Like a Kick in the Ass

Welcome! Do you need need some slightly violent motivation? You've come to the right place! Tis the season for a kick in the butt.

Is there a novel you've always wanted to write? An exercise regimen you've been meaning to start? A guy or girl you've had your eye on for a few weeks (years) now?

There are only three rules here: 

No shame
No blame
No excuses

In my opinion, a kick in the ass has nothing to do with exposing your character flaws or blaming you for not meeting your goals. Besides, shame is a terrible motivator! No, this is about giving you the right push in the right direction so you can take action. You can do it!

As for "no excuses," there will be no, "The economy is terrible right now" or "You're right, there really are no Ryan Gosling lookalikes out there who can change a tire, read Dostoyevsky and make a mean peanut butter chocolate cheesecake (at the same time)." 

In sum, the time for sympathy has passed. The time for ass-kicking has arrived. 

You hate your job:

No! Stop updating your LinkedIn profile!! Go out there and actually APPLY for a JOB. It doesn't have to be your dream job. It just has to be a job. Better yet, contact someone you know and ask them if they've heard of any openings (More effective than applying to some random job on craigslist and an excuse to reach out to an old friend. It's a win/win).

You're getting paid less than you deserve:

Ask for a raise. Write out, point by point, why you deserve a raise--not why you need a raise (to pay for that Sock Panda subscription), but why you are such a stellar employee and how you've contributed to the health and well-being of your company.

You want to start eating healthier: 

Put down that donut! Kidding. I love donuts. I've got nothing for you. Sorry. You're on your own with this one. 

You like someone but haven't asked them out: 

Ask them out. What do you have to lose other than your dignity, your self-respect, and every last shred of fear that's holding you back? That's right. Show that fear who's boss. 

You're in an abusive relationship...with facebook: 

You deserve better. Anything or anyone that demands that much of your time but gives so little back deserves to be cut out of your life. Or at least limited. 

You haven't signed up for health insurance yet: 

DAMMIT! SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

You call yourself a filmmaker but haven't actually made a film at any point in the recent past: 

*crickets*

None of these apply to you? 

Here's a trick. Think of someone you know who really needs a kick in the ass. Write out what you would say to them if you were really being honest. Now read it back and apply it to yourself. [It's called projection. I know this because I'm in therapy.]

Or, think of yourself 1, 2, 5 years ago. Think about what you needed to hear at the time. Write it down. Apply it to your current situation. 

Or, even better, write a letter to yourself from the future (no shame, no blame, no excuses). Send it. 

You're welcome. 

"But I don't have any power" or Why "privilege" is a dirty word

The more I'm not supposed to talk about something, the more I want to talk about it, so:

Privilege. Privilege. Privilege. PRIVILEGE!!!

The other day, some guy called my friend a "slut."

Now, it was all in good fun. [Not in good taste, perhaps, but certainly in good fun.]

Not to get into the semantics of it all, but my friend is not a "slut."

Guess what. He was using the term ironically.

I know. I KNOW. So freaking clever. I cannot even.

So--back to my story:

He called her a slut. [As is his God-given right.]

She objected to the term. [As is her God-given right. Assuming God grants rights for these sorts of things.]

"It was a joke."

[There's nothing worse than a girl who won't take a joke--especially if it concerns her sexual honor.]

As jokes go, I guess it was passable if a bit too easy [ha ha].

But besides being politically incorrect, what's wrong with playfully calling someone a slut?

Power.

That's right. You are implying that you (a man) have the power to make a value judgement (slut) about me (a woman) based on [the number of people I've slept with, the clothes I'm wearing, the way I carry myself, how I choose to interact with you, etc.]

Playful? Yes. Affectionate? Perhaps. Power play? Absolutely.

"But I don't have any power."

To determine if you have any power, ask yourself:

If the tables were turned and a woman called me a slut (in jest), would the word carry the same negative connotations [mean the same thing]?

The icky, uncomfortable truth:

Women, historically, have been shamed for their sexuality in ways that men never have. Words like "slut" have been used and are used to shame and control women and their sexuality.

[Notice that this is not about what you actually believe. Maybe you think women should never be shamed for their sexuality, or maybe this is all part of your plan to subtly shame even women who fit within your narrow definitions of "not a slut," in which case, bravo.]

I realize this is not your fault.

But realize that you have the power in this situation.

It's not fair. It's not right. It's not your fault. I get it.  You're poor and have no health insurance. You take the bus everyday because you don't have a car. You're uncomfortable with the idea of power. You voted for the other guy. You've worked hard for every break you ever got. You have a lot of black friends. You don't go through your day thinking, "I wonder what's on Netflix, AND OH BY THE WAY, who can I oppress next?"

It's uncomfortable. It's unfortunate. It's unfair.

But I'm not sorry for pointing it out. I'm not sorry at all.



More on privilege:

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

The Male Privilege Checklist

INTP = Asshole?

This is not a new topic, but I thought I'd tackle it, settling once-and-for-all the debate: Does INTP = Asshole?

YES

Yes, INTPs can be assholes. Now, calm down--this is not as bad as it sounds.

Let's pretend for a moment that INTPs have a significant blind spot when it comes to social interactions. There's a gap between how the INTP sees herself and the reality of how she comes off to others. Illustration below:

I                                                                                                                  REALITY
N             
T
P

I would get so much done if I didn't have to eat, shower or interact with other human beings.

[I find this illustration hilarious for some reason.]

So, the INTP might view himself as honest, straightforward and direct ("I like to get straight to the point, no beating around the bush").

Other people find him blunt, abrasive, cold, aloof and insensitive.

You might think of it as lacking a certain kind of social filter, i.e. there are some things that are okay to think but not okay to say out loud. In front of people.

[Welcome to my world.]

There's a corollary to this: the INTP is usually so hyper-focused on one particular thing that nothing else seems to matter.

It's not that the INTP doesn't care about your feelings. But she is staring so intently at the mark on the wall that everything else has fallen away, including, sadly any sense of tact or human decency.

In the INTP's defense, the insensitivity is not intentionally malicious or meant to cause harm, but of course at this point the intention of the remark is less important than the content.

[I'm sorry.]

On the other hand, if you question the competence of an INTP, he may very well react negatively and lash out in anger.

It's that combination of being seemingly insensitive to the feelings of others while also highly sensitive to certain kinds of slights that paints the INTP as kind of a jerk, and a hypocritical one at that.

[Ending on somewhat of a dark note here.]

NO

If INTP's were truly assholes, blog posts like this would not exist, because being an asshole implies a sense of entitlement (often blind):

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

(Aaron James, Assholes: A Theory)

If you were really an asshole, you wouldn't devote 753 words to determining your status. You'd be out letting your dog take a crap on someone else's lawn, not a care in the world.

