Serial Harasser Fired Because Facebook

Yesterday evening when I came home, I saw on facebook that James Grace, artistic director of famed improv theater iO West, had been fired for sexual harassment.

This is incredible.

Just to give some context, this Buzzfeed article about the firing was posted at 5:30pm, February 19, 2016.

The facebook group in which the new allegations were posted was created on February 11, 2016. The new allegations against Grace were posted in said facebook group on February 19, 2016, at 11:09 AM and 3:33 PM respectively.

By 5:30 PM that same day, Grace was gone.

Holy sh**.

If this doesn't demonstrate the power of social media, I don't know what does. Perhaps I am overstating the cause/effect relationship here, but when the allegations against Grace (what a name, by the way) originally came out in 2007 and then again in January of this year, nothing happened.

I mean, nothing happened.

In the first instance, according to the former intern who accused Grace of harassment, iO West co-founder Charna Halpern brushed off the allegations and offered her free classes. In the second instance, Halpern denied the allegations and that she had any knowledge of them, making some unfortunate comments about sexual harassment and false accusations that are surely the stuff of a public relations nightmare.

In essence, Grace sexually harassed and assaulted an intern at iO West in 2007, then went on as the artistic director for NINE MORE YEARS, harassing and/or assaulting at least two other women in that time frame.

To put it in context, from 2007 (before facebook and other forms of social media became ubiquitous) to today:

9 years
6.5 hours

More context: As sexual harassment in the improv community has come to light, Grace was apparently part of efforts to encourage those affected to come forward and ask for help from the theater.

In fact, he was quoted in the original Buzzfeed article entitled "Standing Up To Sexual Harassment And Assault In L.A.’s Comedy Scene." Here's what he had to say:

[Initiatives taken by iO West to address sexual harassment] were directly inspired by what happened on Facebook, said James Grace, the theater’s artistic and managing director. “You have to make everyone feel safe to create and perform,” Grace said. “We’re really trying to make a real effort to reach out and actively make people feel more included.”

Furthermore, there is an email address listed on facebook for those who have experienced harassment in the iO West community to contact: james@ioimprov.com. The post dates from September 2015. Assuming this is the same James who also sexually harassed and assaulted women at iO West—

HOLY SH**

The same person who was harassing and assaulting students/interns at iO West was the same guy coming forward in the midst of all this controversy to talk about protecting and helping victims. No wonder those who were harassed didn't feel safe coming forward—the very person they were expected to approach was himself a serial harasser.

I should note here that those who posted their stories on facebook also went through official channels and urged other victims of Grace to do the same.

But it's hard to underestimate the effects of social media in this particular case, given the timeline involved. There's so much debate about the negative effects of social media, but things like facebook and Instagram can be incredibly powerful in outing and exposing systemic abuses in institutional contexts.

I have incredible respect for these women for going public.

For once, it seems, someone was right on the internet. Holy sh** indeed.

Why is Church Cliquey? Part 5

Forgive all the exposition in this post, it feels necessary to set up the stunning conclusion—I made this part of my Why is Church Cliquey? series because this series has turned into the story of my relationship with church. The good. The bad. The heartbreaking.

This is where we're going to get specific. Are you ready? I'm not.

Exposition

Some background: I left my church in 2014 because my ex-boyfriend (who was abusive) went there and also held a leadership position. This wasn't a political statement of any kind—I walked in—I saw him—I walked out. Once I realized he still attended and was also apparently on the same volunteering schedule as me, I never went back.

His presence made a safe place unsafe.

Later that same year, I reached out via email to the leadership at my church. I objected to my ex-boyfriend being in any kind of leadership position, and I said so in my email. I never heard anything back, not even to acknowledge that it was received. 

So there you go. There's not much to it—just my moral opposition to someone that I knew to be abusive serving in a leadership role at my former church. I don't know what I expected, exactly. I have no basis for believing that he ever went on to abuse anyone else at the church, partially because I cut off all contact. 

That was in 2014—fast forward to last year. My old church got a new pastor. I've never met the guy, but I have many friends who still attend the church—let's just say we have a lot of mutual fb friends.

So I was stalking his fb page (like I apparently do) and I saw that he had recommended the book "Love and Respect."

Reader, I got angry.

I know, I know, anger bad. But seriously, I saw red—or more accurately the red and white color scheme of the Love & Respect franchise.

I had never read the book, but I was familiar with its ideas. I had written about how its precepts disproportionately place burdens of shame and fear on women.

Rightly or wrongly, I was angry that the new pastor of my old church was recommending this as a "good Christian book" about marriage, knowing how it skewed toward the subjugation of women.

Then, it got worse.

I talked to my friends about this and they brought up that not only had the pastor recommended the book on his fb page, he had also preached about Love and Respect from the pulpit and AND—he was leading a premarital group that used Love and Respect as the focus.

Clearly, this guy was not just a fan (Love and Respect "liked" his post on fb, so I guess Love and Respect is a fan of him)—he was an acolyte, an evangelist for this particular ideology.

This felt too personal to ignore, like someone bursting into my living room and launching into a diatribe about how all half Asian half white women recklessly abuse semicolons, so I finally read the book. Insert ALL THE SWEAR WORDS here.

It was too perfect, too much of a cosmic coincidence—the church I had left because of an abusive relationship had hired a pastor who preached an abusive ideology.

Why?

On the one hand, I mean, it kind of makes sense. The Christian church has long had a misogyny problem and Christian men are probably just as likely to be abusive as anyone else. I realize, counter-intuitively, that not even my ex-boyfriend's misogyny was "personal"—he likely views all women the same way, not just me—I wasn't the only "bitch," after all.

On the other hand, it makes no sense at all because this is f***ing 2016 and I live in Los Angeles, California. This is the same church that regularly had a woman—yes, someone with ovaries—preaching from the pulpit (much to the chagrin of some members of the congregation). This is the young, hip, hipster church filled with artists, musicians, actors, writers. This is MY church...was my church. How could this happen?

Think about it: this pastor is leading couples who are dating or engaged through the book "Love and Respect." Dating—they're just dating and already they're being inculcated into these ideas of "what marriage should be" and "what male/female relationships should look like" and "how wives should appropriately (and unconditionally!) respect their husbands."

Young women are already learning that they should continue to "respect" the men who abuse or betray them, that they should lower their expectations for intimacy and equality, that they are especially culpable for any current or future problems in the relationship—and all this presented as the biblical secret to a good marriage.

Meanwhile, young men are taught that they are entitled to unconditional respect from their girlfriends.*

Yeah, I would say that makes me pretty angry.

Love and Respect is a Religion

And it's like, of course—of course this pastor doesn't just like the book "Love and Respect," he lives and breathes it—because that's how these kinds of ideologies function. You don't just read the book and go, "Hmm, that was good."

