Femininity & The Blank Slate or Why I'm Not Flattered When a Stranger Tells Me I'm Pretty

This has bothered me for a while. 

Every time (yes, generalizing) a girl/woman tells a story about unwanted male attention (catcalling, harassment on the street, being asked out by a stranger, having her personal space invaded,  getting a sexually explicit fb message), someone chimes in with the equivalent of: 

"Jeez, he was just trying to pay you a compliment / be friendly / make a personal connection / ask you on a date." 

In every other situation I encounter in life, I'm supposed to be an adult, which means I have thoughts, I have values, I have past experiences, I have a modicum of practical sense, etc. 

But in this one specific scenario, I'm supposed to be a complete blank, approaching every fresh encounter with a new man as if I had just stepped off planet xx and this was the first time someone had ever told me to "Smile, Beautiful!"

And instead of thanking him or smiling sweetly, I flip him off.

And when I tell the story, someone I know (male) defends that guy on the street (or on the social network). 

"Why can't you give him the benefit of the doubt?" 

So...it's okay for him to objectify me and reduce me to an adjective [My name isn't "Beautiful," you asshat. Oh wait, it is. Nevermind.]

But I must ascribe to him thoughts, feelings, a deep and meaningful history of respect for all women, and, especially, that "he's not like all other guys."

He gets to be an individual with a unique background, history and cultural context, and how dare I treat him as anything less than a unique and special human being. I get to be "a pretty little thing."

"You're being so judgmental."

I mean, right. Maybe he's a really nice guy. Maybe he wouldn't hurt a flying cockroach if it landed in his beef bourguignon. Maybe he loves children, candy necklaces and riding escalators at the mall.

Well, welcome to my world, where making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences and not making snap judgments about strangers based on past experiences can mean the difference between life and lying dead in ditch somewhere, to put it subtly.

Have you not watched a single episode of Law & Order: SVU? Evolutionarily-speaking, it's better to assume the worst.

This is what doesn't make sense to me. It's okay for me to follow my instincts EXCEPT when I don't respond favorably to a man's romantic overtures, or at least act a little bit flattered that, gee whiz, someone thinks I'm pretty!

"You should be flattered that someone finds you attractive."

The opinion of a total stranger > My safety, sanity and desire to appear in a public place without being harassed.

There's also the not-so-subtle threat: 

Someday you won't be attractive anymore and no one will think you're pretty or make obscene gestures at you from the safety of their motor vehicles AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE, HUH?? AT LEAST SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, CAN'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE!!!

Yet another reminder that my primary value as a woman lies in how attractive I am to the opposite sex.

And how to explain the anger some men seem to feel when a woman resists objectification or even--how dare she--complains about it.

I mean, a woman who finds her value within herself without any reference to outside male validation--

How unappealing.

Is it Awkward to Date Someone From Your Church? & Why You Should Hit on Women at Church ... Stay Tuned

There's a lot of angst over dating within the church (as if anyone needed a few dozen Google searches to figure that out). This post is dedicated to the trials, tribulations and titillations of church dating. All questions brought to you by a search engine near you! 

"I really like a boy that goes to my church"

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that churches are veritable hotbeds of unrequited longing. Welcome to the club, my friend.

Okay, so you like this boy. Is he single? What are you waiting for? Sit beside him at church at the next available opportunity. Careful though! You only want to sit by him. Avoid eye contact or any form of "talk." In fact, pretend he doesn't exist while taking copious notes on the sermon. 

This is a widely recognized form of Christian courtship. Anything else and you'll come across as too pushy. And if there's anything a church boy likes less than a chili cook-off before ultimate frisbee, it's a pushy woman.

"The woman in church is attracted to you where will she sit[?]"

Attracted to you = As close as Christianly possible

Not attracted to you = With her friends, several rows down.

You are Ryan Gosling = In your lap

Realize that she is making a conscious choice and that it absolutely relates to you and her level of attraction to you. These things must be read carefully and with attention to nuance, like the Book of Revelation or the entrails of a ground squirrel.

"There are no girls in my church"

That's awful. I would suggest finding a new church, posthaste. Given your church's stance on gender segregation, I would carefully review their mission, vision and core values. Compare these to the teachings of Jesus and make your decision accordingly.

If that's not possible, there's always eHarmony. I hear they have a favorable male/female ratio. [But be wary of their doctrine of the trinity]

"Is it awkward to date someone from your church[?]"

