Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Misogynist

[For an introduction to this series, go here.]

There's nothing subtle about misogyny. The word literally means, "the hatred of women."

To me, if a guy is a misogynist, it makes him undateable. Harsh, I know. But a girl's gotta have her standards. If a man hates women and wants to date me, I consider it a conflict of interest. Because I am a woman. Sorry. It's not something that I chose. You could say it chose me.

Recently, I checked out this book from the library and had it sitting relatively inconspicuously in my apartment. Three different women came over in one evening, each arriving at a different time. All three immediately noticed the book and had a strong reaction to it:

Christian Men Who Hate Women

Despite the cheesy title and vaguely 80s slasher flick cover, the book reads as just as relevant and resonant (Mark Driscoll) now as it did when it was published 24 years ago. From the book:

"Christian men who hate women are in some ways even more dangerous than their non-Christian counterparts. Non-Christian misogynists do not have the additional arsenal of church doctrines, God-talk, and the "sanctioning" of male authority, which comes in a Christian marriage. Their wives are not taught from childhood to 'submit' to men 'no matter what' because it is 'God's will.' Thus Christian relationships based on misogyny are much more complicated due to the theological, cultural, and traditional influences that tend to reinforce the misogynist's prejudice against his wife." (Dr. Margaret J. Rinck, Christian Men Who Hate Women)

This leads to an important question as someone who dates and has dated Christian men: How do you tell if a Christian guy is a misogynist? If he doesn't walk around with a T-shirt that reads 1 Cor. 14:34 or ask you about how much you like to cook and clean on the first date, how will you know?

In addition, should we draw a clear distinction between the dude who makes tasteless and unfunny jokes about women (we all know this dude) from a man who uses or abuses women?

The misogynist is probably always sexist, but is the sexist always a misogynist?

Good question. There is probably no foolproof detection method, but I do know that a guy I dated turned out to be both (it was an unpleasant surprise to say the least).

It started with banal, oft-repeated (by men in general) sexist comments and stereotypes and turned into full-blown hatred, emotional manipulation, and abuse.

So on that fun note, here are some things that might be true of the misogynistic Christian guy:

He believes in rigid, non-negotiable gender roles

I'm not talking having complementarian leanings, I'm talking:

"A woman's primary role is to stay home and take care of the children and the household."

"Women should never hold a leadership role in church."

"If a man isn't the sole provider for his family, then he's not a real man,"

I've definitely met guys who say they would prefer for their wife or future wife to stay at home with the kids--but when confronted with specifics, they actually have no hard-and-fast rules, and that's key. 

He refers to his ex-girlfriend(s) as "a bitch," "crazy," "gold digger," "slut," "overly emotional," etc.

This one seems like common sense, but if your date starts talking about how crazy, deceptive, and destructive his ex was, you might think, "Wow, I'm so much better than his last girlfriend" instead of "I wonder if he's going to talk about me that way too."

Of course, a guy may have been treated very poorly in past relationships. This doesn't excuse talking about another human being with a lack of respect, and there's something about gender-inflected stereotypes and insults that is especially telling--of his character, not hers. 

He uses one tone of voice and type of language around his "bros," and another around you.

He may use sexist humor or the degradation of women and femininity to establish or build rapport with other men. He is one way with his buddies and another way around you.

He often uses hierarchical language to describe himself or other men.

He refers to men as either "alphas" or "betas." He's preoccupied with power differences, particularly between himself and other men his age. He's concerned with appearing "weak" or feminine in front of other guys and looks for their approval in subtle ways.

He's racist, sexist, homophobic and/or speaks about "the Other" with disgust

How does he talk about and treat those he sees as "Other"?  Does he talk about UCLA fans as if they are less than human? Use derogatory language to describe muslims or those of other faiths? Make cruel jokes about those he considers unattractive?

He generally blames other people or things for his problems.

This is a larger character defect obviously not limited to men. But if a man tends to blame others for his actions, failures, mistakes, or shortcomings, this will also apply to his closest relationships. He will be able to justify any abusive words or actions, because they will never, ever be his fault. In fact, they will probably be yours.

He becomes defensive or hurt or attacks you if you confront him about his misogyny or sexism.

Defensiveness is a corollary of the last point. Men who do not take responsibility for their actions are by nature extremely defensive. They have built-in defense mechanisms against anything that might threaten their own views about themselves (as caring, loving, rational, good, etc.).

If you find yourself defending your own actions after confronting his, that is a bad sign. If you let him, he will turn the scrutiny onto you and your perceived faults.

He puts you on a pedestal.

