How To Be Friends With a Girl, Part 2

If I was barely qualified to write the last installment, How To Be Friends With a Girl, I am even less qualified to write this sequel, How to be Friends with a Girl, Part 2 or "How To Be Friends With a Girl If You Are a Girl."

All of my best friends are girls. However, this is by no means through my own efforts and/or merit. There are people who are good at making friends and there are people who are not so good at making friends. I would fall into the latter category. Blame it on my rugged individualism or general lack of social skills. Or the fact that I don't usually like talking to people I don't know.

Let's just say that I love my friends and I don't know how they put up with me.

But how do you do it? Make friends with other women, I mean. It can't be that hard...right?

Again, I am the wrong person to be giving advice here. But let me introduce you to my buddy Aristotle. Aristotle believed that there are three types of friends:

Friend A is the life of the party. She knows all the best clubs, wears all the best clothes, and drives a Mini. You call her when you want to go out and have a good time.

Friend B always has the hookup--she knows everybody. If you are looking for an industry job or selling your script, she knows exactly who you need to talk to.

Friend C is someone you both like and admire. You two share common interests, work cooperatively toward common goals, and generally enjoy each other's company.

In sum, there are three types of friendship: friendships based on pleasure, friendships based on utility, and friendships based on character. Or, in other words, we are friends with someone because she is either pleasant, useful, or good [in the Aristotelian sense].

Aristotle advocates for the third type of friendship, in which you value your friend for herself, and not because she is fun to be around or because she can do something for you.

If we're honest, we've probably all been someone's friend because it was either pleasant or convenient--she had a car and we didn't, or she liked playing Super Mario Brothers, and so did we.

But ideally, we want Friend C.

Problems arise when these motivations are in conflict: Friend X chooses Friend Y out of utility, while Friend Y chooses Friend X for herself. There's a lack of reciprocity.

Of course, if we value a friend for herself, she is by default both pleasant and useful to us, not because we automatically "use" our friends, but because being friends with someone of good character is always beneficial: "With friends men are more able both to think and act" [from Nicomachean Ethics].

Friends are necessary for a virtuous (good) life. I quote:

"Between friends there is no need for justice, but people who are just still need the quality of friendship; and indeed friendship is considered to be justice in the fullest sense."

When both friends are good (equal in virtue), reciprocity (justice) is not an issue. It exists by definition between two people of good character. When you want the best for your friend and she wants the best for you--it's not a question of justice. Rather, friendship is a context for the exercise of virtue.

The good things you do for a friend, you in a sense do for yourself, without expecting anything in return. I certainly feel this way with my close friends. I feel almost selfish wanting to spend time with them because I enjoy their company so much.

If I have any advice on making friends with a girl (or anyone really), it would be: 

1. Look for similar interests.

2. Look for someone whose values you admire.

3. Compliment her taste.

4. Work on a common goal together.

Oh, and read Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics. Brilliant stuff.

Shame, Entitlement, and the Reluctant A-hole

At my work we recently discussed the "Asshole Rule": If you meet more than three assholes in one day, you're the asshole [somehow this translated into, "If you own three or more cats, you are a cat lady/man, but I digress.]

Yes, we have all met a few assholes in our lives. We've probably even been the asshole on a few choice occasions. But what, exactly, makes an asshole an asshole?

Alex Balk quotes Aaron James as follows in his article The A-hole in the Mirror:

"A person counts as an asshole when, and only when, he systematically allows himself to enjoy special advantages in interpersonal relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people."

[from Assholes: A Theory]

That's as good a definition as I've ever heard.

That guy laying on the horn because you're not turning left fast enough for his taste? Yeah, definitely an asshole. A typical LA asshole, to be exact. He feels entitled to get through that light as fast as humanly possible, and no dinky 1988 Honda is going to stand in his way.

It's not just Angelenos, though. Millennials, especially, are known for their sense of entitlement--we were raised on self-esteem and certificates praising our mere participation.

And my first thought is: I can't possibly be an asshole. I'm way too introspective. 'Cause, you know, self-absorbed people can't be assholes. Even so, I prefer "rough around the edges" or alternatively, "slightly oblivious to other people's feelings."

I could tell many stories of how I've slighted other people's feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Some of them leave me cringing in shame. Others elicit confusion more than anything else--I said that? I did that? You felt that way, because of me? Yeah, that's me. The asshole.

I don't know about you, but it's disheartening to realize that the same things that made me an asshole 10 years ago are the same things that make me an asshole today. 