You buy the DVD teaching series. You infuse an unsettling power dynamic with casually sexist yet charming jokes and anecdotes from your own marriage. You lead seminars on its principles. You directly quote its ideas and concepts in your sermons without citing your source, implying that this is straight from scripture. You lead multiple book studies. You are one step away from buying special underwear with the Love and Respect logo.*

That's the thing about "Love and Respect." It's counter-intuitive—it has the quality of a "special revelation" given straight to prophet Emerson Eggerichs—this "truth hidden in plain sight" that God chose to reveal, but only to him!

Joy Eggerich (daughter of Emerson) writes in her blog about the concept of unconditional respect: "This was something I struggled with for years as my father was unpacking the powerful truth of respect for me."

"Struggled with"

"for YEARS" (emphasis mine)

And she's HIS DAUGHTER

If you read Joy's blog, you can tell that she's a fairly intelligent person—and yet she struggled with this concept for years? Bullsh**.

This is just one example of women twisting themselves into painful hermeneutical, political, and emotional positions in order to obey God's "command" to demonstrate "respect."

I can certainly understand how someone like Joy might end up in this position—she would have to basically renounce her entire family, risking their disapproval and rejection, in order to break out of the system. So she buys in, 100%—at one point even dating a man who uses her own father's concept of "respect" to cow her into submission.

Love and Respect takes the questionably biblical prescription for female subjugation and male dominance and places it on par with the gospel of Christianity.

Biking My Way to Freedom

I don't know how other people find the strength to leave an abusive relationship, but my moment happened on my bike, pedaling through the streets of Los Angeles on my way home.

I was crying, a total and complete mess. But as my entire body strained against the resistance of the pedals, something broke through the pain and the grief, overwhelming me—

It was a single word: No

That's what I feel now when I think about misogyny and the church. My church. My former church.

No. Just no.

This is not a polite, "No thank you, I would not like any misogyny with my Christianity." This is a declaration, a boundary line, a scream.

No.











*You could argue that the gender roles within Love and Respect are only meant to apply to heterosexual married couples, but in Christian culture, dating is meant as preparation for marriage, so dating relationships should mirror the eventual marriage relationship. Furthermore, you are communicating that in the most significant and central relationship of her life, a woman must always operate in a one-down position. Tell me this doesn't influence her other relationships with men. 

*Things that I know happened and are not just hypothetical: No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

2016 Bucket List

"The right time is any time that one is still so lucky as to have..."- Henry James

So, this is going to be a grab bag of personal goals and fun things to do this year, in no particular order of importance and subject to future updates and revisions as my wanton, womanly whims waft me. Luckily, Los Angeles is full of restaurants to sample, bizarre workouts to try, museums to visit, and guinea pigs to cuddle. Here's to a great 2016.

1. Volunteer at Los Angeles Guinea Pig Rescue

SO FLUFFY!!! Photo via LA Guinea Pig Rescue

Why haven't I done this yet. Why am I not hanging out with dozens of guinea pigs right now. SO FREAKING CUTE. TEARS. CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW.

2. Go hammock camping

Ever since my sister bought me a $5 hammock at Five Below, I have been dreaming about sipping wine in my hammock before a blazing fire while watching Netflix (that's what people do when they're camping...right?) As far as I can tell, all you need to go hammock camping is a hammock, tree straps, and two appropriately spaced trees. Living the dream!

3. Host a clothing swap (or three)

Leftover shoes from the last swap

When I told my sister that this was on my bucket list, she observed that, "Saying you're going to host a clothing swap this year is like saying, 'This year, I'm going to take a poop." She's not wrong. I'm taking one right now.

4. Start a local Artist's Way group

I participated in an Artist's Way group last year and it kind of sort of changed my life. This is one of those books that makes an evangelist out of you—the kind you give to your friends and strangers on the metro. Due to my continuing commitment to drive only when necessary, I would like to start a group close to my house. Like, walking/biking distance.

5. Ride my bike during CicLAvia

This is one of my favorite LA events. They shut down miles of public streets just for bikes/pedestrians/rollerbladers/skateboarders/scooters. I may have moved out of the valley but that doesn't mean I'm not going to haul/public-transpo my bike up there for this event.

6. Be in my brother's wedding

My brother is getting married!!! Not only is he all grown up (real job and everything), he's also an amazing person to talk to and hang out with. Sibling lottery on lock.

7. Make my own Bloody Mary mix from scratch.

I tried this once with fresh-squeezed tomato juice and the results were just "meh." Moral of the story: keep your tomatoes canned and your pepper gratuitous.

8. Take up weight lifting

9. Ride my bike to the beach


10. Visit the Broad

11. Learn to sew

I may or may not have taken a free sewing class at Mood LA two years ago. I may or may not have only gotten to the part where we pinned the pieces of a tote bag together. I may or may not still have those pinned together pieces sitting in my car. *Hangs head in shame*

12. Get a new job

13. Find a spiritual community or group that doesn't cause spontaneous feminist combustion

14. Be an extra in a web series as "Hipster Party Goer"

CHECK AND CHECK

15. Try acroyoga

16. Get health insurance

17. Learn how to [ice] skate backwards

So, this one time, I tried out for the hockey team at Cambridge when I was studying abroad. I put on all the gear, I went through all the drills, and though I wasn't the worst skater of the bunch, I could not for the life of me skate backwards. More than one person, including one really cute guy, tried to show me but I could—not—get—it. Goals.

18. Be an extra in a music video as "Skater Girl."

CHECK AND CHECK

Why is Church Cliquey? Part 2

At the beginning of the year I wrote a post called Why is Church Cliquey?

This is a topic close to my heart. Maybe it's because I've felt like an outsider my whole life, but to me the message of belonging offered by Jesus is too good to be true, too difficult to pass up, and too compelling to ignore. I believe in a God who says,

"You belong to me."

And throughout my life, I've had powerful experiences of love, belonging and acceptance. I've also felt alone, ignored, rejected and depressed.

I've been coming to terms with never feeling fully accepted anywhere or anytime. That being a foreigner runs deep, deep.

So when people responded to "Why is Church Cliquey?" with "No, duh. Church is cliquey because people are cliquey. Deal with it"--

I could feel the anger rising.

For me (and others) there's the strong sense that this is not the way things should be. And this blog post is me saying that this is not the way things should be:

If I'm rejected everywhere else, I should be accepted at church.

If I'm bullied at school, I should be safe in my youth group.

If I feel alienated, lonely, excluded or isolated, I should find radical acceptance in the embrace of my brother, my sister.

If I feel singled out because of my race, gender, culture, nationality, family background or sexual orientation, I should feel like a whole person in the presence of God and his people.

I'm inspired by the insights of one of my friends, whose response I've excerpted below (with permission):

"The problem with church is that one of the major tenets of Christianity is that you are supposed to belong to the group. We're the Body of Christ, therefore we are bound together in some way. It is your 'family.'

