Advice From the Google Trenches: How to Catch a Christian Girl, Hitting on a Girl Through Text, and "My Job Doesn't Challenge Me"

Hi everyone! This is the third installment of "advice based on Google search queries from someone who has little to no idea what she is talking about." Thanks for joining me. You can read the first two installments here and here.

"My job doesn't challenge me"

I'm sorry to hear that. You are certainly not alone. I worked a long, long 10-month slog in a job that didn't challenge me. 10 months doesn't seem like a long time now, but at the time it seemed like an eternity.

Have you tried finding another job that does challenge you? If that's not an option, you could:

Spend your work downtime learning a new skill. This could be something related to your current job (e.g. make you more promotable) or something related to the job you wish you had (programming, graphic design, another language).

Teach someone something. You could write the book (metaphorically or literally) on how to do your job and do it well. Start a company wiki. Develop new processes that help you and others work better, faster.

Find a problem to solve. Solving problems can be challenging. Find a problem related to your job and try to solve it. Maybe the printer gets jammed at the same time every Tuesday. Maybe your office runs out of staples at least twice a month. Just think of the possibilities!

"Hitting on a girl through text"

Speaking only for myself here, I'm not a huge fan of getting hit on via text message, but then again, I'm not in high school. Scratch that. Even if I were in high school, I wouldn't want to get hit on via text message. Sure, it's easy, noncommittal, and you can do it with multiple girls at once, but--

1. She will know you are putting out the least amount of effort possible.
2. If she doesn't like you, hitting on her via text won't win her over.
3. Text messages don't contain useful information like body language, voice inflection, and facial expression.
4. If you're hitting on her anyway, why not just ask her out? Say, "Hey ___, would you like to go do ____ at such-and-such a time?"

"When you are single and no one asks you out"

Hmm, I wasn't aware people were still getting asked out. As far as I can tell, guys are texting girls "Hey" and writing "LOL" on their facebook walls.

You are not alone. Oh wait. You are. Ha. Hehehehehehe. Heh.

Have you tried asking him/her out instead? If that's too intimidating, you could just ask them to "hang out." Or forget that, try flirting with someone cute. No expectations.

"How to catch a Christian girl"

First, you need to isolate the Christian Girl within her natural habitat--LifeWay Christian Bookstore. Second, you need to know that Christian girls LOVE PB & Nutella sandwiches. Love them. The only thing they want more? Marriage. That's right. Lure them in with a PB & Nutella sandwich, then drop them with the marriage harpoon. Sample phrases:

"I'm really looking forward to having a wife to iron my shirts."
"All I want is a family. And a farm. Maybe a few chickens."
"Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?"

She won't know what hit her.

[GUEST POST] 10 Reasons Not To Date That [Probably Non-Christian] Coworker From That One-Day Gig

[Today's guest post is from Rachel. She lives and attends church in Los Angeles and works in entertainment. This is in response to 10 Reasons You Should Think Twice Before Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church. - MT]

1) When is faith gonna come up? Is there a good way for it to come up? Do you really want to say, I think you're absolutely great. You're hot, funny, and I could talk to you for the rest of my life, but since you're not a Christian, this isn't gonna work?

I don't know what's worse, the inner battle I've fought with myself over what I wanted and knew I couldn't have, or anticipating/trying to avoid the conversation. I know some great people who have ended up at the altar without having that conversation, and it's a difficult thing later. You're always pulling apart on the thing that matters most. Let's not forget Solomon, who was the wisest man who ever lived, but foreign wives led him to worship idols. Or Samson, who had his talent taken away by someone who he let get very close, who did not believe. 

2) If you keep dating them, they are Mr./Miss Right Now rather than Mr./Miss Right. They are taking up a space that should be vacant. You don't want to miss the opportunity to meet a great Christian because you are taking up all your time seeing someone who's not right. 

3) I can hear it now: But, I know so-and-so, and they dated (and maybe married) that guy or girl, and they eventually became a Christian! Isn't that sweet? 