So awkward. However, judging from some of these other queries, the only thing more awkward than dating in church is not dating in church--I imagine single guys and girls completely shutting down in the presence of the desired sex.

The problem--as I see it: some single and seeking church members completely missed "Flirting & Attraction 101." They are unable to accurately gauge the interest or lack of interest displayed by another person. They are likewise unable to constructively and lightheartedly display interest in another person. 

Maybe it's because the stakes (marriage) feel too high. And if them's the stakes, why even play? 

"Why you should hit on women at church" 

Some of you guys/girls need to lay off the hitting on for a bit. Stop playing the field and be the field, so to speak. I mean, good grief, you start chatting up everything with a Bible and a smile. You're making people uncomfortable. You read "desperate." Just stop. Take a break.

Others of you...maybe you've given up altogether and you're just going to church for the "fellowship." Good for you. But if you feel like maybe someday in the future possibly if the timing's right you might I dunno potentially want to date someone who goes to your church--

Ask them out.

Your first fb message to a girl, awkward first date hugs, and how to know if an INTP likes you : Advice From The Google Trenches

These are all google searches that led to my blog. I offer advice to the hapless masses.

"First fb message to a girl"

First off, I applaud your ingenuity and forward-thinking--you are using facebook as an online dating website. Bravo, my friend. Bravo. Your pioneering spirit is an inspiration to us all.

After painstakingly selecting this praiseworthy and promising specimen of womanhood ["hot chick who might make out with me"], all that remains is to craft that perfect first missive that will win her heart [convince her to come over and "watch a movie"].

So ask yourself: What do you have in common with this person? Do you have a mutual friend? Do you both like the same kind of music? Do you use the same hair products? Does she resemble your best buddy Thor from kindergarten?

Now take that thing that you have in common and use it in a sentence. Yes, this is third grade. Go ahead. I'll wait.

"I LOVE Five Iron Frenzy. They were my favorite band in college. Have you ever been to one of their shows?"

You get the idea.

Now, you're going to do something a little daring. It's scary, but trust me. A brave, dashing gentleman such as yourself--who would be so bold, courageous even, as to message a girl on fb--can handle a little bit of risk.

Think about how you might suggest meeting up with a friend, then extend that invitation to her--even better if you can connect it to the thing that you have in common.

"I was going to sample all 31 flavors of Baskin-Robbins on Thursday. Wanna join?"

"But wait," you say, "what if she says no?"

Unlikely. She probably won't respond at all.

Newsflash: There is no magical formula for getting a girl to message you back. There is no forumla for getting a girl to go out with you or have sex with you. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.

Nevertheless, establishing rapport (mutual interests) and actually asking her out might set you apart from the other dudes out there, whose first messages read something like,

"dam u sexy"

Thanks?

"Awkward first date hug"

Wow. There are evidently a lot of awkward hugs going down on first dates. And I mean, it makes sense. First dates are usually a little bit anxiety-inducing and hugging a stranger is an implosion of awkward just waiting to happen.

Here are some tips:

1. Read his/her body language.

It's the end of the date. Is he slowly backing away from you while saying, "Thanks! I had a great time"? Is she facing you at an angle and looking toward the door? Is he not making any eye contact at all? Is she clutching her purse to her chest and running away? DO NOT HUG.

2. If you're not sure one way or the other, ask.

Take a step forward and if they don't balk or back away say, "Awkward hug?" or "Can I hug you?" This is helpful because it lets the other person know that you are not going to try to kiss them. It also lets them know that you want to hug them. Because you are a friendly person and you like hugging people, dammit.

3. Don't panic.

That agonizing pause between saying your goodbyes and the possible physical manifestation of the conclusion of your date will pass. Trust me.

4. Flee.

This one is my favorite. Simply vacate the scene, swiftly, precluding any awkward hugging that might occur. You risk alienating your date, of course. But anything is better than an awkward first date hug. Right?

"Flirt with intp"

Now this is my kind of question. INTPs can be hard to flirt with because they're not always tuned in to "I'm hitting on you" social cues. If you try to flirt with them as if they were, uh, normal, they might just give you a dirty look, as in, "What's wrong with you?"

Don't take it personally. If you want to flirt with an INTP, I would:

1. Ask them questions about what they think.

What have you been reading lately?
What topic has been of interest to you?
Do you have any thoughts on ___?

2. Notice the nuances of their arguments/statements/thoughts. Push them to elaborate.

I notice you used the word ___ about ___. What do you mean by that? What about ___? Would that also apply?

