A Side Hug on the First Date, A Guy Asked Me Out at Church and it Was Awkward, and the "Good Christian Guy" Label

"Side hug first date like you or not"

Okay, fine. Hugs are meaningful. But still, it really depends on the person doing the hugging. I have friends (guy friends) who real-hug everybody. Everybody. Male. Female. Vulcan. There is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free. That's just how they roll.

I have other friends (guy friends) who will never real-hug any woman they are not related to, other than their wives.

Do I have thoughts on this? Maybe.

Maybe, if you pressed me (ha), I might start talking about the unhealthy sexualization of any and all physical contact. This happens in the church and elsewhere. [Full disclosure: I attended a discipleship program in which side-hugs were THE RULE between guys and girls].

As a side note, there's nothing quite like going in for a hug, only to have the guy draw back in terror, to make you an awkward hugger.

You're wondering whether the side hug was a "Thanks, but no thanks." Maybe. My gut says yes, but I could be wrong. Maybe this person wants to save real hugs for marriage. Who knows.

The tip-off for me is whether or not they initiated the hug. If it were me, I would rather avoid hugging altogether than go in for a side hug. All or nothing, baby.

"A man offering a side hug to a woman"

I say sidestep him. Then tackle him in a bear hug. Oh, you want to know what it means? No clue. Why don't you ask him.

"A guy asked me out church awkward"

Was he awkward or was the asking out at church awkward? Were beads of sweat rolling down his forehead? Did he preface it with, "I know you only see me as a brother in Christ, but..."? Did he storm the stage, grab the microphone from the pastor and ask you out right then and there? Did he ask you out on a date to church (now that's awkward)?

Was it cute awkward or socially awkward awkward? I dunno, I'm kind of impressed with this guy for asking you out. I say go out for coffee, then if you're not feeling it, make it a point to side hug him at the end. He'll know what's up.

"Good Christian guy" label

"Good Christian guy" is in quotation marks for a reason you have rightfully ascertained: it's basically a cop out.

It's patronizing. It's BS. It's patronizing BS.

It's tantamount to being a nice guy, as in, "He's a nice guy, but..."

Instead of calling someone a "good Christian guy," why not refer to him as "the most generous person I know," or "my best friend," or "the bomb diggity at ultimate frisbee."

So much better. 

"How to drag girls to have sex on fb"

Please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person...

That's it, folks. May you real-hug a member of the opposite sex with pure or impure motives, and may it mean as much or as little as you want it to mean. And may no one ever refer to you as a "good Christian guy." Good luck. May the hugs be ever in your favor.



More hugging advice here. 

Rape and the Art of Storytelling

So, I was watching a video at church the other day, and the subject turned to rape. Specifically, the man and woman being interviewed knew both the victim and the perpetrator before the rape happened. 

And the man in the video said, and I paraphrase: "As much as I wanted to hate him [the perpetrator], I couldn't, insofar as his life would also never be the same." 

This is about rape. And the stories we tell:

[Insert name here] had such a promising future as a [football star - leader - contributing member of society]. But then he raped someone. And now his life will never be the same. 

Or, “These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives."

See also, Steubenville.

This story has been told before. It will be told again. 

The story follows a simple before and after structure: 

Before raping someone: Promising future

After raping someone: Life never the same

Given how many different narratives we could impose on rape, why is this narrative so pervasive? 

I don't know. 

Logically, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and it tends to elide or gloss over the very crux of the story: 

[Perpetrator] raped [victim]

The before/after narrative conceals the key cause/effect relationship in the story: 

Cause: Committed rape

Effect: Life never the same

This has the odd effect of conflating raping with being raped, as in "his life would also never be the same."

"I was raped": my life will never be the same. 

"I raped someone": my life will never be the same. 

I would argue that this is a false equivalence. Raping and being raped are not the same thing. The promising-future/life-never-the-same narrative obscures, almost denies, the key difference between raping and being raped: 

Choice. Volition. Will. 