Look, I know those people too. But it's like dating someone and hoping they will magically grow taller, or that they will magically be more considerate, or they will magically stop being shallow, or that they will magically quit working so much to spend more time with you (or that you can argue/convince them into any of the above things, and more). What you see is usually what you get. The only guarantee of change that you have, is that this person is going to get older, and probably less attractive, and some of the things that you like about them now will probably begin to annoy you over time (Wow I'm romantic! I can't hold back! Just full of sunshine!)

4) This is probably distracting you from what you should be doing, whatever it is that God is calling you to do with your life right now. Oh, sure, it's super-fun to feel that totally smitten feeling, but it's hard to tear away from and the crash comes hard. Instead of getting myself worked up about this guy/girl, maybe I should have been [fill in the blank] (for me personally, finishing that screenplay draft). I would probably already be done by now.  

Think about all the magical and wonderful things that God has for you to do right now--okay, sometimes they are hard and require discipline and perseverance, and do not feel as magical as said coworker, but instead of dating someone after which you will have nothing to show, you could be… duh dun-nuh! finished with your next project, and soaring into your future awesomeness, becoming the person who is right for the person you are going to meet. Or, you could be helping out foster kids and homeless people. Or learning a foreign language, or… whatever floats your boat.

There's a whole section in the Screwtape Letters about how having a person who could influence you, who isn't an on-fire Christian, or who is deceptive while dating or just plain a bad match, can eventually make you less effective or on-fire for God. It's a strategy of the enemy! Don't fall for it!

6) The pain. Do not underestimate how hard it is to let a fond attachment die, just for the sake of faith. I wrote in my journal recently, "All the things I have walked away from before were not really sacrifices that God required, but this one is the real deal. I never knew what it was to take up my cross and follow Jesus, until now." I have gone on a lot of dates (please read this as coffee/dinner/outing, not make-out session), so I now know pretty much exactly what I'm looking for. I am not talking about physical appearance or even the essential chemistry, but discerning beyond. And I almost never (approaching zero) see "it." Makes it that much harder to give up. 

7) You might find someone who is more of a match for you than the Christians you currently know (except for the faith thing). Why tempt yourself?? Why put yourself in that situation? It's definitely better to widen your circle of acquaintance and get to know more Christians. Date Christians, date many, date often (once again I mean coffee/dinner/outings, not makeout sessions)--see a great article about this at Relevant magazine. Now is the time to date around, not when you are married (Sorry, I have a sick sense of humor). 

The essence of faith is, I am going to trust God, who I can't see, rather than reaching out for what I can see, that is right in front of me. I am trusting God to provide, as I actively pursue the right thing, rather than what just what is immediately available. 

There were so many fruit trees available in the garden of Eden. I wonder how long it would have taken Adam and Eve to try all the ones that *were* available to them? They obviously had not tried all the trees that they were at that time allowed to try, because they had not eaten from the tree of life… clearly, the Tree of Life was much more awesome than the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Wait for your Tree of Life! Go try all trees available until you find your Tree of Life! Why just stand around the one tree that you can't try??? It's pretty much a recipe for disaster, the story of the whole human race. 

8) If the other person doesn't share your faith, most of the time they do not share your idea of pre-marriage physical boundaries. The standards that are common in popular culture and the standards that we Christians would like to have, but do not always have, are, let's face it, pretty different. 

I have a good friend who has hung out with more non-Christian guys than I have, who she also typically meets through work, and she actually relies on the physical boundaries conversation to end the relationship, so she doesn't have to tell them, "Hey you're great, but you're not a Christian, soooo…" Her typical experience is along the lines of, an unexpected kiss turns into a conversation about the status of the relationship that turns into the guy saying, "I was kind of looking for sex, so I guess we can't date."

When I called her for advice two weeks ago, she suggested I use this strategy. But, as she recently found out, sometimes non-Christians are okay with your pre-marriage physical boundaries, so then you have to find another reason to break up, if you don't want to have the awkward conversation. 

Also, for me, there is no such thing as an unexpected kiss, because I am so aware of physical movement (shout out to all my dancers out there!). I will deflect with my body language! I always require an official conversation about interest before a kiss (words first--writer's rule! lol). You're just not gonna get an opportunity to lean in, before you speak out! Ha!

And what about your other commitments? Do you want to go to church alone for the rest of your life? I don't. Do you want your kids to come to church? I do. One of my dear friends comes to church alone, without spouse and kids. It's really sad!