[Those dirtbags.]

MAYBE

No discussion of INTPs and assholery would be complete without discussing arrogance.

[Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement just a little too vigorously.]

Remember the illustration above? Chances are what other people consider arrogance, the INTP simply considers "being right 99% of the time" or "almost always being the smartest person in the room." I exaggerate, but statements that appear overweening to others generally strike the INTP as just the facts, ma'am.

In their own way, INTPs are truth-tellers. And this can get them into trouble.

APPLICATION

So, you're an INTP and someone thinks you're an asshole. Or just plain doesn't like you.

Think about it, did you:

A. Say something that could have been taken the wrong way?
B. Lash out because you felt personally attacked?
C. Have no idea why they don't like you?

If it's one of the first two, apologizing might go a long way. But if it's the third--

At a certain point, I think it's healthy and mature to not take it personally if someone hates your guts.

I've had instances where someone wasn't quite won over by my winning personality (surprising, I know), and as best as I could tell, their own feelings of insecurity were the primary reason--not something I did or something I said (though it's possible something I did or something I said sparked those feelings).

The best I can do in these situations is confront the person and ask if I've done anything to offend them, and if so, apologize. 

But ultimately, how someone feels about me is not up to me. I can call someone out on their passive-aggressive behavior, initiate the "Are we okay?" talk, and say I'm sorry--but that's about the extent of it. 

If I could give any advice to any fellow INTPs out there, I would say:

Embrace humility in your interpersonal relationships, BUT run far, far away from shame or anything else trying to convince you that you're defective (you're not).

In conclusion, INTPs can be arrogant, insensitive and abrasive.

But are they assholes?

Naw.

More on INTPs:

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3
Everyone Wants to Date an INTP
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
The INTP in the Workplace, Part 1

Why is Church Cliquey? Part 2

At the beginning of the year I wrote a post called Why is Church Cliquey?

This is a topic close to my heart. Maybe it's because I've felt like an outsider my whole life, but to me the message of belonging offered by Jesus is too good to be true, too difficult to pass up, and too compelling to ignore. I believe in a God who says,

"You belong to me."

And throughout my life, I've had powerful experiences of love, belonging and acceptance. I've also felt alone, ignored, rejected and depressed.

I've been coming to terms with never feeling fully accepted anywhere or anytime. That being a foreigner runs deep, deep.

So when people responded to "Why is Church Cliquey?" with "No, duh. Church is cliquey because people are cliquey. Deal with it"--

I could feel the anger rising.

For me (and others) there's the strong sense that this is not the way things should be. And this blog post is me saying that this is not the way things should be:

If I'm rejected everywhere else, I should be accepted at church.

If I'm bullied at school, I should be safe in my youth group.

If I feel alienated, lonely, excluded or isolated, I should find radical acceptance in the embrace of my brother, my sister.

If I feel singled out because of my race, gender, culture, nationality, family background or sexual orientation, I should feel like a whole person in the presence of God and his people.

I'm inspired by the insights of one of my friends, whose response I've excerpted below (with permission):

"The problem with church is that one of the major tenets of Christianity is that you are supposed to belong to the group. We're the Body of Christ, therefore we are bound together in some way. It is your 'family.'

"If co-workers reject me, so what, they're the 'world.' If non-Christians reject me, good, it means I am different. If Christians reject me, if I find that I don't belong to that group...where do I go?? I've set my back to the world, picked up my cross to follow Jesus, and am trying to join the others who've done that.

"So when I am in that church lobby with the hundred or so people I know and no one speaks to me or catches my eye or returns my desperate waves as I say goodbye to the air, I care about that rejection in a way that I don't care about when I'm getting coffee in the lunch room and two co-workers are ignoring me, or when the guys at Starbucks aren't saying hello. My faith is on the line. Part of the faith is that I belong. If I don't belong I'm not a real Christian.

"Another tenet of fitting in is wanting to look good. I think that is a big part of the Church--they want to attract people to it, so they showcase the edgy, relevant side of things. They don't want to be 'your mother's church' or even 'your mid-western church.' So the cool kids get center stage--they are the ones in the band, on the stage.

"But most people drawn to Jesus aren't all that together: we're the nerdy ones, the socially awkward ones, the ones that don't fit in with the world and have a hard time adjusting. We're the uncool, and we don't fit in at work, with our families, with the world at large. If we can't fit in at church, we're sunk."

That's the thing about Christianity--it's meant to be radically inclusive.

In Christ there is no Other--neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, popular nor nerdy, cool nor uncool, eastside nor westside, Bruins nor Trojans.

So what can we do if church feels cliquey?

In a city like LA, the most visible Other is the homeless man or woman. [Homeless people often make token appearances in screenplays, short stories, short films, etc. as either wise-beyond-their-social-status, comic relief, or tragic heroes. See also, the Magical Vagrant.] I believe churches (mine included) go out their way to love and care for the most vulnerable population in their midst, which is awesome.

But I think it's possible to look deeper.

First, we can admit that we as Christians seem to value exactly what the world values: good looks, fashion sense, youth, a "promising career," talent, fame, money, good production values, etc.

We can acknowledge that inequality exists in the world. We can acknowledge that racism exists (yes, still). We can acknowledge that sexism exists. We can acknowledge that homophobia exists. We can acknowledge that, yes, sometimes people are discriminated against because of systemic injustice and not because of anything they did wrong.

We can acknowledge that some people struggle with belonging more than others. We can acknowledge that race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. can influence the extent to which a person is accepted (or feels accepted).

We can stop pretending that when a person walks into a church the way that they look has nothing to do with how they are treated.

Sometimes (speaking as an outsider here), I just want acknowledgment of the reality that though we may all be equal in the eyes of God, we are not all equal in the eyes of that hiring manager, that apartment supervisor, that closed group of friends.

Second, we can ask questions:

Should I be uncomfortable if the church I go to is full of people who look exactly like me?

What do I do when I look around my small group and realize we're all educated 20-somethings with very similar entertainment career aspirations and theological viewpoints?

Who is the "Other" in my life? Who do I avoid?

Third, we can listen.

People feel like they don't belong for a variety of reasons. These reasons can be internal, external, personality-related, rooted in past experiences, etc.

Listen to those on the outside or those who feel like they're on the outside. Don't dismiss their thoughts or feelings about being excluded. Don't tell them that how they feel is wrong. That's not listening.

Don't say, "Maybe you should try harder to make friends." Don't chalk it up to, "Well, that's just the way it is." Don't give advice like, "You shouldn't care so much about what other people think. At least God accepts you." That's not listening.

Just listen. Maybe they have valid concerns about how the church is too white, too hipster, too middle-class. Maybe they have something to say about decades of oppression they feel the church has perpetuated or participated in.

