Is it Awkward to Date Someone From Your Church? & Why You Should Hit on Women at Church ... Stay Tuned

There's a lot of angst over dating within the church (as if anyone needed a few dozen Google searches to figure that out). This post is dedicated to the trials, tribulations and titillations of church dating. All questions brought to you by a search engine near you! 

"I really like a boy that goes to my church"

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that churches are veritable hotbeds of unrequited longing. Welcome to the club, my friend.

Okay, so you like this boy. Is he single? What are you waiting for? Sit beside him at church at the next available opportunity. Careful though! You only want to sit by him. Avoid eye contact or any form of "talk." In fact, pretend he doesn't exist while taking copious notes on the sermon. 

This is a widely recognized form of Christian courtship. Anything else and you'll come across as too pushy. And if there's anything a church boy likes less than a chili cook-off before ultimate frisbee, it's a pushy woman.

"The woman in church is attracted to you where will she sit[?]"

Attracted to you = As close as Christianly possible

Not attracted to you = With her friends, several rows down.

You are Ryan Gosling = In your lap

Realize that she is making a conscious choice and that it absolutely relates to you and her level of attraction to you. These things must be read carefully and with attention to nuance, like the Book of Revelation or the entrails of a ground squirrel.

"There are no girls in my church"

That's awful. I would suggest finding a new church, posthaste. Given your church's stance on gender segregation, I would carefully review their mission, vision and core values. Compare these to the teachings of Jesus and make your decision accordingly.

If that's not possible, there's always eHarmony. I hear they have a favorable male/female ratio. [But be wary of their doctrine of the trinity]

"Is it awkward to date someone from your church[?]"

So awkward. However, judging from some of these other queries, the only thing more awkward than dating in church is not dating in church--I imagine single guys and girls completely shutting down in the presence of the desired sex.

The problem--as I see it: some single and seeking church members completely missed "Flirting & Attraction 101." They are unable to accurately gauge the interest or lack of interest displayed by another person. They are likewise unable to constructively and lightheartedly display interest in another person. 

Maybe it's because the stakes (marriage) feel too high. And if them's the stakes, why even play? 

"Why you should hit on women at church" 

Some of you guys/girls need to lay off the hitting on for a bit. Stop playing the field and be the field, so to speak. I mean, good grief, you start chatting up everything with a Bible and a smile. You're making people uncomfortable. You read "desperate." Just stop. Take a break.

Others of you...maybe you've given up altogether and you're just going to church for the "fellowship." Good for you. But if you feel like maybe someday in the future possibly if the timing's right you might I dunno potentially want to date someone who goes to your church--

Ask them out.

Advice From the Google Trenches: Why Men Hug Women They Aren't Dating, How to Tell if a Girl is Hitting on You Through Facebook and No One Has Ever Asked Me Out

This is the fifth installment of "people using Google for advice and somehow ending up at my blog." You can find the other exciting episodes here, here, here and here.

"Why men hug women they aren't dating"

Wait. You mean there is a man out there who hugs women he isn't dating? What a perv!

The next time he goes in for a hug, stop him in his tracks and say, "Excuse me, sir. I need to know your intentions before I agree to hug you."

Just kidding.

Let me take a tentative side-hug at this: A guy (and I'm not naming names here) hugged you (also not naming names because I have no clue who you are) and you want to know if there's something behind it. Like an uncontrollable desire to date you. But maybe he's dating someone else.

A hug can mean a lot of things, like "I'm sorry that your fish died in that freak blender accident" or "Why are we hugging again?" But sometimes a hug is just a hug. Don't overthink it. Now fist-bumps on the other hand...

"If someone asks you out on a date are you a couple?"

No.

"Should you hit on a girl on facebook?"

No!

"How to tell if a girl is hitting on you through facebook"

I would say it's pretty obvious, but in case you're feeling obtuse:

1. She likes all your status updates. Stati. Whatever.
2. She often comments on your posts, if only to say LOL or OMG or OMG THAT KITTEH IS ADORBS!!!
3. She initiates fb chat with you.
4. She suddenly "likes" all of the same things you "like," developing newfound interest for Dragon Ball Z, pleated jeans and competitive bearding. And finally...
5. Your in-person conversations reveal that she is constantly facebook stalking you highly attuned to what's going on in your life.

"No one has ever asked me out" see also "No one decent asks me out" 

Just look at the syntax of that sentence: "No one has ever asked me out." You are making "no one" the grammatical subject of your dating life. Not cool.

Don't project your insecurities onto someone who doesn't even exist. Don't judge yourself by the quality of your suitors (what constitutes "decent" anyway?). You are amazing. And no one can change that, whether they ask you out or not. 

Advice From the Google Trenches: A Guy Asks You Out After a Year, Reasons Not To Date a Girl Who Flirts With Every Guy, and How To Ask For a Girl's Number at Work Without Hitting on Her

This is the fourth installment in "Ask me anything via Google search." You can find the first three installments here, here, and here.

"A guy asks you out after a year lust or like[?]"

