These three words have stuck with me.
I had just set clear-cut boundaries in a relationship. Someone I had been close to hurt me--intentionally or not, I have no idea. I set boundaries in order to protect myself, not punish him. And he responded with anger:
"What about grace?"
I remember how much he seemed to hate me, even as he uttered these words.
What I was doing was the opposite of grace: Not-Grace--condemnation, judgment, bitterness, unforgiveness (a sin for Christians).
By setting boundaries in a relationship, I was refusing to extend "grace." How often is grace invoked when a public Christian figure has an affair, sexually abuses children, uses shame and ostracism to control church members. How often is grace invoked by Christians in an--as far as I can tell--ungracious tone of voice.
Here, let me lecture you about what grace is, right before I bash you over the head with it, you sinner.
Grace as artillery. Forgiveness as a weapon.
What is grace, anyway?
I picture something beautiful. Something quiet, yet unrelenting.
In that moment, I didn't feel grace. I felt anger, hatred, and blame--if he hated me, if he abused me, it was my fault for not being graceful, or full of grace.
In this lopsided arrangement, grace is always for the perpetrator, never for the victim. It shames you for not being more forgiving. It reminds you that you too are an imperfect person in need of grace. It urges you to forgive, well before you are ready. It puts the burden on you to restore the perpetrator to wholeness.
So, what about grace?
Reflecting from a distance, Grace was setting boundaries. Grace was asking for help when those boundaries were violated. Grace was having the courage and the freedom to leave. Grace was feeling safe again. Grace was and is refusing to blame myself for the actions of another person.
Grace is not intimidation or threats. Grace is not a tool of manipulation or coercion. Grace is not an angry, 6'4'' man cursing at you, getting in your face, and demanding that you forgive him.
I crave the grace of small, tiny moments when I am allowed to grieve. When it is okay to be not okay. Where my reactions are not judged or rejected.
Grace. What about it.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
In my first post, I didn't really address how to get an INTP to give more f***s. That will be addressed from two perspectives:
One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.
Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.
Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.
Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.
Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:
Don't take it personally.
If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.
So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.
You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.
Directly confront them if they offended you
Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.
This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.
But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.
Don't make it personal.
This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:
Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.
The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.
Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.
It's much easier said than done.
Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.
Maybe.
Never back them into a corner.
I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.
Examples of backing someone into a corner:
"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."
Deliberately ask them to shift their focus
Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:
"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"
"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"
If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.
As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.
The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
You can't change how someone feels
Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.
This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.
It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.
I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.
Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.
In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.
Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.
Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.
Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.
Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.
Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:
 |
| Somehow, I don't think this is how it goes down. |
If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.
So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.
You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.
Directly confront them if they offended you
Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.
This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.
But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.
Don't make it personal.
This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:
- Don't yell or use emotional language, "You always," "You never," etc..
- Use "I" statements and focus on the effects of her actions/attitude/words on you.
Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.
The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.
Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.
It's much easier said than done.
Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.
Maybe.
Never back them into a corner.
I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.
Examples of backing someone into a corner:
"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."
Deliberately ask them to shift their focus
Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:
"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"
"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"
If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.
As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.
The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
You can't change how someone feels
Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.
This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.
It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.
I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.
Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.
In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.
Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Knowing when to quit a job, relationship or kickball team
Ever have a job you hated from the first minute of the first day? What about a boyfriend who made you feel small and alone after two weeks of dating? Rarely do jobs or relationships start out as toxic or abusive. If they did, we would leave right away.
So how do you know when to quit? What might happen if you stay?
Dr. Henry Cloud makes the distinction between "pain with a purpose" and "pain for no good reason."
Pain means something is wrong. My friend and fellow blogger goes into detail about that here, and I also wrote a post about pain here.
Bottom line: Pain Bad. Also, there are different kinds of pain, and it can be useful to define which kind of pain you are currently experiencing. Is it getting better? Is getting worse? Are you feeling numb to the pain? How does the person/atmosphere/task make you feel on a regular basis?
There are some kinds of pain that are inescapable--akin to being stuck on the 405 at 5pm on a Thursday. If you can avoid it, by all means do so. If you can't--that's life.
But there are other kinds of pain that are simply not worth it.
I read somewhere that there is a name for pointless suffering: torture.
Sometimes we buy into the idea that it's supposed to be hard--marriage isn't easy. Learning to play the violin or make the perfect pie crust might require long, tedious hours of practice. But there are some kinds of pain that are not in the service of a greater good. There are some kinds of pain that only break you down over time.