Don't get defensive. That's not listening.

To recap:

Acknowledge.
Ask Questions.
Listen.

Remember what it felt like to be rejected and excluded back in fourth grade. We've all been there. We are all the Other. Who hasn't felt lonely, disconnected, alienated or alone? It's a universal human experience.

I think sometimes it makes us uncomfortable to hear people say that they feel like they don't belong. It's just not done. It's as if we're trying desperately to ward off those traumatic memories from middle school, as if "not belonging" were a contagious disease best quarantined as quickly as possible with denial and Jesus bandaids.

But what if it's okay.

If God is not intimidated by the depth of our need to belong, maybe we can acknowledge, ask, and listen. And offer just a small taste of the belonging and acceptance that is already ours.

Because we belong to God.


Next: Why is church cliquey? Part 3

Femininity & The Blank Slate or Why I'm Not Flattered When a Stranger Tells Me I'm Pretty

This has bothered me for a while. 

Every time (yes, generalizing) a girl/woman tells a story about unwanted male attention (catcalling, harassment on the street, being asked out by a stranger, having her personal space invaded,  getting a sexually explicit fb message), someone chimes in with the equivalent of: 

"Jeez, he was just trying to pay you a compliment / be friendly / make a personal connection / ask you on a date." 

In every other situation I encounter in life, I'm supposed to be an adult, which means I have thoughts, I have values, I have past experiences, I have a modicum of practical sense, etc. 

But in this one specific scenario, I'm supposed to be a complete blank, approaching every fresh encounter with a new man as if I had just stepped off planet xx and this was the first time someone had ever told me to "Smile, Beautiful!"

And instead of thanking him or smiling sweetly, I flip him off.

And when I tell the story, someone I know (male) defends that guy on the street (or on the social network). 

"Why can't you give him the benefit of the doubt?" 

So...it's okay for him to objectify me and reduce me to an adjective [My name isn't "Beautiful," you asshat. Oh wait, it is. Nevermind.]

But I must ascribe to him thoughts, feelings, a deep and meaningful history of respect for all women, and, especially, that "he's not like all other guys."

He gets to be an individual with a unique background, history and cultural context, and how dare I treat him as anything less than a unique and special human being. I get to be "a pretty little thing."

"You're being so judgmental."

I mean, right. Maybe he's a really nice guy. Maybe he wouldn't hurt a flying cockroach if it landed in his beef bourguignon. Maybe he loves children, candy necklaces and riding escalators at the mall.

Well, welcome to my world, where making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences and not making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences can mean the difference between life and lying dead in ditch somewhere, to put it subtly.

Have you not watched a single episode of Law & Order: SVU? Evolutionarily-speaking, it's better to assume the worst.

This is what doesn't make sense to me. It's okay for me to follow my instincts EXCEPT when I don't respond favorably to a man's romantic overtures, or at least act a little bit flattered that, gee whiz, someone thinks I'm pretty!

"You should be flattered that someone finds you attractive."

The opinion of a total stranger > My safety, sanity and desire to appear in a public place without being harassed.

There's also the not-so-subtle threat: 

Someday you won't be attractive anymore and no one will think you're pretty or make obscene gestures at you from the safety of their motor vehicles AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE, HUH?? AT LEAST SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, CAN'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE!!!

Yet another reminder that my primary value as a woman lies in how attractive I am to the opposite sex.

And how to explain the anger some men seem to feel when a woman resists objectification or even--how dare she--complains about it.

I mean, a woman who finds her value within herself without any reference to outside male validation--

How unappealing.

Why You're Not Angry Enough

Because he's a really nice guy. One of the nicest you've ever met.

Because if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.

Because you don't want him to think you're crazy, emotional, irrational, PMSing, or all of the above.

Because maybe this is God's will.

Because you don't want to scare the boys away.

Because what's done is done. You can't change the past.

Because if you're angry, you might start crying.

Because if you're angry, you might be told to "calm down," "don't over-think it" (too late), "you need to lighten up."

Because what happened to me wasn't all that bad.

Because God doesn't like it when you're angry.

Because if you're not nice, then you're a bitch, and you don't want to be a bitch.

Because women are allowed to be angry, but not too angry. [See, "And you'll scare the boys away," above.]

Because your parents did the best that they could.

Because anger feels like a destructive emotion, and you don't want to destroy anything (except patriarchy, of course).

Because you want to protect him.

Because you want to protect her.

Because maybe I led him on.

Because maybe I deserved it.

Because maybe it was my fault.

Because you don't want to "hold onto unforgiveness" or "allow bitterness to take root."

Because why can't you let go already and stop blaming other people for your problems?

Because anger hurts.

Because we don't talk about that in this house.

Because no one will ever love you if you're angry.

Facebook & The Outrage Machine

I can't BELIEVE something like this would happen in AMERICA!!!!

WHERE HAVE ALL THE REAL MEN GONE!!???

Proof that all politicians are SLIME and a giant BOIL on the face of humanity!!

Sound familiar? 

Welcome to the outrage machine. The only rule of the outrage machine: Be angry. Very, very angry.

And there's a lot to be angry about, in this world. Just look at the news: rape, murder, genocide, natural disaster, child neglect and abuse, and on and on. Too many terrible things, too few Twitter characters to contain them all.

Outrage is often the best response--or if not the best, then the most instinctive.

That being said, I'm taking a step back and looking at outrage from several different angles.

Outrage as drug

The dirty little secret about outrage is that it feels good. It feels right. It feels righteous.

Surely righteous anger has been the catalyst for many courageous and revolutionary movements throughout history.

Anger can rouse us from depression, from angst, from feeling like a victim, from passivity, from fear.

But what if it becomes a drug? What if outrage forges familiar neural pathways that we revisit over and over and over again?

Outrage as manipulation

A lot of the outrage on facebook (or other forms of social media) is manipulative, flat out. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but it does make it too easy--

Too easy to go to that place of outrage, to the chest-heaving, eye-dilating, fist-clenching, teeth-gritting, heart-racing automatic and autonomic response.

Some of us have that one facebook friend who functions as our own personal outrage machine. I used to have one of those. Then I blocked their feed. It was that simple. I had so much free time on my hands I took up knitting AND making pie crust from scratch. I was a much more peaceful person (not really).

It seems easy to acknowledge that certain status updates, links, articles, blog posts, etc. are specifically designed to elicit outrage. They manipulate our emotions to get a certain kind of response.

Outrage as money

It's weird to think of outrage as dollars and cents, but that's exactly what it is in click-baity journalism. Just think about it. Someone is manipulating one of your most powerful emotions to make money. [Oh wait, that's all advertising.] And again, this doesn't make outrage right or wrong. I would, however, question the motives of those peddling outrage for profit.