"If co-workers reject me, so what, they're the 'world.' If non-Christians reject me, good, it means I am different. If Christians reject me, if I find that I don't belong to that group...where do I go?? I've set my back to the world, picked up my cross to follow Jesus, and am trying to join the others who've done that.

"So when I am in that church lobby with the hundred or so people I know and no one speaks to me or catches my eye or returns my desperate waves as I say goodbye to the air, I care about that rejection in a way that I don't care about when I'm getting coffee in the lunch room and two co-workers are ignoring me, or when the guys at Starbucks aren't saying hello. My faith is on the line. Part of the faith is that I belong. If I don't belong I'm not a real Christian.

"Another tenet of fitting in is wanting to look good. I think that is a big part of the Church--they want to attract people to it, so they showcase the edgy, relevant side of things. They don't want to be 'your mother's church' or even 'your mid-western church.' So the cool kids get center stage--they are the ones in the band, on the stage.

"But most people drawn to Jesus aren't all that together: we're the nerdy ones, the socially awkward ones, the ones that don't fit in with the world and have a hard time adjusting. We're the uncool, and we don't fit in at work, with our families, with the world at large. If we can't fit in at church, we're sunk."

That's the thing about Christianity--it's meant to be radically inclusive.

In Christ there is no Other--neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, popular nor nerdy, cool nor uncool, eastside nor westside, Bruins nor Trojans.

So what can we do if church feels cliquey?

In a city like LA, the most visible Other is the homeless man or woman. [Homeless people often make token appearances in screenplays, short stories, short films, etc. as either wise-beyond-their-social-status, comic relief, or tragic heroes. See also, the Magical Vagrant.] I believe churches (mine included) go out their way to love and care for the most vulnerable population in their midst, which is awesome.

But I think it's possible to look deeper.

First, we can admit that we as Christians seem to value exactly what the world values: good looks, fashion sense, youth, a "promising career," talent, fame, money, good production values, etc.

We can acknowledge that inequality exists in the world. We can acknowledge that racism exists (yes, still). We can acknowledge that sexism exists. We can acknowledge that homophobia exists. We can acknowledge that, yes, sometimes people are discriminated against because of systemic injustice and not because of anything they did wrong.

We can acknowledge that some people struggle with belonging more than others. We can acknowledge that race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. can influence the extent to which a person is accepted (or feels accepted).

We can stop pretending that when a person walks into a church the way that they look has nothing to do with how they are treated.

Sometimes (speaking as an outsider here), I just want acknowledgment of the reality that though we may all be equal in the eyes of God, we are not all equal in the eyes of that hiring manager, that apartment supervisor, that closed group of friends.

Second, we can ask questions:

Should I be uncomfortable if the church I go to is full of people who look exactly like me?

What do I do when I look around my small group and realize we're all educated 20-somethings with very similar entertainment career aspirations and theological viewpoints?

Who is the "Other" in my life? Who do I avoid?

Third, we can listen.

People feel like they don't belong for a variety of reasons. These reasons can be internal, external, personality-related, rooted in past experiences, etc.

Listen to those on the outside or those who feel like they're on the outside. Don't dismiss their thoughts or feelings about being excluded. Don't tell them that how they feel is wrong. That's not listening.

Don't say, "Maybe you should try harder to make friends." Don't chalk it up to, "Well, that's just the way it is." Don't give advice like, "You shouldn't care so much about what other people think. At least God accepts you." That's not listening.

Just listen. Maybe they have valid concerns about how the church is too white, too hipster, too middle-class. Maybe they have something to say about decades of oppression they feel the church has perpetuated or participated in.

Don't get defensive. That's not listening.

To recap:

Acknowledge.
Ask Questions.
Listen.

Remember what it felt like to be rejected and excluded back in fourth grade. We've all been there. We are all the Other. Who hasn't felt lonely, disconnected, alienated or alone? It's a universal human experience.

I think sometimes it makes us uncomfortable to hear people say that they feel like they don't belong. It's just not done. It's as if we're trying desperately to ward off those traumatic memories from middle school, as if "not belonging" were a contagious disease best quarantined as quickly as possible with denial and Jesus bandaids.

But what if it's okay.

If God is not intimidated by the depth of our need to belong, maybe we can acknowledge, ask, and listen. And offer just a small taste of the belonging and acceptance that is already ours.

Because we belong to God.


Next: Why is church cliquey? Part 3

How to be Self-Employed in LA Without Losing Your Pants

As Kermit the Freelancer once said, "It ain't easy covering 100% of your own payroll tax."

How do you know if you're self-employed? 

You filled out a W-9 instead of a W-2. 

You receive a 1099 at the end of the year. 

You have heard rumors of such things as "sick days" and "paid holidays," but if they were to happen to you personally, you might question the validity of the pythagorean theorem.   

In short, it's easy to lose your pants in this town--especially when you're self-employed.

Make sure your a** is covered with these helpful tips.

Get Health Insurance

I don't want to hear your excuses. "I'm healthier than the offshore banking account of a Goldman Sachs executive in 2006" or "I have more vim and vigor than a Virginia eel during mating season." 

I've heard them all. They all suck. 

You heard me.

Think you can't afford an extra $100 per month? How about $50,000 for an ear infection? (I made that number up. But still.)

No Seriously, Get Health Insurance

It's the law, bro. Open enrollment started October 1st. Get on it.

Open an HSA (health savings account)

As a self-employed individual you have the option to get HSA qualified health insurance (high deductible health insurance that meets certain government requirements). I know you're starting to doze off right now because this information is so fascinating, but get this--

Money you put into your HSA is tax deductible--and you can use that pre-tax money to pay for qualified medical expenses. Now you can finally get those wisdom teeth extractions you've been eyeing. It's a win-win, my friend.

Open an IRA 

A retirement account is a lot like a trusty pair of corduroys--it's extra embarrassing to be 72 and caught sans pants or nest egg. 

Maybe you don't have a lot of money to invest. That's okay. Start small, but start somewhere. 

If you open a traditional IRA, the money you put in (up to $5,500 per year) is tax deductible. You are going to need those deductions. Trust me.

Register Your "Business" with the City of Los Angeles

For the love of all that is green, fuzzy and pants-free, do this NOW. You may not have a cubicle, personal assistant or water cooler around which to discuss the Breaking Bad finale, but to the city of LA, you are still a business.  

The details are a bit hazy, but if you do not do register your business with the city, they will track you down and hit you with a nasty sounding tax bill (happened to a friend of a friend).

All you have to do is register, then report your income each year.

It's easy and free to fill out the form and apply online. Go:

https://latax.lacity.org/oofweb/eappreg/eappreg_criteria.cfm

Find an Industry Accountant

No, it won't cost less than TurboTax and the bottle of vino you use to take the edge off of doing your taxes. Yes, it will save you money in the long run. Pay for a good accountant. A good accountant is worth the $100-$250 you might spend. 