3. Listen and let them finish their thought before interjecting.

4. Offer your own ideas, building on / responding to what they said and creating a brand new work of thought origami.

That's hot!

"How to know if an intp likes you"

1. They talk to you.

[Yes, this is a big one.]

2. They want to know what you think and how you think.

3. They ask you a lot of questions.

4. They tell you all their theories.

5. They blush when they talk to you.

Oh wait. That's just me. Nevermind. Nothing to see here. What are you looking at.

A Side Hug on the First Date, A Guy Asked Me Out at Church and it Was Awkward, and the "Good Christian Guy" Label

"Side hug first date like you or not"

Okay, fine. Hugs are meaningful. But still, it really depends on the person doing the hugging. I have friends (guy friends) who real-hug everybody. Everybody. Male. Female. Vulcan. There is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free. That's just how they roll.

I have other friends (guy friends) who will never real-hug any woman they are not related to, other than their wives.

Do I have thoughts on this? Maybe.

Maybe, if you pressed me (ha), I might start talking about the unhealthy sexualization of any and all physical contact. This happens in the church and elsewhere. [Full disclosure: I attended a discipleship program in which side-hugs were THE RULE between guys and girls].

As a side note, there's nothing quite like going in for a hug, only to have the guy draw back in terror, to make you an awkward hugger.

You're wondering whether the side hug was a "Thanks, but no thanks." Maybe. My gut says yes, but I could be wrong. Maybe this person wants to save real hugs for marriage. Who knows.

The tip-off for me is whether or not they initiated the hug. If it were me, I would rather avoid hugging altogether than go in for a side hug. All or nothing, baby.

"A man offering a side hug to a woman"

I say sidestep him. Then tackle him in a bear hug. Oh, you want to know what it means? No clue. Why don't you ask him.

"A guy asked me out church awkward"

Was he awkward or was the asking out at church awkward? Were beads of sweat rolling down his forehead? Did he preface it with, "I know you only see me as a brother in Christ, but..."? Did he storm the stage, grab the microphone from the pastor and ask you out right then and there? Did he ask you out on a date to church (now that's awkward)?

Was it cute awkward or socially awkward awkward? I dunno, I'm kind of impressed with this guy for asking you out. I say go out for coffee, then if you're not feeling it, make it a point to side hug him at the end. He'll know what's up.

"Good Christian guy" label

"Good Christian guy" is in quotation marks for a reason you have rightfully ascertained: it's basically a cop out.

It's patronizing. It's BS. It's patronizing BS.

It's tantamount to being a nice guy, as in, "He's a nice guy, but..."

Instead of calling someone a "good Christian guy," why not refer to him as "the most generous person I know," or "my best friend," or "the bomb diggity at ultimate frisbee."

So much better. 

"How to drag girls to have sex on fb"

Please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person...

That's it, folks. May you real-hug a member of the opposite sex with pure or impure motives, and may it mean as much or as little as you want it to mean. And may no one ever refer to you as a "good Christian guy." Good luck. May the hugs be ever in your favor.



More hugging advice here. 

Advice From the Google Trenches: Why Men Hug Women They Aren't Dating, How to Tell if a Girl is Hitting on You Through Facebook and No One Has Ever Asked Me Out

This is the fifth installment of "people using Google for advice and somehow ending up at my blog." You can find the other exciting episodes here, here, here and here.

"Why men hug women they aren't dating"

Wait. You mean there is a man out there who hugs women he isn't dating? What a perv!

The next time he goes in for a hug, stop him in his tracks and say, "Excuse me, sir. I need to know your intentions before I agree to hug you."

Just kidding.

Let me take a tentative side-hug at this: A guy (and I'm not naming names here) hugged you (also not naming names because I have no clue who you are) and you want to know if there's something behind it. Like an uncontrollable desire to date you. But maybe he's dating someone else.

A hug can mean a lot of things, like "I'm sorry that your fish died in that freak blender accident" or "Why are we hugging again?" But sometimes a hug is just a hug. Don't overthink it. Now fist-bumps on the other hand...

"If someone asks you out on a date are you a couple?"

No.

"Should you hit on a girl on facebook?"

No!