If we take that away, we are left with a rapist who rapes through no active choice of his own. Rape is something that "just happens" to young men with promising futures, like a cholera outbreak or a really bad blind date.

To return to the first story: At what point in time was the perpetrator's life never the same--was it the moment when he decided to rape someone? During? Immediately after? When he was arrested? The first time he appeared in court? 

And the boys from Steubenville, at what point in time were their lives changed forever--after texting an incriminating picture to friends? Before the party was over? Upon conviction and sentencing? 

I would argue that the timeline is false, the before/after formula invalid. 

In any way that really matters, if you rape someone--if you are the kind of person who would rape someone--your life is already f----.

Ironically (or logically), narratives about rape victims tend to give them a great deal of the very quality rapists are denied--

She chose to wear that, she was sexually active, she willfully tweeted that alluring image. 

Cause. Effect. [You can also substitute CHOICE and CONSEQUENCE]

Cause: Wearing a mini-skirt

Effect: Being raped. 

Or,

Cause: Walking alone at night in a bad part of town.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Getting drunk at a party.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Being overtly sexual. Flirting.

Effect: Being raped. 

I could go on, unfortunately.

We impose the cause/effect story on rape victims while simultaneously bewailing the before/after tragedy of rapists. 

Seems a bit backwards to me. 

Notes on Style: The Semicolon

The Short Version

NEVER USE SEMICOLONS, EVER EVER EVER--unless you want to and you know what you're doing.

The Long Version

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.”
- Kurt Vonnegut

I have a theory about semicolons. It goes like this: most people wouldn't know what a semicolon was if it walked up and slapped them in the face with a mackerel. However, the semicolon is one sexy and highly academic-looking punctuation mark, so your average college student will throw a couple in at random whenever he or she is writing a paper. You know, to be smart and stuff. 

STOP THAT. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

Rule #4547 of Grammar: If you don't know what it is or what it does, don't use it!

Semicolons are not your friend. Semicolons are more like your frenemy--your somewhat exotic, strangely hybridized frenemy (transvestite hermaphrodites anyone?), but still. Just like every other kind of punctuation, you must make semicolons work for you, and the only way to do that is to know what they mean. 

Any guesses? Bueller? Look at the semicolon. Look at it. What is it telling you?

;

That's right. Semicolons, despite their name, function nothing like colons (:). Rather, they exist somewhere on the spectrum between a comma and a period.

A semicolon represents an identity crisis of sorts. It's not a full stop, like a period, but neither is it a brief pause, like a comma.

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

-Helen Keller

Here, the semicolon is like, "Hold up, Imma let you finish, but first I need to pause in-between these two complete but related thoughts."

This is important--each unit separated by a semicolon must be a complete grammatical unit (clause).

Either half could stand entirely on its own, i.e.:

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

[If you don't know what a complete sentence is, you might want to mind your subjects and your verbs.]

Notice what happens if we use a comma and a coordinating conjunction instead of a semicolon: "Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much."

INCORRECT/BAD version:

"Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much."

So now we have the original sentence and two grammatically sound variations: 

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

"Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much." 

Notice the difference in feeling among these three sentences. Which do you like best? Discuss.

Keller's sentence demonstrates two very good reasons to use a semicolon--parallelism and juxtaposition.

"ALONE we can do so LITTLE; TOGETHER we can do so MUCH."

Alone/Together
Little/Much

The semicolon conveys the parallel relationship between the two clauses in the way that a period cannot. In addition, the contrast is starker without the use of a comma and coordinating conjunction.

Can you see now how punctuation can affect style?

The original sentence is statelier and more controlled.

And now, a response to Vonnegut and his semicolon hatred:

"Great quote, but total bullshit. The semicolon is beautiful, the epitome of a soft pause that gives cadence to an otherwise abrupt shift in ongoing thought. The semicolon is delicate and necessary and, if not overused, the most romantic of punctuation marks."

