[or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Craigslist]
We all know there is no such thing as a free . Working for free is by its nature an unsustainable prospect (unless you are independently wealthy or win the lottery). However, sometimes an English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do what an-English-major-from-a-small-midwestern-liberal-arts-college has gotta do to break into the entertainment industry. Namely, work for free.
Let us call this "The Tale of Three Internships" (because "The Tale of Three Volunteer Work Experiences" doesn't sound as catchy):
Internship #1 - In which I enjoy free lunches and 3D footage of hot air balloons, but am lured away by more exciting opportunities.
October 2010: When I first moved to LA in from Kansas City, Missouri as a basically broke recent grad, I did the only logical thing possible--I applied to anything and everything on Craigslist that sounded even remotely interesting (or that paid).
Subsequently, I was offered an unpaid editing internship at a 3D production company. Cool, 3D. Those were my thoughts. I was also pretty psyched to intern in the editing department. The perks included free lunches on the days you worked and a low-key, friendly work environment. Plus, 3D!
I organized clips into bins, added logging notes, researched music, and did stringouts for the editors.
This was a pretty cool internship. But then...
Internship #2 - In which I work as an assistant on an ultra-low-budget film shooting all over Hollywood with name stars and a director of note.
I met this guy at a Thanksgiving party for LA orphans and he connected me to a producer looking for interns. It would be one week of prep and two weeks of shooting on an ultra-low-budget film. Sign me up, I said!
I was excited to be back on set. The people were, of course, amazing, and I discovered once again the strange co-relation between how hard you're working and how much fun you're having. On one of our craziest days, I ended up valeting multiple vehicles and parking them along a narrow, windy drive lined on either side with a low stone wall. Me! Parking cars! It was simultaneously terrible (more like terrifying) and really good fun.
We wrapped after 12 days of shooting and then it was Christmas! I went through post-wrap depression until I got a call...
Internship #3 - In which I am a natural at driving in Tijuana, Mexico [read: I drove like someone who is completely INSANE] and I eat a lot of tacos while being terrified to cross the border but crossing it anyway, multiple times, both ways.
Early in January I got a call from a producer who had received my resume. All I knew was that they were shooting in Mexico and looking for volunteer crew members. I quickly signed on as the assistant production coordinator/driver/craft services/catch-all title.
Where to begin: Volunteer cast and crew. Inspiring subject matter. Mexico. The best popsicles I have ever eaten in my entire life. I had a blast.
It was also extremely challenging. I would drive around and get lost constantly (Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction? That I don't speak Spanish? That I didn't have a map? Or a GPS?) I would just keep driving until I found the main highway. I could find my way from there.
My main job was to pick up actors from LA across the border in the good 'ol US of A and bring them back into Tijuana. On my first time attempting to re-enter my native land, I took the wrong lane. The immigration officer was so kind. He let me off with a warning. And the threat of a $5,000 fine should it happen again.
The people were great though, and that's generally all that matters.
Thus concludes my tale of three internships. None of them led to a steady, paying job, but I don't regret doing them.
Tune in next time for the advice portion of this program: "Working For Free Without Losing Your Self-respect."
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
How to be Friends with a Girl
I haven't been very successful in guy/girl platonic friendships. But, here I am, writing a blog post about how to be friends with a girl (wishful thinking on my part that someday I'll have guy friends like this?). So let's just pretend that I know what I'm talking about.
Never Compare Her to Other Girls
Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. This habit has been beaten into us from an early age by film, television, middle school...I honestly don't know how to make it stop. So don't compare your friend to other girls or women--especially as it relates to things like appearance or weight. I would say this applies even to favorable comparisons. If you are telling your friend that she's skinnier than another girl, you're only adding fuel to the comparison fire. Better to never compare at all (at least out loud).
Let Her Know What You Appreciate About the Friendship
This probably applies to all friendships. Let her know what you like about being her friend. Maybe it's her great sense of humor or appreciation for the finer points of Settlers of Catan. Maybe you both enjoy political punditry or the films of Wes Anderson. Whatever it is, tell her.
Don't Sexualize the Conversation
I'm not saying don't talk about sex. I'm saying don't sexualize her. I'm pretty sure there's a name for this in pickup artist lingo. Basically, you test the limits with a girl you're trying to sleep with by using sexually suggestive humor or language. This is pretty common in general though, I think. Guys will allude to your body in a suggestive (if subtle) way or even mention a fantasy they have about you. There is a category that this kind of conversation puts you in. That category is not "friend." If you want to create a safe place for friendship to grow, you won't sexualize the conversation in a way that makes your friend uncomfortable.