Why can't it be both? Or he likes you because he's attracted to you? Or he asked you out after a year because he realizes he likes you?

I'm not sure what you're worried about. Perhaps he is only asking you out because he has already exhausted the supply of available romantic partners. But I doubt that's the case. Plus, he is deliberately asking you out (I assume). That really means something.

If you've known this guy for a year, you probably already know whether he's a good guy or not. If he's a good guy, why not go out with him.

Here's the thing about intentions: they are always revealed with time. Sure, a guy's intentions might be less than sincere. But the only way to know that is through his actions. I've definitely wondered about a guy's intentions before. However, I've come to believe that a guy's intentions (good, bad, or indifferent) are not my burden to carry.

Saying that, you might also keep in mind that men (and women) often state their intentions in so many words. For example, the classic "I'm really not looking for a relationship right now."

Pay attention to what he says, but more than that, pay attention to what he does.

"Reasons not to date a girl who flirts with every guy"

I've had friends who have been accused of flirting when they were really just being nice. Being nice can look like flirting, especially if the girl is attractive and the guy is...a guy (gross generalizations ahoy!)

These assumptions can really put a damper on flirting. And on being nice. [Not that I have a problem with being nice. Au contraire. I have been known to shut a guy down with a single look. What can I say. It's a gift.]

Which is to say, what's wrong with a little flirtation?

I think I know what you mean though. What if you date a girl who flirts with every guy and she doesn't stop flirting with every guy? What if you leave the table to go to the restroom and come back to find her engaging in playful banter with the waiter?

I can think of only one good reason not to date a girl who flirts with every guy. If she has unresolved insecurity issues, no amount of attention will ever be enough. And that could cause problems.

"How to ask for girls number at work without hitting on her"

This is very easy to do. Just say, "Hey, if I need to call you for [insert reason here], can I get your number?"

On the other hand, if you are hitting on her, then it will probably be obvious, and no amount of "I'm not hitting on you or anything, but can I have your number?" is going to help.

This has more to do with your intentions than the actual content of the question.

Face it. You are hitting on her. And yes, it's obvious.

Advice From the Google Trenches: How to Catch a Christian Girl, Hitting on a Girl Through Text, and "My Job Doesn't Challenge Me"

Hi everyone! This is the third installment of "advice based on Google search queries from someone who has little to no idea what she is talking about." Thanks for joining me. You can read the first two installments here and here.

"My job doesn't challenge me"

I'm sorry to hear that. You are certainly not alone. I worked a long, long 10-month slog in a job that didn't challenge me. 10 months doesn't seem like a long time now, but at the time it seemed like an eternity.

Have you tried finding another job that does challenge you? If that's not an option, you could:

Spend your work downtime learning a new skill. This could be something related to your current job (e.g. make you more promotable) or something related to the job you wish you had (programming, graphic design, another language).

Teach someone something. You could write the book (metaphorically or literally) on how to do your job and do it well. Start a company wiki. Develop new processes that help you and others work better, faster.

Find a problem to solve. Solving problems can be challenging. Find a problem related to your job and try to solve it. Maybe the printer gets jammed at the same time every Tuesday. Maybe your office runs out of staples at least twice a month. Just think of the possibilities!

"Hitting on a girl through text"

Speaking only for myself here, I'm not a huge fan of getting hit on via text message, but then again, I'm not in high school. Scratch that. Even if I were in high school, I wouldn't want to get hit on via text message. Sure, it's easy, noncommittal, and you can do it with multiple girls at once, but--

1. She will know you are putting out the least amount of effort possible.
2. If she doesn't like you, hitting on her via text won't win her over.
3. Text messages don't contain useful information like body language, voice inflection, and facial expression.
4. If you're hitting on her anyway, why not just ask her out? Say, "Hey ___, would you like to go do ____ at such-and-such a time?"

"When you are single and no one asks you out"

Hmm, I wasn't aware people were still getting asked out. As far as I can tell, guys are texting girls "Hey" and writing "LOL" on their facebook walls.

You are not alone. Oh wait. You are. Ha. Hehehehehehe. Heh.

Have you tried asking him/her out instead? If that's too intimidating, you could just ask them to "hang out." Or forget that, try flirting with someone cute. No expectations.

"How to catch a Christian girl"

First, you need to isolate the Christian Girl within her natural habitat--LifeWay Christian Bookstore. Second, you need to know that Christian girls LOVE PB & Nutella sandwiches. Love them. The only thing they want more? Marriage. That's right. Lure them in with a PB & Nutella sandwich, then drop them with the marriage harpoon. Sample phrases:

"I'm really looking forward to having a wife to iron my shirts."
"All I want is a family. And a farm. Maybe a few chickens."
"Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?"

She won't know what hit her.

Advice From the Google Trenches: Hitting on Girls, Respect at Work, and Why a Guy Might Think You're Desperate

And we're back! It's time for the next installment of "advice you didn't really ask for based on google search queries that led to this blog." You can find the first installment here. Let's get down to it.