How do you find this good accountant? Get a referral. Ask your industry friends--even if you're not in the industry. I know you have that friend who's been around the Runyon Canyon block a few hundred times. They will know a good accountant, as well as the best way to get rid of a body (oil drum, hydrochloric acid, rinse, repeat).

I hope I have sufficiently bludgeoned you with useful information. Stay smart, stay safe and hold onto your pants.

*All information in this blog is not meant to take the place of consultation with an actual professional, such as an accountant, lawyer, etc. etc. Use at your own risk.

Millenials, Entitlement, and Happiness

So, this article came out and people are linking to it and responding to it and I thought I would throw some of my thoughts out there into the mix as an early (late?) millennial who has thoughts, dammit, and wants those thoughts to be heard [I do have a blog, after all. I am Generation Y. Hear me make tentative suggestions via an impersonal platform]. 

Thirst for Adventure

I am a millennial. Sometimes, I confuse adventure with happiness. Whether it's studying abroad, backpacking through Asia, snowboarding the alps, going to Burning Man, eating an endangered species of fire ant, being homeless for a month, or hitchhiking through the Sahara desert, I want to do it all--right now. (Maybe I can raise the funds for my backpacking trip through Kickstarter? Hmm.)

There's this restlessness inside me that refuses to be quenched unless I'm saving orphans in Papua New Guinea while simultaneously inventing a new system of water filtration and launching the latest and greatest app for the iphone. 

I just feel like I'm in stasis, you know. 

I've got it! I'm going to move to LA and pursue a career in filmmaking.

Unnecessary Suffering

Okay. I have a college degree and a background best described as "middle class." I have a few resources (see also "Mommy & Daddy" below).

But, since I'm following my dreams and chasing adventure, I'm living well below the poverty line, subsisting on food stamps (but still eating organic!), sharing an apartment with at least 5 other dudes, and missing one or two student loan payments. 

I work in food service, which I hate, but hey, at least the hours are flexible so I can intern at the record label two days a week. Half the people there don't even refer to me by name (I'm "that weird intern"), but at least I'm pursuing what I love. 

I don't have a car and that sucks, but I think riding the bus is giving me some really good ideas for this screenplay I'm writing about a young person who moves to the big city and meets this homeless man who gives him tons of great advice about how life is about more than just material possessions.

Underemployed and Loving It

Heck, I have so much free time between jobs, I'm writing at least two pilots right now, which I hope to pitch at the monthly networking event I go to (free drinks!). 

I'm thinking about taking an acting class so I can become a better director. I know it's pricey, but if I up my hours at the Cheesecake Factory I should be able to afford it. 

You know who I saw at a party the other day? Ryan Gosling's younger brother, Joe. I wonder if he would be interested in my script about flesh eating slugs who turn out to be harmless, peace-loving aliens with a mission to turn the whole universe vegan.

Mommy & Daddy

I'm not proud about it, but every so often my parents put money in my bank account when I'm not looking. 

I just know that they believe in me and they believe in my dreams as much as I believe in me and my dreams. 

Thanks, Mom & Dad. 

Don't Quit Your Day Job

I work in a book warehouse packing books. Boxes upon boxes of used books arrive at the warehouse every day and are sorted into two piles: keep and throw away. 

One co-worker refers to them as "boxes of broken dreams":

Becoming a Successful, Working, 'Yes, This is What I Do to Pay My Bills' Actor.

Move Out of Your Parent's Basement: A Spiritual Guide

You Too Can Get That Impossibly Beautiful Woman Who is Way Out of Your League to Have Sex With You

Sell Your Screenplay in Five Easy Steps

Every self-help book starts sounding like it's directly judging my life choices: 

If You Have a College Degree And Are As Smart as Your Kindergarten Teacher Said You Were, Why are You Working for Minimum Wage In A Warehouse With No AC During the Summer?

And

What Are You Doing With Your Life? What Would Your College Alumni Magazine Think of You Now?

And 

You Are a Failure

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not have health insurance. Do not have a good answer when people ask, "What do you do?"

Keep or throw away. Keep or throw away.

Follow Your Dreams

I am a millennial 20 years later. No one writes articles about me anymore. Now, there is a new generation to pick on (I hope they give them a stupid name too. Like "perennials.")

My life has exceeded my expectations, but not in the ways I thought it would. 

I'm still pursuing my dreams--but those dreams have changed or morphed into something new. I know how lucky I am to have these dreams and to have the freedom to pursue them. 

I am happy.

Workout for FREE - The Life & Times of a Cheapskate in LA

Hey look at that body, hey look at that body, hey look at that body...I workout!

Oh--Hai there!

Do you like free stuff? Me too! That's why I'm devoting this post to FREE ways to workout in Los Angeles.

Ditch the gym and join your free-lovin' friends for some sweat & endorphins & hot people in spandex (Let's be real. This is the land of aspiring actors).

Without further ado:

Monthly coupons for a FREE class (you may have to sign up for their newsletter):
Swerve Studio
Yoga Vibe
Black Dog Yoga

First class FREE:
FITMIX Studio
Liberation Yoga (love it!)
Circuit Hollywood

Ongoing FREE yoga:
Sunday mornings @ Lululemon (locations everywhere!)
Free Yoga for Runners
Runyon Canyon Yoga
Naam Yoga (Check out beach yoga @ 10:00am)
Yoga @ the Los Angeles Public Library

Ongoing FREE fitness:
Nike Training Club Santa Monica
Nike Training Club @ The Grove [No longer exists. Sad day.]
Boot Camp in Grand Park
Yoga & Zumba in Pershing Square
Athleta @ The Grove - Classes every weekend
Athleta @ Fashion Square - Classes every weekend
Racked LA Fit Club - RSVP required. Try a new workout and get free swag too.
Toms Venice Flagship - Sign up for their newsletter and find out about free yoga, rub club & surfing.

Disclaimers and such: Gas & parking are not free. Choose a workout close to you! Also, I have not been to all of these classes, so I can't vouch for their individual level of awesome.

That said--it's free! What do you have to lose? Get out there in your awkwardly tight shorts and the T-shirt you haven't worn since college and get your cheapskate butt in shape!

Why is Church Cliquey?

Why is church cliquey? I suppose I have a few theories about this--and I'm not just talking about my own church--reports have come in from far and wide about the cliquey nature of church, primarily from people my own age. Specifically, what makes the church foyer such an awkward place for new people? Why does it seem difficult to "break in"--to a conversation, a circle, a tight-knit social group?

Some theories: 

Theory 1: We respect your right to disengage more than we value your desire to be engaged.

Theory 2: The rise of irony makes it difficult to express sincere, unabashed interest in something or someone.

Theory 3: Church is "home" and we want to talk to our "family." 

