"Profiles" in Abuse: The Gaping Sinkhole

Eric Heather Haddox

In my previous post, I wrote about how abusive situations make you feel like leaving isn't an option. This post is about forms of group denial.

Another blogger came up with the idea of the missing stair. Basically, the missing stair is a problem or person [problem person] in a community that everyone simply steps over.

Do they replace the stair? No. Do they warn other people about the stair? Sure. Does that mean everyone, especially those new to the community know about the missing stair, so that they can do their best to avoid it? Probably not.

In the context of the post, the missing stair is a rapist within the BDSM community. What's staggering is that, although the writer didn't name names or give any identifying information, everyone knew exactly who the post was in reference to.

They knew. They knew they had a rapist in their midst, as in "Oh yeah, that's Charles, the rapist that also happens to be part of my social circle. He's not so bad once you get to know him."

The post over at Pervocracy is worth reading in full and then reading again and sharing with all your friends. Special points for using the phrase "Rape Babysitter."

The story of Profiles and Darrell W. Cox reminds me of this concept—because people knew about the abuse. They knew that there was something off. His fellow actors / employees (?) formed unofficial support groups around this guy. His co-director enabled him every step of the way. Women warned other women to stay away, keep their distance.

We need a new metaphor here, for a person who abuses those under his power with relative impunity, enabled by the system(s) in place around him. Darrell W. Cox was not a missing stair. He was a gaping sinkhole.

For years and years, important things would go missing. They would get too close to the edge of the sinkhole and be swallowed up whole. Dairy cows. A few really nice couches from IKEA, the kind you proudly buy when you get your first apartment. Once, an entire bus full of Swedish tourists got sucked in and was never heard from again.

For nearly three decades, those who lived by the sinkhole whispered stories about it, of what might happen to you if you got too close. Roughly once a year, someone would put up a sign warning passers-by. But the sinkhole would quickly swallow that up too.

When someone would make the bold suggestion that perhaps something might be done about the sinkhole, people would point out that the sinkhole was an extremely gifted communicator. Many spoke of the unique gifting that the sinkhole had to preach and spread the gospel. Yes, there was the matter of the cows and those unfortunate Swedish tourists, but sometimes, sacrifices must be made.

I once worked for a CEO who went through assistants like some people go through jars of Nutella. I think everyone (including the higher-ups) knew that he could be a difficult person to work for (how could they not?), but I have no idea if they knew the extent of it.

He was extremely intelligent and charismatic. Of course he was. Sinkholes always are.

Even now, I wonder how he could've happened. How and why was he allowed to engage in abusive behavior in a professional environment? Was everyone blind to it? Did they just not care? Am I crazy for thinking "This is crazy"?

At a certain point in most abusive contexts, you learn to accept the unacceptable. Gradually, you become tolerant of behavior that in any other context would strike you as absurd, even nonsensical.

Maybe no one bothered to warn you. Maybe everyone around you is acting like this is normal. Maybe there's a giant, gaping sinkhole beneath your feet and, "No big deal. Just walk a mile or two to avoid it and you should be fine."

How to Manage an INTP

The title of this post is ironic, of course—you can't actually "manage" an INTP. If you do, he/she will simply give you a strange look conveying either, "The f***?" or "Come again, I couldn't hear you over the deafening roar of my teeming brain"

I jest. But only a little bit. 

When I contemplate dealing with authority as an INTP, it makes me want to laugh, cry and give up. When my bosses contemplate having to deal with me, It's probably much a similar response, though I'm sure some of them would go straight to strangling me to death with the nearest USB cable, zero tolerance policies be damned.

But it doesn't have to be this way! Things can be different! I believe! I hope! With all the irrationality of that first hit of caffeine at 9:37AM on a Monday, I hope and believe that we can do better than both homicidal rage and crushing indifference. 

I hope.

My theory is that with just a little bit of strategy, you can get way more value out of the INTP than whatever salary/rate you happen to be paying them, simply by capitalizing on the INTP's innate strengths and pre-existing inclinations. 

So let's just get this out of the way at the very beginning: The INTP does not respect you. 

Sorry to break it to you, but just because you are the boss, just because you are in charge, just because you hired her, just because you are signing his paycheck—means nothing. 

To her, the hierarchical structure of boss/subordinate is primarily a formality. An irritating one, a necessary one, perhaps, but mostly, just a formality. 