But, you say, it's not that far along! It's just dating! See how you feel when your new bestie of the other gender keeps you out late Saturday night when you're the only one who is going home and getting up Sunday. See if you really make it out of bed. See if you are still hung over, because they don't have the goal of not getting drunk, and well, that's starting to slip for you, too.

I'm not judging, though. When I lived overseas, I would party with my Irish/British/South African/Canadian friends from Sunday school on Saturday nights, and there was one particular Sunday that several of us had hangovers in Sunday school. We'd all been at the same house party, and I'd ended up crashing on a couch that night. Yes, we were all Christians. Yes, it says, "Do not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Holy Spirit." Point is, no matter who you hang with the most, they will influence you. I guess we were acting like Job's first set of kids. You see what happened to them! But I digress…

9) If this person is a coworker or in your profession, you don't want to screw up your business relationship by breaking up with them because they aren't a Christian. This could both hurt you professionally and mess up your chance to share Jesus with them.

People sometimes say you shouldn't date coworkers or business associates at all, but for me, there seem to be so few Christians in LA, if they are a Christian and we also click personality-wise, and I feel attracted to them, I'm willing to jeopardize a business relationship to give it a shot. Also, I kind of want someone with the same mission in life as me, who has a heart for the same profession and the same people group. Overall the saddest people I have ever met (including third-world countries) are people in Entertainment. Who else is gonna get that?

10) Someone else's heart is involved here. You, knowing that this will end, are playing with this person's heart if you keep dating them, knowing it's gotta end. I have done this to a non-Christian friend. It is awful. I was fine--I had been 100% sure this was gonna end the whole time, and I was even kind of lying to myself about the fact that we were dating- I kept saying to myself, we're just friends, there's no "action" here--but meanwhile the other person was growing more and more attached. The other person did not even have a friendship with Jesus to support them, so they were going it alone through de facto rejection (I moved to another town for career purposes). If I had it to do over, I (hopefully) would not do it again. 

I will say, that God has used these people in my life for my good, but that doesn't mean that the relationship itself was good. It's because of who He is that it turned out for my good. In retrospect, dating someone who didn't share my faith was the wrong decision. Ultimately, it was a waste of time.

Advice From the Google Trenches: Hitting on Girls, Respect at Work, and Why a Guy Might Think You're Desperate

And we're back! It's time for the next installment of "advice you didn't really ask for based on google search queries that led to this blog." You can find the first installment here. Let's get down to it.

"How to hit on a girl"

Today is your lucky day. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: you can talk to girls as if they are real people. Seriously! I'm not joking. Oh, you want me to be more specific? Okay.

1) Make eye contact. I'm not saying stare intensely into her eyes--I am saying don't stare at the ground the entire time if you can help it.
2) Smile. More specifically, smile while making eye contact. Be prepared to catch her if she swoons.
3) Ask her questions, preferably about herself.
4) Listen intently to what she says. You can even repeat back key points, so she knows you're paying attention.
5) Watch your body language. Are you facing toward her, facing her at an angle, or facing completely away? If you're making eye contact and smiling, this shouldn't be an issue.
6) If you are talking to a girl and you like her, it will probably be obvious that you like her. Hitting-on-girl mission accomplished.
7) It's okay to be nervous. If she likes you, she'll probably think it's cute.

If you're ready for some next level stuff, I suggest reading this post over at LABullets. Be careful though--it's not for the faint of heart.

"Thoughts about work and respect"

I have a lot of thoughts about work and respect:
-Playful banter and/or ribbing is not the same as disrespect. Of course, every workplace is different.
-If you feel you are not getting the respect you are due, there could be a deeper issue.
-This deeper issue could be with you--are you placing your worth in your job? Will any amount of respect ever be enough? Imagine getting what you want. How would it make you feel?
-This deeper issue could be with workplace dynamics or politics. It could have nothing to do with you.
-If someone condescends to you or puts you down, it might be worth it to call them out on it--to say, "Hey, what do you mean by that?"
-Ultimately, you can't change someone else's behavior or attitude. Think about why this is so important to you. Can you make peace with not getting the respect you think you deserve? If not, it might be time to look for a different job.