You Don't Have to Agree with Her About Everything
Contrary to popular belief, girls are not looking for someone who agrees with them 100% (exceptions do apply, of course). That doesn't mean that if she's telling you a story about some douche-nozzle who cut her off in traffic you need to lecture her for over-reacting. No. It just means you can disagree. That's what friends do. It's okay to be honest. It's not okay to be patronizing.
Chivalry is for Friends Too
If you're naturally a chivalrous person, you can be chivalrous with your friend too. It's not an expectation, but it is a welcome change.
Don't Use Her
More has been written on this topic than I care to expand on here. And though I suppose there are multiple ways to use someone, I'm mainly referring to taking advantage of a friendship in order to get your emotional needs met. In other words, you're treating your friend like a girlfriend--but without any of the messy romantic/commitment stuff. If you are engaged or married to another girl, don't try to kiss your friend. She will feel used.
Don't Emotionally Dump on Her
Don't emotionally dump on your friend. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she has an infinite well of empathy for you and your emotional problems. If you think that your teacher, your boss, the checkout clerk at the supermarket, and society in general is out to get you--maybe you should do something about it instead. Also, like all your other friends, she probably doesn't want to hear about your recent breakup for four straight hours. If you think that talking about your problems will only draw the two of you closer together, you might want to reconsider your approach.
If You Like Her, Tell Her
So maybe you have ulterior motives. That's okay. Just be upfront about it. True friendship and ulterior motives don't go together particularly well, so better to risk the sort-of-friendship you have now for the almost-relationship that could be.
If She Says She Just Wants to be Friends, Believe Her
She might not feel the same way. But that's okay. Because you can still be friends, right? Probably not. If a girl says, "I just want to be friends" she usually means "I just want to be friends." She doesn't mean, "Convince me" or "Maybe someday I'll change my mind." If this is too much for you, go ahead and end the friendship. But also realize that if you don't want to be her friend now, you were probably never her friend to begin with.
Read Part 2 here.
Never Compare Her to Other Girls
Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. This habit has been beaten into us from an early age by film, television, middle school...I honestly don't know how to make it stop. So don't compare your friend to other girls or women--especially as it relates to things like appearance or weight. I would say this applies even to favorable comparisons. If you are telling your friend that she's skinnier than another girl, you're only adding fuel to the comparison fire. Better to never compare at all (at least out loud).
Let Her Know What You Appreciate About the Friendship
This probably applies to all friendships. Let her know what you like about being her friend. Maybe it's her great sense of humor or appreciation for the finer points of Settlers of Catan. Maybe you both enjoy political punditry or the films of Wes Anderson. Whatever it is, tell her.
Don't Sexualize the Conversation
I'm not saying don't talk about sex. I'm saying don't sexualize her. I'm pretty sure there's a name for this in pickup artist lingo. Basically, you test the limits with a girl you're trying to sleep with by using sexually suggestive humor or language. This is pretty common in general though, I think. Guys will allude to your body in a suggestive (if subtle) way or even mention a fantasy they have about you. There is a category that this kind of conversation puts you in. That category is not "friend." If you want to create a safe place for friendship to grow, you won't sexualize the conversation in a way that makes your friend uncomfortable.
You Don't Have to Agree with Her About Everything
Contrary to popular belief, girls are not looking for someone who agrees with them 100% (exceptions do apply, of course). That doesn't mean that if she's telling you a story about some douche-nozzle who cut her off in traffic you need to lecture her for over-reacting. No. It just means you can disagree. That's what friends do. It's okay to be honest. It's not okay to be patronizing.
Chivalry is for Friends Too
If you're naturally a chivalrous person, you can be chivalrous with your friend too. It's not an expectation, but it is a welcome change.
Don't Use Her
More has been written on this topic than I care to expand on here. And though I suppose there are multiple ways to use someone, I'm mainly referring to taking advantage of a friendship in order to get your emotional needs met. In other words, you're treating your friend like a girlfriend--but without any of the messy romantic/commitment stuff. If you are engaged or married to another girl, don't try to kiss your friend. She will feel used.