Theory 4: Church is a series of loosely connected social circles. Maybe you're new, or maybe you just belong to one of the other social circles. Either way, I don't know you and I probably won't talk to you unless our circles intersect.

Theory 5: In LA especially, it seems like everyone wants something from you--sex, a date, a pitch meeting, a job, the secret of how you got your hair to do that crazy poof thing. Or they don't, in which case, why are they talking to you again?

What does the opposite of cliquey look like? I'm not sure, but I can hazard a guess, or rather, an experience: Black churches. I can remember going to one or several with family when we were visiting from out-of-state. To say that we were welcomed with open arms (literally) would be an understatement. We were "loved on." Hugged. Called "sister" or "brother."

My own history with church cliqueness is complicated. I was the awkward kid at the church party. Scratch that, I still am the awkward kid at the church party. 

When I was 9 and attending grade school in China, of course I didn't fit in. I was American, a foreigner, a lao wai. When I was 12 and started going to my international church's youth group, of course I didn't fit in. Most of the kids were older and "cooler." When I was 15 and we moved back to the states and I started going to youth group there, of course I didn't fit in. I was still reeling from the move and my parents' divorce, still adjusting to a new (old) country.

Whatever it is that makes fitting into social groups effortless (or at least non-awkward) never clicked for me.

I've blamed other people. I've blamed church for being cliquey, when the only thing I had to blame was my own lack of social skills. Blessed are the awkward, for they shall inherit all of the spinach dip.

"[T]he foreigner excludes before being excluded, even more than [s]he is being excluded."

-Kristeva

I'm not claiming that church is not cliquey. I'm not claiming that people aren't excluded, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

If you think that church is cliquey, if you feel excluded, judged, put down, ignored, insignificant--I'm sorry. If you've stopped going to church because you feel like you don't fit in--I'm sorry too. But one thing I've learned is that as much as I try, I can't separate my relationship with God from my relationship with other people. I can't love God and hate his church. I can't pursue God and cut off my brother, my sister. I can't harbor resentment and bitterness in my heart and claim that it's all okay, because God and I are okay.

I'm not saying you should attend a church that spiritually abuses you. I'm not saying you need to reconcile with those who excluded or ignored you. I'm not saying you need to agree with everything a church teaches. I'm saying, in a deeper sense, there is no in-crowd.

Whatever the point of hurt is, whatever the wound--it matters to God. For me, that would be feeling like the church doesn't care about my gifts and talents. It might be different for you. But don't give up. Be awkward. But don't be a stranger.

I attended a church-related holiday function alone recently, and as I told my friends, "I'm worried it will be awkward." The party promised to feature such cringe-worthy activities as "singing Christmas carols" and "eating white chocolate popcorn." But, impending awkwardness be damned, I went anyway, fruit tart in hand. And guess what? I was the awkward one (I know. I was surprised too).

I got there, promptly ignored the host when he introduced himself to me, in my nervousness drank large quantities of what turned out to be not-ice-tea, and generally faux-pas-ed it up in admirable fashion. And I had a great time. People went out of their way to make me feel welcome. When asked by one guy I had just met how I knew the people at the party, I replied, "I don't really know anyone here."

He said, "You know me."




Want more?

Why is church cliquey? Part 2
Why is church cliquey? Part 3
Why is church cliquey? Part 4
Why is church cliquey? Part 5

[GUEST POST] 10 Reasons Not To Date That [Probably Non-Christian] Coworker From That One-Day Gig

[Today's guest post is from Rachel. She lives and attends church in Los Angeles and works in entertainment. This is in response to 10 Reasons You Should Think Twice Before Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church. - MT]

1) When is faith gonna come up? Is there a good way for it to come up? Do you really want to say, I think you're absolutely great. You're hot, funny, and I could talk to you for the rest of my life, but since you're not a Christian, this isn't gonna work?

I don't know what's worse, the inner battle I've fought with myself over what I wanted and knew I couldn't have, or anticipating/trying to avoid the conversation. I know some great people who have ended up at the altar without having that conversation, and it's a difficult thing later. You're always pulling apart on the thing that matters most. Let's not forget Solomon, who was the wisest man who ever lived, but foreign wives led him to worship idols. Or Samson, who had his talent taken away by someone who he let get very close, who did not believe. 

2) If you keep dating them, they are Mr./Miss Right Now rather than Mr./Miss Right. They are taking up a space that should be vacant. You don't want to miss the opportunity to meet a great Christian because you are taking up all your time seeing someone who's not right. 

3) I can hear it now: But, I know so-and-so, and they dated (and maybe married) that guy or girl, and they eventually became a Christian! Isn't that sweet? 

Look, I know those people too. But it's like dating someone and hoping they will magically grow taller, or that they will magically be more considerate, or they will magically stop being shallow, or that they will magically quit working so much to spend more time with you (or that you can argue/convince them into any of the above things, and more). What you see is usually what you get. The only guarantee of change that you have, is that this person is going to get older, and probably less attractive, and some of the things that you like about them now will probably begin to annoy you over time (Wow I'm romantic! I can't hold back! Just full of sunshine!)

4) This is probably distracting you from what you should be doing, whatever it is that God is calling you to do with your life right now. Oh, sure, it's super-fun to feel that totally smitten feeling, but it's hard to tear away from and the crash comes hard. Instead of getting myself worked up about this guy/girl, maybe I should have been [fill in the blank] (for me personally, finishing that screenplay draft). I would probably already be done by now.  

Think about all the magical and wonderful things that God has for you to do right now--okay, sometimes they are hard and require discipline and perseverance, and do not feel as magical as said coworker, but instead of dating someone after which you will have nothing to show, you could be… duh dun-nuh! finished with your next project, and soaring into your future awesomeness, becoming the person who is right for the person you are going to meet. Or, you could be helping out foster kids and homeless people. Or learning a foreign language, or… whatever floats your boat.

There's a whole section in the Screwtape Letters about how having a person who could influence you, who isn't an on-fire Christian, or who is deceptive while dating or just plain a bad match, can eventually make you less effective or on-fire for God. It's a strategy of the enemy! Don't fall for it!

6) The pain. Do not underestimate how hard it is to let a fond attachment die, just for the sake of faith. I wrote in my journal recently, "All the things I have walked away from before were not really sacrifices that God required, but this one is the real deal. I never knew what it was to take up my cross and follow Jesus, until now." I have gone on a lot of dates (please read this as coffee/dinner/outing, not make-out session), so I now know pretty much exactly what I'm looking for. I am not talking about physical appearance or even the essential chemistry, but discerning beyond. And I almost never (approaching zero) see "it." Makes it that much harder to give up. 

7) You might find someone who is more of a match for you than the Christians you currently know (except for the faith thing). Why tempt yourself?? Why put yourself in that situation? It's definitely better to widen your circle of acquaintance and get to know more Christians. Date Christians, date many, date often (once again I mean coffee/dinner/outings, not makeout sessions)--see a great article about this at Relevant magazine. Now is the time to date around, not when you are married (Sorry, I have a sick sense of humor). 