Outrage as narrative

Here's where it gets interesting (for me).

I'm worried that as outrage becomes a default response, we will begin to tune out the things that don't push our own personal outrage buttons. If it doesn't match our own particular "narrative of outrage," it doesn't register.

I'm concerned that many outrage narratives foster an "Us v. Them" mentality, not necessarily an "Us v. Rapists" mentality (Note: Rape = Bad) but an "Us v. Small Town Football" or "Us v. Republicans" or "Us v. The Idiots Who Voted for Obama."

There simply isn't enough outrage to go around. Even I, a feminist, have a limited supply (And I eat outrage for breakfast, like cheerios).

And the not-so-shocking truth about racism, or sexism, or homophobia, or many other social evils is that in real life, they're depressingly banal and hardly outrageous enough to earn a stint on Jerry Springer, let alone 45,634 shares on facebook.

"And now for a very controversial after school special wherein Connie's coworker rolls his eyes condescendingly when she offers to help him create a PDF in Microsoft Word."

Oh the humanity.

I'm more interested in the ordinary, the blase, the familiar and unquestioned. I want to interrogate the logic of sexism, of racism, of all kinds of violence and prejudice. 

I think there are "good" people who believe some pretty messed up things. I think there are good people who participate in and perpetuate a culture that I don't believe in, a culture that (honestly), I hate. To state it more blatantly, there are people that I like, people that I love or would have loved had I known them, who participate(d) in and perpetuate(d) a culture that I hate. 

And the "Us v. Them" binary starts to crumble.

So, to recap, the downsides of outrage:

• Outrage puts you in "fight or flight." [Which can be useful if you need to fight!]
• Repeatedly posting outrage click-bait might cause people to start tuning you out (or blocking your fb feed).
• Outrage creates "buttons," not stories. 
• Outrage is where nuance and subtlety go to die. 
• Outrage is exhausting

Humor as an alternative to outrage

I'm not saying that the opposite of outrage is bland amusement, or that rape jokes are always the best response to rape (although rape jokes can be one of the most subversive responses to rape culture, and no, "I'm going to rape you right now! Hahahahahaha" is not a subversive rape joke, or much of a joke, for that matter).

I'm saying that humor can accomplish what outrage cannot. It can turn things on their heads. It can offer a fresh perspective. It can tilt the world just enough that you see a piece of the sky that you've never seen before. It can feel like hope.

Which is perhaps a post for another time.

On Sincerity and Being Raised Evangelical

"Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."
-Linus, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"

I've been drawn to sincerity lately. 

"As opposed to what?" you ask.

You may not have noticed, but I'm normally drawn to sarcasm, irony and snark.

It's weird. I've been doing a lot of sincere things recently. Sincerely. 

For example, I've been going to yoga. Have you ever tried doing downward dog insincerely? It's tough. 

I've also been listening to this song a lot. 

In addition, I went to a poetry writing group. The sincerity was as thick and oozing as blue cheese that's been sitting in a 70 degree office for three days. [This is not meant as a criticism of poetry groups or of this poetry group in particular. This poetry group is awesome.]

So, in the spirit of sincerity, I need to get something off my chest: 

My childhood was crazy--freaking insane. 

Can I just admit this? Can I just say it out loud? 

I don't even know who I'm looking for permission from--my parents, God, peers. 

Maybe my childhood was crazy in a generic fundamentalist-evangelical-culture-in-the-90s kind of way, and you grew up experiencing the same kind of crazy, and we can talk about it and laugh about it over an IPA or five. 

Or maybe my childhood was crazy in a very specific, unique way, the way that all families manufacture their own specific brand of nuts. Hard to say.

As a kid, I read everything and I believed almost as much.

I read Rush Limbaugh and absorbed the term "Feminazi." I also read the Book of Genesis and cried bitterly when I came to this passage: 

"To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
-Genesis 3:16

This was not a single tear rolling down my face. This was curled up on the bunk bed I shared with my sister, clutching my Bible, I'm not sure I believe in God anymore tears. 

I was, like most 12 year-olds, very--well, sincere. 

And on some level, I believed that God hated women. I mean, just look at that curse. I'll take thorns and thistles for $1,000, Alex. 

And yet, in many ways I bought wholeheartedly into Christian culture. I out-did the most legalistic advice from Focus on the Family. I out-Phariseed the most stringent Pharisee. I believed deeply in the sincerity of my faith. And now I feel betrayed. 

I've watched my peers raised in evangelical Christian culture go to opposite extremes:

Type Y: Further entrenchment

Type Z: Complete rejection 

But I suppose there are also a substantial number of us in the middle--Christian, but not necessarily conservative. Maybe we support gay marriage or smoke pot every other Friday or don't think twice about dropping the F bomb. 

You know the type. 

Our Christianity is snarkier, more politically correct, more hip, more in touch with the inner cynic. We embrace doubt, irony, ambiguity, paradox, and "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial."

Even as I reflect on the church of my youth, I find it difficult to relate to the incredibly "relevant" church I currently attend. There are things about it that I just don't get, such as: 

• Why is the focus of evangelism still on getting people to come to church? 
• Is that what this slick, well-produced video is for? 
• Was that guy in the video the same guy I saw in that All-State commercial yesterday?

And through it all, I'm drawn to the sincerity of the gospel. 

I'm still sitting in that pumpkin patch. It's cold. I'm tired. I want to go home and sleep in my warm bed. I don't feel cool or hip or relevant. I feel exhausted and beaten down. I feel ready to give up. 

Maybe then, the Great Pumpkin will come. 

How to be Self-Employed in LA Without Losing Your Pants

As Kermit the Freelancer once said, "It ain't easy covering 100% of your own payroll tax."

How do you know if you're self-employed? 

You filled out a W-9 instead of a W-2. 

You receive a 1099 at the end of the year. 

You have heard rumors of such things as "sick days" and "paid holidays," but if they were to happen to you personally, you might question the validity of the pythagorean theorem.   

In short, it's easy to lose your pants in this town--especially when you're self-employed.

Make sure your a** is covered with these helpful tips.

Get Health Insurance

I don't want to hear your excuses. "I'm healthier than the offshore banking account of a Goldman Sachs executive in 2006" or "I have more vim and vigor than a Virginia eel during mating season." 

I've heard them all. They all suck. 

You heard me.

Think you can't afford an extra $100 per month? How about $50,000 for an ear infection? (I made that number up. But still.)

No Seriously, Get Health Insurance

It's the law, bro. Open enrollment started October 1st. Get on it.

Open an HSA (health savings account)

As a self-employed individual you have the option to get HSA qualified health insurance (high deductible health insurance that meets certain government requirements). I know you're starting to doze off right now because this information is so fascinating, but get this--

Money you put into your HSA is tax deductible--and you can use that pre-tax money to pay for qualified medical expenses. Now you can finally get those wisdom teeth extractions you've been eyeing. It's a win-win, my friend.

