The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3

In this part of the series, we talk about how to give more f***s:

Maybe you're an INTP and you wish to give more of a f***. Think of it not as changing your basic nature, but as an opportunity for self-growth. If you are in conflict with someone about how much you care, here are some suggestions:

Instead of getting defensive, get curious

I've definitely been guilty of flying into a defensive frenzy every time someone accuses me of not giving a f***.

"But, BUT..."

It's so easy to go there. But so much more productive to get quiet and get curious--not about who's to blame, or what's wrong with the other person, or what's wrong with me--but about what's really going on.

And in the quiet, to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, no more, no less.

To resist any shame
To notice patterns
To find the humility in myself that will help me reconcile with the other person.

Apologize

Take responsibility if you have offended someone. This doesn't mean feeling bad about yourself. It does mean giving a f*** about other people's feelings.

You don't have to admit to being a horrible, defective person. You just have to admit that in this particular instance, what you said or did hurt someone else's feelings, and you take responsibility for that.

Don't fake it

As an INTP, even though I know, rationally, that faking it a little bit would probably make my life a lot easier, I still can't bring myself to do it or tell other people to do it.

If you don't give a f***, you don't give f***. Find something that you do give a f*** about and focus on that. You couldn't care less about emptying the dishwasher. But you care about your boyfriend's happiness.

It's okay to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept responsibility for--there are some things that are simply outside of your control such as:

Whether or not the other person chooses to accept your apology or hold a grudge forever.
How insecure the other person feels about their position of authority or the relationship.
How quickly the other person is able to let go of their anger.
The wounded pride or ego of another person.

You might come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can reasonably do (as a reasonable person) to get the other person on your side.

Don't fake it. Hold on to your boundaries and your integrity and don't accept the burden of shame from another person (or even yourself, for that matter). You don't have to fall on your own sword multiple times to get the other person to forgive you. If you find yourself doing this, it might be a sign that the other person is just not willing to let it go.

And that's not something you can control.

The INTP & Conflict: Getting along without going along

So you've apologized without defensiveness or shame. Next up, to improve the relationship:

Give detailed, specific, positive feedback at every opportunity

This may go against your nature, somewhat, as in, "Of course he knows I think he's doing good work. We don't need to say it out loud" or "Of course she knows I love her. Romance is stupid."

But not everyone has this same attitude. You might need to verbalize the "obvious" for people to feel liked or appreciated, rather than tolerated or taken for granted.

Just be honest. You don't have to fake it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If it feels at all icky or manipulative (as when you do this with a boss or a person in a position of power), just remind yourself that you are simply stating what you actually feel or think. Role-play with a friend if you have to.

If you worry about your tone of voice (I tend to sound innately skeptical in almost every interaction), write it instead.

You can do it!

Cultivate Gratitude about the little things

It's easy for me to be negative and critical, rather than cultivating gratitude for the little things in life. Honestly, I don't think my personality is going to change anytime soon (intensity FTW), but I do recognize and appreciate the people around me who always seem to look on the sunny side of life.

I mean, sometimes they irritate the crap out of me.

But more often than not, they defuse some of my own negativity.

Hang out with these people, if at all possible. They might not help you give more of a f***, but they can help soften a few of your rough edges.

It is possible to get along without going along--to hold on to your best qualities as an INTP (independence of thought and action, for example) without being a complete asshole.

For help dealing with the INTP in your life, go here.

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1

Okay--any other INTPs out there:

Have you ever been accused of not caring about something that someone else thinks you should care about? Like their feelings. (j/k)

No?

Maybe it's just me.

There's been a recent spate of articles and memes about the giving of f***s, such as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** and 12 Historical Women Who Gave No F***s--

Spoiler alert: how many f***s did Sojourner Truth give? Zero. She gave zero f***s--

My Hero.

These have inspired me. Mostly, they've made me laugh. Maybe because otherwise, I would be crying.

Because yes, I too have been told I give zero f***s. Here are some things that have been said to me:

"You don't give a s*** about anything that doesn't have to do with you."

I can't help interpreting this is as, "You don't give a **** about ingratiating yourself with me." Which would be true.

"You only do exactly what you want to do."
.
..And your point is?

"You obviously don't care about the material."

Really? Is that why I'm taking on thousands of dollars in debt for a degree in English literature?