However, the innate disregard for authority demonstrated by the INTP must be carefully distinguished from an active, purposeful rebellion against anything perceived as a power structure.

The INTP is usually not out to actively subvert power qua power—too much work, and she has more important things to do than overthrow Capitalism. In other words, it is unlikely that she will leap to her feet at the next client meeting, yell, "F*** you and your commodity fetishism!", break something, and then storm out.

Also important to note: respect is not the same thing as following/taking direction. The INTP is perfectly capable of doing this. 

Which leads us to the first principle of managing the INTP: 

#1. Do not expect or demand performative deference.

It is possible to demand respect for no other reason than "I'm the boss." But all you can truly demand of a subordinate is the outward expression of respect. Not the reality. You simply don't have that kind of power. And do you really want to force someone else to respect you? 

Don't answer that.

The INTP does not respect you because she respects something else more—the work. 

The best way to earn the respect of an INTP? Be good at your job. Have integrity. Respect others. You know, all the normal things.

If you are hung up on a lack of "Respect," then you won't be able to appreciate the value that an INTP can offer. Which leads to the next principle:

#2. Catch them at the beginning. 

At the beginning of a job or work assignment, INTPs tend to be at their most motivated (this is probably true for most people).

In all likelihood, the INTP will bring the full force of her creativity and drive to the beginning of a new job. Take advantage of this.

Do you have a system in place that is broken, inefficient, or outdated? Set the INTP loose on its ass. It won't even know what hit it.

If there's anything that absolutely drives an INTP up the wall, it's an inefficient system for getting things done.

#3. Give them a challenging assignment and then (mostly) leave them alone.

Even better if no one else has been able to solve the problem or accomplish the task.

It is not necessary to check in with the INTP to see how things are going. In all likelihood, they will be checking in with you to vent about how frustrated they are. This is normal. Let them vent. Listen patiently, tell them you believe in them, and let them get back to work.

#4. Allow them to pursue their own passion and interests (within reason).

The INTP on a mission is like a heat-seeking missile—passion and single-minded focus are the name of the game. You can take advantage of this by letting them pursue the things that also help you accomplish your goals. There's probably some overlap here, so let the INTP zero in on what interests them (as long as it's also in line with your vision), then try to get out of the way.

#5. Work with their limitations.

You know that single-mindedness I mentioned in the last point? This can be both a good and a bad thing—but you can't capitalize on the one without factoring in the other.

Some examples of single-mindedness as a liability:

Being blunt and direct in speech—intensity of focus can tend to exclude things like wanting to be liked or being likable.

Neglecting housekeeping tasks that though important, are not a normal part of the INTP's routine (and hence are easily forgotten in the blinding light of the ONE THING).

Overestimating the importance of whatever it is they are working on rather than taking into account the whole project or the rest of the team.

Difficulty switching quickly from one priority to another, particularly if the first priority has already received their time and investment.

These are all things to take into consideration.

#6. Don't take their frustration personally.

Frustration is passion + obstacle. So, frustration means that the INTP cares. This is important, especially if the INTP cares about the things that you care about. Rather than seeing frustration as a bad thing, it's more helpful to see it as a necessary part of the process. Frustration is the precursor to breakthrough.

#7. Redirect their complaint into a mission to make things better.

Instead of taking their frustration personally, turn it back on them and ask them, how can we make this better or solve this problem? What would you like to see happen? How can we change the system so that this doesn't happen again?

#8. Don't let them get bored.

Challenge them, or they will leave.

#9. Give them free snacks. 

'Nuff said.

#10. Use time to your advantage.

If you sense that this is a short-term arrangement (maybe there's a limited amount of growth potential), use time to your advantage by capitalizing on the INTP's strengths from the beginning and asking them to create systems that will carry on after they leave—this could be as simple as a job description or task list for the next person or as complex as re-imagining an entire design process.

Get it in writing. Get them to write a training manual, create a wiki, or make a template. Get something you can use.

I try to approach a new job in such a way that I eventually "work myself out of of a job," usually by training someone else to replace me or setting into existence systems that make processes more efficient. If that isn't in the cards, I try to leave things better than I found them, so that the next person will easily be able to pick up where I left off or at least have some kind of starting point.

I'm not claiming this is out of some innate sense of altruism—it's rooted in pride as much as anything else—I want to be able to look back and say, "This is what I accomplished. This is how things were better because of me. Behold the works of my hands."

