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| 6/30/15 |
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Prodigal, Nomad, Exile: On Leaving the Church
I've written before about growing up evangelical.
When I first read an article entitled Three Spiritual Journeys of Millenials/Snake People, I thought, that's me! Or more accurately, that's me and my two siblings.
That's because of the three groups they identified--prodigals, nomads, and exiles, each of us fit into a different category:
That will be me in 50 years, trudging home, finally ready to return.
In the meantime, I have all kinds of questions and very few answers:
Am I leaving the evangelical world or merely reinventing and redefining my own faith?
How long is this going to take?
Will I ever feel at home at church?
Will I ever get over my past experiences with church?
Will I ever stop getting sucked into the Christian music nostalgia vortex on youtube?
How did I ever think Carman was cool?
I don't know what coming home will look like. I only know that I won't be the same.
More on the journey:
On Sincerity and Being Raised Evangelical
Why is Church Cliquey?
Why is Church Cliquey, Part 2
Why is Church Cliquey? Part 3
Why is Church Cliquey? Part 4
When I first read an article entitled Three Spiritual Journeys of Millenials/Snake People, I thought, that's me! Or more accurately, that's me and my two siblings.
That's because of the three groups they identified--prodigals, nomads, and exiles, each of us fit into a different category:
My sister was the prodigal.
My brother was the nomad.
I was the exile.
David Kinnaman of the Barna Group defines each category as follows:
Prodigal: "Prodigals are 18-29 year olds who have a Christian background but have lost their faith, describing themselves as 'no longer Christian.'"
Nomad: "Nomads are 18-29 year olds with a Christian background who have walked away from church engagement yet still consider themselves Christians."
Exile: "Exiles are 18-29 year olds who have a Christian background and are still invested in their Christian faith but feel stuck (or lost) between culture and the church."
David Kinnaman of the Barna Group defines each category as follows:
Prodigal: "Prodigals are 18-29 year olds who have a Christian background but have lost their faith, describing themselves as 'no longer Christian.'"
Nomad: "Nomads are 18-29 year olds with a Christian background who have walked away from church engagement yet still consider themselves Christians."
Exile: "Exiles are 18-29 year olds who have a Christian background and are still invested in their Christian faith but feel stuck (or lost) between culture and the church."
My brother, sister, and I are all very close in age--only two years between us.
We have a lot in common. We have the same parents. We were all raised within the same Christian family in the same Christian evangelical culture. We are all third culture kids. We are all children of divorce.
We have a lot in common. We have the same parents. We were all raised within the same Christian family in the same Christian evangelical culture. We are all third culture kids. We are all children of divorce.
All of us professed the Christian faith as kids and into our teenage years. At the time I read this article my sister no longer went to church or considered herself a Christian. My brother had once been involved in his church but no longer attended and participated. And I was a hanger-on, never able to kick the church habit completely, attending sporadically during college and then immediately finding my church when I moved to Los Angeles.
Now, several years later, our roles have shifted yet again: My sister is still the prodigal. My brother attends church and small group regularly. I stopped going to church in the summer of last year and have yet to go back.
So now it would be:
Sister = Prodigal
Brother = Transcending the three categories
Me = Nomad
As I mentioned, there have been gaps in my church involvement before--but this time feels different.
The break from what had been my church wasn't even fully intentional--it was more an accident of circumstance than anything else.
But a profound fatigue seemed to set in every time I thought about looking for another church home.
The break from what had been my church wasn't even fully intentional--it was more an accident of circumstance than anything else.
But a profound fatigue seemed to set in every time I thought about looking for another church home.
I know that at heart, I am not a nomad, but an exile. I cannot get away from church, any more than I can get away from the longing in my own heart to belong somewhere, anywhere.
I've joked about simply skipping this entire "leaving evangelicalism" journey and going instant-Lutheran, à la Rachel Held Evans (I was wrong--she attends an Episcopal church). But in my heart I know that it is not that simple.
I have to first untangle myself from all the flotsam and jetsam of my evangelical upbringing--to, as my dad says, "Take the meat and leave the bones."