"Why a guy might think you're desperate"

Whoa. Hold up right there, girlfriend. Did a guy actually tell you he thinks you're desperate? No? Then what are you worried about?

There's tons of advice out there (I should know, I googled it) on not appearing desperate. But chances are if you're asking why a guy might think you're desperate, you're too self-aware to actually be desperate.

Desperate people are not self-aware. They are too busy etching their crushes' names into their forearms.

Speaking of which, if you like a guy, it's okay to tell him. Telling him does not make you desperate. Flirting with him does not make you desperate. Wanting a boyfriend does not make you desperate. Holding someone's favorite stuffed animal hostage until he agrees to date you--that makes you desperate.

Your question does bring up another issue: the difficulty of navigating the often contradictory demands placed on women by contemporary culture: being sexy, but not slutty; being intelligent, but non-threatening; being attractive, but low-maintenance; being independent, but still needing a man; being just-interested-enough, but not desperate. You can read more about this here.

Now, if you'll excuse me--I need to go mail this ransom note from "Binky."

How To Be Friends With a Girl, Part 2

If I was barely qualified to write the last installment, How To Be Friends With a Girl, I am even less qualified to write this sequel, How to be Friends with a Girl, Part 2 or "How To Be Friends With a Girl If You Are a Girl."

All of my best friends are girls. However, this is by no means through my own efforts and/or merit. There are people who are good at making friends and there are people who are not so good at making friends. I would fall into the latter category. Blame it on my rugged individualism or general lack of social skills. Or the fact that I don't usually like talking to people I don't know.

Let's just say that I love my friends and I don't know how they put up with me.

But how do you do it? Make friends with other women, I mean. It can't be that hard...right?

Again, I am the wrong person to be giving advice here. But let me introduce you to my buddy Aristotle. Aristotle believed that there are three types of friends:

Friend A is the life of the party. She knows all the best clubs, wears all the best clothes, and drives a Mini. You call her when you want to go out and have a good time.

Friend B always has the hookup--she knows everybody. If you are looking for an industry job or selling your script, she knows exactly who you need to talk to.

Friend C is someone you both like and admire. You two share common interests, work cooperatively toward common goals, and generally enjoy each other's company.

In sum, there are three types of friendship: friendships based on pleasure, friendships based on utility, and friendships based on character. Or, in other words, we are friends with someone because she is either pleasant, useful, or good [in the Aristotelian sense].

Aristotle advocates for the third type of friendship, in which you value your friend for herself, and not because she is fun to be around or because she can do something for you.

If we're honest, we've probably all been someone's friend because it was either pleasant or convenient--she had a car and we didn't, or she liked playing Super Mario Brothers, and so did we.

But ideally, we want Friend C.

Problems arise when these motivations are in conflict: Friend X chooses Friend Y out of utility, while Friend Y chooses Friend X for herself. There's a lack of reciprocity.

Of course, if we value a friend for herself, she is by default both pleasant and useful to us, not because we automatically "use" our friends, but because being friends with someone of good character is always beneficial: "With friends men are more able both to think and act" [from Nicomachean Ethics].

Friends are necessary for a virtuous (good) life. I quote:

"Between friends there is no need for justice, but people who are just still need the quality of friendship; and indeed friendship is considered to be justice in the fullest sense."

When both friends are good (equal in virtue), reciprocity (justice) is not an issue. It exists by definition between two people of good character. When you want the best for your friend and she wants the best for you--it's not a question of justice. Rather, friendship is a context for the exercise of virtue.

The good things you do for a friend, you in a sense do for yourself, without expecting anything in return. I certainly feel this way with my close friends. I feel almost selfish wanting to spend time with them because I enjoy their company so much.

If I have any advice on making friends with a girl (or anyone really), it would be: 

1. Look for similar interests.

2. Look for someone whose values you admire.

3. Compliment her taste.

4. Work on a common goal together.

Oh, and read Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics. Brilliant stuff.

Shame, Entitlement, and the Reluctant A-hole

At my work we recently discussed the "Asshole Rule": If you meet more than three assholes in one day, you're the asshole [somehow this translated into, "If you own three or more cats, you are a cat lady/man, but I digress.]

