Christian figure has an affair, sexually abuses children, uses shame and ostracism to control church members. How often is grace invoked by Christians in an--as far as I can tell--ungracious tone of voice.

Here, let me lecture you about what grace is, right before I bash you over the head with it, you sinner.

Grace as artillery. Forgiveness as a weapon.

What is grace, anyway?

I picture something beautiful. Something quiet, yet unrelenting.

In that moment, I didn't feel grace. I felt anger, hatred, and blame--if he hated me, if he abused me, it was my fault for not being graceful, or full of grace.

In this lopsided arrangement, grace is always for the perpetrator, never for the victim. It shames you for not being more forgiving. It reminds you that you too are an imperfect person in need of grace. It urges you to forgive, well before you are ready. It puts the burden on you to restore the perpetrator to wholeness.

So, what about grace?

Reflecting from a distance, Grace was setting boundaries. Grace was asking for help when those boundaries were violated. Grace was having the courage and the freedom to leave. Grace was feeling safe again. Grace was and is refusing to blame myself for the actions of another person.

Grace is not intimidation or threats. Grace is not a tool of manipulation or coercion. Grace is not an angry, 6'4'' man cursing at you, getting in your face, and demanding that you forgive him.

I crave the grace of small, tiny moments when I am allowed to grieve. When it is okay to be not okay. Where my reactions are not judged or rejected.

Grace. What about it.

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3

In this part of the series, we talk about how to give more f***s:

Maybe you're an INTP and you wish to give more of a f***. Think of it not as changing your basic nature, but as an opportunity for self-growth. If you are in conflict with someone about how much you care, here are some suggestions:

Instead of getting defensive, get curious

I've definitely been guilty of flying into a defensive frenzy every time someone accuses me of not giving a f***.

"But, BUT..."

It's so easy to go there. But so much more productive to get quiet and get curious--not about who's to blame, or what's wrong with the other person, or what's wrong with me--but about what's really going on.

And in the quiet, to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, no more, no less.

To resist any shame
To notice patterns
To find the humility in myself that will help me reconcile with the other person.

Apologize

Take responsibility if you have offended someone. This doesn't mean feeling bad about yourself. It does mean giving a f*** about other people's feelings.

You don't have to admit to being a horrible, defective person. You just have to admit that in this particular instance, what you said or did hurt someone else's feelings, and you take responsibility for that.

Don't fake it

As an INTP, even though I know, rationally, that faking it a little bit would probably make my life a lot easier, I still can't bring myself to do it or tell other people to do it.

If you don't give a f***, you don't give f***. Find something that you do give a f*** about and focus on that. You couldn't care less about emptying the dishwasher. But you care about your boyfriend's happiness.

It's okay to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept responsibility for--there are some things that are simply outside of your control such as:

Whether or not the other person chooses to accept your apology or hold a grudge forever.
How insecure the other person feels about their position of authority or the relationship.
How quickly the other person is able to let go of their anger.
The wounded pride or ego of another person.

You might come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can reasonably do (as a reasonable person) to get the other person on your side.

Don't fake it. Hold on to your boundaries and your integrity and don't accept the burden of shame from another person (or even yourself, for that matter). You don't have to fall on your own sword multiple times to get the other person to forgive you. If you find yourself doing this, it might be a sign that the other person is just not willing to let it go.

And that's not something you can control.

The INTP & Conflict: Getting along without going along

So you've apologized without defensiveness or shame. Next up, to improve the relationship:

Give detailed, specific, positive feedback at every opportunity

This may go against your nature, somewhat, as in, "Of course he knows I think he's doing good work. We don't need to say it out loud" or "Of course she knows I love her. Romance is stupid."

But not everyone has this same attitude. You might need to verbalize the "obvious" for people to feel liked or appreciated, rather than tolerated or taken for granted.

Just be honest. You don't have to fake it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If it feels at all icky or manipulative (as when you do this with a boss or a person in a position of power), just remind yourself that you are simply stating what you actually feel or think. Role-play with a friend if you have to.

