Why is Church Cliquey? Part 2

At the beginning of the year I wrote a post called Why is Church Cliquey?

This is a topic close to my heart. Maybe it's because I've felt like an outsider my whole life, but to me the message of belonging offered by Jesus is too good to be true, too difficult to pass up, and too compelling to ignore. I believe in a God who says,

"You belong to me."

And throughout my life, I've had powerful experiences of love, belonging and acceptance. I've also felt alone, ignored, rejected and depressed.

I've been coming to terms with never feeling fully accepted anywhere or anytime. That being a foreigner runs deep, deep.

So when people responded to "Why is Church Cliquey?" with "No, duh. Church is cliquey because people are cliquey. Deal with it"--

I could feel the anger rising.

For me (and others) there's the strong sense that this is not the way things should be. And this blog post is me saying that this is not the way things should be:

If I'm rejected everywhere else, I should be accepted at church.

If I'm bullied at school, I should be safe in my youth group.

If I feel alienated, lonely, excluded or isolated, I should find radical acceptance in the embrace of my brother, my sister.

If I feel singled out because of my race, gender, culture, nationality, family background or sexual orientation, I should feel like a whole person in the presence of God and his people.

I'm inspired by the insights of one of my friends, whose response I've excerpted below (with permission):

"The problem with church is that one of the major tenets of Christianity is that you are supposed to belong to the group. We're the Body of Christ, therefore we are bound together in some way. It is your 'family.'

"If co-workers reject me, so what, they're the 'world.' If non-Christians reject me, good, it means I am different. If Christians reject me, if I find that I don't belong to that group...where do I go?? I've set my back to the world, picked up my cross to follow Jesus, and am trying to join the others who've done that.

"So when I am in that church lobby with the hundred or so people I know and no one speaks to me or catches my eye or returns my desperate waves as I say goodbye to the air, I care about that rejection in a way that I don't care about when I'm getting coffee in the lunch room and two co-workers are ignoring me, or when the guys at Starbucks aren't saying hello. My faith is on the line. Part of the faith is that I belong. If I don't belong I'm not a real Christian.

"Another tenet of fitting in is wanting to look good. I think that is a big part of the Church--they want to attract people to it, so they showcase the edgy, relevant side of things. They don't want to be 'your mother's church' or even 'your mid-western church.' So the cool kids get center stage--they are the ones in the band, on the stage.

"But most people drawn to Jesus aren't all that together: we're the nerdy ones, the socially awkward ones, the ones that don't fit in with the world and have a hard time adjusting. We're the uncool, and we don't fit in at work, with our families, with the world at large. If we can't fit in at church, we're sunk."

That's the thing about Christianity--it's meant to be radically inclusive.

In Christ there is no Other--neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, popular nor nerdy, cool nor uncool, eastside nor westside, Bruins nor Trojans.

So what can we do if church feels cliquey?

In a city like LA, the most visible Other is the homeless man or woman. [Homeless people often make token appearances in screenplays, short stories, short films, etc. as either wise-beyond-their-social-status, comic relief, or tragic heroes. See also, the Magical Vagrant.] I believe churches (mine included) go out their way to love and care for the most vulnerable population in their midst, which is awesome.

But I think it's possible to look deeper.

First, we can admit that we as Christians seem to value exactly what the world values: good looks, fashion sense, youth, a "promising career," talent, fame, money, good production values, etc.

We can acknowledge that inequality exists in the world. We can acknowledge that racism exists (yes, still). We can acknowledge that sexism exists. We can acknowledge that homophobia exists. We can acknowledge that, yes, sometimes people are discriminated against because of systemic injustice and not because of anything they did wrong.

We can acknowledge that some people struggle with belonging more than others. We can acknowledge that race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. can influence the extent to which a person is accepted (or feels accepted).

We can stop pretending that when a person walks into a church the way that they look has nothing to do with how they are treated.

Sometimes (speaking as an outsider here), I just want acknowledgment of the reality that though we may all be equal in the eyes of God, we are not all equal in the eyes of that hiring manager, that apartment supervisor, that closed group of friends.

Second, we can ask questions:

Should I be uncomfortable if the church I go to is full of people who look exactly like me?

What do I do when I look around my small group and realize we're all educated 20-somethings with very similar entertainment career aspirations and theological viewpoints?

Who is the "Other" in my life? Who do I avoid?

Third, we can listen.

People feel like they don't belong for a variety of reasons. These reasons can be internal, external, personality-related, rooted in past experiences, etc.

Listen to those on the outside or those who feel like they're on the outside. Don't dismiss their thoughts or feelings about being excluded. Don't tell them that how they feel is wrong. That's not listening.

Don't say, "Maybe you should try harder to make friends." Don't chalk it up to, "Well, that's just the way it is." Don't give advice like, "You shouldn't care so much about what other people think. At least God accepts you." That's not listening.

Just listen. Maybe they have valid concerns about how the church is too white, too hipster, too middle-class. Maybe they have something to say about decades of oppression they feel the church has perpetuated or participated in.

Don't get defensive. That's not listening.

To recap:

Acknowledge.
Ask Questions.
Listen.

Remember what it felt like to be rejected and excluded back in fourth grade. We've all been there. We are all the Other. Who hasn't felt lonely, disconnected, alienated or alone? It's a universal human experience.

I think sometimes it makes us uncomfortable to hear people say that they feel like they don't belong. It's just not done. It's as if we're trying desperately to ward off those traumatic memories from middle school, as if "not belonging" were a contagious disease best quarantined as quickly as possible with denial and Jesus bandaids.

But what if it's okay.

If God is not intimidated by the depth of our need to belong, maybe we can acknowledge, ask, and listen. And offer just a small taste of the belonging and acceptance that is already ours.

Because we belong to God.


Next: Why is church cliquey? Part 3

Workout for FREE - The Life & Times of a Cheapskate in LA

Hey look at that body, hey look at that body, hey look at that body...I workout!

Oh--Hai there!

Do you like free stuff? Me too! That's why I'm devoting this post to FREE ways to workout in Los Angeles.

Ditch the gym and join your free-lovin' friends for some sweat & endorphins & hot people in spandex (Let's be real. This is the land of aspiring actors).

Without further ado:

Monthly coupons for a FREE class (you may have to sign up for their newsletter):
Swerve Studio
Yoga Vibe
Black Dog Yoga

First class FREE:
FITMIX Studio
Liberation Yoga (love it!)
Circuit Hollywood

Ongoing FREE yoga:
Sunday mornings @ Lululemon (locations everywhere!)
Free Yoga for Runners
Runyon Canyon Yoga
Naam Yoga (Check out beach yoga @ 10:00am)
Yoga @ the Los Angeles Public Library

Ongoing FREE fitness:
Nike Training Club Santa Monica
Nike Training Club @ The Grove [No longer exists. Sad day.]
Boot Camp in Grand Park
Yoga & Zumba in Pershing Square
Athleta @ The Grove - Classes every weekend
Athleta @ Fashion Square - Classes every weekend
Racked LA Fit Club - RSVP required. Try a new workout and get free swag too.
Toms Venice Flagship - Sign up for their newsletter and find out about free yoga, rub club & surfing.

Disclaimers and such: Gas & parking are not free. Choose a workout close to you! Also, I have not been to all of these classes, so I can't vouch for their individual level of awesome.

That said--it's free! What do you have to lose? Get out there in your awkwardly tight shorts and the T-shirt you haven't worn since college and get your cheapskate butt in shape!

[GUEST POST] 10 Reasons Not To Date That [Probably Non-Christian] Coworker From That One-Day Gig

[Today's guest post is from Rachel. She lives and attends church in Los Angeles and works in entertainment. This is in response to 10 Reasons You Should Think Twice Before Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church. - MT]

1) When is faith gonna come up? Is there a good way for it to come up? Do you really want to say, I think you're absolutely great. You're hot, funny, and I could talk to you for the rest of my life, but since you're not a Christian, this isn't gonna work?

I don't know what's worse, the inner battle I've fought with myself over what I wanted and knew I couldn't have, or anticipating/trying to avoid the conversation. I know some great people who have ended up at the altar without having that conversation, and it's a difficult thing later. You're always pulling apart on the thing that matters most. Let's not forget Solomon, who was the wisest man who ever lived, but foreign wives led him to worship idols. Or Samson, who had his talent taken away by someone who he let get very close, who did not believe. 

2) If you keep dating them, they are Mr./Miss Right Now rather than Mr./Miss Right. They are taking up a space that should be vacant. You don't want to miss the opportunity to meet a great Christian because you are taking up all your time seeing someone who's not right. 

3) I can hear it now: But, I know so-and-so, and they dated (and maybe married) that guy or girl, and they eventually became a Christian! Isn't that sweet? 

Look, I know those people too. But it's like dating someone and hoping they will magically grow taller, or that they will magically be more considerate, or they will magically stop being shallow, or that they will magically quit working so much to spend more time with you (or that you can argue/convince them into any of the above things, and more). What you see is usually what you get. The only guarantee of change that you have, is that this person is going to get older, and probably less attractive, and some of the things that you like about them now will probably begin to annoy you over time (Wow I'm romantic! I can't hold back! Just full of sunshine!)

4) This is probably distracting you from what you should be doing, whatever it is that God is calling you to do with your life right now. Oh, sure, it's super-fun to feel that totally smitten feeling, but it's hard to tear away from and the crash comes hard. Instead of getting myself worked up about this guy/girl, maybe I should have been [fill in the blank] (for me personally, finishing that screenplay draft). I would probably already be done by now.  

Think about all the magical and wonderful things that God has for you to do right now--okay, sometimes they are hard and require discipline and perseverance, and do not feel as magical as said coworker, but instead of dating someone after which you will have nothing to show, you could be… duh dun-nuh! finished with your next project, and soaring into your future awesomeness, becoming the person who is right for the person you are going to meet. Or, you could be helping out foster kids and homeless people. Or learning a foreign language, or… whatever floats your boat.

There's a whole section in the Screwtape Letters about how having a person who could influence you, who isn't an on-fire Christian, or who is deceptive while dating or just plain a bad match, can eventually make you less effective or on-fire for God. It's a strategy of the enemy! Don't fall for it!

6) The pain. Do not underestimate how hard it is to let a fond attachment die, just for the sake of faith. I wrote in my journal recently, "All the things I have walked away from before were not really sacrifices that God required, but this one is the real deal. I never knew what it was to take up my cross and follow Jesus, until now." I have gone on a lot of dates (please read this as coffee/dinner/outing, not make-out session), so I now know pretty much exactly what I'm looking for. I am not talking about physical appearance or even the essential chemistry, but discerning beyond. And I almost never (approaching zero) see "it." Makes it that much harder to give up. 

7) You might find someone who is more of a match for you than the Christians you currently know (except for the faith thing). Why tempt yourself?? Why put yourself in that situation? It's definitely better to widen your circle of acquaintance and get to know more Christians. Date Christians, date many, date often (once again I mean coffee/dinner/outings, not makeout sessions)--see a great article about this at Relevant magazine. Now is the time to date around, not when you are married (Sorry, I have a sick sense of humor). 

The essence of faith is, I am going to trust God, who I can't see, rather than reaching out for what I can see, that is right in front of me. I am trusting God to provide, as I actively pursue the right thing, rather than what just what is immediately available. 

There were so many fruit trees available in the garden of Eden. I wonder how long it would have taken Adam and Eve to try all the ones that *were* available to them? They obviously had not tried all the trees that they were at that time allowed to try, because they had not eaten from the tree of life… clearly, the Tree of Life was much more awesome than the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Wait for your Tree of Life! Go try all trees available until you find your Tree of Life! Why just stand around the one tree that you can't try??? It's pretty much a recipe for disaster, the story of the whole human race. 

8) If the other person doesn't share your faith, most of the time they do not share your idea of pre-marriage physical boundaries. The standards that are common in popular culture and the standards that we Christians would like to have, but do not always have, are, let's face it, pretty different. 

I have a good friend who has hung out with more non-Christian guys than I have, who she also typically meets through work, and she actually relies on the physical boundaries conversation to end the relationship, so she doesn't have to tell them, "Hey you're great, but you're not a Christian, soooo…" Her typical experience is along the lines of, an unexpected kiss turns into a conversation about the status of the relationship that turns into the guy saying, "I was kind of looking for sex, so I guess we can't date."

When I called her for advice two weeks ago, she suggested I use this strategy. But, as she recently found out, sometimes non-Christians are okay with your pre-marriage physical boundaries, so then you have to find another reason to break up, if you don't want to have the awkward conversation. 

Also, for me, there is no such thing as an unexpected kiss, because I am so aware of physical movement (shout out to all my dancers out there!). I will deflect with my body language! I always require an official conversation about interest before a kiss (words first--writer's rule! lol). You're just not gonna get an opportunity to lean in, before you speak out! Ha!

And what about your other commitments? Do you want to go to church alone for the rest of your life? I don't. Do you want your kids to come to church? I do. One of my dear friends comes to church alone, without spouse and kids. It's really sad!

But, you say, it's not that far along! It's just dating! See how you feel when your new bestie of the other gender keeps you out late Saturday night when you're the only one who is going home and getting up Sunday. See if you really make it out of bed. See if you are still hung over, because they don't have the goal of not getting drunk, and well, that's starting to slip for you, too.

I'm not judging, though. When I lived overseas, I would party with my Irish/British/South African/Canadian friends from Sunday school on Saturday nights, and there was one particular Sunday that several of us had hangovers in Sunday school. We'd all been at the same house party, and I'd ended up crashing on a couch that night. Yes, we were all Christians. Yes, it says, "Do not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Holy Spirit." Point is, no matter who you hang with the most, they will influence you. I guess we were acting like Job's first set of kids. You see what happened to them! But I digress…

9) If this person is a coworker or in your profession, you don't want to screw up your business relationship by breaking up with them because they aren't a Christian. This could both hurt you professionally and mess up your chance to share Jesus with them.

People sometimes say you shouldn't date coworkers or business associates at all, but for me, there seem to be so few Christians in LA, if they are a Christian and we also click personality-wise, and I feel attracted to them, I'm willing to jeopardize a business relationship to give it a shot. Also, I kind of want someone with the same mission in life as me, who has a heart for the same profession and the same people group. Overall the saddest people I have ever met (including third-world countries) are people in Entertainment. Who else is gonna get that?

10) Someone else's heart is involved here. You, knowing that this will end, are playing with this person's heart if you keep dating them, knowing it's gotta end. I have done this to a non-Christian friend. It is awful. I was fine--I had been 100% sure this was gonna end the whole time, and I was even kind of lying to myself about the fact that we were dating- I kept saying to myself, we're just friends, there's no "action" here--but meanwhile the other person was growing more and more attached. The other person did not even have a friendship with Jesus to support them, so they were going it alone through de facto rejection (I moved to another town for career purposes). If I had it to do over, I (hopefully) would not do it again. 

I will say, that God has used these people in my life for my good, but that doesn't mean that the relationship itself was good. It's because of who He is that it turned out for my good. In retrospect, dating someone who didn't share my faith was the wrong decision. Ultimately, it was a waste of time.

Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect

In my last post, I wrote about three unpaid, short-term jobs I worked shortly after moving to LA. And last I checked, my self-respect was still (mostly) intact, making me a clear expert on this topic. These mostly apply to trying to break into the film industry, but I suppose they could apply in other fields as well. Here are some tips:

1. Put a time limit on it.

Do: Decide in advance how long you will work without pay.
Don't: Keep working for free until your savings are gone.

"Unpaid internship" is not a euphemism for "slave labor." Or at least it shouldn't be. Don't work for free for too long. Put a time limit on it--a month, three months. One year is too long (if you're not in school). If you're working in an unpaid internship and they haven't even hinted about giving you a job after three months--it's probably time to thank them kindly for the valuable experience, ask for a good reference, and move on. It's a lot like dating: If they're still not ready to make it official, it's probably not meant to be.

2. Watch your expenses.

Do: Work odd jobs to make money.
Don't: Eat at the Cheesecake Factory every night. [Plus, cholesterol!]

This goes with out saying--if you're working for free, you're probably not making a lot of money in general, so avoid spending what you do make. I was lucky. When I first moved to LA, I immediately got a temp job working at a media conference that lasted for a week. Subsequent to that, I got another extremely short-term gig that paid pretty well because I was working a double-shift. If you're making money at another job...

3. Save your ass off while working your ass off.

Do: Your job. Well.
Don't: Kill yourself.

Give it your all. You have nothing to lose (literally). If you work hard and don't complain, people will remember you. Being happy and nice doesn't hurt either.

4. Network, network, network

Do: Tell people you are looking for more gigs.
Don't: Hand out your resume between takes.

Make friends. Friends is how you will get jobs. Friends = jobs. Remember that.

5. Take advantage of craft services. [There is such a thing as a free lunch.]

Do: Take leftovers home, if appropriate.
Don't: Steal all the peanut M&Ms. They will find you. And they will kill you.

Anyone who knows me knows that craft services is pretty much my favorite thing ever. On the films I worked on, I was often the one buying the craft services (Win!) Eating on set will help you save money. One solid meal a day can go a long way, and often the company is paying you with meals and things. So enjoy the perks, I mean, red vines.

6. Keep your receipts.

Do: Remember to ask for a receipt.
Don't: Spend your own money on production expenses.

If the company is reimbursing you for lunches or gas, make sure to keep your receipts. If you are spending petty cash, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS. Learn how to ask for a receipt in Spanish, if necessary.

7. Don't tolerate disrespect or harassment.

Do: Tell someone if you're not comfortable or don't feel safe doing something you've been asked to do.
Don't: Try to deal with HR type problems on your own.

If you are working for free and the company/production is mistreating or abusing you--call me and I will come punch them in the face. But seriously. That is unacceptable. If someone harasses you, say something. You are more important than any film.

8. Give thanks.

Do: Wash the dishes.
Don't: Overstay your welcome.

Working for free is a privilege that many cannot afford, because they have to pay for stuff like "rent" and "daycare." Thank those who have helped you [or are helping you] along the way. I was lucky enough to live with my aunt and uncle rent-free for a few months before moving in with roommates. I couldn't have done it without them.

9. Get a job. [Do I sound like your parents yet? Good.]

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must "get a real job." If your time limit is up (and before your savings run out), start looking for a job that pays. Any job. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. When it comes to survival jobs, I like to quote the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. You know what's worse than working as a barista? Living out of your car or being a freeloader eternal.

Finally, like the old college motto says, respice finem, or "Look to the end." Why are you working for free? Hopefully, you are working for free in order to eventually get a job. But in the short-term, what are you looking for: To support a cause you believe in? To make connections? To meet interesting people? To have an adventure? To get up at 5:30am every single day and drive from Torrance to West Hollywood?

These are all valid reasons. Just know why you are giving of your time and yourself. Make sure it's worth it.

Tune in next time for How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind.

"She works hard for (no) money": Copy/Meal/Credit, Unpaid Internships, and the Vagaries of Finding Work in Hollywood

[or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Craigslist]

We all know there is no such thing as a free . Working for free is by its nature an unsustainable prospect (unless you are independently wealthy or win the lottery). However, sometimes an English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do what an-English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do to break into the entertainment industry. Namely, work for free.

Let us call this "The Tale of Three Internships" (because "The Tale of Three Volunteer Work Experiences" doesn't sound as catchy):

Internship #1 - In which I enjoy free lunches and 3D footage of hot air balloons, but am lured away by more exciting opportunities.

October 2010: When I first moved to LA in from Kansas City, Missouri as a basically broke recent grad, I did the only logical thing possible--I applied to anything and everything on Craigslist that sounded even remotely interesting (or that paid). 

Subsequently, I was offered an unpaid editing internship at a 3D production company. Cool, 3D. Those were my thoughts. I was also pretty psyched to intern in the editing department. The perks included free lunches on the days you worked and a low-key, friendly work environment. Plus, 3D! 

I organized clips into bins, added logging notes, researched music, and did stringouts for the editors. 

This was a pretty cool internship. But then...

Internship #2 - In which I work as an assistant on an ultra-low-budget film shooting all over Hollywood with name stars and a director of note.

I met this guy at a Thanksgiving party for LA orphans and he connected me to a producer looking for interns. It would be one week of prep and two weeks of shooting on an ultra-low-budget film. Sign me up, I said!

I was excited to be back on set. The people were, of course, amazing, and I discovered once again the strange co-relation between how hard you're working and how much fun you're having. On one of our craziest days, I ended up valeting multiple vehicles and parking them along a narrow, windy drive lined on either side with a low stone wall. Me! Parking cars! It was simultaneously terrible (more like terrifying) and really good fun.

We wrapped after 12 days of shooting and then it was Christmas! I went through post-wrap depression until I got a call...

Internship #3 - In which I am a natural at driving in Tijuana, Mexico [read: I drove like someone who is completely INSANE] and I eat a lot of tacos while being terrified to cross the border but crossing it anyway, multiple times, both ways.

Early in January I got a call from a producer who had received my resume. All I knew was that they were shooting in Mexico and looking for volunteer crew members. I quickly signed on as the assistant production coordinator/driver/craft services/catch-all title.

Where to begin: Volunteer cast and crew. Inspiring subject matter. Mexico. The best popsicles I have ever eaten in my entire life. I had a blast.

It was also extremely challenging. I would drive around and get lost constantly (Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction? That I don't speak Spanish? That I didn't have a map? Or a GPS?) I would just keep driving until I found the main highway. I could find my way from there.

My main job was to pick up actors from LA across the border in the good 'ol US of A and bring them back into Tijuana. On my first time attempting to re-enter my native land, I took the wrong lane. The immigration officer was so kind. He let me off with a warning. And the threat of a $5,000 fine should it happen again.

The people were great though, and that's generally all that matters.

Thus concludes my tale of three internships. None of them led to a steady, paying job, but I don't regret doing them.

Tune in next time for the advice portion of this program: "Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect."

SH*T Christian Guys (Who Go to Hipster Churches) Don't Say

Will you go out with me?

I hate plaid.

I would grow a beard, but, I really want to be attractive to women.

No, I don't play the guitar.

My favorite movie? Braveheart.

Skinny jeans are gay.

Go Lakers!

I just want to date a good Christian girl.

This cardigan has too many holes in it. Good Will!

I've been working on the same screenplay for two years, but you know what? I'm tired of eating ramen. I'm going into sales.

Drinking alcohol is wrong.

Fedoras are passé.

Three of my best friends are black.

I'm ready to settle down and get a real job.

...