The essence of faith is, I am going to trust God, who I can't see, rather than reaching out for what I can see, that is right in front of me. I am trusting God to provide, as I actively pursue the right thing, rather than what just what is immediately available. 

There were so many fruit trees available in the garden of Eden. I wonder how long it would have taken Adam and Eve to try all the ones that *were* available to them? They obviously had not tried all the trees that they were at that time allowed to try, because they had not eaten from the tree of life… clearly, the Tree of Life was much more awesome than the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Wait for your Tree of Life! Go try all trees available until you find your Tree of Life! Why just stand around the one tree that you can't try??? It's pretty much a recipe for disaster, the story of the whole human race. 

8) If the other person doesn't share your faith, most of the time they do not share your idea of pre-marriage physical boundaries. The standards that are common in popular culture and the standards that we Christians would like to have, but do not always have, are, let's face it, pretty different. 

I have a good friend who has hung out with more non-Christian guys than I have, who she also typically meets through work, and she actually relies on the physical boundaries conversation to end the relationship, so she doesn't have to tell them, "Hey you're great, but you're not a Christian, soooo…" Her typical experience is along the lines of, an unexpected kiss turns into a conversation about the status of the relationship that turns into the guy saying, "I was kind of looking for sex, so I guess we can't date."

When I called her for advice two weeks ago, she suggested I use this strategy. But, as she recently found out, sometimes non-Christians are okay with your pre-marriage physical boundaries, so then you have to find another reason to break up, if you don't want to have the awkward conversation. 

Also, for me, there is no such thing as an unexpected kiss, because I am so aware of physical movement (shout out to all my dancers out there!). I will deflect with my body language! I always require an official conversation about interest before a kiss (words first--writer's rule! lol). You're just not gonna get an opportunity to lean in, before you speak out! Ha!

And what about your other commitments? Do you want to go to church alone for the rest of your life? I don't. Do you want your kids to come to church? I do. One of my dear friends comes to church alone, without spouse and kids. It's really sad!

But, you say, it's not that far along! It's just dating! See how you feel when your new bestie of the other gender keeps you out late Saturday night when you're the only one who is going home and getting up Sunday. See if you really make it out of bed. See if you are still hung over, because they don't have the goal of not getting drunk, and well, that's starting to slip for you, too.

I'm not judging, though. When I lived overseas, I would party with my Irish/British/South African/Canadian friends from Sunday school on Saturday nights, and there was one particular Sunday that several of us had hangovers in Sunday school. We'd all been at the same house party, and I'd ended up crashing on a couch that night. Yes, we were all Christians. Yes, it says, "Do not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Holy Spirit." Point is, no matter who you hang with the most, they will influence you. I guess we were acting like Job's first set of kids. You see what happened to them! But I digress…

9) If this person is a coworker or in your profession, you don't want to screw up your business relationship by breaking up with them because they aren't a Christian. This could both hurt you professionally and mess up your chance to share Jesus with them.

People sometimes say you shouldn't date coworkers or business associates at all, but for me, there seem to be so few Christians in LA, if they are a Christian and we also click personality-wise, and I feel attracted to them, I'm willing to jeopardize a business relationship to give it a shot. Also, I kind of want someone with the same mission in life as me, who has a heart for the same profession and the same people group. Overall the saddest people I have ever met (including third-world countries) are people in Entertainment. Who else is gonna get that?

10) Someone else's heart is involved here. You, knowing that this will end, are playing with this person's heart if you keep dating them, knowing it's gotta end. I have done this to a non-Christian friend. It is awful. I was fine--I had been 100% sure this was gonna end the whole time, and I was even kind of lying to myself about the fact that we were dating- I kept saying to myself, we're just friends, there's no "action" here--but meanwhile the other person was growing more and more attached. The other person did not even have a friendship with Jesus to support them, so they were going it alone through de facto rejection (I moved to another town for career purposes). If I had it to do over, I (hopefully) would not do it again. 

I will say, that God has used these people in my life for my good, but that doesn't mean that the relationship itself was good. It's because of who He is that it turned out for my good. In retrospect, dating someone who didn't share my faith was the wrong decision. Ultimately, it was a waste of time.

How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by Rob

Last time I wrote about Working for Free Without Losing Your Self-respect. In this post, you are working for money, not Kit Kats. Congratulations!

However, chances are, you are not yet getting paid to do what you really want to do. You are working a day job--slightly pleasant, less than stimulating, occasionally tedious. Welcome to the next 40 years of your life.

Just kidding.

I believe that you are meant for bigger and better things. But in the meantime, here are some tips to get you through. First--a little contextualizing background: After working for free for a couple months and a month or so of funemployment (I was actually pretty bored), I got a real job working in data entry. So, here goes:

1. Feed your mind.

I may or may not have "watched" an entire four seasons of Grey's Anatomy at my previous day/survival job. Hey. Don't judge. Those were desperate times.

Ok, so don't do what I did and watch trashy TV. If you work at a job that doesn't engage your mind, find something that does. I recommend:

This American Life
Audiobooks. They could save you. Many libraries offer audiobooks for download (no late fees!).
Itunes U

2. Pay your rent.

This may seem obvious, but if you are not making enough money in your day gig to afford rent, you might want to consider getting another job. Or two. Don't go into debt if you can help it. It's not worth it, and chances are you're not going to sell your brilliant screenplay for $$$ just yet.

3. Pursue your passions [on the side].

It can be easy to lose sight of why you moved to Los Angeles in the first place. Just because you're working a day job, doesn't mean you can't pursue your passions. Make time for writing, or acting, or shooting. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the tedium of 9-5 can be a shot in the arm, creatively speaking.

4. Flexibility FTW

If you get to choose your day job, I would choose something that gives you the flexibility to pursue your passions. Sometimes, it can be a trade off between pay and flexibility, but if you can get both--my job was more of a survival job [as in, barely making enough to survive], but it did give me the flexibility to work other, filmmaking type jobs. I lucked out. Ideally, your work will support you and your goals.

5. Respect your work.

At the same time, it's important to respect the work that you do, that people are counting on you to do your job and do it well, whether that's pulling pints or packing boxes. Respect your boss, respect your co-workers, respect the work.

6. Write it down.

If you are working a particularly boring job, you will have a TON of ideas. A ton. Make sure to write them down (if it doesn't interrupt your work). Scribble stuff in a notebook on your lunch break. Brainstorm during your commute. Take advantage of the ideas that come to you when you're not even trying.

7. Surrender your expectations.

This is a tough one. But if you can, work on letting go of your expectations for success--of what you "should" have achieved by now. Yes, some of your peers will be more successful than you at this stage. So what? You are not your job. And besides, the job that's going to fulfill you completely doesn't even exist. If you're currently working a survival job, I highly recommend reading this post (part of a great series) about underemployment: I Work, Therefore I Am.