Don't Emotionally Dump on Her
Don't emotionally dump on your friend. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she has an infinite well of empathy for you and your emotional problems. If you think that your teacher, your boss, the checkout clerk at the supermarket, and society in general is out to get you--maybe you should do something about it instead. Also, like all your other friends, she probably doesn't want to hear about your recent breakup for four straight hours. If you think that talking about your problems will only draw the two of you closer together, you might want to reconsider your approach.
If You Like Her, Tell Her
So maybe you have ulterior motives. That's okay. Just be upfront about it. True friendship and ulterior motives don't go together particularly well, so better to risk the sort-of-friendship you have now for the almost-relationship that could be.
If She Says She Just Wants to be Friends, Believe Her
She might not feel the same way. But that's okay. Because you can still be friends, right? Probably not. If a girl says, "I just want to be friends" she usually means "I just want to be friends." She doesn't mean, "Convince me" or "Maybe someday I'll change my mind." If this is too much for you, go ahead and end the friendship. But also realize that if you don't want to be her friend now, you were probably never her friend to begin with.
Read Part 2 here.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
The 7 Deadly Sins of Being a Woman
So, church today got me thinking about the ways that we gender things like sin, sex, shame, anger, evangelism, and emotional needs. It got me wondering--do churches split men and women into gender specific groups so we can talk about the differing sins that plague each gender? How do we tend to gender certain sins?
Lust
Sex, as we all know, is for men, and thus only men struggle with lust. Women never struggle with their sexual desires. They just want to be loved unconditionally, like that movie "The Vow" (or was it "Pretty Woman"?) No further comment needed here. Moving on.
Gluttony
I don't know about you, but I feel like Los Angeles has this weird relationship to food, eating, diet, and exercise. As a city, we're probably bulimic, anorexic, and addicted to exercise. On a good day. Now, far be it from me to look down upon healthy eating (not my fav) and exercise (not my fav either). But I feel like extreme dieting and exercising are like gluttony's prettier, skinnier cousin. In our culture, things like weight loss and being skinny are heavily geared toward women. There's a lot of shame involved. See also, envy.
Greed
Ah, the gold-digging stereotype--it lives on, it thrives even. Though I suppose now that many women are making more money than their spouses, men will start being objectified only for their good looks and hot bodies. On another level, it seems like women are constantly accused of having unreasonable expectations--of men, of marriage, of sharing housework, of having it all. It's not so much the injunction to "settle" as it is anger that women might have these kinds of expectations in the first place.
Sloth
If anything, Sloth is a guy. A guy who plays XBox all night and works at Dairy Queen. Women are really falling behind on this one. They're going to have to work super hard to even think of achieving parity.
Wrath
Recently, I read an article on Relevant Magazine entitled "When I'm Bad at Being a Woman." The article didn't seem to be about being a woman at all--but rather about anger, disappointment, getting credit for your work, and basing your value in God. As I tried to suggest in the comments, the title betrays the underlying assumption that getting angry makes you a bad woman (Hey kids! Close reading--it's not just for English majors!) I think with women and getting angry, there's always the fear of being the shrew--the B-word. But anger, man oh man is that a real emotion, and if anything, I wish I expressed it (rather than holding it in) more than I do. Because anger is so much better than resentment and bitterness.
Envy
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Women are notorious for constantly comparing themselves to other women, favorably or unfavorably. Of course, our culture doesn't contribute to this at all. Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Here's the thing about women, especially women at church--they are the nicest, most accepting people EVER. But that envy stuff is real.
The only gender-specificity I can really see here is that men are not under the same pressure to compare their appearance to that of other men. I could be wrong.
Pride
I sometimes think that one of the worst things a woman can be is arrogant (to those that think she's arrogant). I'm not saying men get a free pass on this one, either. There's just this desire to take her down a peg or two. I should know.
I don't think having an ego is all bad--instead, women pretend that they are not competitive, ambitious, or confident in themselves and their abilities. Or women are confident, they just don't express themselves confidently, in fear it will come off as arrogance.
I worry about gender stereotypes in the context of church. Mostly, I worry that women or girls who don't fit into the dominant gender stereotypes (emotional vs. analytical, for example) will feel alienated and as if they are "bad at being a woman."
Lust
Sex, as we all know, is for men, and thus only men struggle with lust. Women never struggle with their sexual desires. They just want to be loved unconditionally, like that movie "The Vow" (or was it "Pretty Woman"?) No further comment needed here. Moving on.