In order to come home, I must first leave home.
And as I'm realizing now, it took me a very long time to actually leave--I would rather stay as an exile than leave home and start the journey.
I lingered for too long. I stuck around, even when it hurt. I complained and fretted and criticized and contradicted and sniped. And I bled, oh how I bled, denying my own pain. But I didn't leave.
And there were reasons to leave. There are always reasons:
I have to first untangle myself from all the flotsam and jetsam of my evangelical upbringing--to, as my dad says, "Take the meat and leave the bones."
In order to come home, I must first leave home.
And as I'm realizing now, it took me a very long time to actually leave--I would rather stay as an exile than leave home and start the journey.
I lingered for too long. I stuck around, even when it hurt. I complained and fretted and criticized and contradicted and sniped. And I bled, oh how I bled, denying my own pain. But I didn't leave.
And there were reasons to leave. There are always reasons:
- Sexism (not that all Christians are sexist, but that I always feel like I'm having to fight this battle within what should be a safe space)
- The gap between what evangelical Christianity believes and my own shifting sociopolitical beliefs.
- My former church never talked about systematic racism or inequality.
- The excruciating nature of church dating
But now, due to extenuating circumstances, I finally left. I think everyone was a bit relieved, including myself.
It's no coincidence that I am currently reading Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son.
I'm sure there are some people who don't have to leave in order to return. I'm not sure if I'm one of them. I wish I'd left sooner, partially because everything in my life seems to take a really, really long time. I'm like the reverse-energizer-bunny, the sloth of spiritual and emotional growth:
It's no coincidence that I am currently reading Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son.
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| Return of the Prodigal Son - by Rembrandt Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons |
That will be me in 50 years, trudging home, finally ready to return.
In the meantime, I have all kinds of questions and very few answers:
Am I leaving the evangelical world or merely reinventing and redefining my own faith?
How long is this going to take?
Will I ever feel at home at church?
Will I ever get over my past experiences with church?
Will I ever stop getting sucked into the Christian music nostalgia vortex on youtube?
How did I ever think Carman was cool?
I don't know what coming home will look like. I only know that I won't be the same.
More on the journey:
On Sincerity and Being Raised Evangelical
Why is Church Cliquey?
Why is Church Cliquey, Part 2
Why is Church Cliquey? Part 3
Why is Church Cliquey? Part 4
Monday, June 22, 2015
Day by Day: The Quantified Self: Morning Pages
I recently started doing the Artist's Way study. Described as "A spiritual path to higher creativity," it's basically rehab and recovery for your creative, artistic, imaginative self.
One of the core components of the book is something called morning pages: everyday, you wake up early and write three pages, stream-of-consciousness--no stopping, no editing (free-writing).
I've kept a journal since I was 11 and I've always been partial to writing longhand. But at the suggestion of someone else in my study group, I started using an online app called 750 Words.
The premise is simple: Write at least 750 words every day. That's it.
So far it's been extremely helpful. Something about going to the same place online everyday and seeing virtual confirmation of my consistency and word count makes a big difference. Plus, 750 Words will give you a breakdown of not only your words per minute, but also things like what you are feeling and thinking (I know, it's weird).
There is also the opportunity to include metadata in your daily entires. I haven't tried this feature yet, but it would be interesting to graph everyday data as a quantified self.
I just discovered this feature: If you click back on your daily entires, there's an option to view your words with the analytics applied, explaining how they come up with their results.
750 words is free for the first month. After that it is $5/month.
There is also a free French site that operates on the same concept. I haven't used it yet, but I may be giving it go when my free trial runs out at 750 Words.
So far I've been writing (almost) everyday, sometimes longhand, sometimes in the app. I highly recommend trying morning pages no matter what the medium. They provide a blank space in which to reflect, rant, process, emote, feel good, feel bad, feel into.
Morning pages are awesome.
One of the core components of the book is something called morning pages: everyday, you wake up early and write three pages, stream-of-consciousness--no stopping, no editing (free-writing).
I've kept a journal since I was 11 and I've always been partial to writing longhand. But at the suggestion of someone else in my study group, I started using an online app called 750 Words.