8. This is only a phase.

I repeat: this is only a phase. Yeah, I guess you could end up working at Chipotle for the rest of your life, but I highly doubt it. I bet you 12 Kit Kats you'll end up doing something else. I used to stalk about mentally wringing my hands over how I was "wasting my life" working a job that didn't challenge me. Take heart. There is more.

Tune in next time for "Your First Real Industry Job: Don't Screw It Up."

"She works hard for (no) money": Copy/Meal/Credit, Unpaid Internships, and the Vagaries of Finding Work in Hollywood

[or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Craigslist]

We all know there is no such thing as a free . Working for free is by its nature an unsustainable prospect (unless you are independently wealthy or win the lottery). However, sometimes an English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do what an-English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do to break into the entertainment industry. Namely, work for free.

Let us call this "The Tale of Three Internships" (because "The Tale of Three Volunteer Work Experiences" doesn't sound as catchy):

Internship #1 - In which I enjoy free lunches and 3D footage of hot air balloons, but am lured away by more exciting opportunities.

October 2010: When I first moved to LA in from Kansas City, Missouri as a basically broke recent grad, I did the only logical thing possible--I applied to anything and everything on Craigslist that sounded even remotely interesting (or that paid). 

Subsequently, I was offered an unpaid editing internship at a 3D production company. Cool, 3D. Those were my thoughts. I was also pretty psyched to intern in the editing department. The perks included free lunches on the days you worked and a low-key, friendly work environment. Plus, 3D! 

I organized clips into bins, added logging notes, researched music, and did stringouts for the editors. 

This was a pretty cool internship. But then...

Internship #2 - In which I work as an assistant on an ultra-low-budget film shooting all over Hollywood with name stars and a director of note.

I met this guy at a Thanksgiving party for LA orphans and he connected me to a producer looking for interns. It would be one week of prep and two weeks of shooting on an ultra-low-budget film. Sign me up, I said!

I was excited to be back on set. The people were, of course, amazing, and I discovered once again the strange co-relation between how hard you're working and how much fun you're having. On one of our craziest days, I ended up valeting multiple vehicles and parking them along a narrow, windy drive lined on either side with a low stone wall. Me! Parking cars! It was simultaneously terrible (more like terrifying) and really good fun.

We wrapped after 12 days of shooting and then it was Christmas! I went through post-wrap depression until I got a call...

Internship #3 - In which I am a natural at driving in Tijuana, Mexico [read: I drove like someone who is completely INSANE] and I eat a lot of tacos while being terrified to cross the border but crossing it anyway, multiple times, both ways.

Early in January I got a call from a producer who had received my resume. All I knew was that they were shooting in Mexico and looking for volunteer crew members. I quickly signed on as the assistant production coordinator/driver/craft services/catch-all title.

Where to begin: Volunteer cast and crew. Inspiring subject matter. Mexico. The best popsicles I have ever eaten in my entire life. I had a blast.

It was also extremely challenging. I would drive around and get lost constantly (Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction? That I don't speak Spanish? That I didn't have a map? Or a GPS?) I would just keep driving until I found the main highway. I could find my way from there.

My main job was to pick up actors from LA across the border in the good 'ol US of A and bring them back into Tijuana. On my first time attempting to re-enter my native land, I took the wrong lane. The immigration officer was so kind. He let me off with a warning. And the threat of a $5,000 fine should it happen again.

The people were great though, and that's generally all that matters.

Thus concludes my tale of three internships. None of them led to a steady, paying job, but I don't regret doing them.

Tune in next time for the advice portion of this program: "Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect."

The 7 Deadly Sins of Being a Woman

So, church today got me thinking about the ways that we gender things like sin, sex, shame, anger, evangelism, and emotional needs. It got me wondering--do churches split men and women into gender specific groups so we can talk about the differing sins that plague each gender? How do we tend to gender certain sins?

Lust

Sex, as we all know, is for men, and thus only men struggle with lust. Women never struggle with their sexual desires. They just want to be loved unconditionally, like that movie "The Vow" (or was it "Pretty Woman"?) No further comment needed here. Moving on.

Gluttony

I don't know about you, but I feel like Los Angeles has this weird relationship to food, eating, diet, and exercise. As a city, we're probably bulimic, anorexic, and addicted to exercise. On a good day. Now, far be it from me to look down upon healthy eating (not my fav) and exercise (not my fav either). But I feel like extreme dieting and exercising are like gluttony's prettier, skinnier cousin. In our culture, things like weight loss and being skinny are heavily geared toward women. There's a lot of shame involved. See also, envy.

Greed

Ah, the gold-digging stereotype--it lives on, it thrives even. Though I suppose now that many women are making more money than their spouses, men will start being objectified only for their good looks and hot bodies. On another level, it seems like women are constantly accused of having unreasonable expectations--of men, of marriage, of sharing housework, of having it all. It's not so much the injunction to "settle" as it is anger that women might have these kinds of expectations in the first place.

Sloth

If anything, Sloth is a guy. A guy who plays XBox all night and works at Dairy Queen. Women are really falling behind on this one. They're going to have to work super hard to even think of achieving parity.

Wrath

Recently, I read an article on Relevant Magazine entitled "When I'm Bad at Being a Woman." The article didn't seem to be about being a woman at all--but rather about anger, disappointment, getting credit for your work, and basing your value in God. As I tried to suggest in the comments, the title betrays the underlying assumption that getting angry makes you a bad woman (Hey kids! Close reading--it's not just for English majors!) I think with women and getting angry, there's always the fear of being the shrew--the B-word. But anger, man oh man is that a real emotion, and if anything, I wish I expressed it (rather than holding it in) more than I do. Because anger is so much better than resentment and bitterness.

Envy

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Women are notorious for constantly comparing themselves to other women, favorably or unfavorably. Of course, our culture doesn't contribute to this at all. Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Here's the thing about women, especially women at church--they are the nicest, most accepting people EVER. But that envy stuff is real.

The only gender-specificity I can really see here is that men are not under the same pressure to compare their appearance to that of other men. I could be wrong.

Pride

I sometimes think that one of the worst things a woman can be is arrogant (to those that think she's arrogant). I'm not saying men get a free pass on this one, either. There's just this desire to take her down a peg or two. I should know.

I don't think having an ego is all bad--instead, women pretend that they are not competitive, ambitious, or confident in themselves and their abilities. Or women are confident, they just don't express themselves confidently, in fear it will come off as arrogance.

I worry about gender stereotypes in the context of church. Mostly, I worry that women or girls who don't fit into the dominant gender stereotypes (emotional vs. analytical, for example) will feel alienated and as if they are "bad at being a woman."