-Jen Knox

Like I said, semicolons can be sexy in a certain light. I don't care for them, but maybe you like that sort of thing. More punctuation power to you. Know what a semicolon is and how to properly use it in a sentence.

Then, go crazy. Walk around with an extra swagger in your step, 'cause, "Yo, I know how to use a semicolon properly, just call me the 'Grammar Gangsta.'"

Go ahead. You have my permission. You're welcome.

Advice From the Google Trenches: Why Men Hug Women They Aren't Dating, How to Tell if a Girl is Hitting on You Through Facebook and No One Has Ever Asked Me Out

This is the fifth installment of "people using Google for advice and somehow ending up at my blog." You can find the other exciting episodes here, here, here and here.

"Why men hug women they aren't dating"

Wait. You mean there is a man out there who hugs women he isn't dating? What a perv!

The next time he goes in for a hug, stop him in his tracks and say, "Excuse me, sir. I need to know your intentions before I agree to hug you."

Just kidding.

Let me take a tentative side-hug at this: A guy (and I'm not naming names here) hugged you (also not naming names because I have no clue who you are) and you want to know if there's something behind it. Like an uncontrollable desire to date you. But maybe he's dating someone else.

A hug can mean a lot of things, like "I'm sorry that your fish died in that freak blender accident" or "Why are we hugging again?" But sometimes a hug is just a hug. Don't overthink it. Now fist-bumps on the other hand...

"If someone asks you out on a date are you a couple?"

No.

"Should you hit on a girl on facebook?"

No!

"How to tell if a girl is hitting on you through facebook"

I would say it's pretty obvious, but in case you're feeling obtuse:

1. She likes all your status updates. Stati. Whatever.
2. She often comments on your posts, if only to say LOL or OMG or OMG THAT KITTEH IS ADORBS!!!
3. She initiates fb chat with you.
4. She suddenly "likes" all of the same things you "like," developing newfound interest for Dragon Ball Z, pleated jeans and competitive bearding. And finally...
5. Your in-person conversations reveal that she is constantly facebook stalking you highly attuned to what's going on in your life.

"No one has ever asked me out" see also "No one decent asks me out" 

Just look at the syntax of that sentence: "No one has ever asked me out." You are making "no one" the grammatical subject of your dating life. Not cool.

Don't project your insecurities onto someone who doesn't even exist. Don't judge yourself by the quality of your suitors (what constitutes "decent" anyway?). You are amazing. And no one can change that, whether they ask you out or not. 

Everyone Wants to Date an INTP

Top 10 reasons to date an INTP:

10. They always give you your space.

9. INTPs strive to see both sides of an issue. This doesn't mean you're halfway to winning every argument, but it's a start.

8. When an INTP likes you, they LIKE you. It's not terribly complicated.

7. INTPs are pretty low-maintenance. Any effort to please them will probably be met first by incredulity, then by gratitude. Okay, sometimes they skip the second step.

6. Their social obliviousness can be cute. At times.

5. They love to cuddle [anecdotal evidence].

Photo by DaiLuo

4. INTPs are unlikely to flirt with other people. Like I said, oblivious.

3. INTPs like talking about their feelings even less than you do. Ew. Feelings. [Hint: Ask them what they think]

2. One word: honesty. INTPs tell it like it is (or at least how they see it). They don't mince words.

1. INTPs are consistently intellectually engaging because they are consistently intellectually engaged.

"That's Not Cool, Bro": Homosociality, Objectification and the Uses of Social Media in Rape Culture

I've been contemplating writing this for a while now. This is the "nice" version, believe it or not. The hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids, hide yo' husbands version is in the works.

Upfront disclaimer: I'm going to talk about rape. And feminism. And Twitter.

