Like a Kick in the Ass

Welcome! Do you need need some slightly violent motivation? You've come to the right place! Tis the season for a kick in the butt.

Is there a novel you've always wanted to write? An exercise regimen you've been meaning to start? A guy or girl you've had your eye on for a few weeks (years) now?

There are only three rules here: 

No shame
No blame
No excuses

In my opinion, a kick in the ass has nothing to do with exposing your character flaws or blaming you for not meeting your goals. Besides, shame is a terrible motivator! No, this is about giving you the right push in the right direction so you can take action. You can do it!

As for "no excuses," there will be no, "The economy is terrible right now" or "You're right, there really are no Ryan Gosling lookalikes out there who can change a tire, read Dostoyevsky and make a mean peanut butter chocolate cheesecake (at the same time)." 

In sum, the time for sympathy has passed. The time for ass-kicking has arrived. 

You hate your job:

No! Stop updating your LinkedIn profile!! Go out there and actually APPLY for a JOB. It doesn't have to be your dream job. It just has to be a job. Better yet, contact someone you know and ask them if they've heard of any openings (More effective than applying to some random job on craigslist and an excuse to reach out to an old friend. It's a win/win).

You're getting paid less than you deserve:

Ask for a raise. Write out, point by point, why you deserve a raise--not why you need a raise (to pay for that Sock Panda subscription), but why you are such a stellar employee and how you've contributed to the health and well-being of your company.

You want to start eating healthier: 

Put down that donut! Kidding. I love donuts. I've got nothing for you. Sorry. You're on your own with this one. 

You like someone but haven't asked them out: 

Ask them out. What do you have to lose other than your dignity, your self-respect, and every last shred of fear that's holding you back? That's right. Show that fear who's boss. 

You're in an abusive relationship...with facebook: 

You deserve better. Anything or anyone that demands that much of your time but gives so little back deserves to be cut out of your life. Or at least limited. 

You haven't signed up for health insurance yet: 

DAMMIT! SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

You call yourself a filmmaker but haven't actually made a film at any point in the recent past: 

*crickets*

None of these apply to you? 

Here's a trick. Think of someone you know who really needs a kick in the ass. Write out what you would say to them if you were really being honest. Now read it back and apply it to yourself. [It's called projection. I know this because I'm in therapy.]

Or, think of yourself 1, 2, 5 years ago. Think about what you needed to hear at the time. Write it down. Apply it to your current situation. 

Or, even better, write a letter to yourself from the future (no shame, no blame, no excuses). Send it. 

You're welcome. 

"But I don't have any power" or Why "privilege" is a dirty word

The more I'm not supposed to talk about something, the more I want to talk about it, so:

Privilege. Privilege. Privilege. PRIVILEGE!!!

The other day, some guy called my friend a "slut."

Now, it was all in good fun. [Not in good taste, perhaps, but certainly in good fun.]

Not to get into the semantics of it all, but my friend is not a "slut."

Guess what. He was using the term ironically.

I know. I KNOW. So freaking clever. I cannot even.

So--back to my story:

He called her a slut. [As is his God-given right.]

She objected to the term. [As is her God-given right. Assuming God grants rights for these sorts of things.]

"It was a joke."

[There's nothing worse than a girl who won't take a joke--especially if it concerns her sexual honor.]

As jokes go, I guess it was passable if a bit too easy [ha ha].

But besides being politically incorrect, what's wrong with playfully calling someone a slut?

Power.

That's right. You are implying that you (a man) have the power to make a value judgement (slut) about me (a woman) based on [the number of people I've slept with, the clothes I'm wearing, the way I carry myself, how I choose to interact with you, etc.]

Playful? Yes. Affectionate? Perhaps. Power play? Absolutely.

"But I don't have any power."

To determine if you have any power, ask yourself:

If the tables were turned and a woman called me a slut (in jest), would the word carry the same negative connotations [mean the same thing]?

The icky, uncomfortable truth:

Women, historically, have been shamed for their sexuality in ways that men never have. Words like "slut" have been used and are used to shame and control women and their sexuality.

[Notice that this is not about what you actually believe. Maybe you think women should never be shamed for their sexuality, or maybe this is all part of your plan to subtly shame even women who fit within your narrow definitions of "not a slut," in which case, bravo.]

I realize this is not your fault.

But realize that you have the power in this situation.

It's not fair. It's not right. It's not your fault. I get it.  You're poor and have no health insurance. You take the bus everyday because you don't have a car. You're uncomfortable with the idea of power. You voted for the other guy. You've worked hard for every break you ever got. You have a lot of black friends. You don't go through your day thinking, "I wonder what's on Netflix, AND OH BY THE WAY, who can I oppress next?"