If you worry about your tone of voice (I tend to sound innately skeptical in almost every interaction), write it instead.

You can do it!

Cultivate Gratitude about the little things

It's easy for me to be negative and critical, rather than cultivating gratitude for the little things in life. Honestly, I don't think my personality is going to change anytime soon (intensity FTW), but I do recognize and appreciate the people around me who always seem to look on the sunny side of life.

I mean, sometimes they irritate the crap out of me.

But more often than not, they defuse some of my own negativity.

Hang out with these people, if at all possible. They might not help you give more of a f***, but they can help soften a few of your rough edges.

It is possible to get along without going along--to hold on to your best qualities as an INTP (independence of thought and action, for example) without being a complete asshole.

For help dealing with the INTP in your life, go here.

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2

In my first post, I didn't really address how to get an INTP to give more f***s. That will be addressed from two perspectives:

One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.

Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.

Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.

Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.

Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:

Somehow, I don't think this is how it goes down.

Don't take it personally.

If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.

So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.

You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.

Directly confront them if they offended you

Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.

This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.

But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.

Don't make it personal.

This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:

• Don't yell or use emotional language, "You always," "You never," etc..
• Use "I" statements and focus on the effects of her actions/attitude/words on you.

Don't put her in a position where her only option is to admit that she is a terrible, horrible, rotten, no-good person. You were right, and she was wrong. You're a saint, she's a sinner. You're Batman, she's Ra's al Ghul.

Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.

The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.

Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.

It's much easier said than done.

Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.

Maybe.

Never back them into a corner.

I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.

Examples of backing someone into a corner:

"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."

Deliberately ask them to shift their focus

Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:

"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"

"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"

If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.

As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.

The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.

You can't change how someone feels

Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.

This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.

It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.

I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.

Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.

In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.

Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1

Okay--any other INTPs out there:

Have you ever been accused of not caring about something that someone else thinks you should care about? Like their feelings. (j/k)

No?

Maybe it's just me.

There's been a recent spate of articles and memes about the giving of f***s, such as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** and 12 Historical Women Who Gave No F***s--

Spoiler alert: how many f***s did Sojourner Truth give? Zero. She gave zero f***s--

My Hero.

These have inspired me. Mostly, they've made me laugh. Maybe because otherwise, I would be crying.

Because yes, I too have been told I give zero f***s. Here are some things that have been said to me:

"You don't give a s*** about anything that doesn't have to do with you."

I can't help interpreting this is as, "You don't give a **** about ingratiating yourself with me." Which would be true.

"You only do exactly what you want to do."
.
..And your point is?

"You obviously don't care about the material."

Really? Is that why I'm taking on thousands of dollars in debt for a degree in English literature?

"You don't care about my opinion."

I did something other than what you suggested. Last I checked, it was an opinion, not a mandate.

"You decided pretty early on that you didn't want to do this thing, so you learned how to do this other thing instead."

I'm choosing to see this as a compliment.

"You don't give a s*** about my intentions."

You're right. "I didn't mean it" ceases to be a good excuse when you repeatedly hurt someone. If I have to choose between me and your good intentions, I choose me. 

Believe it or not, this blog post is not meant to be a defensive "F--- you" to anyone who has ever criticized me.

What I mean to accomplish, and whether I accomplish this or not remains to be seen, is a thoughtful exploration of how INTPs can fail to meet the expectations of others to, essentially, give a f*** or have the appearance of giving a f***.

Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but I have trouble giving a f*** about anything I do not give a f*** about, or worse, pretending to. I'm not a people-pleaser. I occasionally offend other people. I'm direct. Sometimes, I'm too direct.

One of the top posts on my blog is INTP = A--hole? Seriously. People wonder this all the time. I wonder about this all the time.

I think it's partially one of the consequences of having a non-gender-conforming personality--as an INTP and a woman (or if you prefer, as me), I run into the disconnect between how a woman should be or act and how I choose to be or act.

I have a certain amount of anxiety about not being a "nice" person, whatever that means.

I have this idea that arguing something passionately is not nice. Failing to put the feelings of other people first in a collaborative setting is not nice. Being myself is not nice.