The premise is simple: Write at least 750 words every day. That's it.
So far it's been extremely helpful. Something about going to the same place online everyday and seeing virtual confirmation of my consistency and word count makes a big difference. Plus, 750 Words will give you a breakdown of not only your words per minute, but also things like what you are feeling and thinking (I know, it's weird).
 |
| Accurate. |
 |
| Hmm. Not accurate. Though I do love bacon. |
Granted, some of the conclusions feel either far-fetched or a bit obvious (it regularly records that my mindset is "introverted" when I write--no kidding).
 |
| Sounds about right. |
 |
| Hug me. Now. |
There is also the opportunity to include metadata in your daily entires. I haven't tried this feature yet, but it would be interesting to graph everyday data as a quantified self.
I just discovered this feature: If you click back on your daily entires, there's an option to view your words with the analytics applied, explaining how they come up with their results.
 |
| Choose the second option. |
750 words is free for the first month. After that it is $5/month.
There is also a free French site that operates on the same concept. I haven't used it yet, but I may be giving it go when my free trial runs out at 750 Words.
So far I've been writing (almost) everyday, sometimes longhand, sometimes in the app. I highly recommend trying morning pages no matter what the medium. They provide a blank space in which to reflect, rant, process, emote, feel good, feel bad, feel into.
Morning pages are awesome.
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3
In this part of the series, we talk about how to give more f***s:
Maybe you're an INTP and you wish to give more of a f***. Think of it not as changing your basic nature, but as an opportunity for self-growth. If you are in conflict with someone about how much you care, here are some suggestions:
Instead of getting defensive, get curious
I've definitely been guilty of flying into a defensive frenzy every time someone accuses me of not giving a f***.
"But, BUT..."
It's so easy to go there. But so much more productive to get quiet and get curious--not about who's to blame, or what's wrong with the other person, or what's wrong with me--but about what's really going on.
And in the quiet, to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, no more, no less.
To resist any shame
To notice patterns
To find the humility in myself that will help me reconcile with the other person.
Apologize
Take responsibility if you have offended someone. This doesn't mean feeling bad about yourself. It does mean giving a f*** about other people's feelings.
You don't have to admit to being a horrible, defective person. You just have to admit that in this particular instance, what you said or did hurt someone else's feelings, and you take responsibility for that.
Don't fake it
As an INTP, even though I know, rationally, that faking it a little bit would probably make my life a lot easier, I still can't bring myself to do it or tell other people to do it.
If you don't give a f***, you don't give f***. Find something that you do give a f*** about and focus on that. You couldn't care less about emptying the dishwasher. But you care about your boyfriend's happiness.
It's okay to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept responsibility for--there are some things that are simply outside of your control such as:
Whether or not the other person chooses to accept your apology or hold a grudge forever.
How insecure the other person feels about their position of authority or the relationship.
How quickly the other person is able to let go of their anger.
The wounded pride or ego of another person.
You might come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can reasonably do (as a reasonable person) to get the other person on your side.
Don't fake it. Hold on to your boundaries and your integrity and don't accept the burden of shame from another person (or even yourself, for that matter). You don't have to fall on your own sword multiple times to get the other person to forgive you. If you find yourself doing this, it might be a sign that the other person is just not willing to let it go.
And that's not something you can control.
So you've apologized without defensiveness or shame. Next up, to improve the relationship:
Give detailed, specific, positive feedback at every opportunity
This may go against your nature, somewhat, as in, "Of course he knows I think he's doing good work. We don't need to say it out loud" or "Of course she knows I love her. Romance is stupid."
But not everyone has this same attitude. You might need to verbalize the "obvious" for people to feel liked or appreciated, rather than tolerated or taken for granted.
Just be honest. You don't have to fake it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If it feels at all icky or manipulative (as when you do this with a boss or a person in a position of power), just remind yourself that you are simply stating what you actually feel or think. Role-play with a friend if you have to.
If you worry about your tone of voice (I tend to sound innately skeptical in almost every interaction), write it instead.