"How to tell if a girl is hitting on you through facebook"

I would say it's pretty obvious, but in case you're feeling obtuse:

1. She likes all your status updates. Stati. Whatever.
2. She often comments on your posts, if only to say LOL or OMG or OMG THAT KITTEH IS ADORBS!!!
3. She initiates fb chat with you.
4. She suddenly "likes" all of the same things you "like," developing newfound interest for Dragon Ball Z, pleated jeans and competitive bearding. And finally...
5. Your in-person conversations reveal that she is constantly facebook stalking you highly attuned to what's going on in your life.

"No one has ever asked me out" see also "No one decent asks me out" 

Just look at the syntax of that sentence: "No one has ever asked me out." You are making "no one" the grammatical subject of your dating life. Not cool.

Don't project your insecurities onto someone who doesn't even exist. Don't judge yourself by the quality of your suitors (what constitutes "decent" anyway?). You are amazing. And no one can change that, whether they ask you out or not. 

Advice From the Google Trenches: A Guy Asks You Out After a Year, Reasons Not To Date a Girl Who Flirts With Every Guy, and How To Ask For a Girl's Number at Work Without Hitting on Her

This is the fourth installment in "Ask me anything via Google search." You can find the first three installments here, here, and here.

"A guy asks you out after a year lust or like[?]"

Why can't it be both? Or he likes you because he's attracted to you? Or he asked you out after a year because he realizes he likes you?

I'm not sure what you're worried about. Perhaps he is only asking you out because he has already exhausted the supply of available romantic partners. But I doubt that's the case. Plus, he is deliberately asking you out (I assume). That really means something.

If you've known this guy for a year, you probably already know whether he's a good guy or not. If he's a good guy, why not go out with him.

Here's the thing about intentions: they are always revealed with time. Sure, a guy's intentions might be less than sincere. But the only way to know that is through his actions. I've definitely wondered about a guy's intentions before. However, I've come to believe that a guy's intentions (good, bad, or indifferent) are not my burden to carry.

Saying that, you might also keep in mind that men (and women) often state their intentions in so many words. For example, the classic "I'm really not looking for a relationship right now."

Pay attention to what he says, but more than that, pay attention to what he does.

"Reasons not to date a girl who flirts with every guy"

I've had friends who have been accused of flirting when they were really just being nice. Being nice can look like flirting, especially if the girl is attractive and the guy is...a guy (gross generalizations ahoy!)

These assumptions can really put a damper on flirting. And on being nice. [Not that I have a problem with being nice. Au contraire. I have been known to shut a guy down with a single look. What can I say. It's a gift.]

Which is to say, what's wrong with a little flirtation?

I think I know what you mean though. What if you date a girl who flirts with every guy and she doesn't stop flirting with every guy? What if you leave the table to go to the restroom and come back to find her engaging in playful banter with the waiter?

I can think of only one good reason not to date a girl who flirts with every guy. If she has unresolved insecurity issues, no amount of attention will ever be enough. And that could cause problems.

"How to ask for girls number at work without hitting on her"

This is very easy to do. Just say, "Hey, if I need to call you for [insert reason here], can I get your number?"

On the other hand, if you are hitting on her, then it will probably be obvious, and no amount of "I'm not hitting on you or anything, but can I have your number?" is going to help.

This has more to do with your intentions than the actual content of the question.

Face it. You are hitting on her. And yes, it's obvious.

Advice From the Google Trenches: How to Catch a Christian Girl, Hitting on a Girl Through Text, and "My Job Doesn't Challenge Me"

Hi everyone! This is the third installment of "advice based on Google search queries from someone who has little to no idea what she is talking about." Thanks for joining me. You can read the first two installments here and here.

"My job doesn't challenge me"

I'm sorry to hear that. You are certainly not alone. I worked a long, long 10-month slog in a job that didn't challenge me. 10 months doesn't seem like a long time now, but at the time it seemed like an eternity.

Have you tried finding another job that does challenge you? If that's not an option, you could:

Spend your work downtime learning a new skill. This could be something related to your current job (e.g. make you more promotable) or something related to the job you wish you had (programming, graphic design, another language).

Teach someone something. You could write the book (metaphorically or literally) on how to do your job and do it well. Start a company wiki. Develop new processes that help you and others work better, faster.

Find a problem to solve. Solving problems can be challenging. Find a problem related to your job and try to solve it. Maybe the printer gets jammed at the same time every Tuesday. Maybe your office runs out of staples at least twice a month. Just think of the possibilities!