Open an IRA 

A retirement account is a lot like a trusty pair of corduroys--it's extra embarrassing to be 72 and caught sans pants or nest egg. 

Maybe you don't have a lot of money to invest. That's okay. Start small, but start somewhere. 

If you open a traditional IRA, the money you put in (up to $5,500 per year) is tax deductible. You are going to need those deductions. Trust me.

Register Your "Business" with the City of Los Angeles

For the love of all that is green, fuzzy and pants-free, do this NOW. You may not have a cubicle, personal assistant or water cooler around which to discuss the Breaking Bad finale, but to the city of LA, you are still a business.  

The details are a bit hazy, but if you do not do register your business with the city, they will track you down and hit you with a nasty sounding tax bill (happened to a friend of a friend).

All you have to do is register, then report your income each year.

It's easy and free to fill out the form and apply online. Go:

https://latax.lacity.org/oofweb/eappreg/eappreg_criteria.cfm

Find an Industry Accountant

No, it won't cost less than TurboTax and the bottle of vino you use to take the edge off of doing your taxes. Yes, it will save you money in the long run. Pay for a good accountant. A good accountant is worth the $100-$250 you might spend. 

How do you find this good accountant? Get a referral. Ask your industry friends--even if you're not in the industry. I know you have that friend who's been around the Runyon Canyon block a few hundred times. They will know a good accountant, as well as the best way to get rid of a body (oil drum, hydrochloric acid, rinse, repeat).

I hope I have sufficiently bludgeoned you with useful information. Stay smart, stay safe and hold onto your pants.

*All information in this blog is not meant to take the place of consultation with an actual professional, such as an accountant, lawyer, etc. etc. Use at your own risk.

Hey Ladies -- Ask For More Than What You Want [Especially When It Comes to Money]

Hey ladies [that sounds condescending but there are no sufficient alternative word choices], ask for more than what you want. Especially when it comes to money.

I know money is this weird, awkward thing that makes you uncomfortable (or is that just me?), but learning to ask for a fair rate will help you avoid other weird, awkward conversations in the future, like the one where you're sobbing on the phone to your mom that your coworker (who does the exact same job you do) is making escargot to your beans on toast.

Scenario #1 - Sophomore year of college, I'm applying to a summer program in LA called Act One. I apply for a summer grant through my college to pay for the program. Max awarded to each student is $5,000. I do the math and ask for $3,850. Why? Because I'm stupid, that's why. Guess how much they gave me.

Scenario #2 - I'm offered a job as a production coordinator on a music video. The producer offers me a weekly rate of $400 over the phone. My response: "Cool, that sounds great." Well, actually, that was his starting offer. But instead of negotiating, I accepted the first number I heard. Guess how much I got paid.

Moral of the story: ask for more money. In fact, go ahead and ask for more than what you tell yourself you would be happy with.

In fact, you can use the handy 30% rule that I just made up. Take a second and think about what you want. Then ask for 30% more than the number that just popped into your head. 

Let's put this into practice.

Say you want a raise. You currently make $10 per hour. You feel you would be happy making $13 per hour. Ask for $17.

Say you are raising money on Kickstarter to make a short film. You estimate the budget as $5,000. Ask for $6,500.

Say you apply for a temporary gig as a dog walker and are offered a flat weekly rate of $300. Ask for $390, then let them bargain you down.

Now there's a good point--you can always accept less than what you initially ask for. However, it's difficult to roll back time and ask for more.

Reasons we don't ask for more than what we want:

1 - Avoiding disappointment

Manage your expectations. Don't let your expectations manage you. Yes, they might say no. But what are you going to do if that happens? Implode? Doubtful.

2 - Scarce resources

There's not enough to go around as it is, and you don't want to steal food off of Bob's table. But don't worry about Bob. Bob's table is Bob's table. Your table is your table and which would you rather have, slow-cooked pot roast or meat from a can?

3 - I don't deserve more

I know there's been much talk lately about millennials and something called "entitlement," but in my limited experience, women tend to sell themselves short, both in terms of ambition (give me this much money) and their own abilities (you should hire me because...).

4 - Fear of being "not nice"

Money-grubbing, demanding, difficult to work with--insert your own unsavory adjective here. There's nothing wrong with asking nicely. In fact, I recommend it. But ask. Do it.

You could even take this a step further and apply it to your personal relationships.

A guy asks you to hang out with him and his buddies, but you really want to go on a date.

"Hey [random dude's name]. I appreciate that you asked me to hang out, but I really want to hang out with someone 30% hotter than you."

Or

"Hey, I think you're great and I really want you to ask me out on a date."

Or 

"Would you like to go out sometime?"

Now go -- share this blog post on your facebook wall. 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Millenials, Entitlement, and Happiness

So, this article came out and people are linking to it and responding to it and I thought I would throw some of my thoughts out there into the mix as an early (late?) millennial who has thoughts, dammit, and wants those thoughts to be heard [I do have a blog, after all. I am Generation Y. Hear me make tentative suggestions via an impersonal platform]. 

Thirst for Adventure

I am a millennial. Sometimes, I confuse adventure with happiness. Whether it's studying abroad, backpacking through Asia, snowboarding the alps, going to Burning Man, eating an endangered species of fire ant, being homeless for a month, or hitchhiking through the Sahara desert, I want to do it all--right now. (Maybe I can raise the funds for my backpacking trip through Kickstarter? Hmm.)

There's this restlessness inside me that refuses to be quenched unless I'm saving orphans in Papua New Guinea while simultaneously inventing a new system of water filtration and launching the latest and greatest app for the iphone. 

I just feel like I'm in stasis, you know. 

I've got it! I'm going to move to LA and pursue a career in filmmaking.

Unnecessary Suffering

Okay. I have a college degree and a background best described as "middle class." I have a few resources (see also "Mommy & Daddy" below).

But, since I'm following my dreams and chasing adventure, I'm living well below the poverty line, subsisting on food stamps (but still eating organic!), sharing an apartment with at least 5 other dudes, and missing one or two student loan payments. 

I work in food service, which I hate, but hey, at least the hours are flexible so I can intern at the record label two days a week. Half the people there don't even refer to me by name (I'm "that weird intern"), but at least I'm pursuing what I love. 

I don't have a car and that sucks, but I think riding the bus is giving me some really good ideas for this screenplay I'm writing about a young person who moves to the big city and meets this homeless man who gives him tons of great advice about how life is about more than just material possessions.

Underemployed and Loving It

Heck, I have so much free time between jobs, I'm writing at least two pilots right now, which I hope to pitch at the monthly networking event I go to (free drinks!). 