Gluttony
I don't know about you, but I feel like Los Angeles has this weird relationship to food, eating, diet, and exercise. As a city, we're probably bulimic, anorexic, and addicted to exercise. On a good day. Now, far be it from me to look down upon healthy eating (not my fav) and exercise (not my fav either). But I feel like extreme dieting and exercising are like gluttony's prettier, skinnier cousin. In our culture, things like weight loss and being skinny are heavily geared toward women. There's a lot of shame involved. See also, envy.
Greed
Ah, the gold-digging stereotype--it lives on, it thrives even. Though I suppose now that many women are making more money than their spouses, men will start being objectified only for their good looks and hot bodies. On another level, it seems like women are constantly accused of having unreasonable expectations--of men, of marriage, of sharing housework, of having it all. It's not so much the injunction to "settle" as it is anger that women might have these kinds of expectations in the first place.
Sloth
If anything, Sloth is a guy. A guy who plays XBox all night and works at Dairy Queen. Women are really falling behind on this one. They're going to have to work super hard to even think of achieving parity.
Wrath
Recently, I read an article on Relevant Magazine entitled "When I'm Bad at Being a Woman." The article didn't seem to be about being a woman at all--but rather about anger, disappointment, getting credit for your work, and basing your value in God. As I tried to suggest in the comments, the title betrays the underlying assumption that getting angry makes you a bad woman (Hey kids! Close reading--it's not just for English majors!) I think with women and getting angry, there's always the fear of being the shrew--the B-word. But anger, man oh man is that a real emotion, and if anything, I wish I expressed it (rather than holding it in) more than I do. Because anger is so much better than resentment and bitterness.
Envy
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Women are notorious for constantly comparing themselves to other women, favorably or unfavorably. Of course, our culture doesn't contribute to this at all. Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Here's the thing about women, especially women at church--they are the nicest, most accepting people EVER. But that envy stuff is real.
The only gender-specificity I can really see here is that men are not under the same pressure to compare their appearance to that of other men. I could be wrong.
Pride
I sometimes think that one of the worst things a woman can be is arrogant (to those that think she's arrogant). I'm not saying men get a free pass on this one, either. There's just this desire to take her down a peg or two. I should know.
I don't think having an ego is all bad--instead, women pretend that they are not competitive, ambitious, or confident in themselves and their abilities. Or women are confident, they just don't express themselves confidently, in fear it will come off as arrogance.
I worry about gender stereotypes in the context of church. Mostly, I worry that women or girls who don't fit into the dominant gender stereotypes (emotional vs. analytical, for example) will feel alienated and as if they are "bad at being a woman."
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Dear 15-year-old me,
You are fat.
Just kidding. Sort of. Later on, your family and friends will tell you that you went through a "chubby" phase. Subsequently, you will get a lot of comments along the lines of, "Wow! You've lost weight!" or, "You're skinny now!" Uh...thanks?
This will come as a surprise. No biggie. I'm glad you don't think you're fat. Cause you're not.
You are pretty.
Don't act so shocked. Attention from guys will come later, and I know you think you're safe in that baggy black sweatshirt, but it's okay to feel attractive. Dressing in an appealing way is not a betrayal of your identity. Attention is not always a bad thing. You don't have to hide.
Homeschooling is a terrible idea.
You will never get the "normal high school experience." And let's face it, you're not disciplined enough to homeschool yourself. You are, however, extremely stubborn.
Homeschooling is an awesome idea.
Going from Beijing-->World travel-->North Carolina will be one of the toughest transitions of your life. You won't feel like you fit in. At all. You will probably always be ambivalent about NC as a whole. You will probably always feel at least a little bit like an outsider. But, the 6-month period you spend in Beijing your junior year of high school will change your life--an oasis in the desert of adolescence. You will learn how to edit. You will spend the first of many late, lonely nights cutting video. You will love it. God help us all.
You are not a burden.
I don't even know how to begin to convey this to you. You are very independent, and that can be a good thing, but that personality trait is being twisted into something else--something that's not good. You are not on your own. It may feel like that, like you need to be entirely self-sufficient now that your parents are divorced, but that's not the case. Retreating into yourself so as not to impose on anyone is not the way to go. It will only leave you isolated.
You are hurting.
I'm sorry.
You are OK.
I could tell you all about the messed up way you relate to your family, or how you're judgmental, self-righteous, bitter, and perfectionistic--how you hurt the people you love the most in the most cutting ways possible. But you know what, they forgive you later. You even forgive you. You are OK.
And you know what--I still think "The Outsiders" is a great movie.
Stay gold, kid.
Sincerely,
Me
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Dear Sort of Sexist Guy,
Hey there. How's it going? It's me. Yeah. We went to college together. We work together. I think I had a crush on you back in the 8th grade.
You were the one who told me in high school that most guys think that men are better than women--they just don't say it out loud. But you--you were above that kind of cowardice. "Think about it," you said, "Why are the best chefs in the world men?" I still can't argue with your unshakeable logic.
I feel a bit bad for you, Sort of Sexist Guy--the way political correctness has driven your kind underground, for the most part. You can't even post sexy pics of underage girls on facebook anymore without getting some kind of feminist flak. I mean, where's the harm in a little objectification? The sooner girls realize that they are primarily valued for their looks, the better.
I really have to admire your panache, Sort of Sexist Guy. You could be rocking a unibrow and a beer gut, but that doesn't stop you from making condescending comments about a woman's weight or how she's "let herself go."
Of course you "loooooove women." And yeah, you're sort of an a-hole, but in a good way. Cause you're a guy. And guys are a-holes.
At least you're not like Sort of Racist Guy or Sort of Misogynistic Guy. I'm never going to catch you ranting about how feminism has ruined the American dream or how the REAL reason you're such a jerk is that this one girl broke your heart this one time in the second grade...
You're just a little bit of a chauvinist. I get that. Now that I think about it, you're not half bad, Sort of Sexist Guy. Maybe we can hang out some time and you can tell me all about how if I only lost some weight and started reading challenging books, I could really make something of myself.
Well, it's been real. I sort of gotta go do some laundry.
Yours (sort of),
MT
You were the one who told me in high school that most guys think that men are better than women--they just don't say it out loud. But you--you were above that kind of cowardice. "Think about it," you said, "Why are the best chefs in the world men?" I still can't argue with your unshakeable logic.
I feel a bit bad for you, Sort of Sexist Guy--the way political correctness has driven your kind underground, for the most part. You can't even post sexy pics of underage girls on facebook anymore without getting some kind of feminist flak. I mean, where's the harm in a little objectification? The sooner girls realize that they are primarily valued for their looks, the better.
I really have to admire your panache, Sort of Sexist Guy. You could be rocking a unibrow and a beer gut, but that doesn't stop you from making condescending comments about a woman's weight or how she's "let herself go."
Of course you "loooooove women." And yeah, you're sort of an a-hole, but in a good way. Cause you're a guy. And guys are a-holes.
At least you're not like Sort of Racist Guy or Sort of Misogynistic Guy. I'm never going to catch you ranting about how feminism has ruined the American dream or how the REAL reason you're such a jerk is that this one girl broke your heart this one time in the second grade...
You're just a little bit of a chauvinist. I get that. Now that I think about it, you're not half bad, Sort of Sexist Guy. Maybe we can hang out some time and you can tell me all about how if I only lost some weight and started reading challenging books, I could really make something of myself.
Well, it's been real. I sort of gotta go do some laundry.
Yours (sort of),
MT
Saturday, October 6, 2012
10 Reasons You Should Think Twice About Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church
DISCLAIMER: Every guy I have ever dated that has gone to the same church has been a perfect gentleman. No complaints or negative experiences here. Also, there [were] only 8 reasons.
Reason #1 - The Awkward
Let's talk about the awkward, shall we? Awkward: He asks you out. You say no. He proceeds to pretend that you have fallen from the face of the earth. Awkward: Your friend dated his friend's roommate's set dresser's bartender's ex-girlfriend's cousin. Awkward: You volunteer together every other Sunday and still have to see each other at church, even if it ends...awkwardly.
Reason #2 - "That Guy"
Let's talk about that guy (there also exists "that girl," I'm sure, but all my experiences have been with that guy. Sorry.) Have you ever heard "No one wants to be that guy"? Well, revise that to "No one wants to date that guy." Harsh, but true. Why? Because he hits on every single single girl at church, which means he's: A) Desperate, B) Has very little dating experience, or C) Desperate and has very little dating experience. It might be poor personal hygiene. It might be the tendency to constantly bring up a struggle with lust during coed group discussions. It might be an inability to take "no" for an answer (At which point that guy becomes "that stalker" and you might have to get a restraining order.) Regardless, that guy will always ask you out, as a rule. Which is, as you already may have guessed, awkward.
Reason #3 - She's Just Not That Into You
This is not, strictly speaking, entirely true. It's just that, if you like them, they probably don't like you, and vice versa. When girls complain that, "No one asks me out," what they really mean is "No one cute (or that I like) has asked me out." I theorize that, realistically, there are one or two girls or guys everyone wants to date. They, in turn, have inexplicably taken a vow of celibacy and/or are holding out for Ryan Gosling. Yes, the guys too.
Reason #4 - Nice Girls Finish Last
You are too nice. If you were raised to be a good Christian guy or girl, you probably aren't completely comfortable saying "no"--just "no"--no qualifications, no "You're a really nice guy, but..." or "I'm really focusing on my acting right now, so..." These things take practice. If you're nice to a guy, he might think you're flirting with him (in fact, he will definitely think you're flirting with him if you don't want him to think you're flirting with him). Now, you're stuck somewhere between a rock and a literalist interpretation of scripture: If you're not nice, you're a bad Christian. If you're too nice, you're a good Christian, but now this guy is stuck to you like a barnacle to a whale's arse no matter how politely you tell him that you're focusing on your walk with the Lord.
Reason #5 - The Prohibition Against Drinking in Church [Communion Wine Excepted]
Just kidding. Sort of. Problem is, Christians take dating way too seriously, and at church, everyone is on their best, church-behavior. Plus, when you're screening every member of the opposite sex for desirable life partner traits, it kind of takes the fun out of dating, or most forms of social interaction for that matter.
Reason #6 - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Gossip Pants
People, they talk. And by people, I mean girls. They talk about guys at church and whether or not it would be a good idea to date them. This leaves, oh let's see, one and a half guys who are acceptable to date. All the single girls at church then hold a gladiatorial contest to determine who gets to sit next to him during Bible study. (Of course, then he goes and says something that could be construed as insensitive and we all take a vow of celibacy and/or continue to hold out for Ryan Gosling.) It's brutal.
Reason #7 - The Insta-Couple
The minute you sit with that guy or girl at church, everyone assumes you are a couple. I'm not sure why this is. Probably because when you look around at church, it's all couples or suicidal single people sitting by themselves. Or with friends. This makes so much sense. Guys I barely know have sought me out at church in order to sit next to me. I guess that's their way of staking their claim. Perhaps there's something about singing "Blessed Be Your Name" next to someone that really clinches whether you should spend the rest of your life with them. Sitting together = practically married, after all.
Reason #8 - The Insta-Wife [Add one heaping tablespoon Jesus and stir]
Church engagements are known for being criminally short. Or maybe it's just my church. Soon after becoming someone's insta-girlfriend or boyfriend you are this close to becoming someone's insta-husband or wife. It's insane. Not to mention scary. What makes it worse is that everyone will be secretly or not-so-secretly judging you for your three-minute-engagement. You dog, you.
Reason #9 - The Temple of the Holy Spirit Market
Think about it for a minute--scoping out your church for dates feels...a little bit icky. "Wow, that was a really great sermon--I really felt like God was speaking to me about---whoa, that guy in the plaid is hott!" Or worse: "She's really cute, I wonder if...OMG! WEDDING RING ALERT!" Treating church like a singles mixer pretty much always leads to feeling like the least spiritual, most shallow person on the face of the earth.
Reason #10 - The Clincher
You might meet someone and fall in love. This reason alone should be enough for you to never think of, or even CONSIDER dating someone who goes to your church. Don't say I didn't warn you.
More on church dating:
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys are All Dented Cans - Introduction
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Misogynist
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Coward
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Racist
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Myth of Persistence
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - Entitlement
Reason #1 - The Awkward
Let's talk about the awkward, shall we? Awkward: He asks you out. You say no. He proceeds to pretend that you have fallen from the face of the earth. Awkward: Your friend dated his friend's roommate's set dresser's bartender's ex-girlfriend's cousin. Awkward: You volunteer together every other Sunday and still have to see each other at church, even if it ends...awkwardly.