"How to hit on a girl"

Today is your lucky day. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: you can talk to girls as if they are real people. Seriously! I'm not joking. Oh, you want me to be more specific? Okay.

1) Make eye contact. I'm not saying stare intensely into her eyes--I am saying don't stare at the ground the entire time if you can help it.
2) Smile. More specifically, smile while making eye contact. Be prepared to catch her if she swoons.
3) Ask her questions, preferably about herself.
4) Listen intently to what she says. You can even repeat back key points, so she knows you're paying attention.
5) Watch your body language. Are you facing toward her, facing her at an angle, or facing completely away? If you're making eye contact and smiling, this shouldn't be an issue.
6) If you are talking to a girl and you like her, it will probably be obvious that you like her. Hitting-on-girl mission accomplished.
7) It's okay to be nervous. If she likes you, she'll probably think it's cute.

If you're ready for some next level stuff, I suggest reading this post over at LABullets. Be careful though--it's not for the faint of heart.

"Thoughts about work and respect"

I have a lot of thoughts about work and respect:
-Playful banter and/or ribbing is not the same as disrespect. Of course, every workplace is different.
-If you feel you are not getting the respect you are due, there could be a deeper issue.
-This deeper issue could be with you--are you placing your worth in your job? Will any amount of respect ever be enough? Imagine getting what you want. How would it make you feel?
-This deeper issue could be with workplace dynamics or politics. It could have nothing to do with you.
-If someone condescends to you or puts you down, it might be worth it to call them out on it--to say, "Hey, what do you mean by that?"
-Ultimately, you can't change someone else's behavior or attitude. Think about why this is so important to you. Can you make peace with not getting the respect you think you deserve? If not, it might be time to look for a different job.

"Why a guy might think you're desperate"

Whoa. Hold up right there, girlfriend. Did a guy actually tell you he thinks you're desperate? No? Then what are you worried about?

There's tons of advice out there (I should know, I googled it) on not appearing desperate. But chances are if you're asking why a guy might think you're desperate, you're too self-aware to actually be desperate.

Desperate people are not self-aware. They are too busy etching their crushes' names into their forearms.

Speaking of which, if you like a guy, it's okay to tell him. Telling him does not make you desperate. Flirting with him does not make you desperate. Wanting a boyfriend does not make you desperate. Holding someone's favorite stuffed animal hostage until he agrees to date you--that makes you desperate.

Your question does bring up another issue: the difficulty of navigating the often contradictory demands placed on women by contemporary culture: being sexy, but not slutty; being intelligent, but non-threatening; being attractive, but low-maintenance; being independent, but still needing a man; being just-interested-enough, but not desperate. You can read more about this here.

Now, if you'll excuse me--I need to go mail this ransom note from "Binky."

Advice From the Google Trenches: Your Dating Queries Answered

I'm probably the least qualified person to dish out advice about dating. If you poured all of my serious relationships into a measuring device, you would still be 1/4 cup short on flour to make chocolate chip cookies. Or something like that. But for some reason, Google keeps sending me people who seem in need of a little relational help. So here goes nothing--straight from the search engine that brought you such hits as "Gmail" and "Google+", I bring you the following search queries:

"How to ask a guy to sit with you at church"

My advice: Don't do it! Are you ready to marry this guy? No? Then don't ask him to sit next to you at church. We all know what that means. No good can come of it. But if you must, here's how the conversation might go down:

INT. CHURCH FOYER

You: Hey, where are you sitting?
Him: I'm not sure yet. Wanna join me?

There you go.

"When no one asks you out"

Wow. This makes me sad. I'm sorry that no one is asking you out. Have you thought about asking them out instead? I know rejection is rough, but who knows, he/she could say yes. Also, there are other ways to pursue someone other than asking them out. I hear from other women a lot that "no one pursues me." This could mean a lot of different things. Just make sure it doesn't mean, "No one is asking me out, therefore I am completely undesirable." Because that's not true. And if you feel that way, it has very little to do with the fact that no one is asking you out.

"How to hit on a girl on facebook"

For the love of Myspace. Why would you think that hitting on a girl on facebook is a good idea? I have never had a guy hit on me on facebook and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm so impressed. I can't believe this guy had the guts to hit on me via social media." And those other articles about facebook flirting--did you notice how they're all written by guys? Don't believe the hype. Facebook + You !=  The second incarnation of Casanova.

"Christian girls guide to wedding"

You are at the wrong blog, my friend. Let me suggest you check out Pinterest instead.

"Christian girls just not into you"

Ooh. Would this be all Christian girls, ever? Or just the ones you've been asking out? Are you "that guy"?

You might be that guy if...

You immediately ask out every cute girl who walks in the doors of your church.
You've hit on that one girl. And her friend. And her other friend. All within the same 15 minutes.
You're not sure why the girl you've been calling, texting, or emailing never responds.
You are completely oblivious about being that guy.

Maybe you're not that guy. Maybe she's just not that into you. As I remember, the point of the book was to find someone who is into you instead of pursuing the ones who are not.

This concludes the first round of "ask me anything via a google search that leads you to my blog." I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I have.