So, is this suffering (assuming it's not inescapable) making you a better or a worse version of yourself? Are you suffering for no good reason?
It's also good to process how you are coping with the pain. Are you using healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?
For example, disassociation from your environment, from people, from a hostile relationship can be an extremely useful coping strategy--however, rarely is cutting yourself off from your emotions a good long-term strategy.
Even if you are not working in an abusive or toxic environment, emotions like frustration, boredom, and dissatisfaction are worth paying attention to. Maybe they don't mean you should immediately quit your job--but they do mean something. Like maybe now is good time to move on, if you're able.
As for work situations and relationships that are abusive, the first step is recognizing the cycle of abuse. Here's an example from a work situation:
1 - Tensions building: As the deadline closes in for a project at work, I start to feel a sense of dread. Although I am doing all I can, I still fear that my boss will be displeased with the final product, no matter what I do or don't do. I have seen him explode in the past, usually the night before the project is due. He has also made threats about what might happen if there is a repeat of past "failures." I feel like something terrible yet undefinable is about to happen.
2 - Incident: The night before the project is due, as predicted, my boss explodes at me in a company meeting in front of our entire team for "Not presenting it in the right way." I feel helpless and unable to defend myself. I feel worthless and doubt my ability to ever get it right. The entire room is thick with tension, anxiety and fear. Everyone else looks completely cowed and no one stands up for me. My boss justifies his belittlement as necessary because other tactics (praising me, telling me I'm doing a good job) have not worked.
3 - Reconciliation: My boss is absent for much of the rest of the week. When I see him again, he appears to be in a better mood, and no mention is made of the meeting.
4 - Calm: My boss tells me he is just trying to help me develop in my career. He seems to want to work more collaboratively and tells me that I have a lot of potential.
A note here about anger and distinguishing between normal, reactive anger and anger that is abusive:
I think there is a difference. As far as I can tell, abusive anger (unlike normal anger) tends to fill the room. It has layers of hurt, shame and blame that go far beyond the context or situation at hand--imagine that you and this person are in a relationship and you cheated on them and ran over their dog on purpose--that's what it feels like. The goal of abusive anger is to hurt, control and punish the other person.
If you are in an abusive situation, I would recommend getting out now. Instead of thinking about what could be--he could be the man of your dreams, this could be the job that catapults you to success, it could get better, there could be an opportunity here to do something you love--think about what is.
Think about what might happen if instead of getting better, things actually get worse--whether it's your partner's anger or an abusive cycle at work. Abuse tends to escalate gradually over time, so that boundaries that you never thought would be crossed are suddenly fair game. When you are in a toxic or abusive dynamic, it can be impossible to see the situation objectively--even more so if the relationship or job constantly puts you in fight or flight.
Here are some not-so-great reasons for staying in a bad situation:
1. You keep thinking about the good 'ol days when you first started the job/relationship.
2. There's a small chance conditions will improve.
3. He/she can change. You believe in them!
4. You're afraid that no one else will ever love you or hire you again.
5.You want to prove "them" wrong.
6. You are seeking justice for wrongs done to you.
7. You are waiting for permission to leave.
8. You think that the pain is making you "better."
I once overstayed a bad job situation by roughly three months--three of the worst months of my life, not to put too fine a point on it.
I kept thinking that when I finally left, things would start getting better. What I didn't expect was that, instead of getting better, things just stopped getting worse.
I feel like this is an important distinction. Are things getting worse? Is the abuse escalating? Are you continuing to put yourself in a situation that you know is harming you emotionally, physically, mentally? Get out. Stop waiting for them to get better. Stop waiting for him to change. Stop waiting for people to listen to your side of the story. Get out get out get out.
You are more important than any job or relationship.
If you do choose to leave an abusive relationship of any kind, take steps to protect yourself from retaliation by making sure that person has no access to you (preferably), zero leverage over you, or if that's not possible, that you have a support system and a safe place to go.
I'm rooting for you.
So how do you know when to quit? What might happen if you stay?
Dr. Henry Cloud makes the distinction between "pain with a purpose" and "pain for no good reason."
Pain means something is wrong. My friend and fellow blogger goes into detail about that here, and I also wrote a post about pain here.