"[T]he greater the idealization, the greater the devaluation when it finally occurs."
- Dr. John Townsend in Hiding From Love

You know what you put on pedestals? Things. Idealization is simply another form of objectification, and has far more to do with his needs than your perfection.

He might treat you like an extremely valuable, fragile glass vase at the beginning of the relationship--striving to meet your every need, handling you with care. Unfortunately, objects are made to be used, and when they no longer serve their (his) purpose, or when they cease to be useful, they are made to be destroyed.

How do you distinguish between the man who treats you with love and respect and the man who idealizes you as an object he can worship?

Is he secure or is he anxious? Does he respect your boundaries? Does he hear what you say or what he wants to hear?

He abuses you physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually

I started writing about misogyny, and here I am writing about abuse. I think this because abuse is the end game of misogyny. If you find yourself in a relationship with a misogynistic man, it's only a matter of time before he turns this hatred on you.

Questions:
Is he hurting you?
Is he destroying what you love?
Are you living in fear of "the next time"?
Are you constantly in "fight or flight"?
Are you caught up in a cycle that seems impossible to break?

Please check out more resources about this topic at the end of the post.

I'm not saying that any one of these traits is necessarily indicative of misogyny (with the exception of abuse), but a cluster of them could be a pretty big red flag.

Abusers rarely batter you (physically or verbally) on the first date. In fact, at the beginning of the relationship, an abuser will pour on the love, idealization, empathy, etc., so that when he starts the abuse, you are already "hooked."

The point of this post is simply to point out some of the warning signs of misogyny--so hopefully you can leave before it ever gets to that point.

He eats peanut butter Cap'n Crunch for breakfast

Just kidding about this last one. Peanut butter Cap'n Crunch is my favorite.

Resources:
Christian Men Who Hate Women
Why Does He Do That?
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Power and Control Wheel
Should I stay or should I go?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline

F*** A Nerd: A Solution to the "Sexodus" Crisis

Ladies, there is a crisis in the land: Cowed and oppressed by the forces of radical feminism, heterosexual men everywhere are checking out of the dating scene and checking into video games and online porn. You might have heard about this crisis, this "Sexodus." It is a terrible, terrible scourge of biblical proportions (the 11th plague) afflicting women everywhere.

But luckily I have come up with a solution:

F*** a nerd.

Find the most pathetic specimen of masculinity possible. The more he loathes himself, the better. The longer he hasn't showered, the more he needs the redemption that only your body can provide. He lives in his mom's basement and watches online porn for 12 hours a day? Perfect.

Throw away those unrealistic and cruel expectations for men manufactured by feminism and romantic comedies. You say you want a man who will treat you with respect, and yet you read "50 Shades of Grey." Twice. Clearly, you don't know what you want.

Plus, you think you're so hot. Well, let me tell you, your expectations are way, way too high. Are you Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift, or Beyonce? No? Then you are fugly at best. However, your female privilege has convinced you that you are all that, two Coach purses, and 54 pairs of shoes. You think you can get a "hot guy" with a job to commit to you. Good luck with that. 

Remember: You can always be replaced with porn and video games. Porn doesn't file false harassment charges. Porn doesn't nag at you to empty the dishwasher or get a job. Porn doesn't say "No" when it means "Yes." Porn doesn't only have sex with assholes. Porn doesn't smile at you one day and put you in the "friend zone" the next. Porn doesn't fight back. Chew on that.

Ladies, if you have sex with a nerd, he might just start to overcome the years of rejection and oppression he has experienced at the hands of our female-dominated society. Sure, he knows he really deserves a supermodel and the six figure job you got just because you are female, but the consolation prize of your subpar body will have to do for now.

Really, it's for the good of humanity, the continuation of the species, and a peaceful resolution to the war on men that's being raged in America.

If we are to end this crisis, drastic measures must be taken. So here's my advice:

Stop trying to get ahead at work. Turn down that promotion. You don't need that promotion. A man needs that promotion.

Stop being good at school [a female-created institution designed to make men feel incompetent and insecure].

Stop volunteering to lead at church. You don't need that leadership position. A man needs that leadership position. If a man stops coming to church, it's your fault for taking the leadership role that was rightfully his.

Stop having expectations for the men you sleep with. It's enough that he condescended to sleep with you in the first place, when he could have been playing Minecraft.

Stop complaining about sexual assault, sexual harassment, and sexism. Men are tired of hearing about it. You are only perpetuating the feminist myth that all men are rapists and pigs. Men will assume that asking you on a date will get them charged with assault.

Stop sending mixed messages. Either you want a real man who forcibly takes what he wants or you want a passive nice guy who treats you as an equal but never makes a move. You can't have both.