"Hitting on a girl through text"

Speaking only for myself here, I'm not a huge fan of getting hit on via text message, but then again, I'm not in high school. Scratch that. Even if I were in high school, I wouldn't want to get hit on via text message. Sure, it's easy, noncommittal, and you can do it with multiple girls at once, but--

1. She will know you are putting out the least amount of effort possible.
2. If she doesn't like you, hitting on her via text won't win her over.
3. Text messages don't contain useful information like body language, voice inflection, and facial expression.
4. If you're hitting on her anyway, why not just ask her out? Say, "Hey ___, would you like to go do ____ at such-and-such a time?"

"When you are single and no one asks you out"

Hmm, I wasn't aware people were still getting asked out. As far as I can tell, guys are texting girls "Hey" and writing "LOL" on their facebook walls.

You are not alone. Oh wait. You are. Ha. Hehehehehehe. Heh.

Have you tried asking him/her out instead? If that's too intimidating, you could just ask them to "hang out." Or forget that, try flirting with someone cute. No expectations.

"How to catch a Christian girl"

First, you need to isolate the Christian Girl within her natural habitat--LifeWay Christian Bookstore. Second, you need to know that Christian girls LOVE PB & Nutella sandwiches. Love them. The only thing they want more? Marriage. That's right. Lure them in with a PB & Nutella sandwich, then drop them with the marriage harpoon. Sample phrases:

"I'm really looking forward to having a wife to iron my shirts."
"All I want is a family. And a farm. Maybe a few chickens."
"Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?"

She won't know what hit her.

Advice From the Google Trenches: Hitting on Girls, Respect at Work, and Why a Guy Might Think You're Desperate

And we're back! It's time for the next installment of "advice you didn't really ask for based on google search queries that led to this blog." You can find the first installment here. Let's get down to it.

"How to hit on a girl"

Today is your lucky day. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: you can talk to girls as if they are real people. Seriously! I'm not joking. Oh, you want me to be more specific? Okay.

1) Make eye contact. I'm not saying stare intensely into her eyes--I am saying don't stare at the ground the entire time if you can help it.
2) Smile. More specifically, smile while making eye contact. Be prepared to catch her if she swoons.
3) Ask her questions, preferably about herself.
4) Listen intently to what she says. You can even repeat back key points, so she knows you're paying attention.
5) Watch your body language. Are you facing toward her, facing her at an angle, or facing completely away? If you're making eye contact and smiling, this shouldn't be an issue.
6) If you are talking to a girl and you like her, it will probably be obvious that you like her. Hitting-on-girl mission accomplished.
7) It's okay to be nervous. If she likes you, she'll probably think it's cute.

If you're ready for some next level stuff, I suggest reading this post over at LABullets. Be careful though--it's not for the faint of heart.

"Thoughts about work and respect"

I have a lot of thoughts about work and respect:
-Playful banter and/or ribbing is not the same as disrespect. Of course, every workplace is different.
-If you feel you are not getting the respect you are due, there could be a deeper issue.
-This deeper issue could be with you--are you placing your worth in your job? Will any amount of respect ever be enough? Imagine getting what you want. How would it make you feel?
-This deeper issue could be with workplace dynamics or politics. It could have nothing to do with you.
-If someone condescends to you or puts you down, it might be worth it to call them out on it--to say, "Hey, what do you mean by that?"
-Ultimately, you can't change someone else's behavior or attitude. Think about why this is so important to you. Can you make peace with not getting the respect you think you deserve? If not, it might be time to look for a different job.

"Why a guy might think you're desperate"

Whoa. Hold up right there, girlfriend. Did a guy actually tell you he thinks you're desperate? No? Then what are you worried about?

There's tons of advice out there (I should know, I googled it) on not appearing desperate. But chances are if you're asking why a guy might think you're desperate, you're too self-aware to actually be desperate.

Desperate people are not self-aware. They are too busy etching their crushes' names into their forearms.

Speaking of which, if you like a guy, it's okay to tell him. Telling him does not make you desperate. Flirting with him does not make you desperate. Wanting a boyfriend does not make you desperate. Holding someone's favorite stuffed animal hostage until he agrees to date you--that makes you desperate.

Your question does bring up another issue: the difficulty of navigating the often contradictory demands placed on women by contemporary culture: being sexy, but not slutty; being intelligent, but non-threatening; being attractive, but low-maintenance; being independent, but still needing a man; being just-interested-enough, but not desperate. You can read more about this here.

Now, if you'll excuse me--I need to go mail this ransom note from "Binky."