It's not all angst over here, though. Sometimes I find myself laughing because, well, giving zero f***s is fun. And I like myself for it. I tell myself, "You're an a--hole!" and then I chuckle (I'm also a weirdo, apparently).

So let's talk about the downside of giving zero f***s, specifically about the accusation, "You don't care."

"You don't care," is at core emotionally manipulative--it is not an actual statement, but rather a plea for recognition or a stab at reaction.

"You don't care," is also emotionally coercive: "You should care. Shame on you for not caring. If you were a good person, a good Christian, a good girlfriend, a good employee, you would give a f*** about what I want you to give a f*** about."

And so this phrase can launch you into a flurry of wounded justification and protestation: "I do care. I DO CARE about literary theory, dammit! What do I have to do to prove it to you?" It puts the onus on you to prove that you give a f***.

When you react the way they want you to react, all the power is squarely in their court.

There's a button labelled PUSH ME TO GET A REACTION. And that other person pushes it.

"You don't care," is a diversion. Suddenly, all the focus is on you as you desperately try to defend yourself, to "prove" that you are a good, caring person, not the terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend they must think you are.

My dad used to regularly accuse me of being "selfish" and "ungrateful" when I didn't do what he wanted to me to do--and it would always send me into emotional tumult--

Because the shame was already there. All he had to do was pick at it.

Now I can see that this was not only a form of manipulation and coercion (to get me to do what he wanted) but also a diversionary tactic. If you yell and wave your arms about enough, you'll eventually get the cathartic emotional response you want--from the other person--she will cry or protest or engage with your harsh accusations. And you will feel better. Even better, you will be safe from accusation yourself.

In the cruel way that these things tend to work themselves out, I've grown up to be an extremely reserved and non-reactive person.

And that brings me to another thing that people have said to me:

"You don't react."

And it is precisely this lack of surface reaction that I feel has intrigued and infuriated the people around me and made me a target for control and abuse.

The non-reaction I built up in response to my father's anger triggers other men (they always seem to be men) who desperately, and for their own reasons, want to get a reaction from me.

So, there's the downside of giving zero f***s. At least for me.

That being said, as I mentioned earlier, I do genuinely like some of these things about myself.

I like not caring what other people think. I enjoy not conforming to gender stereotypes. I like saying exactly what I want to say. I like the freedom to be myself and pursue my own interests. I like how singleminded and focused I can be when I truly care about something.

I even appreciate some of my emotional restraint, because I feel like it gives me the upper hand in certain situations, and also because it makes space for other people and their emotions.

In conclusion, giving zero f***s is awesome. Emotional manipulation, on the other hand--that really sucks.

Coming up next in Part 2: How to get an INTP you know to give more f***s.

See also, Part 3: How to give more f***s as an INTP.

Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Coward

Aristotle on bravery in "Nicomachean Ethics," from a translation by Terence Irwin

Welcome to my series on dented cans AKA single Christian guys who are undateable (to me!). 

After tackling the fluffy, soft as a guinea pig's butt cheeks topic of misogyny, we are now moving onto a much less potentially inflammatory topic: cowardice. 

[I swear, I am literally drawing these topics out of a jar. Swear to Blog.]

Now, you may see "coward" and "cowardice" and think, "I know where she's going with this!" And I bet you two pounds of canned beets that you're wrong (I hate beets. Hate 'em). 

You see, I too am familiar with the diatribes, written and otherwise, urging Christian dudes to just step up to the complementarian gender roles plate and ask a girl out already. I mean c'mon! How hard can it be? Think of all those lovely, eligible, extremely single Christian girls who are not too busy writing wistful letters to their future husbands to say "Yes" to dinner and a PG movie with you (and who if you play your cards right, might even agree to marry you after the third date!).  

This is not that blog. If you want to read (or hear) about how Christian men should stop being such [women?] already and just ask a girl out, you can go here, here, or here. And good dating to you, sir or madam.