Bottom line: Pain Bad. Also, there are different kinds of pain, and it can be useful to define which kind of pain you are currently experiencing. Is it getting better? Is getting worse? Are you feeling numb to the pain? How does the person/atmosphere/task make you feel on a regular basis?
There are some kinds of pain that are inescapable--akin to being stuck on the 405 at 5pm on a Thursday. If you can avoid it, by all means do so. If you can't--that's life.
But there are other kinds of pain that are simply not worth it.
I read somewhere that there is a name for pointless suffering: torture.
Sometimes we buy into the idea that it's supposed to be hard--marriage isn't easy. Learning to play the violin or make the perfect pie crust might require long, tedious hours of practice. But there are some kinds of pain that are not in the service of a greater good. There are some kinds of pain that only break you down over time.
So, is this suffering (assuming it's not inescapable) making you a better or a worse version of yourself? Are you suffering for no good reason?
It's also good to process how you are coping with the pain. Are you using healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?
For example, disassociation from your environment, from people, from a hostile relationship can be an extremely useful coping strategy--however, rarely is cutting yourself off from your emotions a good long-term strategy.
Even if you are not working in an abusive or toxic environment, emotions like frustration, boredom, and dissatisfaction are worth paying attention to. Maybe they don't mean you should immediately quit your job--but they do mean something. Like maybe now is good time to move on, if you're able.
As for work situations and relationships that are abusive, the first step is recognizing the cycle of abuse. Here's an example from a work situation:
 |
| "Cycle of Abuse" by Avanduyn - Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png#/media/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png |
2 - Incident: The night before the project is due, as predicted, my boss explodes at me in a company meeting in front of our entire team for "Not presenting it in the right way." I feel helpless and unable to defend myself. I feel worthless and doubt my ability to ever get it right. The entire room is thick with tension, anxiety and fear. Everyone else looks completely cowed and no one stands up for me. My boss justifies his belittlement as necessary because other tactics (praising me, telling me I'm doing a good job) have not worked.
3 - Reconciliation: My boss is absent for much of the rest of the week. When I see him again, he appears to be in a better mood, and no mention is made of the meeting.
4 - Calm: My boss tells me he is just trying to help me develop in my career. He seems to want to work more collaboratively and tells me that I have a lot of potential.
A note here about anger and distinguishing between normal, reactive anger and anger that is abusive:
I think there is a difference. As far as I can tell, abusive anger (unlike normal anger) tends to fill the room. It has layers of hurt, shame and blame that go far beyond the context or situation at hand--imagine that you and this person are in a relationship and you cheated on them and ran over their dog on purpose--that's what it feels like. The goal of abusive anger is to hurt, control and punish the other person.
If you are in an abusive situation, I would recommend getting out now. Instead of thinking about what could be--he could be the man of your dreams, this could be the job that catapults you to success, it could get better, there could be an opportunity here to do something you love--think about what is.
Think about what might happen if instead of getting better, things actually get worse--whether it's your partner's anger or an abusive cycle at work. Abuse tends to escalate gradually over time, so that boundaries that you never thought would be crossed are suddenly fair game. When you are in a toxic or abusive dynamic, it can be impossible to see the situation objectively--even more so if the relationship or job constantly puts you in fight or flight.
Here are some not-so-great reasons for staying in a bad situation:
1. You keep thinking about the good 'ol days when you first started the job/relationship.
2. There's a small chance conditions will improve.
3. He/she can change. You believe in them!
4. You're afraid that no one else will ever love you or hire you again.
5.You want to prove "them" wrong.
6. You are seeking justice for wrongs done to you.
7. You are waiting for permission to leave.
8. You think that the pain is making you "better."
I once overstayed a bad job situation by roughly three months--three of the worst months of my life, not to put too fine a point on it.
I kept thinking that when I finally left, things would start getting better. What I didn't expect was that, instead of getting better, things just stopped getting worse.
I feel like this is an important distinction. Are things getting worse? Is the abuse escalating? Are you continuing to put yourself in a situation that you know is harming you emotionally, physically, mentally? Get out. Stop waiting for them to get better. Stop waiting for him to change. Stop waiting for people to listen to your side of the story. Get out get out get out.
You are more important than any job or relationship.
If you do choose to leave an abusive relationship of any kind, take steps to protect yourself from retaliation by making sure that person has no access to you (preferably), zero leverage over you, or if that's not possible, that you have a support system and a safe place to go.
I'm rooting for you.
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