It's uncomfortable. It's unfortunate. It's unfair.

But I'm not sorry for pointing it out. I'm not sorry at all.



More on privilege:

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

The Male Privilege Checklist

INTP = Asshole?

This is not a new topic, but I thought I'd tackle it, settling once-and-for-all the debate: Does INTP = Asshole?

YES

Yes, INTPs can be assholes. Now, calm down--this is not as bad as it sounds.

Let's pretend for a moment that INTPs have a significant blind spot when it comes to social interactions. There's a gap between how the INTP sees herself and the reality of how she comes off to others. Illustration below:

I                                                                                                                  REALITY
N             
T
P

I would get so much done if I didn't have to eat, shower or interact with other human beings.

[I find this illustration hilarious for some reason.]

So, the INTP might view himself as honest, straightforward and direct ("I like to get straight to the point, no beating around the bush").

Other people find him blunt, abrasive, cold, aloof and insensitive.

You might think of it as lacking a certain kind of social filter, i.e. there are some things that are okay to think but not okay to say out loud. In front of people.

[Welcome to my world.]

There's a corollary to this: the INTP is usually so hyper-focused on one particular thing that nothing else seems to matter.

It's not that the INTP doesn't care about your feelings. But she is staring so intently at the mark on the wall that everything else has fallen away, including, sadly any sense of tact or human decency.

In the INTP's defense, the insensitivity is not intentionally malicious or meant to cause harm, but of course at this point the intention of the remark is less important than the content.

[I'm sorry.]

On the other hand, if you question the competence of an INTP, he may very well react negatively and lash out in anger.

It's that combination of being seemingly insensitive to the feelings of others while also highly sensitive to certain kinds of slights that paints the INTP as kind of a jerk, and a hypocritical one at that.

[Ending on somewhat of a dark note here.]

NO

If INTP's were truly assholes, blog posts like this would not exist, because being an asshole implies a sense of entitlement (often blind):

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

(Aaron James, Assholes: A Theory)

If you were really an asshole, you wouldn't devote 753 words to determining your status. You'd be out letting your dog take a crap on someone else's lawn, not a care in the world.

[Those dirtbags.]

MAYBE

No discussion of INTPs and assholery would be complete without discussing arrogance.

[Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement just a little too vigorously.]

Remember the illustration above? Chances are what other people consider arrogance, the INTP simply considers "being right 99% of the time" or "almost always being the smartest person in the room." I exaggerate, but statements that appear overweening to others generally strike the INTP as just the facts, ma'am.

In their own way, INTPs are truth-tellers. And this can get them into trouble.

APPLICATION

So, you're an INTP and someone thinks you're an asshole. Or just plain doesn't like you.

Think about it, did you:

A. Say something that could have been taken the wrong way?
B. Lash out because you felt personally attacked?
C. Have no idea why they don't like you?

If it's one of the first two, apologizing might go a long way. But if it's the third--

At a certain point, I think it's healthy and mature to not take it personally if someone hates your guts.

I've had instances where someone wasn't quite won over by my winning personality (surprising, I know), and as best as I could tell, their own feelings of insecurity were the primary reason--not something I did or something I said (though it's possible something I did or something I said sparked those feelings).

The best I can do in these situations is confront the person and ask if I've done anything to offend them, and if so, apologize. 

But ultimately, how someone feels about me is not up to me. I can call someone out on their passive-aggressive behavior, initiate the "Are we okay?" talk, and say I'm sorry--but that's about the extent of it. 

If I could give any advice to any fellow INTPs out there, I would say:

Embrace humility in your interpersonal relationships, BUT run far, far away from shame or anything else trying to convince you that you're defective (you're not).

In conclusion, INTPs can be arrogant, insensitive and abrasive.

But are they assholes?

Naw.

More on INTPs:

The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 1
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 2
The INTP & Giving Zero Fucks, Part 3
Everyone Wants to Date an INTP
The INTP and the Missing "Nice"
The INTP in the Workplace, Part 1

Why is Church Cliquey? Part 2

At the beginning of the year I wrote a post called Why is Church Cliquey?

This is a topic close to my heart. Maybe it's because I've felt like an outsider my whole life, but to me the message of belonging offered by Jesus is too good to be true, too difficult to pass up, and too compelling to ignore. I believe in a God who says,

"You belong to me."

And throughout my life, I've had powerful experiences of love, belonging and acceptance. I've also felt alone, ignored, rejected and depressed.