What's a regretful asshole to do? I would say guilt and efforts at self-reformation, but I've been down that path before and I can't say it worked.

But what about this question of entitlement?

The thing about entitlement is that it's often unconscious. We're not even aware of it, and the same goes for privilege. I am both entitled and privileged in many different ways. To frame it in another manner, I'm spoiled. Flat out.

If I'm really honest, I feel a sense of entitlement about things that don't make a whole lot of sense. Things like, getting a job/promotion/raise because I deserve it, never having car trouble, ever, everyone liking me all the time, always (or at least not hating my guts), dating and eventually marrying a really cute guy, never having to deal with someone else's jealousy, envy, or insecurity--I could go on. In a sense, it all boils down to deserving and/or earning the good things that I get--instead of acknowledging that everything good comes from God, including my gifts, personality, strengths, weaknesses.

But what happens when I don't get what I should--by rights--get? What happens when I accomplish something significant and don't get the praise or the promotion that is my due? Or when my car breaks down? Or I don't get the guy?

Anger. That's what happens. I can't seem to let go of my pride and my self-reliance. I want so much to deserve the good things. Or, I try harder. Maybe if I...then I'll get...

And If I'm honest, I feel angry and hurt that some of my strongest personality traits tend to make me the asshole, to leave me wondering what I've done wrong or whom I've inadvertently offended once again. As if all my good intentions (or a lack of intention) are completely meaningless, when it comes down to it.

I'm not talking about your typical, everyday, run-of-the-mill assholery. I can be plenty selfish and insensitive. I'm talking about the things that I do because, as best as I can tell, that's just the way I'm wired: independent, driven, focused, self-sufficient, ambitious.

And I can't help wondering, did God create me this way for a reason, or am I just muddling along here, doing the best that I can.

To read more about a-holes:
Review of Assholes: A Theory
Interview with Geoffrey Nunger, author of Ascent of the A-word
Review of The No Asshole Rule by Robert Sutton
GQ article about how nerds can be a-holes too (linking assholery to insecurity)

Advice From the Google Trenches: Your Dating Queries Answered

I'm probably the least qualified person to dish out advice about dating. If you poured all of my serious relationships into a measuring device, you would still be 1/4 cup short on flour to make chocolate chip cookies. Or something like that. But for some reason, Google keeps sending me people who seem in need of a little relational help. So here goes nothing--straight from the search engine that brought you such hits as "Gmail" and "Google+", I bring you the following search queries:

"How to ask a guy to sit with you at church"

My advice: Don't do it! Are you ready to marry this guy? No? Then don't ask him to sit next to you at church. We all know what that means. No good can come of it. But if you must, here's how the conversation might go down:

INT. CHURCH FOYER

You: Hey, where are you sitting?
Him: I'm not sure yet. Wanna join me?

There you go.

"When no one asks you out"

Wow. This makes me sad. I'm sorry that no one is asking you out. Have you thought about asking them out instead? I know rejection is rough, but who knows, he/she could say yes. Also, there are other ways to pursue someone other than asking them out. I hear from other women a lot that "no one pursues me." This could mean a lot of different things. Just make sure it doesn't mean, "No one is asking me out, therefore I am completely undesirable." Because that's not true. And if you feel that way, it has very little to do with the fact that no one is asking you out.

"How to hit on a girl on facebook"

For the love of Myspace. Why would you think that hitting on a girl on facebook is a good idea? I have never had a guy hit on me on facebook and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm so impressed. I can't believe this guy had the guts to hit on me via social media." And those other articles about facebook flirting--did you notice how they're all written by guys? Don't believe the hype. Facebook + You !=  The second incarnation of Casanova.

"Christian girls guide to wedding"

You are at the wrong blog, my friend. Let me suggest you check out Pinterest instead.

"Christian girls just not into you"

Ooh. Would this be all Christian girls, ever? Or just the ones you've been asking out? Are you "that guy"?

You might be that guy if...

You immediately ask out every cute girl who walks in the doors of your church.
You've hit on that one girl. And her friend. And her other friend. All within the same 15 minutes.
You're not sure why the girl you've been calling, texting, or emailing never responds.
You are completely oblivious about being that guy.

Maybe you're not that guy. Maybe she's just not that into you. As I remember, the point of the book was to find someone who is into you instead of pursuing the ones who are not.

This concludes the first round of "ask me anything via a google search that leads you to my blog." I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I have.

How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by Rob

Last time I wrote about Working for Free Without Losing Your Self-respect. In this post, you are working for money, not Kit Kats. Congratulations!