You can do it!
Cultivate Gratitude about the little things
It's easy for me to be negative and critical, rather than cultivating gratitude for the little things in life. Honestly, I don't think my personality is going to change anytime soon (intensity FTW), but I do recognize and appreciate the people around me who always seem to look on the sunny side of life.
I mean, sometimes they irritate the crap out of me.
But more often than not, they defuse some of my own negativity.
Hang out with these people, if at all possible. They might not help you give more of a f***, but they can help soften a few of your rough edges.
It is possible to get along without going along--to hold on to your best qualities as an INTP (independence of thought and action, for example) without being a complete asshole.
For help dealing with the INTP in your life, go here.
Maybe you're an INTP and you wish to give more of a f***. Think of it not as changing your basic nature, but as an opportunity for self-growth. If you are in conflict with someone about how much you care, here are some suggestions:
Instead of getting defensive, get curious
I've definitely been guilty of flying into a defensive frenzy every time someone accuses me of not giving a f***.
"But, BUT..."
It's so easy to go there. But so much more productive to get quiet and get curious--not about who's to blame, or what's wrong with the other person, or what's wrong with me--but about what's really going on.
And in the quiet, to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, no more, no less.
To resist any shame
To notice patterns
To find the humility in myself that will help me reconcile with the other person.
Apologize
Take responsibility if you have offended someone. This doesn't mean feeling bad about yourself. It does mean giving a f*** about other people's feelings.
You don't have to admit to being a horrible, defective person. You just have to admit that in this particular instance, what you said or did hurt someone else's feelings, and you take responsibility for that.
Don't fake it
As an INTP, even though I know, rationally, that faking it a little bit would probably make my life a lot easier, I still can't bring myself to do it or tell other people to do it.
If you don't give a f***, you don't give f***. Find something that you do give a f*** about and focus on that. You couldn't care less about emptying the dishwasher. But you care about your boyfriend's happiness.
It's okay to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept responsibility for--there are some things that are simply outside of your control such as:
Whether or not the other person chooses to accept your apology or hold a grudge forever.
How insecure the other person feels about their position of authority or the relationship.
How quickly the other person is able to let go of their anger.
The wounded pride or ego of another person.
You might come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can reasonably do (as a reasonable person) to get the other person on your side.
Don't fake it. Hold on to your boundaries and your integrity and don't accept the burden of shame from another person (or even yourself, for that matter). You don't have to fall on your own sword multiple times to get the other person to forgive you. If you find yourself doing this, it might be a sign that the other person is just not willing to let it go.
And that's not something you can control.
 |
| The INTP & Conflict: Getting along without going along |
Give detailed, specific, positive feedback at every opportunity
This may go against your nature, somewhat, as in, "Of course he knows I think he's doing good work. We don't need to say it out loud" or "Of course she knows I love her. Romance is stupid."
But not everyone has this same attitude. You might need to verbalize the "obvious" for people to feel liked or appreciated, rather than tolerated or taken for granted.
Just be honest. You don't have to fake it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If it feels at all icky or manipulative (as when you do this with a boss or a person in a position of power), just remind yourself that you are simply stating what you actually feel or think. Role-play with a friend if you have to.
If you worry about your tone of voice (I tend to sound innately skeptical in almost every interaction), write it instead.
You can do it!
Cultivate Gratitude about the little things
It's easy for me to be negative and critical, rather than cultivating gratitude for the little things in life. Honestly, I don't think my personality is going to change anytime soon (intensity FTW), but I do recognize and appreciate the people around me who always seem to look on the sunny side of life.
I mean, sometimes they irritate the crap out of me.
But more often than not, they defuse some of my own negativity.
Hang out with these people, if at all possible. They might not help you give more of a f***, but they can help soften a few of your rough edges.
It is possible to get along without going along--to hold on to your best qualities as an INTP (independence of thought and action, for example) without being a complete asshole.
For help dealing with the INTP in your life, go here.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Day by Day: The Quantified Self: Sketching
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
"I spent my life making sure that people in Germany would be able to watch CSI, season 13."