I've been coming to terms with never feeling fully accepted anywhere or anytime. That being a foreigner runs deep, deep.

So when people responded to "Why is Church Cliquey?" with "No, duh. Church is cliquey because people are cliquey. Deal with it"--

I could feel the anger rising.

For me (and others) there's the strong sense that this is not the way things should be. And this blog post is me saying that this is not the way things should be:

If I'm rejected everywhere else, I should be accepted at church.

If I'm bullied at school, I should be safe in my youth group.

If I feel alienated, lonely, excluded or isolated, I should find radical acceptance in the embrace of my brother, my sister.

If I feel singled out because of my race, gender, culture, nationality, family background or sexual orientation, I should feel like a whole person in the presence of God and his people.

I'm inspired by the insights of one of my friends, whose response I've excerpted below (with permission):

"The problem with church is that one of the major tenets of Christianity is that you are supposed to belong to the group. We're the Body of Christ, therefore we are bound together in some way. It is your 'family.'

"If co-workers reject me, so what, they're the 'world.' If non-Christians reject me, good, it means I am different. If Christians reject me, if I find that I don't belong to that group...where do I go?? I've set my back to the world, picked up my cross to follow Jesus, and am trying to join the others who've done that.

"So when I am in that church lobby with the hundred or so people I know and no one speaks to me or catches my eye or returns my desperate waves as I say goodbye to the air, I care about that rejection in a way that I don't care about when I'm getting coffee in the lunch room and two co-workers are ignoring me, or when the guys at Starbucks aren't saying hello. My faith is on the line. Part of the faith is that I belong. If I don't belong I'm not a real Christian.

"Another tenet of fitting in is wanting to look good. I think that is a big part of the Church--they want to attract people to it, so they showcase the edgy, relevant side of things. They don't want to be 'your mother's church' or even 'your mid-western church.' So the cool kids get center stage--they are the ones in the band, on the stage.

"But most people drawn to Jesus aren't all that together: we're the nerdy ones, the socially awkward ones, the ones that don't fit in with the world and have a hard time adjusting. We're the uncool, and we don't fit in at work, with our families, with the world at large. If we can't fit in at church, we're sunk."

That's the thing about Christianity--it's meant to be radically inclusive.

In Christ there is no Other--neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, popular nor nerdy, cool nor uncool, eastside nor westside, Bruins nor Trojans.

So what can we do if church feels cliquey?

In a city like LA, the most visible Other is the homeless man or woman. [Homeless people often make token appearances in screenplays, short stories, short films, etc. as either wise-beyond-their-social-status, comic relief, or tragic heroes. See also, the Magical Vagrant.] I believe churches (mine included) go out their way to love and care for the most vulnerable population in their midst, which is awesome.

But I think it's possible to look deeper.

First, we can admit that we as Christians seem to value exactly what the world values: good looks, fashion sense, youth, a "promising career," talent, fame, money, good production values, etc.

We can acknowledge that inequality exists in the world. We can acknowledge that racism exists (yes, still). We can acknowledge that sexism exists. We can acknowledge that homophobia exists. We can acknowledge that, yes, sometimes people are discriminated against because of systemic injustice and not because of anything they did wrong.

We can acknowledge that some people struggle with belonging more than others. We can acknowledge that race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. can influence the extent to which a person is accepted (or feels accepted).

We can stop pretending that when a person walks into a church the way that they look has nothing to do with how they are treated.

Sometimes (speaking as an outsider here), I just want acknowledgment of the reality that though we may all be equal in the eyes of God, we are not all equal in the eyes of that hiring manager, that apartment supervisor, that closed group of friends.

Second, we can ask questions:

Should I be uncomfortable if the church I go to is full of people who look exactly like me?

What do I do when I look around my small group and realize we're all educated 20-somethings with very similar entertainment career aspirations and theological viewpoints?

Who is the "Other" in my life? Who do I avoid?

Third, we can listen.

People feel like they don't belong for a variety of reasons. These reasons can be internal, external, personality-related, rooted in past experiences, etc.

Listen to those on the outside or those who feel like they're on the outside. Don't dismiss their thoughts or feelings about being excluded. Don't tell them that how they feel is wrong. That's not listening.

Don't say, "Maybe you should try harder to make friends." Don't chalk it up to, "Well, that's just the way it is." Don't give advice like, "You shouldn't care so much about what other people think. At least God accepts you." That's not listening.

Just listen. Maybe they have valid concerns about how the church is too white, too hipster, too middle-class. Maybe they have something to say about decades of oppression they feel the church has perpetuated or participated in.

Don't get defensive. That's not listening.