However, chances are, you are not yet getting paid to do what you really want to do. You are working a day job--slightly pleasant, less than stimulating, occasionally tedious. Welcome to the next 40 years of your life.

Just kidding.

I believe that you are meant for bigger and better things. But in the meantime, here are some tips to get you through. First--a little contextualizing background: After working for free for a couple months and a month or so of funemployment (I was actually pretty bored), I got a real job working in data entry. So, here goes:

1. Feed your mind.

I may or may not have "watched" an entire four seasons of Grey's Anatomy at my previous day/survival job. Hey. Don't judge. Those were desperate times.

Ok, so don't do what I did and watch trashy TV. If you work at a job that doesn't engage your mind, find something that does. I recommend:

This American Life
Audiobooks. They could save you. Many libraries offer audiobooks for download (no late fees!).
Itunes U

2. Pay your rent.

This may seem obvious, but if you are not making enough money in your day gig to afford rent, you might want to consider getting another job. Or two. Don't go into debt if you can help it. It's not worth it, and chances are you're not going to sell your brilliant screenplay for $$$ just yet.

3. Pursue your passions [on the side].

It can be easy to lose sight of why you moved to Los Angeles in the first place. Just because you're working a day job, doesn't mean you can't pursue your passions. Make time for writing, or acting, or shooting. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the tedium of 9-5 can be a shot in the arm, creatively speaking.

4. Flexibility FTW

If you get to choose your day job, I would choose something that gives you the flexibility to pursue your passions. Sometimes, it can be a trade off between pay and flexibility, but if you can get both--my job was more of a survival job [as in, barely making enough to survive], but it did give me the flexibility to work other, filmmaking type jobs. I lucked out. Ideally, your work will support you and your goals.

5. Respect your work.

At the same time, it's important to respect the work that you do, that people are counting on you to do your job and do it well, whether that's pulling pints or packing boxes. Respect your boss, respect your co-workers, respect the work.

6. Write it down.

If you are working a particularly boring job, you will have a TON of ideas. A ton. Make sure to write them down (if it doesn't interrupt your work). Scribble stuff in a notebook on your lunch break. Brainstorm during your commute. Take advantage of the ideas that come to you when you're not even trying.

7. Surrender your expectations.

This is a tough one. But if you can, work on letting go of your expectations for success--of what you "should" have achieved by now. Yes, some of your peers will be more successful than you at this stage. So what? You are not your job. And besides, the job that's going to fulfill you completely doesn't even exist. If you're currently working a survival job, I highly recommend reading this post (part of a great series) about underemployment: I Work, Therefore I Am.

8. This is only a phase.

I repeat: this is only a phase. Yeah, I guess you could end up working at Chipotle for the rest of your life, but I highly doubt it. I bet you 12 Kit Kats you'll end up doing something else. I used to stalk about mentally wringing my hands over how I was "wasting my life" working a job that didn't challenge me. Take heart. There is more.

Tune in next time for "Your First Real Industry Job: Don't Screw It Up."

Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect

In my last post, I wrote about three unpaid, short-term jobs I worked shortly after moving to LA. And last I checked, my self-respect was still (mostly) intact, making me a clear expert on this topic. These mostly apply to trying to break into the film industry, but I suppose they could apply in other fields as well. Here are some tips:

1. Put a time limit on it.

Do: Decide in advance how long you will work without pay.
Don't: Keep working for free until your savings are gone.

"Unpaid internship" is not a euphemism for "slave labor." Or at least it shouldn't be. Don't work for free for too long. Put a time limit on it--a month, three months. One year is too long (if you're not in school). If you're working in an unpaid internship and they haven't even hinted about giving you a job after three months--it's probably time to thank them kindly for the valuable experience, ask for a good reference, and move on. It's a lot like dating: If they're still not ready to make it official, it's probably not meant to be.

2. Watch your expenses.

Do: Work odd jobs to make money.
Don't: Eat at the Cheesecake Factory every night. [Plus, cholesterol!]

This goes with out saying--if you're working for free, you're probably not making a lot of money in general, so avoid spending what you do make. I was lucky. When I first moved to LA, I immediately got a temp job working at a media conference that lasted for a week. Subsequent to that, I got another extremely short-term gig that paid pretty well because I was working a double-shift. If you're making money at another job...

3. Save your ass off while working your ass off.

Do: Your job. Well.
Don't: Kill yourself.

Give it your all. You have nothing to lose (literally). If you work hard and don't complain, people will remember you. Being happy and nice doesn't hurt either.