If you can capitalize on this instinct, you can get a ton of value out of the INTP. Just don't abuse it.

Hopefully, with these tips, managing the INTP can be a win/win situation for everyone. 

The INTP in the Workplace, Part 1

I've written about INTPs and dating, and INTPs and giving zero f***s, and INTPs and being an asshole, but this time around I would like to focus on INTPs in the workplace—where we can do all these things, but hopefully not at the same time. Though now that I think about it, that would make for a pretty entertaining web series.

This first post will focus on choosing a job that maximizes your strengths while minimizing your weaknesses (*cough* people skills *cough*).

So, to start: You are an INTP and you are looking for a job. What kind of job should you look for?

Choosing a job

I roll into the office at a leisurely 11:13AM and head straight for the coffee machine—two creams, three sugars, please.

After several minutes perusing my emails, the caffeine kicks in and I am awake at last. Time to get to work.

Several hours later, I emerge from the depths of concentration like a giant squid from "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea," stopping for a quick snack and extroverted-introvert time with my favorite work buddy, Bob.

And it's back to the drawing board—literally—my entire office is a giant whiteboard. This is where the magic happens. As I scribble my brilliant ideas on the wall, I hear a tentative knock on the door.

It is my boss, Steve.

"Hey. Just wanted to check in. How's the project going?"

I can sense that Steve is awed and intimidated by my genius. Luckily, Steve knows his place within the intellectual hierarchy and never dares to question my judgment.

"It's going great. I just need some more time."

"Of course, take all the time that you need."

Work is so much more pleasant now that we got rid of deadlines. I turn back to my whiteboard wall...

In My Dreams

Where was I? Oh yes. It might be helpful to map out some of the qualities that you want in a job—under what conditions do you work best? What does the environment look like? Do you need to be able to see daylight (e.g., don't go into post-production)? Interact with people only sometimes or not at all? Have access to free snacks?

These are all things to consider.

Here are some environmental qualities on my YES and NO lists that I think other INTPs can relate to (credit to 16personalities.com for some of these ideas):

YES (+1)

Flat hierarchy
Brainstorming
Dynamic
Collaboration
Solitude
Physical space
Flexible hours
Time to think
Freedom of movement
Low maintenance coworkers
Fluid & efficient systems
Casual dress
Free snacks
Free food in general

NO (-1)

Office politics
Rigid hierarchy
Rigid schedule
Systems & processes rarely change
Bureaucracy
Customer service
Formal dress code
Micromanaging
Meetings
Multitasking
Mandatory socializing
Answering the phone
Cutthroat coworkers

I'm not saying the things on the second list are all deal-breakers—but if a majority of them are present at once, it's not likely that the INTP will last very long. Bureaucracy, formal dress code, meetings and multitasking? I give it six months, tops.

INTPs Need Structure

A word here on structure and accountability—

If you can, choose a work environment that will grant you a great deal of autonomy while not completely abandoning you to your own worst inclinations.

In my daydream, there were no deadlines, but in the real world, I need some kind of structure in order to get things done. So, for me:

Good:

Not being tied to my desk. Being free to walk around, take a break as needed, or even run out for some boba.

Bad:

A monthly conference call as my only accountability.

I'm sure there are INTPs out there who make wonderful entrepreneurs and who adore the independence and freedom of being self-employed.

Me? I cannot work from home. You know what happens when I work from home? Netflix. Netflix happens when I work from home, or Hulu if there's a new episode of "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend."

Are INTPs lazy?

INTPs have a reputation for laziness, which is ironic, because when we find something that we actually give a f*** about, there is no power in the 'verse that can stop us.

An INTP who is passionate about something is a force to be reckoned with. Conversely, I've found that it is extremely difficult if not impossible to give a f*** about something that I don't give a f*** about—not tradition, not custom, not culture, not religion, not this-is-the-way-we-do-things-around-here, not even my own self-interest can save me.

That being said, can a specific type of work environment nurture and inspire passion within the INTP? Yes. Definitely. INTPs are not limited to any specific industry or field—they can flourish in the arts or the sciences, engineering or interior design. I believe it's the nature of the workplace that matters.

It's less the "what," more the who, where, and why—in my opinion.

Brainstorming the ideal job

So, I would say, choose your work environment with care, young INTP. And you will succeed.

Next, we'll talk about the INTP and workplace conflict. It could be a long post. Stay tuned.

How to Manage an INTP