The truth is, I'm as ambivalent about this topic as a single Christian woman could possibly be. I feel like the "Be a man and ask her out" and "Be a woman and wait for him to make the first move" setup smells awfully like the traditional gender roles that have traditionally kept women in a one-down position of power in adult relationships (such as those between a boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife). 

Just speaking personally, if my church wants to reinforce these gender roles--you know, the ones where men get the final say on all decisions, men lead and women follow, men love and women submit, etc.--then I also want a "real man" who will carry me 20 miles in 5 feet of snow so that I don't get my dainty feet wet, who will bring home the bison while I sit at home sipping tea and refining my embroidery skills, and who has the physique of Chris Hemsworth and goes shirtless at all times. Just saying. 

So, no. This is not a blog about how Christian guys are cowards for not asking girls out. I really can't speak for any one guy's motivation for not asking any one girl out. The closest I can get is that he doesn't want to. The whys beyond that are beyond me and my personal scope of knowledge. However, if someone wanted to write a blog about this, I would support him or her at least 101%. 

And now to get back to my subject: Cowardice. Merriam Webster unhelpfully defines cowardice as "the absence of courage." I have a different definition, which I will expound here, at length (you lucky readers, you).

I define cowardice as deliberately hurting, humiliating, abusing, harming, putting down, or bullying someone from a position of power, privilege, or advantage (usually because you can and because it makes you feel good, (read, more powerful)). 

A story: 

I was working in a small business packing and shipping books for a living. I had long thought that the office manager had a crush on me (it wasn't reciprocal). 

So one day we were particularly busy, everyone was present, and I was packing and shipping the heck out of some books. The OM became irate and started yelling at me for overpacking the boxes. 

He took out some of the books that I had already packed and threw them (well, maybe he placed them) on my desk. 

He yelled at me in front of everyone: in front of my boss (his boss too) and in front of my coworkers. 

I was so angry. I confronted him the next day and told him I was not okay with what he did. He admitted to "being a huge jerk" and said he had actually been angry at another coworker who was not me.

This incident has always stuck with me for some reason. I think it's because when I thought back to the power dynamics of the situation, there was no one else in the room who would have been safe to yell at. He couldn't yell at our boss. He couldn't yell at my married female coworker or either of my male coworkers. 

I was it. 

The only way I can explain it is that liking me gave him some kind of carte blanche to vent his anger on me--

Or perhaps I was just the least powerful person in that room. 

I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident. That I've never before or since had a male boss/coworker/supervisor with romantic interest in me treat me with disrespect and anger because I rejected him. That I've never again had a man humiliate me, abuse me, condescend to me, or shame me under the guise of "just doing his job." 

I wish I could say I have never felt trapped in a job in which a man repeatedly violated my boundaries and made me feel profoundly unsafe. 

You see--here's what I don't get about abuse in our current culture: 

All the shame accrues to the victim: "Why didn't she leave him when he hit her?", "Why didn't you walk away?", "What were you thinking dating him in the first place?"

Why are we neglecting to call out the abusers and the bullies for the cowards that they are? I see nothing as more cowardly than punching out a woman who is half your size or using your position of power as a white, male, conservative blogger to further shame rape victims into silence (I'm looking at you, Matt Walsh). 

I fail to understand why Ray Rice dares to show his face in public while Janay Rice fields questions about why she stayed.

Somehow the definition of "being a man" still includes dominating women and treating them as objects to be controlled. Slap her around and you're a "man," not a coward.

After the incident above, I left that job soon after. I was afraid. I didn't want to become OM's emotional punching bag merely because he had a romantic interest in me. I felt like the most likely target, and I had no way to predict that there would be no future incidents--what if he had a really bad day? What if the mice ate all the books or I packed books into boxes in a way that just didn't suit him or the sound of me hitting the "s" key repeatedly started jangling his nerves? These things are impossible to predict. 

This is what I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. That abusers abuse because they can, because they want to, and because it makes them feel good.

He yelled at me because he could.

[Little to no risk to himself: If he yelled at the boss, he would risk getting fired. If he yelled at a male coworker, he might risk getting punched.]