I'm thinking about taking an acting class so I can become a better director. I know it's pricey, but if I up my hours at the Cheesecake Factory I should be able to afford it. 

You know who I saw at a party the other day? Ryan Gosling's younger brother, Joe. I wonder if he would be interested in my script about flesh eating slugs who turn out to be harmless, peace-loving aliens with a mission to turn the whole universe vegan.

Mommy & Daddy

I'm not proud about it, but every so often my parents put money in my bank account when I'm not looking. 

I just know that they believe in me and they believe in my dreams as much as I believe in me and my dreams. 

Thanks, Mom & Dad. 

Don't Quit Your Day Job

I work in a book warehouse packing books. Boxes upon boxes of used books arrive at the warehouse every day and are sorted into two piles: keep and throw away. 

One co-worker refers to them as "boxes of broken dreams":

Becoming a Successful, Working, 'Yes, This is What I Do to Pay My Bills' Actor.

Move Out of Your Parent's Basement: A Spiritual Guide

You Too Can Get That Impossibly Beautiful Woman Who is Way Out of Your League to Have Sex With You

Sell Your Screenplay in Five Easy Steps

Every self-help book starts sounding like it's directly judging my life choices: 

If You Have a College Degree And Are As Smart as Your Kindergarten Teacher Said You Were, Why are You Working for Minimum Wage In A Warehouse With No AC During the Summer?

And

What Are You Doing With Your Life? What Would Your College Alumni Magazine Think of You Now?

And 

You Are a Failure

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not have health insurance. Do not have a good answer when people ask, "What do you do?"

Keep or throw away. Keep or throw away.

Follow Your Dreams

I am a millennial 20 years later. No one writes articles about me anymore. Now, there is a new generation to pick on (I hope they give them a stupid name too. Like "perennials.")

My life has exceeded my expectations, but not in the ways I thought it would. 

I'm still pursuing my dreams--but those dreams have changed or morphed into something new. I know how lucky I am to have these dreams and to have the freedom to pursue them. 

I am happy.

Is it Awkward to Date Someone From Your Church? & Why You Should Hit on Women at Church ... Stay Tuned

There's a lot of angst over dating within the church (as if anyone needed a few dozen Google searches to figure that out). This post is dedicated to the trials, tribulations and titillations of church dating. All questions brought to you by a search engine near you! 

"I really like a boy that goes to my church"

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that churches are veritable hotbeds of unrequited longing. Welcome to the club, my friend.

Okay, so you like this boy. Is he single? What are you waiting for? Sit beside him at church at the next available opportunity. Careful though! You only want to sit by him. Avoid eye contact or any form of "talk." In fact, pretend he doesn't exist while taking copious notes on the sermon. 

This is a widely recognized form of Christian courtship. Anything else and you'll come across as too pushy. And if there's anything a church boy likes less than a chili cook-off before ultimate frisbee, it's a pushy woman.

"The woman in church is attracted to you where will she sit[?]"

Attracted to you = As close as Christianly possible

Not attracted to you = With her friends, several rows down.

You are Ryan Gosling = In your lap

Realize that she is making a conscious choice and that it absolutely relates to you and her level of attraction to you. These things must be read carefully and with attention to nuance, like the Book of Revelation or the entrails of a ground squirrel.

"There are no girls in my church"

That's awful. I would suggest finding a new church, posthaste. Given your church's stance on gender segregation, I would carefully review their mission, vision and core values. Compare these to the teachings of Jesus and make your decision accordingly.

If that's not possible, there's always eHarmony. I hear they have a favorable male/female ratio. [But be wary of their doctrine of the trinity]

"Is it awkward to date someone from your church[?]"

So awkward. However, judging from some of these other queries, the only thing more awkward than dating in church is not dating in church--I imagine single guys and girls completely shutting down in the presence of the desired sex.

The problem--as I see it: some single and seeking church members completely missed "Flirting & Attraction 101." They are unable to accurately gauge the interest or lack of interest displayed by another person. They are likewise unable to constructively and lightheartedly display interest in another person. 

Maybe it's because the stakes (marriage) feel too high. And if them's the stakes, why even play? 

"Why you should hit on women at church" 

Some of you guys/girls need to lay off the hitting on for a bit. Stop playing the field and be the field, so to speak. I mean, good grief, you start chatting up everything with a Bible and a smile. You're making people uncomfortable. You read "desperate." Just stop. Take a break.

Others of you...maybe you've given up altogether and you're just going to church for the "fellowship." Good for you. But if you feel like maybe someday in the future possibly if the timing's right you might I dunno potentially want to date someone who goes to your church--

Ask them out.

Workout for FREE - The Life & Times of a Cheapskate in LA

Hey look at that body, hey look at that body, hey look at that body...I workout!

Oh--Hai there!

Do you like free stuff? Me too! That's why I'm devoting this post to FREE ways to workout in Los Angeles.

Ditch the gym and join your free-lovin' friends for some sweat & endorphins & hot people in spandex (Let's be real. This is the land of aspiring actors).

Without further ado:

Monthly coupons for a FREE class (you may have to sign up for their newsletter):
Swerve Studio
Yoga Vibe
Black Dog Yoga

First class FREE:
FITMIX Studio
Liberation Yoga (love it!)
Circuit Hollywood

Ongoing FREE yoga:
Sunday mornings @ Lululemon (locations everywhere!)
Free Yoga for Runners
Runyon Canyon Yoga
Naam Yoga (Check out beach yoga @ 10:00am)
Yoga @ the Los Angeles Public Library

Ongoing FREE fitness:
Nike Training Club Santa Monica
Nike Training Club @ The Grove [No longer exists. Sad day.]
Boot Camp in Grand Park
Yoga & Zumba in Pershing Square
Athleta @ The Grove - Classes every weekend
Athleta @ Fashion Square - Classes every weekend
Racked LA Fit Club - RSVP required. Try a new workout and get free swag too.
Toms Venice Flagship - Sign up for their newsletter and find out about free yoga, rub club & surfing.

Disclaimers and such: Gas & parking are not free. Choose a workout close to you! Also, I have not been to all of these classes, so I can't vouch for their individual level of awesome.

That said--it's free! What do you have to lose? Get out there in your awkwardly tight shorts and the T-shirt you haven't worn since college and get your cheapskate butt in shape!

Your first fb message to a girl, awkward first date hugs, and how to know if an INTP likes you : Advice From The Google Trenches

These are all google searches that led to my blog. I offer advice to the hapless masses.

"First fb message to a girl"

First off, I applaud your ingenuity and forward-thinking--you are using facebook as an online dating website. Bravo, my friend. Bravo. Your pioneering spirit is an inspiration to us all.