"I spent my life eating ice cream to battle the heat, while refusing to turn on the AC."
"I spent my life talking to people and asking questions."
"I spent my life doing fun things with friends."
Each of these is true, in their own way--
I started reading about the quantified self via Sacha Chua and her index card sketches. I also downloaded the Cardflow app on my iPad (I'm loving it so far!)
By sketching out what I do on any particular day on a virtual index card, I can record and visualize both how I am spending my life and whether I am living all that I can, à la Henry James.
Hopefully, this will be the first in a series about using different apps to record life on a day-by-day basis in different mediums: words, pictures, video, etc.
-Annie Dillard
"Live all you can; It's a mistake not to."
-Henry James
At my last job, we had these awesome whiteboard walls--four blank canvases for thoughts, ideas, sketches, possibilities.
I adored those walls.
They opened up a new way of thinking for me--visually, rather than analytically--by nature, I am less likely to draw something and much more likely to write it out. Like in a blog, for example.
I can't draw. Okay, I can barely draw. Stick figures are a challenge.
But since then, I've been looking for a way to add some kind of data visualization to my life.
I am also what you might call "between jobs" (unemployed), and so with large blocks of unscheduled time (*gulp*), I want to quantify in some way how I am spending my life.
I use the term "quantify" loosely--I might eventually get to actual numbers and graphs. We'll see.
"I spent my life marathoning 'Breaking Bad.'"
"Live all you can; It's a mistake not to."
-Henry James
At my last job, we had these awesome whiteboard walls--four blank canvases for thoughts, ideas, sketches, possibilities.
I adored those walls.
They opened up a new way of thinking for me--visually, rather than analytically--by nature, I am less likely to draw something and much more likely to write it out. Like in a blog, for example.
I can't draw. Okay, I can barely draw. Stick figures are a challenge.
But since then, I've been looking for a way to add some kind of data visualization to my life.
I am also what you might call "between jobs" (unemployed), and so with large blocks of unscheduled time (*gulp*), I want to quantify in some way how I am spending my life.
I use the term "quantify" loosely--I might eventually get to actual numbers and graphs. We'll see.
"I spent my life marathoning 'Breaking Bad.'"
"I spent my life making sure that people in Germany would be able to watch CSI, season 13."
"I spent my life eating ice cream to battle the heat, while refusing to turn on the AC."
"I spent my life talking to people and asking questions."
"I spent my life doing fun things with friends."
Each of these is true, in their own way--
I started reading about the quantified self via Sacha Chua and her index card sketches. I also downloaded the Cardflow app on my iPad (I'm loving it so far!)
By sketching out what I do on any particular day on a virtual index card, I can record and visualize both how I am spending my life and whether I am living all that I can, à la Henry James.
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| My attempt |
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| Inspiration. Photo by Sacha Chua |
Friday, June 19, 2015
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
In my first post, I didn't really address how to get an INTP to give more f***s. That will be addressed from two perspectives:
One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.
Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.
Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.
Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.
Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:
Don't take it personally.
If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.
So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.
You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.
Directly confront them if they offended you
Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.
This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.
But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.
Don't make it personal.
This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:
Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.
The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.
Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.
It's much easier said than done.
Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.
Maybe.
Never back them into a corner.
I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.
Examples of backing someone into a corner:
"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."
Deliberately ask them to shift their focus
Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:
"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"
"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"
If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.
As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.
The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
You can't change how someone feels
Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.
This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.
It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.
I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.
Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.
In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.
Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
One, you are an INTP and you sense that someone wants you to give more f***s than you are currently giving.
Two, you work with or date or otherwise interact with an INTP and you wish that they would give a f***. This is for you too.
Warning: There may be a definite limit to the number of f***s the INTP can give. Attempts to elicit more f***s will result in system failure. You have been warned.
Okay. So you have an INTP friend, coworker, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse and they don't seem to care about what you care about. Perhaps she said something and it hurt your feelings. Perhaps he never loads the dishwasher and this is really starting to get on your nerves.