Women: the choice is simple. If you don't "lean back" and spread your legs, unemployed men drowning in self-pity who have given up on any semblance of personal hygiene are going to refuse to have sex with you.

Do you want to die single and alone? I didn't think so. Get out there, and start f***** as many undesirable and unattractive men as you possibly can. If you're lucky, one of them might even agree to marry you.

But don't count on it.


Inspirations:
Lysistrata by Eurpides
Matt Walsh
Article about the "Sexodus"

INTP = Asshole?

This is not a new topic, but I thought I'd tackle it, settling once-and-for-all the debate: Does INTP = Asshole?

YES

Yes, INTPs can be assholes. Now, calm down--this is not as bad as it sounds.

Let's pretend for a moment that INTPs have a significant blind spot when it comes to social interactions. There's a gap between how the INTP sees herself and the reality of how she comes off to others. Illustration below:

I                                                                                                                  REALITY
N             
T
P

I would get so much done if I didn't have to eat, shower or interact with other human beings.

[I find this illustration hilarious for some reason.]

So, the INTP might view himself as honest, straightforward and direct ("I like to get straight to the point, no beating around the bush").

Other people find him blunt, abrasive, cold, aloof and insensitive.

You might think of it as lacking a certain kind of social filter, i.e. there are some things that are okay to think but not okay to say out loud. In front of people.

[Welcome to my world.]

There's a corollary to this: the INTP is usually so hyper-focused on one particular thing that nothing else seems to matter.

It's not that the INTP doesn't care about your feelings. But she is staring so intently at the mark on the wall that everything else has fallen away, including, sadly any sense of tact or human decency.

In the INTP's defense, the insensitivity is not intentionally malicious or meant to cause harm, but of course at this point the intention of the remark is less important than the content.

[I'm sorry.]

On the other hand, if you question the competence of an INTP, he may very well react negatively and lash out in anger.

It's that combination of being seemingly insensitive to the feelings of others while also highly sensitive to certain kinds of slights that paints the INTP as kind of a jerk, and a hypocritical one at that.

[Ending on somewhat of a dark note here.]

NO

If INTP's were truly assholes, blog posts like this would not exist, because being an asshole implies a sense of entitlement (often blind):

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

(Aaron James, Assholes: A Theory)

If you were really an asshole, you wouldn't devote 753 words to determining your status. You'd be out letting your dog take a crap on someone else's lawn, not a care in the world.

[Those dirtbags.]

MAYBE

No discussion of INTPs and assholery would be complete without discussing arrogance.

[Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement just a little too vigorously.]

Remember the illustration above? Chances are what other people consider arrogance, the INTP simply considers "being right 99% of the time" or "almost always being the smartest person in the room." I exaggerate, but statements that appear overweening to others generally strike the INTP as just the facts, ma'am.

In their own way, INTPs are truth-tellers. And this can get them into trouble.

APPLICATION

So, you're an INTP and someone thinks you're an asshole. Or just plain doesn't like you.

Think about it, did you:

A. Say something that could have been taken the wrong way?
B. Lash out because you felt personally attacked?
C. Have no idea why they don't like you?

If it's one of the first two, apologizing might go a long way. But if it's the third--

At a certain point, I think it's healthy and mature to not take it personally if someone hates your guts.

I've had instances where someone wasn't quite won over by my winning personality (surprising, I know), and as best as I could tell, their own feelings of insecurity were the primary reason--not something I did or something I said (though it's possible something I did or something I said sparked those feelings).

The best I can do in these situations is confront the person and ask if I've done anything to offend them, and if so, apologize. 

But ultimately, how someone feels about me is not up to me. I can call someone out on their passive-aggressive behavior, initiate the "Are we okay?" talk, and say I'm sorry--but that's about the extent of it. 

If I could give any advice to any fellow INTPs out there, I would say:

Embrace humility in your interpersonal relationships, BUT run far, far away from shame or anything else trying to convince you that you're defective (you're not).

In conclusion, INTPs can be arrogant, insensitive and abrasive.

But are they assholes?

Naw.

More on INTPs:

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3
Everyone Wants to Date an INTP
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
The INTP in the Workplace, Part 1

Bullshit

Everyone has it. Everyone knows what it is.

The telltale sign that something coming out of someone else's mouth is complete mierda?

Your eyes start to glaze over. You resist the urge to roll them. You carefully control the corners of your mouth.

"Uh huh."

It's a lot like BO--we're so good at discerning other people's stench and so bad at recognizing our own.

You know what I want to call bullshit on?

"Everyone wants someone who will call them on their bullshit."

There's no way that can be true. Maybe on a micro-level. Like, "Hey, as far as I can tell, you're not going to Coachella for the music" or "I'm pretty sure you fake laughed at your girlfriend's joke."