He yelled at me because he wanted to.

[Anger feels bad.]

He yelled at me because it made him feel better.

[Letting anger out feels good.]

In the nearer past, a man viciously attacked and shamed me at work. I'm still traumatized by what happened. 

But here's the thing: 

He used what power he had to punish me, to put me down, to degrade me and "put me in my place" and it made him feel good. If not that, I'm sure it made him feel better--more empowered, more in control.

I also knew, based on past experience (I'd been to this rodeo before), that this was part of a pattern of abuse: His actions signaled to me that this could and probably would happen again: anytime he felt disempowered, received a nasty letter from the IRS, or felt angry about something else going on in his life--

It wouldn't matter. How I did my job wouldn't matter. What I said or did wouldn't matter. If he wanted to take out his anger out on me, he would find a reason.

Imagine that being your everyday, working reality: stretches of rainbows! and sunshine! punctuated only by abuse for no other reason than he "felt like it."

A coward will not confront his boss about injustice or mistreatment, but he will take it out on someone weaker than he is. In fact, he feels justified in doing so and often feels like a victim himself.

That's the problem with cowards. They are too smart to attack someone who has more power than they do, because they know they will suffer the consequences. They don't even much care for engaging an equal. But someone who is "weaker"? Perfect. 

For whatever reason, cowardly men also seem to feel perfectly justified taking out their anger on women who have romantically rejected them. Often, they take on the mantle of "victim" (of society, women, the government, their boss) to justify their behavior and deny their own power and culpability:

"I wouldn't be such an asshole if a woman hadn't broken my heart."
"I was a nice guy until I got rejected for the 20th time."

So, that leads to the question, how do you deal with a coward? 

Directly. To his face. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his behavior is unacceptable.

There's a great book called Verbal Judo about conflict and communication. In it, he talks about three kinds of people: nice people, difficult people, and wimps. You can guess who the cowards are. He recommends calling wimps out in public or confronting them in private (not recommended unless you are in a position of authority). 

Faced with real power, a coward will back down 100% of the time. It's that cliche you see in movies: the underdog can't take it anymore and fights back, leaving the bully a blubbering mess. 

There's some truth to that.  

This is not about playing nice, conflict resolution between equals, or fighting fair. Cowards never fight fair, so watch your back and enlist the help of an older brother or sister if necessary. Here are some possible responses:

"I will not tolerate being spoken to like that."

"Stop it."

"Back off."

Make yourself look as big and threatening as possible. Pretend you're at Yosemite and he is a brown bear. Show that you will not be intimidated and he will scuttle away with his tail between his legs.

Remember, he is not looking for an equal fight. He only abuses those he perceives to be weaker or more vulnerable than he is and will probably be shocked if you actually fight back.

Or you could just punch him in the face (I take no legal responsibility if you decide to take this route but I'll probably be cheering for you from the sidelines).

I jest. But in all seriousness, watch out for the coward. I had a lot of difficulty processing what happened to me until I started looking at it from the lens of power. To you, it might be a conflict between equals, but to him, it's all about making you feel small by any means available (shame, condescension, repeating negative things other people have said about you, attacking your character and personality, blaming you for everything, etc.). You become an object of uncontrolled hatred and rage.

The crux of what makes Christian guys undateable is that their actions often indicate that they don't view women as human beings worthy of equal respect.

Cowards don't respond to rejection very well (how would you feel if some inferior object rejected you?). And neither do some Christian guys. More on that later.

The glass jar has yet to speak on what I'll be writing about next. Till then.

Next: The Myth of Persistence

Pain, Part 2

I wasn't quite telling the whole story in my last post about pain, entitled fittingly "Pain" (with a title like that, shockingly not one of my most popular posts). 

I wrote that the wound was infected and that was why I was still in capital "P" PAIN, pain that wouldn't go away, that didn't fade with time, that lingered in excruciating fashion.

I think there's some truth to that, but the larger truth is that I am still in a context and a situation that is not safe--that does not feel safe--in which I am constantly on alert.