Yes, we have all met a few assholes in our lives. We've probably even been the asshole on a few choice occasions. But what, exactly, makes an asshole an asshole?

Alex Balk quotes Aaron James as follows in his article The A-hole in the Mirror:

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

[from Assholes: A Theory]

That's as good a definition as I've ever heard.

That guy laying on the horn because you're not turning left fast enough for his taste? Yeah, definitely an asshole. A typical LA asshole, to be exact. He feels entitled to get through that light as fast as humanly possible, and no dinky 1988 Honda is going to stand in his way.

It's not just Angelenos, though. Millennials, especially, are known for their sense of entitlement--we were raised on self-esteem and certificates praising our mere participation.

And my first thought is: I can't possibly be an asshole. I'm way too introspective. 'Cause, you know, self-absorbed people can't be assholes. Even so, I prefer "rough around the edges" or alternatively, "slightly oblivious to other people's feelings."

I could tell many stories of how I've slighted other people's feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some of them leave me cringing in shame. Others elicit confusion more than anything else--I said that? I did that? You felt that way, because of me? Yeah, that's me. The asshole.

I don't know about you, but it's disheartening to realize that the same things that made me an asshole 10 years ago are the same things that make me an asshole today. 

What's a regretful asshole to do? I would say guilt and efforts at self-reformation, but I've been down that path before and I can't say it worked.

But what about this question of entitlement?

The thing about entitlement is that it's often unconscious. We're not even aware of it, and the same goes for privilege. I am both entitled and privileged in many different ways. To frame it in another manner, I'm spoiled. Flat out.

If I'm really honest, I feel a sense of entitlement about things that don't make a whole lot of sense. Things like, getting a job/promotion/raise because I deserve it, never having car trouble, ever, everyone liking me all the time, always (or at least not hating my guts), dating and eventually marrying a really cute guy, never having to deal with someone else's jealousy, envy, or insecurity--I could go on. In a sense, it all boils down to deserving and/or earning the good things that I get--instead of acknowledging that everything good comes from God, including my gifts, personality, strengths, weaknesses.

But what happens when I don't get what I should--by rights--get? What happens when I accomplish something significant and don't get the praise or the promotion that is my due? Or when my car breaks down? Or I don't get the guy?

Anger. That's what happens. I can't seem to let go of my pride and my self-reliance. I want so much to deserve the good things. Or, I try harder. Maybe if I...then I'll get...

And If I'm honest, I feel angry and hurt that some of my strongest personality traits tend to make me the asshole, to leave me wondering what I've done wrong or whom I've inadvertently offended once again. As if all my good intentions (or a lack of intention) are completely meaningless, when it comes down to it.

I'm not talking about your typical, everyday, run-of-the-mill assholery. I can be plenty selfish and insensitive. I'm talking about the things that I do because, as best as I can tell, that's just the way I'm wired: independent, driven, focused, self-sufficient, ambitious.

And I can't help wondering, did God create me this way for a reason, or am I just muddling along here, doing the best that I can.

To read more about a-holes:
Review of Assholes: A Theory
Interview with Geoffrey Nunger, author of Ascent of the A-word
Review of The No Asshole Rule by Robert Sutton
GQ article about how nerds can be a-holes too (linking assholery to insecurity)

Advice From the Google Trenches: Your Dating Queries Answered

I'm probably the least qualified person to dish out advice about dating. If you poured all of my serious relationships into a measuring device, you would still be 1/4 cup short on flour to make chocolate chip cookies. Or something like that. But for some reason, Google keeps sending me people who seem in need of a little relational help. So here goes nothing--straight from the search engine that brought you such hits as "Gmail" and "Google+", I bring you the following search queries:

"How to ask a guy to sit with you at church"

My advice: Don't do it! Are you ready to marry this guy? No? Then don't ask him to sit next to you at church. We all know what that means. No good can come of it. But if you must, here's how the conversation might go down:

INT. CHURCH FOYER

You: Hey, where are you sitting?
Him: I'm not sure yet. Wanna join me?

There you go.