After painstakingly selecting this praiseworthy and promising specimen of womanhood ["hot chick who might make out with me"], all that remains is to craft that perfect first missive that will win her heart [convince her to come over and "watch a movie"].

So ask yourself: What do you have in common with this person? Do you have a mutual friend? Do you both like the same kind of music? Do you use the same hair products? Does she resemble your best buddy Thor from kindergarten?

Now take that thing that you have in common and use it in a sentence. Yes, this is third grade. Go ahead. I'll wait.

"I LOVE Five Iron Frenzy. They were my favorite band in college. Have you ever been to one of their shows?"

You get the idea.

Now, you're going to do something a little daring. It's scary, but trust me. A brave, dashing gentleman such as yourself--who would be so bold, courageous even, as to message a girl on fb--can handle a little bit of risk.

Think about how you might suggest meeting up with a friend, then extend that invitation to her--even better if you can connect it to the thing that you have in common.

"I was going to sample all 31 flavors of Baskin-Robbins on Thursday. Wanna join?"

"But wait," you say, "what if she says no?"

Unlikely. She probably won't respond at all.

Newsflash: There is no magical formula for getting a girl to message you back. There is no forumla for getting a girl to go out with you or have sex with you. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.

Nevertheless, establishing rapport (mutual interests) and actually asking her out might set you apart from the other dudes out there, whose first messages read something like,

"dam u sexy"

Thanks?

"Awkward first date hug"

Wow. There are evidently a lot of awkward hugs going down on first dates. And I mean, it makes sense. First dates are usually a little bit anxiety-inducing and hugging a stranger is an implosion of awkward just waiting to happen.

Here are some tips:

1. Read his/her body language.

It's the end of the date. Is he slowly backing away from you while saying, "Thanks! I had a great time"? Is she facing you at an angle and looking toward the door? Is he not making any eye contact at all? Is she clutching her purse to her chest and running away? DO NOT HUG.

2. If you're not sure one way or the other, ask.

Take a step forward and if they don't balk or back away say, "Awkward hug?" or "Can I hug you?" This is helpful because it lets the other person know that you are not going to try to kiss them. It also lets them know that you want to hug them. Because you are a friendly person and you like hugging people, dammit.

3. Don't panic.

That agonizing pause between saying your goodbyes and the possible physical manifestation of the conclusion of your date will pass. Trust me.

4. Flee.

This one is my favorite. Simply vacate the scene, swiftly, precluding any awkward hugging that might occur. You risk alienating your date, of course. But anything is better than an awkward first date hug. Right?

"Flirt with intp"

Now this is my kind of question. INTPs can be hard to flirt with because they're not always tuned in to "I'm hitting on you" social cues. If you try to flirt with them as if they were, uh, normal, they might just give you a dirty look, as in, "What's wrong with you?"

Don't take it personally. If you want to flirt with an INTP, I would:

1. Ask them questions about what they think.

What have you been reading lately?
What topic has been of interest to you?
Do you have any thoughts on ___?

2. Notice the nuances of their arguments/statements/thoughts. Push them to elaborate.

I notice you used the word ___ about ___. What do you mean by that? What about ___? Would that also apply?

3. Listen and let them finish their thought before interjecting.

4. Offer your own ideas, building on / responding to what they said and creating a brand new work of thought origami.

That's hot!

"How to know if an intp likes you"

1. They talk to you.

[Yes, this is a big one.]

2. They want to know what you think and how you think.

3. They ask you a lot of questions.

4. They tell you all their theories.

5. They blush when they talk to you.

Oh wait. That's just me. Nevermind. Nothing to see here. What are you looking at.

Bullshit

Everyone has it. Everyone knows what it is.

The telltale sign that something coming out of someone else's mouth is complete mierda?

Your eyes start to glaze over. You resist the urge to roll them. You carefully control the corners of your mouth.

"Uh huh."

It's a lot like BO--we're so good at discerning other people's stench and so bad at recognizing our own.

You know what I want to call bullshit on?

"Everyone wants someone who will call them on their bullshit."

There's no way that can be true. Maybe on a micro-level. Like, "Hey, as far as I can tell, you're not going to Coachella for the music" or "I'm pretty sure you fake laughed at your girlfriend's joke."

No one wants to get called out on the big stuff.

"Hey bro, you continually take on projects that you have no chance of completing so that you can avoid your own persistent sense of failure."

"You constantly talk about how 'hot' you are, but at your core you feel unlovely and unloveable."

"You complain about how stressful your job is, but secretly you get off on it."

"You find it so easy to criticize other people's efforts, but you can't even attempt work of your own."

You wanna know what goes hand-in-hand with bullshit (no, not rhetorical questions)?

Self-deception.

We all do it. I'm pretty sure we even need a certain dose of it just to survive. The truth, it burns. Self-deception, it goes without saying, preempts growth. It also keeps us safe.

I know I don't want to be called out on my bullshit. It's too painful.

Unfortunately, your bullshit is not just your own. It affects the people around you. Sorry to break it to you, but your bullshit is hurting other people.

Your bullshit is hurting me. It's hurting you too. I want better for you.

And I know, it's probably rooted in deep insecurity, possibly even self-loathing, and you're not even aware that you're doing it.

[Indirect putdowns are the worst.]

And my bullshit is hurting other people. I'm sorry. And I'm working on it.

A Side Hug on the First Date, A Guy Asked Me Out at Church and it Was Awkward, and the "Good Christian Guy" Label

"Side hug first date like you or not"

Okay, fine. Hugs are meaningful. But still, it really depends on the person doing the hugging. I have friends (guy friends) who real-hug everybody. Everybody. Male. Female. Vulcan. There is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free. That's just how they roll.

I have other friends (guy friends) who will never real-hug any woman they are not related to, other than their wives.

Do I have thoughts on this? Maybe.

Maybe, if you pressed me (ha), I might start talking about the unhealthy sexualization of any and all physical contact. This happens in the church and elsewhere. [Full disclosure: I attended a discipleship program in which side-hugs were THE RULE between guys and girls].

As a side note, there's nothing quite like going in for a hug, only to have the guy draw back in terror, to make you an awkward hugger.

You're wondering whether the side hug was a "Thanks, but no thanks." Maybe. My gut says yes, but I could be wrong. Maybe this person wants to save real hugs for marriage. Who knows.

The tip-off for me is whether or not they initiated the hug. If it were me, I would rather avoid hugging altogether than go in for a side hug. All or nothing, baby.

"A man offering a side hug to a woman"

I say sidestep him. Then tackle him in a bear hug. Oh, you want to know what it means? No clue. Why don't you ask him.