To recap:

Acknowledge.
Ask Questions.
Listen.

Remember what it felt like to be rejected and excluded back in fourth grade. We've all been there. We are all the Other. Who hasn't felt lonely, disconnected, alienated or alone? It's a universal human experience.

I think sometimes it makes us uncomfortable to hear people say that they feel like they don't belong. It's just not done. It's as if we're trying desperately to ward off those traumatic memories from middle school, as if "not belonging" were a contagious disease best quarantined as quickly as possible with denial and Jesus bandaids.

But what if it's okay.

If God is not intimidated by the depth of our need to belong, maybe we can acknowledge, ask, and listen. And offer just a small taste of the belonging and acceptance that is already ours.

Because we belong to God.


Next: Why is church cliquey? Part 3

Femininity & The Blank Slate or Why I'm Not Flattered When a Stranger Tells Me I'm Pretty

This has bothered me for a while. 

Every time (yes, generalizing) a girl/woman tells a story about unwanted male attention (catcalling, harassment on the street, being asked out by a stranger, having her personal space invaded,  getting a sexually explicit fb message), someone chimes in with the equivalent of: 

"Jeez, he was just trying to pay you a compliment / be friendly / make a personal connection / ask you on a date." 

In every other situation I encounter in life, I'm supposed to be an adult, which means I have thoughts, I have values, I have past experiences, I have a modicum of practical sense, etc. 

But in this one specific scenario, I'm supposed to be a complete blank, approaching every fresh encounter with a new man as if I had just stepped off planet xx and this was the first time someone had ever told me to "Smile, Beautiful!"

And instead of thanking him or smiling sweetly, I flip him off.

And when I tell the story, someone I know (male) defends that guy on the street (or on the social network). 

"Why can't you give him the benefit of the doubt?" 

So...it's okay for him to objectify me and reduce me to an adjective [My name isn't "Beautiful," you asshat. Oh wait, it is. Nevermind.]

But I must ascribe to him thoughts, feelings, a deep and meaningful history of respect for all women, and, especially, that "he's not like all other guys."

He gets to be an individual with a unique background, history and cultural context, and how dare I treat him as anything less than a unique and special human being. I get to be "a pretty little thing."

"You're being so judgmental."

I mean, right. Maybe he's a really nice guy. Maybe he wouldn't hurt a flying cockroach if it landed in his beef bourguignon. Maybe he loves children, candy necklaces and riding escalators at the mall.

Well, welcome to my world, where making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences and not making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences can mean the difference between life and lying dead in ditch somewhere, to put it subtly.

Have you not watched a single episode of Law & Order: SVU? Evolutionarily-speaking, it's better to assume the worst.

This is what doesn't make sense to me. It's okay for me to follow my instincts EXCEPT when I don't respond favorably to a man's romantic overtures, or at least act a little bit flattered that, gee whiz, someone thinks I'm pretty!

"You should be flattered that someone finds you attractive."

The opinion of a total stranger > My safety, sanity and desire to appear in a public place without being harassed.

There's also the not-so-subtle threat: 

Someday you won't be attractive anymore and no one will think you're pretty or make obscene gestures at you from the safety of their motor vehicles AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE, HUH?? AT LEAST SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, CAN'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE!!!

Yet another reminder that my primary value as a woman lies in how attractive I am to the opposite sex.

And how to explain the anger some men seem to feel when a woman resists objectification or even--how dare she--complains about it.

I mean, a woman who finds her value within herself without any reference to outside male validation--

How unappealing.

Why You're Not Angry Enough

Because he's a really nice guy. One of the nicest you've ever met.

Because if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.

Because you don't want him to think you're crazy, emotional, irrational, PMSing, or all of the above.

Because maybe this is God's will.

Because you don't want to scare the boys away.

Because what's done is done. You can't change the past.

Because if you're angry, you might start crying.

Because if you're angry, you might be told to "calm down," "don't over-think it" (too late), "you need to lighten up."

Because what happened to me wasn't all that bad.

Because God doesn't like it when you're angry.

Because if you're not nice, then you're a bitch, and you don't want to be a bitch.

Because women are allowed to be angry, but not too angry. [See, "And you'll scare the boys away," above.]

Because your parents did the best that they could.

Because anger feels like a destructive emotion, and you don't want to destroy anything (except patriarchy, of course).

Because you want to protect him.

Because you want to protect her.

Because maybe I led him on.

Because maybe I deserved it.

Because maybe it was my fault.

Because you don't want to "hold onto unforgiveness" or "allow bitterness to take root."

Because why can't you let go already and stop blaming other people for your problems?