4. Network, network, network

Do: Tell people you are looking for more gigs.
Don't: Hand out your resume between takes.

Make friends. Friends is how you will get jobs. Friends = jobs. Remember that.

5. Take advantage of craft services. [There is such a thing as a free lunch.]

Do: Take leftovers home, if appropriate.
Don't: Steal all the peanut M&Ms. They will find you. And they will kill you.

Anyone who knows me knows that craft services is pretty much my favorite thing ever. On the films I worked on, I was often the one buying the craft services (Win!) Eating on set will help you save money. One solid meal a day can go a long way, and often the company is paying you with meals and things. So enjoy the perks, I mean, red vines.

6. Keep your receipts.

Do: Remember to ask for a receipt.
Don't: Spend your own money on production expenses.

If the company is reimbursing you for lunches or gas, make sure to keep your receipts. If you are spending petty cash, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS. Learn how to ask for a receipt in Spanish, if necessary.

7. Don't tolerate disrespect or harassment.

Do: Tell someone if you're not comfortable or don't feel safe doing something you've been asked to do.
Don't: Try to deal with HR type problems on your own.

If you are working for free and the company/production is mistreating or abusing you--call me and I will come punch them in the face. But seriously. That is unacceptable. If someone harasses you, say something. You are more important than any film.

8. Give thanks.

Do: Wash the dishes.
Don't: Overstay your welcome.

Working for free is a privilege that many cannot afford, because they have to pay for stuff like "rent" and "daycare." Thank those who have helped you [or are helping you] along the way. I was lucky enough to live with my aunt and uncle rent-free for a few months before moving in with roommates. I couldn't have done it without them.

9. Get a job. [Do I sound like your parents yet? Good.]

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must "get a real job." If your time limit is up (and before your savings run out), start looking for a job that pays. Any job. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. When it comes to survival jobs, I like to quote the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. You know what's worse than working as a barista? Living out of your car or being a freeloader eternal.

Finally, like the old college motto says, respice finem, or "Look to the end." Why are you working for free? Hopefully, you are working for free in order to eventually get a job. But in the short-term, what are you looking for: To support a cause you believe in? To make connections? To meet interesting people? To have an adventure? To get up at 5:30am every single day and drive from Torrance to West Hollywood?

These are all valid reasons. Just know why you are giving of your time and yourself. Make sure it's worth it.

Tune in next time for How to Survive a Day Job Without Losing Your Mind.

"She works hard for (no) money": Copy/Meal/Credit, Unpaid Internships, and the Vagaries of Finding Work in Hollywood

[or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Craigslist]

We all know there is no such thing as a free . Working for free is by its nature an unsustainable prospect (unless you are independently wealthy or win the lottery). However, sometimes an English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do what an-English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do to break into the entertainment industry. Namely, work for free.

Let us call this "The Tale of Three Internships" (because "The Tale of Three Volunteer Work Experiences" doesn't sound as catchy):

Internship #1 - In which I enjoy free lunches and 3D footage of hot air balloons, but am lured away by more exciting opportunities.

October 2010: When I first moved to LA in from Kansas City, Missouri as a basically broke recent grad, I did the only logical thing possible--I applied to anything and everything on Craigslist that sounded even remotely interesting (or that paid). 

Subsequently, I was offered an unpaid editing internship at a 3D production company. Cool, 3D. Those were my thoughts. I was also pretty psyched to intern in the editing department. The perks included free lunches on the days you worked and a low-key, friendly work environment. Plus, 3D! 

I organized clips into bins, added logging notes, researched music, and did stringouts for the editors. 

This was a pretty cool internship. But then...

Internship #2 - In which I work as an assistant on an ultra-low-budget film shooting all over Hollywood with name stars and a director of note.

I met this guy at a Thanksgiving party for LA orphans and he connected me to a producer looking for interns. It would be one week of prep and two weeks of shooting on an ultra-low-budget film. Sign me up, I said!

I was excited to be back on set. The people were, of course, amazing, and I discovered once again the strange co-relation between how hard you're working and how much fun you're having. On one of our craziest days, I ended up valeting multiple vehicles and parking them along a narrow, windy drive lined on either side with a low stone wall. Me! Parking cars! It was simultaneously terrible (more like terrifying) and really good fun.

We wrapped after 12 days of shooting and then it was Christmas! I went through post-wrap depression until I got a call...

Internship #3 - In which I am a natural at driving in Tijuana, Mexico [read: I drove like someone who is completely INSANE] and I eat a lot of tacos while being terrified to cross the border but crossing it anyway, multiple times, both ways.