I am still in the mix. And so I am still in the source of the pain.

I am afraid that what happened before will happen again--an instinctual, animal fear. I do not claim that my fear is logical, or rational, or necessary, that there is any way for me to know that it could happen again.

The fear just is. Much like the pain. 

So there it is. I'm not in a safe place--haven't been for months.

And speaking of safety, in particular emotional safety, it's something you only realize you had once you've lost it. I was safe; now I am not. The very definition of safety is that you are not thinking, "I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe..." You are not thinking about it at all.

What I didn't expect after that initial "NO!" to what was not safe but rather violating, soul-battering, wounding--and this "No" felt good and right and true--was having to say "No" over and over again.

"I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe..."

"No" to having my boundaries violated and trampled. "No" to attempts at emotional manipulation. "No" to the endless cycle of brokenness and hurt. And "No" most of all to shame.

There is the thought at the back of mind that because I didn't leave immediately (for rational, adult reasons) I only brought upon myself everything that followed--that I brought all this pain on myself, basically. If only I had just left. 

Shame is such a huge temptation for me. And maybe that's why the fear has been so persistent. You would think that after all this time, I wouldn't be afraid that he would hurt me, again. But I am. 

You would think that after all this time, I would feel secure and safe. But I don't. 

Some part of me is extremely sorry that I am just that weak. That I can't overcome this fear of being emotionally brutalized by someone that I once trusted. That I'm walking around wounded and for the life of me don't have the means to protect myself or feel safe again.

But then maybe that's just the sane thing to do--move to safety as soon as possible. You're hurt, you're bleeding--get off the battlefield, remove yourself from the line of fire.

It's possible that it is impossible to heal while you are still flinching at every sudden noise and movement, when you are too much in fight or flight to even think about recovery. It's possible that fleeing to safety will mean that the wound can finally heal. 

And I'm extremely lucky to be able to do that. I have the means to leave. To get out. And I know that that is a privilege. 

No one deserves this, I remind myself. Not even me. 

The Upside of Crisis

It's been a rough couple of months. You know when a situation quickly escalates from bad to The Room (except it's too immediate to even be funny yet)?

When I'm not hiding in my closet, crying, or hiding in my closet crying, I've been doing some crisis-induced thinking. Except when it feels like CRISIS and not just unfortunate-situation-I'm-trying-to-deal-with, it gets really hard to think clearly.

When I'm in fight-or-flight mode I really only want to do one of two things:

1) Run away.
2) Punch someone in the face.
3) Punch someone in the face and then run away.

Okay, that was three things, but you get the idea.

That's the downside of crisis. Calm, rational thought goes right into the proverbial whirring garbage disposal (along with, unfortunately, the ability to execute normal day-to-day functions like brainstorming my next crockpot recipe and wearing matching socks. Wait--who am I kidding. I can't even manage that on a good day).

I feel like I'm in the midst of emotional warfare, but they brought a [insert military grade weapon here] and I brought a paper clip and a stick of chewing gum (In case you were wondering, I'm losing).

Add to this the fact that my emotional reaction time is basically glacial. If you stab me repeatedly with a piece of broken glass I might say "ouch" roughly two weeks later. Imagine how long it takes me to heal. Yeah.

And just as the wound appears to be scabbing over, I get stabbed, again, by someone who keeps telling me they would rather succumb to a flesh-eating disease than hurt me. It's confusing as #$@!.

But I digress. The upside.

Recognizing that I am a human person with human limitations

Unspoken Rule #178 - Do not be weak.

Unspoken Rule #3 - Don't be a victim.

Unspoken Rule #65 - If you cry, expect to be made fun of. Oh, and if you do cry, people are secretly judging you for being overly emotional and "weak."

Unspoken Rule #82 - Never allow yourself to be dependent on someone else.

Unspoken Rule #77 - If you are dependent on someone else, they will resent you. For being weak.

Unspoken Rule #34 - Do not ask for help.

Unspoken Rule #91 - You need to figure this out on your own.

Unspoken Rule #117 - The worst thing you can do is feel sorry for yourself.