"A guy asked me out church awkward"

Was he awkward or was the asking out at church awkward? Were beads of sweat rolling down his forehead? Did he preface it with, "I know you only see me as a brother in Christ, but..."? Did he storm the stage, grab the microphone from the pastor and ask you out right then and there? Did he ask you out on a date to church (now that's awkward)?

Was it cute awkward or socially awkward awkward? I dunno, I'm kind of impressed with this guy for asking you out. I say go out for coffee, then if you're not feeling it, make it a point to side hug him at the end. He'll know what's up.

"Good Christian guy" label

"Good Christian guy" is in quotation marks for a reason you have rightfully ascertained: it's basically a cop out.

It's patronizing. It's BS. It's patronizing BS.

It's tantamount to being a nice guy, as in, "He's a nice guy, but..."

Instead of calling someone a "good Christian guy," why not refer to him as "the most generous person I know," or "my best friend," or "the bomb diggity at ultimate frisbee."

So much better. 

"How to drag girls to have sex on fb"

Please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person...

That's it, folks. May you real-hug a member of the opposite sex with pure or impure motives, and may it mean as much or as little as you want it to mean. And may no one ever refer to you as a "good Christian guy." Good luck. May the hugs be ever in your favor.



More hugging advice here. 

Rape and the Art of Storytelling

So, I was watching a video at church the other day, and the subject turned to rape. Specifically, the man and woman being interviewed knew both the victim and the perpetrator before the rape happened. 

And the man in the video said, and I paraphrase: "As much as I wanted to hate him [the perpetrator], I couldn't, insofar as his life would also never be the same." 

This is about rape. And the stories we tell:

[Insert name here] had such a promising future as a [football star - leader - contributing member of society]. But then he raped someone. And now his life will never be the same. 

Or, “These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives."

See also, Steubenville.

This story has been told before. It will be told again. 

The story follows a simple before and after structure: 

Before raping someone: Promising future

After raping someone: Life never the same

Given how many different narratives we could impose on rape, why is this narrative so pervasive? 

I don't know. 

Logically, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and it tends to elide or gloss over the very crux of the story: 

[Perpetrator] raped [victim]

The before/after narrative conceals the key cause/effect relationship in the story: 

Cause: Committed rape

Effect: Life never the same

This has the odd effect of conflating raping with being raped, as in "his life would also never be the same."

"I was raped": my life will never be the same. 

"I raped someone": my life will never be the same. 

I would argue that this is a false equivalence. Raping and being raped are not the same thing. The promising-future/life-never-the-same narrative obscures, almost denies, the key difference between raping and being raped: 

Choice. Volition. Will. 

If we take that away, we are left with a rapist who rapes through no active choice of his own. Rape is something that "just happens" to young men with promising futures, like a cholera outbreak or a really bad blind date.

To return to the first story: At what point in time was the perpetrator's life never the same--was it the moment when he decided to rape someone? During? Immediately after? When he was arrested? The first time he appeared in court? 

And the boys from Steubenville, at what point in time were their lives changed forever--after texting an incriminating picture to friends? Before the party was over? Upon conviction and sentencing? 

I would argue that the timeline is false, the before/after formula invalid. 

In any way that really matters, if you rape someone--if you are the kind of person who would rape someone--your life is already f----.

Ironically (or logically), narratives about rape victims tend to give them a great deal of the very quality rapists are denied--

She chose to wear that, she was sexually active, she willfully tweeted that alluring image. 

Cause. Effect. [You can also substitute CHOICE and CONSEQUENCE]

Cause: Wearing a mini-skirt

Effect: Being raped. 

Or,

Cause: Walking alone at night in a bad part of town.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Getting drunk at a party.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Being overtly sexual. Flirting.

Effect: Being raped. 

I could go on, unfortunately.

We impose the cause/effect story on rape victims while simultaneously bewailing the before/after tragedy of rapists. 

Seems a bit backwards to me. 

Notes on Style: The Semicolon

The Short Version

NEVER USE SEMICOLONS, EVER EVER EVER--unless you want to and you know what you're doing.

The Long Version

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.”
- Kurt Vonnegut

I have a theory about semicolons. It goes like this: most people wouldn't know what a semicolon was if it walked up and slapped them in the face with a mackerel. However, the semicolon is one sexy and highly academic-looking punctuation mark, so your average college student will throw a couple in at random whenever he or she is writing a paper. You know, to be smart and stuff. 

STOP THAT. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

Rule #4547 of Grammar: If you don't know what it is or what it does, don't use it!

Semicolons are not your friend. Semicolons are more like your frenemy--your somewhat exotic, strangely hybridized frenemy (transvestite hermaphrodites anyone?), but still. Just like every other kind of punctuation, you must make semicolons work for you, and the only way to do that is to know what they mean. 

Any guesses? Bueller? Look at the semicolon. Look at it. What is it telling you?

;

That's right. Semicolons, despite their name, function nothing like colons (:). Rather, they exist somewhere on the spectrum between a comma and a period.

A semicolon represents an identity crisis of sorts. It's not a full stop, like a period, but neither is it a brief pause, like a comma.

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

-Helen Keller

Here, the semicolon is like, "Hold up, Imma let you finish, but first I need to pause in-between these two complete but related thoughts."

This is important--each unit separated by a semicolon must be a complete grammatical unit (clause).

Either half could stand entirely on its own, i.e.:

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

[If you don't know what a complete sentence is, you might want to mind your subjects and your verbs.]

Notice what happens if we use a comma and a coordinating conjunction instead of a semicolon: "Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much."

INCORRECT/BAD version:

"Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much."

So now we have the original sentence and two grammatically sound variations: 

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

"Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much." 

Notice the difference in feeling among these three sentences. Which do you like best? Discuss.

Keller's sentence demonstrates two very good reasons to use a semicolon--parallelism and juxtaposition.

"ALONE we can do so LITTLE; TOGETHER we can do so MUCH."

Alone/Together
Little/Much

The semicolon conveys the parallel relationship between the two clauses in the way that a period cannot. In addition, the contrast is starker without the use of a comma and coordinating conjunction.

Can you see now how punctuation can affect style?

The original sentence is statelier and more controlled.

And now, a response to Vonnegut and his semicolon hatred:

"Great quote, but total bullshit. The semicolon is beautiful, the epitome of a soft pause that gives cadence to an otherwise abrupt shift in ongoing thought. The semicolon is delicate and necessary and, if not overused, the most romantic of punctuation marks."

-Jen Knox

Like I said, semicolons can be sexy in a certain light. I don't care for them, but maybe you like that sort of thing. More punctuation power to you. Know what a semicolon is and how to properly use it in a sentence.

Then, go crazy. Walk around with an extra swagger in your step, 'cause, "Yo, I know how to use a semicolon properly, just call me the 'Grammar Gangsta.'"

Go ahead. You have my permission. You're welcome.