Portmanteaus That Should Die in a Fire Lit by Pages From the OED

...with apologies to Shakespeare.

1. "Mom" + "Fill-in-the-blank"

*shudder* 

Here are just a few examples: 

Mom + Entrepreneur = Momtrepreneur

Mom + Delicious = Momalicious

Mom + Sensational = Momsational

Mom + Orgasm = Momgasm

Mom + Ridiculous = Momidiculous

Thanks to Jezebel for these, except the last one, which I may have made up on the spot. 

And can we just—I mean—what—I can't—

Being a mother is not a niche, just like being a woman is not a special category. I object to it all:

I object to the term "Mommy Blogging."

I object to ever calling someone a "Mommy Blogger."

I object to the weird fetishization of motherhood generally.

But I especially object to jamming the word "Mom" or "Mommy" together with another word to create a new word (actually not a word, people, unless you're Shakespeare, are you Shakespeare, no, I didn't think so). 

Just, no. 

2. Feminist + Nazi = Feminazi

Fun fact, I first came across "feminazi" as a young preteen reading Rush Limbaugh's bestselling books, See, I Told You So and The Way Things Ought to Be, proving that even if you are 12 years-old and living in China, you can still grow up reading the classics. 

Did not!

How many times have I had some version of this conversation:

"So, you're a feminist. What kind of feminist are you?"

"Um, just a normal one, I guess."

"But—I mean, you don't hate men, right?" *laughs awkwardly*

Why is it always about you, random dude? Are you afraid I'm going to round up your kind and send you to a concentration camp because I believe that women should be treated equally? 

Yeah. 'Cause those things are totally the same.

3. "Fit" + "Inspiration" = "Fitspiration" or "Fitspo" for short

Don't even get me started. 

F*** you. (Photo via lovelivegrow)

Fitspo appears to be short for "an excuse to post a picture of my abs on Instagram." Now, explain to me how this is inspiring? 

Am I supposed to instantly go out and join the nearest Crossfit gym? Feel bad about my flabby stomach? Put down that cookie? 

"Fitspo," not only are you a crime against the English language, you are a crime against the human (usually female) body. 

Now, excuse me. I'm going to go eat cookies and read incendiary feminist literature about solving the "Man Problem." 

How to hit on a girl on facebook

Fake dick pics. Every girl's dream.

First of all--welcome. Second of all, read this first.

Here's how NOT to hit on a girl on fb: 

1. Asking her how her day is going.

Hey :) How are you?
Good, how are you?
You know, just chillin. :) :) :) :)

2. Talking to her on fb chat about sex, sexting, or your penis.

3. Asking her to check out your shirtless pics and rate them on a scale of 1-10.

4. Asking her if she's a lesbian. (Yeah...that's why she's not interested. Right.)

I realize that in the last post I mostly just ranted about what I don't like--namely, being hit on on facebook, mostly by guys I've just met and barely know.

That being said, I thought maybe I'd add some how-to tips for those dire occasions when hitting on a girl via facebook is the only available option.

First a caveat: hitting on someone via fb is neither the most direct, nor the most efficacious way to go. Calling or asking in person is preferred.

That said, here are some things to keep in mind: 

1. If you don't want to be her friend, don't add her as a friend.

Instead, message her, text her or call her and ask her out (see #5). This way, you won't have to hit that "defriend" button when she responds unfavorably to your online advances. 

2. Be direct. 

Instead of asking her how her day is going, ask her if she wants to get coffee sometime or otherwise meet in person. State your intentions in so many words. 

3. Be clear. 

My friend's blog has a great take on this (and there are pictures!). If you want to see her, have a time, place and activity in mind.

4. Get to the point. 

This may be a repetition of the second item, but even so. It's better to arrive at the point immediately than to drag on a conversation about the weather in the hopes of slowly winning her over with your wit, charm and tasteful use of emoticons. It may be easier to keep up witty banter online, but these interactions are not necessarily an accurate reflection of in-person chemistry. You don’t have to tell her how much you like her or compliment her on her awesome bathroom-mirror-photography skills. Get to the point. 

5. Ask her out.

By which I mean, arrange to actually see her in-person. In this day and age, there's a good chance your paths may never again cross. Ask her out. I mean, why not? It’s intentional, upfront and unequivocal. Maybe you only met in person once and you don’t know her that well yet. Dating is a way to get to know someone better. Sure, it's intimidating, but heck, it’s just coffee/tea (it’s also not just coffee/tea, but it doesn’t have to turn into anything more if you don’t want it to. It’s up to you). Your next date may be only a fb message away. 

If you don't ask her out, guess what usually happens. Nothing, that's what. 

6. Be prepared to hear “No.”

…and respond graciously by withdrawing your suit. No harm, no foul. Plus, it’s over fb, so it’s no big deal. A facebook “no” is worth about 1/5 of an in-person “no” in humiliation value. 

I think this item might be the crux of why guys don't ask girls out--on fb or otherwise. Yeah, rejection sucks. Stereotypically speaking, guys bear the brunt of both the asking and the being rejected. However, I'm not sure that the more subtle rejection girls experience is any less ego-crushing than hearing "no." 

7. The "like" button and other soft forms of facebook flirting

I have not covered here soft methods of flirtation such as commenting on her fb status or posting random funny pictures on her wall. I don’t really see the harm in this, but again, it’s awfully indirect. 

I would advise against ever typing things like "HAWT" or "NICE RACK ;)". First of all, if a girl is posting multiple down-the-shirt pictures to her profile, she already knows she's hot. Second of all, do you really want to be part of a hot girl's online harem? This is starting to feel like a blog post for a different time...

And that's it! That's all I've got (again). Go forth and hit on that special someone this holiday season.