Learning the signs of "I'm not okay"

I feel like this must be easier for other people. Maybe not. It takes me days (it feels like) to even realize that I'm upset. I analyze and compartmentalize my emotions as if they are completely separate from me, kind of like other people might organize their DVD collection by genre, director or year of release.

"I'm filing all my Wes Anderson movies under M for 'melancholy.'"

Acknowledging some hard-to-accept truths about myself

Hard Truth #35 - I don't have a ton of automatic respect for authority, power, position, or the status quo.

Hard Truth #21 - I have a near-crippling fear of disapproval from authority figures.

Hard Truth #88 - I think I'm better than the rules. See also Hard Truth #35 & Hard Truth #21. See also, COMPLETELY SCREWED.

Hard Truth #103 - Subverting the system makes me gleeful and somewhat smug. [Thanks a lot, Dad.]

Hard Truth #999 - I ride my bike to work, drink fruit-oatmeal-spinach-flaxseed smoothies, and attend the occasional yoga class. Yes, I have become THAT person.

I have really awesome friends

They would be awesome even if I wasn't going through a crisis or CRISIS. Thanks you guys. It is because of you that I have yet to either run away or punch someone in the face or both.

I'm going to get through this.

Racism, Racialism & The Spontaneous Combustion of Facebook Friends

So this happened:

A white man publicly shaming an Asian woman over--get this--prepackaged food sold from a retail grocery chain.

A civilized discourse on facebook about the relative merits of Trader Joe's Authentically Korean Seaweed Salad with Spicy Dressing, and then--

BOOM. He was gone. In a blaze of glory. All that was left was the faintly acrid smell of confusion and freeze dried kimchi.

And oh man. How could it be more perfect. I especially enjoyed the "Have a nice life while I remove you from my friends list" and the reference to calling yourself a Christian and making racist and homophobic comments (has this guy talked to any Christians recently? How about in the last 500 years?).

[How is it that when someone says "Have a nice life" they almost never mean it?]

We don't tar and feather wrongdoers anymore. Worse. We defriend them. Publicly.

What exactly is going on here? What should be considered racist? Is any generalization related to race "racist"? Should we dismiss all cries of racism as politically correct BS?

First, I'm going to make a distinction: racist v. racialist.

Making a generalization based on race is racialist but no necessarily racist, see the helpful tune from Avenue Q, Everyone's A Little Bit Racist for more details.

Obviously, you don't have to be white to make a negative (or otherwise) generalization based on race. Can you spot the racist statement?

"Wow, there are a lot of latino people in this sushi restaurant."

"That guy over there is black."

"I think Indian girls are hot."

"Most Asian people drive green Fiats."

"All white people are racist."

Okay. That was an easy one. Point taken.

HOWEVER

Have white Germans been systematically and historically oppressed, humiliated, excluded, killed or otherwise mistreated for not being able to make tasty Korean food?

No.

Now, before anyone starts picketing this blog holding signs that read "I'm white and I make a mean batch of kimchi," let me point out that context matters. History matters.

People who think that context and history don't matter usually think we shouldn't talk about race at all, which I suppose is the ultimate form of political correctness.

The problem with calling all racial generalizations "racist" is that it obscures real racism, a racism that goes far beyond "white people don't make Korean food as well as Korean people do."

If all generalizations based on race are racist, then we have no choice but to conclude that we are all racist, and isn't that wonderful because we're all the same and why can't we all just get along and laugh about it?

In Mindy Lahiri Is a Racist, the show makes fun of racist stereotypes [LOL] and politically incorrect gaffes without ever pointing out that, hey, inequality sucks.

I would argue that the most insidious form of racism is not "Asian women can't drive," but something much more systematic and subtle.

Ta-Nehisi Coates writes, "Racism is not merely a simplistic hatred. It is, more often, broad sympathy toward some and broader skepticism toward others."

George Zimmerman or Trayvon Martin?

Is the "knockout game" really a thing?

Are white people victims of reverse racism?

