The Burden of Shame

Wow, I've been writing about shame a lot lately. And really, all of these burdens seem to be about shame in one way or another, see also, the burden of secrecy. But this time, I'm gonna get a little bit more specific. Hopefully. We'll see.

Have you ever heard the (Christian) cliche that women need love and men need respect? There are whole books, websites, ministries, etc. devoted to this idea. These books, websites, and ministries list hundreds of ways women can work on showing respect for men--you know, shoulder that burden, that burden of shame.

It's not hard to see that shame and respect are two sides to the same coin, or to hone in a little more exactly on the meaning, shame and ego. The message is clear in this and other contexts: Men aren't stepping up at church. Well, then women must step down. Men aren't stepping up to lead their families. Again, women must step down, respecting and honoring the divine hierarchy of male headship. It only makes sense that women must become less so that men can...become. Women must diminish. They need love, not respect, and so this diminishment, this restraint, can only be easy for them.

Even in secular contexts, it's clear that one harsh word from a woman can easily destroy a man, no matter how powerful he is. Therefore, women must wield this awesome power with care. A man's ego is a fragile, fragile thing--much like a tiny, speckled robin's egg. A woman's job, in marriage and career, is to faithfully guard that little egg with her very soul throughout the great obstacle race of life. If the egg drops and the man's ego is crushed--it's her fault.

Men must be protected from their own shame. Perhaps if a woman feels shame, she's just being her normal, insecure female self. Shame looks good on her. But if a man feels shame, it's a crisis of masculinity.

I don't deny that both love and respect are important in a marriage. However, if a man or woman has not worked out the problem of shame for themselves--it's doubtful that all the respect or love in the world will make them feel whole.

I suspect this often plays out in abusive relationships. And I wonder if shame often looks a whole lot like rage. If only she didn't "make" him angry. If only she didn't set him off with her careless remarks. I've mentioned before that I was once in an emotionally manipulative relationship, and he would often say, "You don't respect me," when I failed to do what he wanted me to do. And he would rage.

Now I know that someone's else's shame, their anger, is not my responsibility, just as my shame, my ego is no one's responsibility but my own. And if you think that persons of the female gender don't struggle with ego--Hi, my name's M. Nice to meet you.

And you know, I wonder. I wonder at what age we start teaching girls that the shame of others is their burden to carry.

I read this article on the Love And Respect Now website (Yes, it's Love And Respect for the younger crowd. Eep.) about daughters engaging their emotionally distant fathers in a respectful way. The article has some pretty good advice. Part of growing up is forgiving your parents and engaging with them as real people with real flaws.

But part of me feels deeply saddened. Here's an excerpt:

"It’s also important to note that while a man can talk about relationships and marriage, it may not be as energizing to him as it is to you because he feels like he might be a failure to you in this area. Men often feel that “questions,” no matter your motive, are calling them into question because they believe women want them to change, resulting in them feeling not liked by you."

[So, men just wanna be liked, just like everyone else? I dunno. These fathers don't seem to like their daughters very much anyway (not talking to them, ignoring them to watch TV...) There may be little to lose.]

Well, the writing is depressingly clunky, but that's not what I'm talking about. Ouch. Just ouch. Any question is suspect. If you know me, you know I'm screwed. I might not be cut out for this whole love and respect thing.

It distresses me that the daughter is, emotionally speaking, the only adult in this exchange, ever careful of her father's delicate masculine feelings. There is no suggestion that pain and hurt can be honestly and frankly expressed. Real emotion is way, way too threatening in this context. Men can't handle the anger of women, unless it's couched in "respect." And I know we're talking (presumably) about grown daughters here, but at what age do daughters start bearing the emotional burdens of their fathers? The day they stop being daddy's little girl and start asking real questions? When is dad's emotional withdrawal first conceived of as "my fault"?

To conclude, as a woman, have you ever felt compelled to bear the burden of shame and if so how, why? As a man, have you ever expected a woman to bear the burden of shame for you and if so how, why?

And forgive the disrespect. It was not intended.