"When no one asks you out"

Wow. This makes me sad. I'm sorry that no one is asking you out. Have you thought about asking them out instead? I know rejection is rough, but who knows, he/she could say yes. Also, there are other ways to pursue someone other than asking them out. I hear from other women a lot that "no one pursues me." This could mean a lot of different things. Just make sure it doesn't mean, "No one is asking me out, therefore I am completely undesirable." Because that's not true. And if you feel that way, it has very little to do with the fact that no one is asking you out.

"How to hit on a girl on facebook"

For the love of Myspace. Why would you think that hitting on a girl on facebook is a good idea? I have never had a guy hit on me on facebook and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm so impressed. I can't believe this guy had the guts to hit on me via social media." And those other articles about facebook flirting--did you notice how they're all written by guys? Don't believe the hype. Facebook + You !=  The second incarnation of Casanova.

"Christian girls guide to wedding"

You are at the wrong blog, my friend. Let me suggest you check out Pinterest instead.

"Christian girls just not into you"

Ooh. Would this be all Christian girls, ever? Or just the ones you've been asking out? Are you "that guy"?

You might be that guy if...

You immediately ask out every cute girl who walks in the doors of your church.
You've hit on that one girl. And her friend. And her other friend. All within the same 15 minutes.
You're not sure why the girl you've been calling, texting, or emailing never responds.
You are completely oblivious about being that guy.

Maybe you're not that guy. Maybe she's just not that into you. As I remember, the point of the book was to find someone who is into you instead of pursuing the ones who are not.

This concludes the first round of "ask me anything via a google search that leads you to my blog." I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I have.

How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by Rob

Last time I wrote about Working for Free Without Losing Your Self-respect. In this post, you are working for money, not Kit Kats. Congratulations!

However, chances are, you are not yet getting paid to do what you really want to do. You are working a day job--slightly pleasant, less than stimulating, occasionally tedious. Welcome to the next 40 years of your life.

Just kidding.

I believe that you are meant for bigger and better things. But in the meantime, here are some tips to get you through. First--a little contextualizing background: After working for free for a couple months and a month or so of funemployment (I was actually pretty bored), I got a real job working in data entry. So, here goes:

1. Feed your mind.

I may or may not have "watched" an entire four seasons of Grey's Anatomy at my previous day/survival job. Hey. Don't judge. Those were desperate times.

Ok, so don't do what I did and watch trashy TV. If you work at a job that doesn't engage your mind, find something that does. I recommend:

This American Life
Audiobooks. They could save you. Many libraries offer audiobooks for download (no late fees!).
Itunes U

2. Pay your rent.

This may seem obvious, but if you are not making enough money in your day gig to afford rent, you might want to consider getting another job. Or two. Don't go into debt if you can help it. It's not worth it, and chances are you're not going to sell your brilliant screenplay for $$$ just yet.

3. Pursue your passions [on the side].

It can be easy to lose sight of why you moved to Los Angeles in the first place. Just because you're working a day job, doesn't mean you can't pursue your passions. Make time for writing, or acting, or shooting. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the tedium of 9-5 can be a shot in the arm, creatively speaking.

4. Flexibility FTW

If you get to choose your day job, I would choose something that gives you the flexibility to pursue your passions. Sometimes, it can be a trade off between pay and flexibility, but if you can get both--my job was more of a survival job [as in, barely making enough to survive], but it did give me the flexibility to work other, filmmaking type jobs. I lucked out. Ideally, your work will support you and your goals.

5. Respect your work.

At the same time, it's important to respect the work that you do, that people are counting on you to do your job and do it well, whether that's pulling pints or packing boxes. Respect your boss, respect your co-workers, respect the work.

6. Write it down.

If you are working a particularly boring job, you will have a TON of ideas. A ton. Make sure to write them down (if it doesn't interrupt your work). Scribble stuff in a notebook on your lunch break. Brainstorm during your commute. Take advantage of the ideas that come to you when you're not even trying.

7. Surrender your expectations.

This is a tough one. But if you can, work on letting go of your expectations for success--of what you "should" have achieved by now. Yes, some of your peers will be more successful than you at this stage. So what? You are not your job. And besides, the job that's going to fulfill you completely doesn't even exist. If you're currently working a survival job, I highly recommend reading this post (part of a great series) about underemployment: I Work, Therefore I Am.