I wonder why this spontaneous combustion of facebook friends seems to happen to white men. White dudes: battling for equality and respect one incendiary facebook comment at a time [See what I just did there?]

There must be something more going on. No one gets this upset about Korean Style Beef Short Ribs.

Just don't dis my Chicken Tikka Masala with Cumin Flavored Basmati Rice. If Trader Joe's ever stopped carrying it I would probably starve.

INTP = Asshole?

This is not a new topic, but I thought I'd tackle it, settling once-and-for-all the debate: Does INTP = Asshole?

YES

Yes, INTPs can be assholes. Now, calm down--this is not as bad as it sounds.

Let's pretend for a moment that INTPs have a significant blind spot when it comes to social interactions. There's a gap between how the INTP sees herself and the reality of how she comes off to others. Illustration below:

I                                                                                                                  REALITY
N             
T
P

I would get so much done if I didn't have to eat, shower or interact with other human beings.

[I find this illustration hilarious for some reason.]

So, the INTP might view himself as honest, straightforward and direct ("I like to get straight to the point, no beating around the bush").

Other people find him blunt, abrasive, cold, aloof and insensitive.

You might think of it as lacking a certain kind of social filter, i.e. there are some things that are okay to think but not okay to say out loud. In front of people.

[Welcome to my world.]

There's a corollary to this: the INTP is usually so hyper-focused on one particular thing that nothing else seems to matter.

It's not that the INTP doesn't care about your feelings. But she is staring so intently at the mark on the wall that everything else has fallen away, including, sadly any sense of tact or human decency.

In the INTP's defense, the insensitivity is not intentionally malicious or meant to cause harm, but of course at this point the intention of the remark is less important than the content.

[I'm sorry.]

On the other hand, if you question the competence of an INTP, he may very well react negatively and lash out in anger.

It's that combination of being seemingly insensitive to the feelings of others while also highly sensitive to certain kinds of slights that paints the INTP as kind of a jerk, and a hypocritical one at that.

[Ending on somewhat of a dark note here.]

NO

If INTP's were truly assholes, blog posts like this would not exist, because being an asshole implies a sense of entitlement (often blind):

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

(Aaron James, Assholes: A Theory)

If you were really an asshole, you wouldn't devote 753 words to determining your status. You'd be out letting your dog take a crap on someone else's lawn, not a care in the world.

[Those dirtbags.]

MAYBE

No discussion of INTPs and assholery would be complete without discussing arrogance.

[Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement just a little too vigorously.]

Remember the illustration above? Chances are what other people consider arrogance, the INTP simply considers "being right 99% of the time" or "almost always being the smartest person in the room." I exaggerate, but statements that appear overweening to others generally strike the INTP as just the facts, ma'am.

In their own way, INTPs are truth-tellers. And this can get them into trouble.

APPLICATION

So, you're an INTP and someone thinks you're an asshole. Or just plain doesn't like you.

Think about it, did you:

A. Say something that could have been taken the wrong way?
B. Lash out because you felt personally attacked?
C. Have no idea why they don't like you?

If it's one of the first two, apologizing might go a long way. But if it's the third--

At a certain point, I think it's healthy and mature to not take it personally if someone hates your guts.

I've had instances where someone wasn't quite won over by my winning personality (surprising, I know), and as best as I could tell, their own feelings of insecurity were the primary reason--not something I did or something I said (though it's possible something I did or something I said sparked those feelings).

The best I can do in these situations is confront the person and ask if I've done anything to offend them, and if so, apologize. 

But ultimately, how someone feels about me is not up to me. I can call someone out on their passive-aggressive behavior, initiate the "Are we okay?" talk, and say I'm sorry--but that's about the extent of it. 

If I could give any advice to any fellow INTPs out there, I would say:

Embrace humility in your interpersonal relationships, BUT run far, far away from shame or anything else trying to convince you that you're defective (you're not).

In conclusion, INTPs can be arrogant, insensitive and abrasive.

But are they assholes?

Naw.

More on INTPs:

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3
Everyone Wants to Date an INTP
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
The INTP in the Workplace, Part 1