Because anger hurts.

Because we don't talk about that in this house.

Because no one will ever love you if you're angry.

Facebook & The Outrage Machine

I can't BELIEVE something like this would happen in AMERICA!!!!

WHERE HAVE ALL THE REAL MEN GONE!!???

Proof that all politicians are SLIME and a giant BOIL on the face of humanity!!

Sound familiar? 

Welcome to the outrage machine. The only rule of the outrage machine: Be angry. Very, very angry.

And there's a lot to be angry about, in this world. Just look at the news: rape, murder, genocide, natural disaster, child neglect and abuse, and on and on. Too many terrible things, too few Twitter characters to contain them all.

Outrage is often the best response--or if not the best, then the most instinctive.

That being said, I'm taking a step back and looking at outrage from several different angles.

Outrage as drug

The dirty little secret about outrage is that it feels good. It feels right. It feels righteous.

Surely righteous anger has been the catalyst for many courageous and revolutionary movements throughout history.

Anger can rouse us from depression, from angst, from feeling like a victim, from passivity, from fear.

But what if it becomes a drug? What if outrage forges familiar neural pathways that we revisit over and over and over again?

Outrage as manipulation

A lot of the outrage on facebook (or other forms of social media) is manipulative, flat out. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but it does make it too easy--

Too easy to go to that place of outrage, to the chest-heaving, eye-dilating, fist-clenching, teeth-gritting, heart-racing automatic and autonomic response.

Some of us have that one facebook friend who functions as our own personal outrage machine. I used to have one of those. Then I blocked their feed. It was that simple. I had so much free time on my hands I took up knitting AND making pie crust from scratch. I was a much more peaceful person (not really).

It seems easy to acknowledge that certain status updates, links, articles, blog posts, etc. are specifically designed to elicit outrage. They manipulate our emotions to get a certain kind of response.

Outrage as money

It's weird to think of outrage as dollars and cents, but that's exactly what it is in click-baity journalism. Just think about it. Someone is manipulating one of your most powerful emotions to make money. [Oh wait, that's all advertising.] And again, this doesn't make outrage right or wrong. I would, however, question the motives of those peddling outrage for profit.

Outrage as narrative

Here's where it gets interesting (for me).

I'm worried that as outrage becomes a default response, we will begin to tune out the things that don't push our own personal outrage buttons. If it doesn't match our own particular "narrative of outrage," it doesn't register.

I'm concerned that many outrage narratives foster an "Us v. Them" mentality, not necessarily an "Us v. Rapists" mentality (Note: Rape = Bad) but an "Us v. Small Town Football" or "Us v. Republicans" or "Us v. The Idiots Who Voted for Obama."

There simply isn't enough outrage to go around. Even I, a feminist, have a limited supply (And I eat outrage for breakfast, like cheerios).

And the not-so-shocking truth about racism, or sexism, or homophobia, or many other social evils is that in real life, they're depressingly banal and hardly outrageous enough to earn a stint on Jerry Springer, let alone 45,634 shares on facebook.

"And now for a very controversial after school special wherein Connie's coworker rolls his eyes condescendingly when she offers to help him create a PDF in Microsoft Word."

Oh the humanity.

I'm more interested in the ordinary, the blase, the familiar and unquestioned. I want to interrogate the logic of sexism, of racism, of all kinds of violence and prejudice. 

I think there are "good" people who believe some pretty messed up things. I think there are good people who participate in and perpetuate a culture that I don't believe in, a culture that (honestly), I hate. To state it more blatantly, there are people that I like, people that I love or would have loved had I known them, who participate(d) in and perpetuate(d) a culture that I hate. 

And the "Us v. Them" binary starts to crumble.

So, to recap, the downsides of outrage:

• Outrage puts you in "fight or flight." [Which can be useful if you need to fight!]
• Repeatedly posting outrage click-bait might cause people to start tuning you out (or blocking your fb feed).
• Outrage creates "buttons," not stories. 
• Outrage is where nuance and subtlety go to die. 
• Outrage is exhausting

Humor as an alternative to outrage

I'm not saying that the opposite of outrage is bland amusement, or that rape jokes are always the best response to rape (although rape jokes can be one of the most subversive responses to rape culture, and no, "I'm going to rape you right now! Hahahahahaha" is not a subversive rape joke, or much of a joke, for that matter).

I'm saying that humor can accomplish what outrage cannot. It can turn things on their heads. It can offer a fresh perspective. It can tilt the world just enough that you see a piece of the sky that you've never seen before. It can feel like hope.

Which is perhaps a post for another time.