No one wants to get called out on the big stuff.

"Hey bro, you continually take on projects that you have no chance of completing so that you can avoid your own persistent sense of failure."

"You constantly talk about how 'hot' you are, but at your core you feel unlovely and unloveable."

"You complain about how stressful your job is, but secretly you get off on it."

"You find it so easy to criticize other people's efforts, but you can't even attempt work of your own."

You wanna know what goes hand-in-hand with bullshit (no, not rhetorical questions)?

Self-deception.

We all do it. I'm pretty sure we even need a certain dose of it just to survive. The truth, it burns. Self-deception, it goes without saying, preempts growth. It also keeps us safe.

I know I don't want to be called out on my bullshit. It's too painful.

Unfortunately, your bullshit is not just your own. It affects the people around you. Sorry to break it to you, but your bullshit is hurting other people.

Your bullshit is hurting me. It's hurting you too. I want better for you.

And I know, it's probably rooted in deep insecurity, possibly even self-loathing, and you're not even aware that you're doing it.

[Indirect putdowns are the worst.]

And my bullshit is hurting other people. I'm sorry. And I'm working on it.

Shame, Entitlement, and the Reluctant A-hole

At my work we recently discussed the "Asshole Rule": If you meet more than three assholes in one day, you're the asshole [somehow this translated into, "If you own three or more cats, you are a cat lady/man, but I digress.]

Yes, we have all met a few assholes in our lives. We've probably even been the asshole on a few choice occasions. But what, exactly, makes an asshole an asshole?

Alex Balk quotes Aaron James as follows in his article The A-hole in the Mirror:

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

[from Assholes: A Theory]

That's as good a definition as I've ever heard.

That guy laying on the horn because you're not turning left fast enough for his taste? Yeah, definitely an asshole. A typical LA asshole, to be exact. He feels entitled to get through that light as fast as humanly possible, and no dinky 1988 Honda is going to stand in his way.

It's not just Angelenos, though. Millennials, especially, are known for their sense of entitlement--we were raised on self-esteem and certificates praising our mere participation.

And my first thought is: I can't possibly be an asshole. I'm way too introspective. 'Cause, you know, self-absorbed people can't be assholes. Even so, I prefer "rough around the edges" or alternatively, "slightly oblivious to other people's feelings."

I could tell many stories of how I've slighted other people's feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some of them leave me cringing in shame. Others elicit confusion more than anything else--I said that? I did that? You felt that way, because of me? Yeah, that's me. The asshole.

I don't know about you, but it's disheartening to realize that the same things that made me an asshole 10 years ago are the same things that make me an asshole today. 

What's a regretful asshole to do? I would say guilt and efforts at self-reformation, but I've been down that path before and I can't say it worked.

But what about this question of entitlement?

The thing about entitlement is that it's often unconscious. We're not even aware of it, and the same goes for privilege. I am both entitled and privileged in many different ways. To frame it in another manner, I'm spoiled. Flat out.

If I'm really honest, I feel a sense of entitlement about things that don't make a whole lot of sense. Things like, getting a job/promotion/raise because I deserve it, never having car trouble, ever, everyone liking me all the time, always (or at least not hating my guts), dating and eventually marrying a really cute guy, never having to deal with someone else's jealousy, envy, or insecurity--I could go on. In a sense, it all boils down to deserving and/or earning the good things that I get--instead of acknowledging that everything good comes from God, including my gifts, personality, strengths, weaknesses.

But what happens when I don't get what I should--by rights--get? What happens when I accomplish something significant and don't get the praise or the promotion that is my due? Or when my car breaks down? Or I don't get the guy?

Anger. That's what happens. I can't seem to let go of my pride and my self-reliance. I want so much to deserve the good things. Or, I try harder. Maybe if I...then I'll get...

And If I'm honest, I feel angry and hurt that some of my strongest personality traits tend to make me the asshole, to leave me wondering what I've done wrong or whom I've inadvertently offended once again. As if all my good intentions (or a lack of intention) are completely meaningless, when it comes down to it.

I'm not talking about your typical, everyday, run-of-the-mill assholery. I can be plenty selfish and insensitive. I'm talking about the things that I do because, as best as I can tell, that's just the way I'm wired: independent, driven, focused, self-sufficient, ambitious.

And I can't help wondering, did God create me this way for a reason, or am I just muddling along here, doing the best that I can.

To read more about a-holes:
Review of Assholes: A Theory
Interview with Geoffrey Nunger, author of Ascent of the A-word
Review of The No Asshole Rule by Robert Sutton
GQ article about how nerds can be a-holes too (linking assholery to insecurity)