Maybe you've heard about the Steubenville, Ohio rape case. Maybe you haven't. You can read about it here or here, but if you don't care to, a few facts about what allegedly took place:

1. Two high school football players sexually assaulted a girl at a party.
2. Many other people were present.
3. Some of these other students / partygoers posted to YouTube or Twitter about the rape.
4. They expressed positive and/or approving thoughts and feelings about the rape [There's a YouTube video of a guy talking and laughing about it].

Now, I think you and I have at least a little bit of difficulty getting into the headspace of a rapist. We probably also have a problem getting into the headspace of anyone who would think of rape as a good thing.

Nevertheless, these people and these reactions exist, so let's think about it for a minute. Okay, more than a minute:

Why would someone think that rape is funny?

There's a lack of identification. There's a lack of empathy. There is perhaps a sense that the victim of rape deserves to be raped.

Then, think about the dynamics of two intersecting phenomena: homosocial approval and social media.

What is homosocial approval?

For the purposes of this blog, homosocial approval is explicit or implicit social approval from other dudes. In the case of Steubenville, this could be an over-identification with football, with high school social status, and with the approval that comes from other guys when you boast about your sexual conquests.

Of course, homosocial approval is not always negative. It can be very positive. But when combined with sexual violence and social media, it becomes something else entirely. See also this incident in which two high school boys took pictures of a girl as they assaulted her (because what's a sexual assault unless you can show pics to your friends later, amiright?).

Like most of us, I have borderline racist and misogynistic friends and/or acquaintances. [I'm sorry, is that harsh? You know what I'm talking about, though. Maybe it's because I have a lot of Christian friends (low blow).]

And the friendly misogynist-next-door--he's unlikely to ever rape anyone. However, he does continue to perpetuate the idea that women are objects. Or, that a woman's primary value is in how she looks. Or that she's fair game as long as she's legal. Or that a woman is responsible for a man's behavior. And that, my friend, is destructive.

I started writing this with a question: How do my male friends respond when their friend says something borderline racist/misogynistic? Does it bother him? Does he say something? Does he shrug it off? Does he laugh nervously?

I guess that was actually a series of questions.

I'm asking you, hypothetical guy friend, to do one thing: withhold your approval. Don't agree. Don't fist bump. Don't retweet. Don't hit "like."

Maybe the phrase "rape culture" makes you mad--because you believe that there is no such thing. That it's a phrase coined by feminists to victimize men. Fine. Forget that phrase. Call it whatever you want. Call it dude-thinks-rape-is-super-funny-in-youtube-video culture. I don't care.

And what about me? I'm female. Guys are supposed to be trying to impress me. Doesn't my approval or lack thereof count too?

It doesn't. Not in the same way. I'm not the target audience here. You try lecturing a guy on manners after he calls you a bitch for turning him down. Or giving a crash course on sexual harassment to the gentleman, and I use that term loosely, who won't take "No" for an answer. It's not gonna happen.

He doesn't care what I think. That crude joke was not for my benefit. It was for you. Not me.

So hey bro, dude, man, whatever. Do me a favor and don't laugh.

It's not that funny, anyway.

The INTP and the Missing "Nice"

There once was an INTP who lived neither far far away nor very very close-by.

And she was happy, living in her little INTP world, doing semi-productive and often baffling INTP things, like cross-referencing ancient poetry and never dusting. 

But one day, as she was making her biweekly visit to Extrovert-World, she said something not-nice, and the people gasped. "That's not NICE," said no one in particular.

"What?" The INTP was befuddled.

"Not NICE," repeated no one.

"Oh," said the INTP.

The INTP returned to her little INTP world and thought hard about what she had said. Though the intent was not to hurt anyone, someone had been hurt. This made her sad.

"I must not have this 'NICE' that they speak of," she concluded, vowing to do her best to find it. But search as she would, she could not find the NICE that seemed to come so easily to everyone else.

The INTP's visits to Extrovert-World became fewer and farther between.

"Better to be safe than sorry," she thought.

TO BE CONTINUED...