You Never Marry the Right Job

My dad's a really funny guy. He also gives pretty good advice. I can remember some advice he gave me once, when I was stewing in a post-high-school-what-the-heck-am-I-gonna-do-with-my-life funk:

Just move. Choose a direction, and go in that direction. It's much easier to steer when you're moving.

It was and is still pretty good advice. And I think I'm slightly less anxiety-stricken about the whole "What am I going to be when I grow up?" conundrum.

I can remember posing this question to a handful of college professors my senior year. One of them said, "The more I live life, the more it becomes a question of 'How?' rather than 'What?'" And man, isn't that profound. Another professor said that the movie High Fidelity contained the answer to my question. I've seen the movie High Fidelity, and I still don't know what he's talking about. [If you know, please point me to chapter and verse. Thank you.]

And the more I think about, the more I think that we (naive young persons) tend to view the choice of career as we do the choice of a mate. We believe in "The One."

We believe in that one career, dream, passion that will completely and utterly fulfill us, forever and ever and ever. Find your passion. Follow your dreams. Keep pressing on and don't give up.

Have you read the article, You Never Marry the Right Person? What if you applied this same basic concept to your career?

What if your dream job was occasionally a nightmare? (All y'all filmmakers know exactly what I'm talking about.) What if it required hard work, sacrifice, and doing a bunch of crap you don't wanna do? What if, on some days you can't stand it, and on other days, it outright takes your breath away?

Maybe, just maybe, some people do have "The One"--that one thing they were created to do, that they would wither away without: Einstein and physics, Beethoven and music, Emily Dickinson and poetry...

I know that at times, writing feels less like a hobby and a whole lot more like an identity. I don't just write. I AM a writer. It seems like part of my very being, something I take for granted.

But the more I live and work and write, the less I believe in "The One"--the one job/career/calling that will bring me the fulfillment I think I deserve.

I get a little bit frustrated with people who think that their very identity is tied to a career or artistic endeavor. [You're not an actor, you're a freakin' human being! Your life and identity cannot be encompassed in the word "actor."]

Truth be told, most people are good at more than one thing and find enjoyment in doing more than one thing. For example, I really like my current job. I truly enjoy what I've been learning to do. However, when I think about it as a "career," I freak out.

Can I really see myself doing this for THE NEXT 10 YEARS?!! (They're called commitment issues. Yeah, I know.)

That's the problem with believing in "The One." It breeds panic and a sense of discontent. But there exists the possibility that I only think this way because I have yet to meet the right job/person. Maybe you never meet or find the one, you just meet or find the one that's right for you.

I think we can at least agree that it's possible to marry the WRONG person or job.

And I'm challenged, too, by the words of a friend, from back when I used to work in a warehouse everyday: "You didn't come to LA to pack books into boxes."

Yeah, I didn't. I don't think anyone does, truthfully. No one comes to LA to wait tables either. What then, did I come to LA to do?

This question brings up a mixture of guilt, fear, and avoidance. It's answering this question that asks more of me than I think I can bear.

The Heresy of a Woman with Ambition

[Excerpted and expanded from an email to a friend]

Let me preface this by saying that I will probably have kids someday. But I worry. I worry that having a family will conflict with following my dreams.

A friend once told me that part of his dream for his life was to get married and have a family. So, in other words, to him, having a family and living his dreams wasn't a conflict. I think this is how it should be, ideally speaking.

Of course, for men, having a career and having a family isn't usually seen as a potential conflict. This rests on the assumption that the wife will do most of the child rearing. I don't think that's terribly fair. But then there are plenty of women who want most of all to be wives and mothers, which I find completely valid. I'm just not one of them.

But why, when I bring up my desire to have a career and a family, does a guy my own age feel comfortable telling me, "Well, you probably won't feel that way after you have kids," as if motherhood miraculously transforms all women into selfless beings with no ambitions of their own.

I can remember bringing up in a women's Bible study once that I didn't want to JUST have a family. I was quickly reassured that I didn't have to have a family, I could always not get married or have kids--you know, focus on my career.

But I didn't mean it as an either/or proposition.

So to return to my original point, two things: One, I think that having kids should be part of life, but not life itself. While I agree that parents should love their children self-sacrificially, I also believe that there's more to life than raising kids.

Two, in my ideal world, the husband would be just as involved in raising and nurturing children as the wife. This might not mean that he ends up doing the actual physical work of raising kids--it's more about having the mindset that it is just as much his responsibility as his wife's.

I originally asked: If men have the responsibility to support their families financially by themselves, does this mean that they should pursue careers that will enable them to do so? Or to put it another way, should this goal trump following their dreams/passions/interests etc.?

I think that this either/or mindset--either I follow my dreams or I work to support a family--can cause guys to put off getting married and starting a family--mainly because they do not wish to sacrifice their dreams. (I don't know, but it seems like in Hollywood at least, following your dreams usually means being pretty broke.)

I can relate to that sentiment, but why can't following your dreams coincide with getting married and having kids? The burden on men to be the sole providers seems to contribute to both this unnecessary dichotomy and the unnecessary extension of adolescence (Again, extended adolescence seems more prevalent in LA where the cost of living often necessitates living a college-student-esque existence long after graduating.)

Honestly, what I've seen the most here in LA (and my sample size is pretty limited) is wives making financial sacrifices for their husband's dreams. So, the wife works as a nurse/teacher/accountant/other-paying-profession and the husband writes or works part-time, generally making less money. I wish I could think of examples where the genders were reversed.

I wish this didn't bother me so much. I think the core of it is that whether the wife is working to support her husband financially or taking care of the kids, she always seems to be in service to his dream, his purpose, his aspirations. I get the same feeling when I read that a woman with amazing talent and a successful career "would throw it all out the window tomorrow" if the right guy came along.

Of course, this is reductive, and in many cases simply not true. There are many people who aspire to be teachers, nurses, and accountants, and it has nothing to do with supporting the dreams of another person.

I think our culture tends to both over-romanticize (for lack of a better word) motherhood and the self-sacrificial role that mothers play, while simultaneously denigrating all things seen as "women's work." We undervalue the work of mothers even as we heap on the sentimentality.

But to say that as a woman you value having a career just as much as you value getting married and having a family. Heresy. Flat out.

Don't believe me? Watch how almost every single romantic comedy ever made punishes women for caring about their careers. And the number one punishment? Being single, alone, and unhappy.

SH*T Christian Guys (Who Go to Hipster Churches) Don't Say

Will you go out with me?

I hate plaid.

I would grow a beard, but, I really want to be attractive to women.

No, I don't play the guitar.

My favorite movie? Braveheart.

Skinny jeans are gay.

Go Lakers!

I just want to date a good Christian girl.

This cardigan has too many holes in it. Good Will!

I've been working on the same screenplay for two years, but you know what? I'm tired of eating ramen. I'm going into sales.

Drinking alcohol is wrong.

Fedoras are passé.

Three of my best friends are black.

I'm ready to settle down and get a real job.

...