"You don't care about my opinion."

I did something other than what you suggested. Last I checked, it was an opinion, not a mandate.

"You decided pretty early on that you didn't want to do this thing, so you learned how to do this other thing instead."

I'm choosing to see this as a compliment.

"You don't give a s*** about my intentions."

You're right. "I didn't mean it" ceases to be a good excuse when you repeatedly hurt someone. If I have to choose between me and your good intentions, I choose me. 

Believe it or not, this blog post is not meant to be a defensive "F--- you" to anyone who has ever criticized me.

What I mean to accomplish, and whether I accomplish this or not remains to be seen, is a thoughtful exploration of how INTPs can fail to meet the expectations of others to, essentially, give a f*** or have the appearance of giving a f***.

Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but I have trouble giving a f*** about anything I do not give a f*** about, or worse, pretending to. I'm not a people-pleaser. I occasionally offend other people. I'm direct. Sometimes, I'm too direct.

One of the top posts on my blog is INTP = A--hole? Seriously. People wonder this all the time. I wonder about this all the time.

I think it's partially one of the consequences of having a non-gender-conforming personality--as an INTP and a woman (or if you prefer, as me), I run into the disconnect between how a woman should be or act and how I choose to be or act.

I have a certain amount of anxiety about not being a "nice" person, whatever that means.

I have this idea that arguing something passionately is not nice. Failing to put the feelings of other people first in a collaborative setting is not nice. Being myself is not nice.

It's not all angst over here, though. Sometimes I find myself laughing because, well, giving zero f***s is fun. And I like myself for it. I tell myself, "You're an a--hole!" and then I chuckle (I'm also a weirdo, apparently).

So let's talk about the downside of giving zero f***s, specifically about the accusation, "You don't care."

"You don't care," is at core emotionally manipulative--it is not an actual statement, but rather a plea for recognition or a stab at reaction.

"You don't care," is also emotionally coercive: "You should care. Shame on you for not caring. If you were a good person, a good Christian, a good girlfriend, a good employee, you would give a f*** about what I want you to give a f*** about."

And so this phrase can launch you into a flurry of wounded justification and protestation: "I do care. I DO CARE about literary theory, dammit! What do I have to do to prove it to you?" It puts the onus on you to prove that you give a f***.

When you react the way they want you to react, all the power is squarely in their court.

There's a button labelled PUSH ME TO GET A REACTION. And that other person pushes it.

"You don't care," is a diversion. Suddenly, all the focus is on you as you desperately try to defend yourself, to "prove" that you are a good, caring person, not the terrible daughter, sister, wife, friend they must think you are.

My dad used to regularly accuse me of being "selfish" and "ungrateful" when I didn't do what he wanted to me to do--and it would always send me into emotional tumult--

Because the shame was already there. All he had to do was pick at it.

Now I can see that this was not only a form of manipulation and coercion (to get me to do what he wanted) but also a diversionary tactic. If you yell and wave your arms about enough, you'll eventually get the cathartic emotional response you want--from the other person--she will cry or protest or engage with your harsh accusations. And you will feel better. Even better, you will be safe from accusation yourself.

In the cruel way that these things tend to work themselves out, I've grown up to be an extremely reserved and non-reactive person.

And that brings me to another thing that people have said to me:

"You don't react."

And it is precisely this lack of surface reaction that I feel has intrigued and infuriated the people around me and made me a target for control and abuse.

The non-reaction I built up in response to my father's anger triggers other men (they always seem to be men) who desperately, and for their own reasons, want to get a reaction from me.

So, there's the downside of giving zero f***s. At least for me.

That being said, as I mentioned earlier, I do genuinely like some of these things about myself.

I like not caring what other people think. I enjoy not conforming to gender stereotypes. I like saying exactly what I want to say. I like the freedom to be myself and pursue my own interests. I like how singleminded and focused I can be when I truly care about something.

I even appreciate some of my emotional restraint, because I feel like it gives me the upper hand in certain situations, and also because it makes space for other people and their emotions.

In conclusion, giving zero f***s is awesome. Emotional manipulation, on the other hand--that really sucks.

Coming up next in Part 2: How to get an INTP you know to give more f***s.

See also, Part 3: How to give more f***s as an INTP.