Reason #2 - "That Guy"
Let's talk about that guy (there also exists "that girl," I'm sure, but all my experiences have been with that guy. Sorry.) Have you ever heard "No one wants to be that guy"? Well, revise that to "No one wants to date that guy." Harsh, but true. Why? Because he hits on every single single girl at church, which means he's: A) Desperate, B) Has very little dating experience, or C) Desperate and has very little dating experience. It might be poor personal hygiene. It might be the tendency to constantly bring up a struggle with lust during coed group discussions. It might be an inability to take "no" for an answer (At which point that guy becomes "that stalker" and you might have to get a restraining order.) Regardless, that guy will always ask you out, as a rule. Which is, as you already may have guessed, awkward.
Reason #3 - She's Just Not That Into You
This is not, strictly speaking, entirely true. It's just that, if you like them, they probably don't like you, and vice versa. When girls complain that, "No one asks me out," what they really mean is "No one cute (or that I like) has asked me out." I theorize that, realistically, there are one or two girls or guys everyone wants to date. They, in turn, have inexplicably taken a vow of celibacy and/or are holding out for Ryan Gosling. Yes, the guys too.
Reason #4 - Nice Girls Finish Last
You are too nice. If you were raised to be a good Christian guy or girl, you probably aren't completely comfortable saying "no"--just "no"--no qualifications, no "You're a really nice guy, but..." or "I'm really focusing on my acting right now, so..." These things take practice. If you're nice to a guy, he might think you're flirting with him (in fact, he will definitely think you're flirting with him if you don't want him to think you're flirting with him). Now, you're stuck somewhere between a rock and a literalist interpretation of scripture: If you're not nice, you're a bad Christian. If you're too nice, you're a good Christian, but now this guy is stuck to you like a barnacle to a whale's arse no matter how politely you tell him that you're focusing on your walk with the Lord.
Reason #5 - The Prohibition Against Drinking in Church [Communion Wine Excepted]
Just kidding. Sort of. Problem is, Christians take dating way too seriously, and at church, everyone is on their best, church-behavior. Plus, when you're screening every member of the opposite sex for desirable life partner traits, it kind of takes the fun out of dating, or most forms of social interaction for that matter.
Reason #6 - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Gossip Pants
People, they talk. And by people, I mean girls. They talk about guys at church and whether or not it would be a good idea to date them. This leaves, oh let's see, one and a half guys who are acceptable to date. All the single girls at church then hold a gladiatorial contest to determine who gets to sit next to him during Bible study. (Of course, then he goes and says something that could be construed as insensitive and we all take a vow of celibacy and/or continue to hold out for Ryan Gosling.) It's brutal.
Reason #7 - The Insta-Couple
The minute you sit with that guy or girl at church, everyone assumes you are a couple. I'm not sure why this is. Probably because when you look around at church, it's all couples or suicidal single people sitting by themselves. Or with friends. This makes so much sense. Guys I barely know have sought me out at church in order to sit next to me. I guess that's their way of staking their claim. Perhaps there's something about singing "Blessed Be Your Name" next to someone that really clinches whether you should spend the rest of your life with them. Sitting together = practically married, after all.
Reason #8 - The Insta-Wife [Add one heaping tablespoon Jesus and stir]
Church engagements are known for being criminally short. Or maybe it's just my church. Soon after becoming someone's insta-girlfriend or boyfriend you are this close to becoming someone's insta-husband or wife. It's insane. Not to mention scary. What makes it worse is that everyone will be secretly or not-so-secretly judging you for your three-minute-engagement. You dog, you.
Reason #9 - The Temple of the Holy Spirit Market
Think about it for a minute--scoping out your church for dates feels...a little bit icky. "Wow, that was a really great sermon--I really felt like God was speaking to me about---whoa, that guy in the plaid is hott!" Or worse: "She's really cute, I wonder if...OMG! WEDDING RING ALERT!" Treating church like a singles mixer pretty much always leads to feeling like the least spiritual, most shallow person on the face of the earth.
Reason #10 - The Clincher
You might meet someone and fall in love. This reason alone should be enough for you to never think of, or even CONSIDER dating someone who goes to your church. Don't say I didn't warn you.
More on church dating:
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys are All Dented Cans - Introduction
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Misogynist
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Coward
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Racist
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - The Myth of Persistence
Undateable: Why Single Christian Guys Are All Dented Cans - Entitlement
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