8. This is only a phase.

I repeat: this is only a phase. Yeah, I guess you could end up working at Chipotle for the rest of your life, but I highly doubt it. I bet you 12 Kit Kats you'll end up doing something else. I used to stalk about mentally wringing my hands over how I was "wasting my life" working a job that didn't challenge me. Take heart. There is more.

Tune in next time for "Your First Real Industry Job: Don't Screw It Up."

Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect

In my last post, I wrote about three unpaid, short-term jobs I worked shortly after moving to LA. And last I checked, my self-respect was still (mostly) intact, making me a clear expert on this topic. These mostly apply to trying to break into the film industry, but I suppose they could apply in other fields as well. Here are some tips:

1. Put a time limit on it.

Do: Decide in advance how long you will work without pay.
Don't: Keep working for free until your savings are gone.

"Unpaid internship" is not a euphemism for "slave labor." Or at least it shouldn't be. Don't work for free for too long. Put a time limit on it--a month, three months. One year is too long (if you're not in school). If you're working in an unpaid internship and they haven't even hinted about giving you a job after three months--it's probably time to thank them kindly for the valuable experience, ask for a good reference, and move on. It's a lot like dating: If they're still not ready to make it official, it's probably not meant to be.

2. Watch your expenses.

Do: Work odd jobs to make money.
Don't: Eat at the Cheesecake Factory every night. [Plus, cholesterol!]

This goes with out saying--if you're working for free, you're probably not making a lot of money in general, so avoid spending what you do make. I was lucky. When I first moved to LA, I immediately got a temp job working at a media conference that lasted for a week. Subsequent to that, I got another extremely short-term gig that paid pretty well because I was working a double-shift. If you're making money at another job...

3. Save your ass off while working your ass off.

Do: Your job. Well.
Don't: Kill yourself.

Give it your all. You have nothing to lose (literally). If you work hard and don't complain, people will remember you. Being happy and nice doesn't hurt either.

4. Network, network, network

Do: Tell people you are looking for more gigs.
Don't: Hand out your resume between takes.

Make friends. Friends is how you will get jobs. Friends = jobs. Remember that.

5. Take advantage of craft services. [There is such a thing as a free lunch.]

Do: Take leftovers home, if appropriate.
Don't: Steal all the peanut M&Ms. They will find you. And they will kill you.

Anyone who knows me knows that craft services is pretty much my favorite thing ever. On the films I worked on, I was often the one buying the craft services (Win!) Eating on set will help you save money. One solid meal a day can go a long way, and often the company is paying you with meals and things. So enjoy the perks, I mean, red vines.

6. Keep your receipts.

Do: Remember to ask for a receipt.
Don't: Spend your own money on production expenses.

If the company is reimbursing you for lunches or gas, make sure to keep your receipts. If you are spending petty cash, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS. Learn how to ask for a receipt in Spanish, if necessary.

7. Don't tolerate disrespect or harassment.

Do: Tell someone if you're not comfortable or don't feel safe doing something you've been asked to do.
Don't: Try to deal with HR type problems on your own.

If you are working for free and the company/production is mistreating or abusing you--call me and I will come punch them in the face. But seriously. That is unacceptable. If someone harasses you, say something. You are more important than any film.

8. Give thanks.

Do: Wash the dishes.
Don't: Overstay your welcome.

Working for free is a privilege that many cannot afford, because they have to pay for stuff like "rent" and "daycare." Thank those who have helped you [or are helping you] along the way. I was lucky enough to live with my aunt and uncle rent-free for a few months before moving in with roommates. I couldn't have done it without them.

9. Get a job. [Do I sound like your parents yet? Good.]

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must "get a real job." If your time limit is up (and before your savings run out), start looking for a job that pays. Any job. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. When it comes to survival jobs, I like to quote the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. You know what's worse than working as a barista? Living out of your car or being a freeloader eternal.

Finally, like the old college motto says, respice finem, or "Look to the end." Why are you working for free? Hopefully, you are working for free in order to eventually get a job. But in the short-term, what are you looking for: To support a cause you believe in? To make connections? To meet interesting people? To have an adventure? To get up at 5:30am every single day and drive from Torrance to West Hollywood?

These are all valid reasons. Just know why you are giving of your time and yourself. Make sure it's worth it.

Tune in next time for How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind.