Hi, I'm an awkward hugger. It's a gift/curse that only seems to get better/worse with time.
Hugs vs. Handshakes
Have you ever noticed how persons of the male gender, when they are leaving a social event, will shake hands with the men and hug the women? I'm guessing shaking hands = respect and "you are my equal," hugging = friendly affection and "You are so cute." I'm not claiming that the hugging is necessarily condescension on the man's part, but it does seem as if women are generally perceived as more huggable (e.g. non-threatening) than men.
One guy offered up the explanation that men don't want to shake hands with women, because women aren't usually very good at it. And plus, men are perverts.
I have been occasionally fooled by the "bro hug"--the kind that starts with an extended hand as if to shake, then pulls you in for the one-armed embrace. Tricky, tricky.
Side Hugs, or Is Hugging Dangerous?
I remember complaining to a friend that the insistence on side hugs made me feel as if hugging (me) were dangerous. We attended a Bible college program in which side hugs between guys and girls were the rule. On one rare occasion when I accidently non-side-hugged a guy, he pulled back in semi-panic.
"Hugging is dangerous," she said. I had no reply. I've never heard anyone come right out and say that hugging leads to fornication, but this seems to be the rationale behind side hugs. Side hugs are safe and fraternal. Side hugs say, "I consider you a friend and nothing more." You can't hit on someone with a side hug. Or can you?
Based on a one friend poll, girls are less likely to hug guys that they like. So don't go getting any ideas.
You might think that guys are the hugging opportunists. However, I have a vivid and funny memory of another friend asking a cute European guy to show her again how people in his country say goodbye (or hello?) with the hug, cheek kiss, cheek kiss, cheek kiss combination. Practice makes perfect. Wait, now I'm not sure who the opportunist was.
Speaking of cheek kissing, you know what's awkward? Going in for a hug and having the other person go in for a cheek kiss. This is the kind of thing they don't warn you about in study abroad orientation.
First Date Etiquette
One guy ended a first date by asking, "Awkward A-frame hug?" I side hugged him. I never saw him again.
Another guy decided that a fist bump was the way to go. I never saw him again either.
I prefer no hugging on the first date. I don't like you that much yet. Sorry.
The Theology of Hugging
Yes, there is a such a thing, of which Matt Jensen does a great job of explaining here via Miroslav Volf's Exclusion & Embrace.
Things I glean from this theology:
1. A good hug requires emotional vulnerability. No wonder I'm not a huge fan.
2. A good hug is consensual. This goes without saying.
3. A good hug ends eventually. Ditto.
"Hugs not Syllogisms"
You know what is inimical to hugging? Thinking about it. Analyzing it. Writing about it. It is nearly impossible to execute a sincere, non-awkward hug while simultaneously stressing about whether or not it's expected.
Well, reader. It's been great. Are we supposed to...crap.
<<awkward_cyber_hug>>
Yeah, it is an odd dynamic. I prefer to hug, both guys and girls, but often I'll just do the handshake with the guy. But I think in many cases, it's more about the tension between the guys than because they're trying to cop a feel from the girl with their chests. In many instances, I'll start out on a handshake level with a guy, but move up to hug once we've gotten to know each other better. I think women just feel safer, somehow, whereas with guys, there's probably some psychological thing going on where they're protective of their territory and have to size up the other guy and feel like they're OK before they can let them in. It makes sense that women would feel unsafe or put upon that guys just assume it's OK to hug them. I do think that if more women just stuck their hand out, instead of us doing that awkward do-we-or-don't-we-hug dance, then that might help the situation.
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