Here's how to get an INTP to give a f***:
 |
| Somehow, I don't think this is how it goes down. |
If an INTP comes across as rude or uncaring, she may simply be absorbed or hyper-focused. It's not that you don't matter. You DO matter. It's just that right now you matter slightly less than figuring out why the post command on the title PGC is causing the program to crash.
So if her eyes are glazing over as you talk about the latest enhancements in bluetooth technology, it might not be that she doesn't care (well, maybe), but that she hasn't had time to shift her focus from closed, problem-solving mode to receptive, social interaction mode.
You can wait for her to come out of the depths, or you can say something to the effect of, "I really need you right now. Enhancements to bluetooth technology are blowing my mind and I must be heard!" Both of these are perfectly valid options.
Directly confront them if they offended you
Maybe you suspect that the INTP is trying to undercut you, make you look bad in front of other people, prove that she is better than you are, etc. This is doubtful. Subtle power games are very rarely an INTP's forte. She's probably too busy figuring out how to write an algorithm that solves writer's block to specifically target your insecurities.
This is not to completely side with the poor, defenseless, misunderstood INTP. God knows, I have put my foot in my mouth many a time. And I admit that fully, without justification or rationalization.
But better to directly confront what she said or did that offended you, than to assume that she is waging a calculated campaign against your self-esteem.
Don't make it personal.
This one is tricky. The obvious advice is:
- Don't yell or use emotional language, "You always," "You never," etc..
- Use "I" statements and focus on the effects of her actions/attitude/words on you.
Even if she does give in, this is false submission, and she will resent you for it.
The less obvious advice: Take out your own trash.
Everyone has insecurities and painful emotions that they deal with, sometimes every single day, sometimes every single moment of every single day. As much as you can, try to make it a priority to take out your own trash--this means not projecting your own insecurity onto someone else's indifference. This means dealing with your pain as much as possible. This means being angry, but not taking it out on someone who doesn't have the power to fight back.
It's much easier said than done.
Maybe the zero-f***-giving of the INTP is opening up a space for you--the space between your expectations and reality. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a space in which you can confront not the INTP, not the "bad attitude" or indifference of another person, but yourself.
Maybe.
Never back them into a corner.
I mean, seriously. Don't back anyone into a corner. Don't threaten her job or his entire relationship with you. Not unless you want them to leave/quit/break up with you. If you do, then go for it.
Examples of backing someone into a corner:
"If you really loved me, you would empty the dishwasher!"
"You didn't send me this progress report on time, so clearly, you don't give a f*** about this job."
"I must be a terrible friend, because you refuse to watch "Scandal" with me."
Deliberately ask them to shift their focus
Shifting from one priority to another can take a lot of effort for anyone. Sample script:
"I know I asked you to spend time working on X, but Y just came up, and it needs a lot of work. Would you focus on Y instead, for the time being?"
"I know I mentioned that it's very important to me that you always load the dishwasher a certain way. I realized that what I really wanted was for you to load the dishwasher at least every other day. Would you mind doing that?"
If you are in a friendship or relationship with an INTP (or anyone else), it is perfectly okay to specifically request what you need.
As I mentioned, it is a good idea to be both specific, and deliberate. Spell it out if you have to.
The INTP does give a f*** about you, or they wouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
You can't change how someone feels
Often, it is not that the INTP does not give a f***--they very much do. It's that she does not give a f*** about what you want her to give a f*** about.
This could all be based on miscommunication, i.e. she doesn't know that something is really important to you or that it bothers you.
It could also be based on domination and power struggle: You think that by "making" the INTP give a f*** (possibly by making them suffer or pay a price), you are asserting your authority as the boss, parent, professor, pastor.
I would tread carefully here: It is possible to control someone else's actions in a certain sphere if you are in a position of power. It is nigh impossible to control how someone feels, without resorting to abusive or coercive tactics.
Power struggles over things like "respect" are suspect to me--you can never force someone to respect you, you can only force them to pretend as if they do. This just seems unhealthy all around.
In Part 3, I'll talk about how an INTP can give more f***s if they so wish.
Relationship advice for the INTP
INTP = Asshole?
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
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