Early in January I got a call from a producer who had received my resume. All I knew was that they were shooting in Mexico and looking for volunteer crew members. I quickly signed on as the assistant production coordinator/driver/craft services/catch-all title.

Where to begin: Volunteer cast and crew. Inspiring subject matter. Mexico. The best popsicles I have ever eaten in my entire life. I had a blast.

It was also extremely challenging. I would drive around and get lost constantly (Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction? That I don't speak Spanish? That I didn't have a map? Or a GPS?) I would just keep driving until I found the main highway. I could find my way from there.

My main job was to pick up actors from LA across the border in the good 'ol US of A and bring them back into Tijuana. On my first time attempting to re-enter my native land, I took the wrong lane. The immigration officer was so kind. He let me off with a warning. And the threat of a $5,000 fine should it happen again.

The people were great though, and that's generally all that matters.

Thus concludes my tale of three internships. None of them led to a steady, paying job, but I don't regret doing them.

Tune in next time for the advice portion of this program: "Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect."

How to be Friends with a Girl

I haven't been very successful in guy/girl platonic friendships. But, here I am, writing a blog post about how to be friends with a girl (wishful thinking on my part that someday I'll have guy friends like this?). So let's just pretend that I know what I'm talking about.

Never Compare Her to Other Girls

Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. This habit has been beaten into us from an early age by film, television, middle school...I honestly don't know how to make it stop. So don't compare your friend to other girls or women--especially as it relates to things like appearance or weight. I would say this applies even to favorable comparisons. If you are telling your friend that she's skinnier than another girl, you're only adding fuel to the comparison fire. Better to never compare at all (at least out loud).

Let Her Know What You Appreciate About the Friendship

This probably applies to all friendships. Let her know what you like about being her friend. Maybe it's her great sense of humor or appreciation for the finer points of Settlers of Catan. Maybe you both enjoy political punditry or the films of Wes Anderson. Whatever it is, tell her.

Don't Sexualize the Conversation

I'm not saying don't talk about sex. I'm saying don't sexualize her. I'm pretty sure there's a name for this in pickup artist lingo. Basically, you test the limits with a girl you're trying to sleep with by using sexually suggestive humor or language. This is pretty common in general though, I think. Guys will allude to your body in a suggestive (if subtle) way or even mention a fantasy they have about you. There is a category that this kind of conversation puts you in. That category is not "friend." If you want to create a safe place for friendship to grow, you won't sexualize the conversation in a way that makes your friend uncomfortable.

You Don't Have to Agree with Her About Everything

Contrary to popular belief, girls are not looking for someone who agrees with them 100% (exceptions do apply, of course). That doesn't mean that if she's telling you a story about some douche-nozzle who cut her off in traffic you need to lecture her for over-reacting. No. It just means you can disagree. That's what friends do. It's okay to be honest. It's not okay to be patronizing.

Chivalry is for Friends Too

If you're naturally a chivalrous person, you can be chivalrous with your friend too. It's not an expectation, but it is a welcome change.

Don't Use Her

More has been written on this topic than I care to expand on here. And though I suppose there are multiple ways to use someone, I'm mainly referring to taking advantage of a friendship in order to get your emotional needs met. In other words, you're treating your friend like a girlfriend--but without any of the messy romantic/commitment stuff. If you are engaged or married to another girl, don't try to kiss your friend. She will feel used.

Don't Emotionally Dump on Her

Don't emotionally dump on your friend. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she has an infinite well of empathy for you and your emotional problems. If you think that your teacher, your boss, the checkout clerk at the supermarket, and society in general is out to get you--maybe you should do something about it instead. Also, like all your other friends, she probably doesn't want to hear about your recent breakup for four straight hours. If you think that talking about your problems will only draw the two of you closer together, you might want to reconsider your approach.

If You Like Her, Tell Her

So maybe you have ulterior motives. That's okay. Just be upfront about it. True friendship and ulterior motives don't go together particularly well, so better to risk the sort-of-friendship you have now for the almost-relationship that could be.

If She Says She Just Wants to be Friends, Believe Her

She might not feel the same way. But that's okay. Because you can still be friends, right? Probably not. If a girl says, "I just want to be friends" she usually means "I just want to be friends." She doesn't mean, "Convince me" or "Maybe someday I'll change my mind." If this is too much for you, go ahead and end the friendship. But also realize that if you don't want to be her friend now, you were probably never her friend to begin with.

Read Part 2 here.