Portmanteaus That Should Die in a Fire Lit by Pages From the OED

...with apologies to Shakespeare.

1. "Mom" + "Fill-in-the-blank"

*shudder* 

Here are just a few examples: 

Mom + Entrepreneur = Momtrepreneur

Mom + Delicious = Momalicious

Mom + Sensational = Momsational

Mom + Orgasm = Momgasm

Mom + Ridiculous = Momidiculous

Thanks to Jezebel for these, except the last one, which I may have made up on the spot. 

And can we just—I mean—what—I can't—

Being a mother is not a niche, just like being a woman is not a special category. I object to it all:

I object to the term "Mommy Blogging."

I object to ever calling someone a "Mommy Blogger."

I object to the weird fetishization of motherhood generally.

But I especially object to jamming the word "Mom" or "Mommy" together with another word to create a new word (actually not a word, people, unless you're Shakespeare, are you Shakespeare, no, I didn't think so). 

Just, no. 

2. Feminist + Nazi = Feminazi

Fun fact, I first came across "feminazi" as a young preteen reading Rush Limbaugh's bestselling books, See, I Told You So and The Way Things Ought to Be, proving that even if you are 12 years-old and living in China, you can still grow up reading the classics. 

Did not!

How many times have I had some version of this conversation:

"So, you're a feminist. What kind of feminist are you?"

"Um, just a normal one, I guess."

"But—I mean, you don't hate men, right?" *laughs awkwardly*

Why is it always about you, random dude? Are you afraid I'm going to round up your kind and send you to a concentration camp because I believe that women should be treated equally? 

Yeah. 'Cause those things are totally the same.

3. "Fit" + "Inspiration" = "Fitspiration" or "Fitspo" for short

Don't even get me started. 

F*** you. (Photo via lovelivegrow)

Fitspo appears to be short for "an excuse to post a picture of my abs on Instagram." Now, explain to me how this is inspiring? 

Am I supposed to instantly go out and join the nearest Crossfit gym? Feel bad about my flabby stomach? Put down that cookie? 

"Fitspo," not only are you a crime against the English language, you are a crime against the human (usually female) body. 

Now, excuse me. I'm going to go eat cookies and read incendiary feminist literature about solving the "Man Problem." 

The Mythical Nice Guy

I have become convinced that there really is no such thing as a "nice guy"--the emotionally crippled, the perennially passive, the socially awkward, the impressively f-ed up, maybe. But nice guys? No such thing.

Have you ever pondered the nice guys on TV? Take Ted Mosby for instance, the main character in the sitcom "How I Met Your Mother." Ted is a romantic. He believes in true love and finding The One. He's also kind of an a**hole. But that's just it. He's not an unrepentant womanizer like Barney, nor is he a one-woman man like Marshall (is the correct word here "whipped"?). He's alternately cowardly, lustful, chauvinistic and predatory, but because he's really just trying to find his soul mate, he's a nice guy.

Has a friend ever tried to set you up? When the date goes badly, they say, "Oh, but he's a nice guy." This can be translated roughly as: "Oh, but he's not a serial killer or a rapist." Never mind that he has an elbow fetish or the clap.

Why is there no equivalent nice girl? (Usually this just means she's unattractive.)

Nice guys are the necessary fictive counterpoint to the a**holes that women supposedly always go for. They are the guys who are not just trying to get into your pants. (Is it just me, or is the bar set pretty low?) The rationale goes: "I'm a nice guy, but women only like jerks. Therefore, I am single." I won't bother poking holes in that potato.

This nice guy myth wouldn't be quite so irritating if there did not seem to be practically a moral imperative to find, date and marry one. 

O nice guys. You are the stalker that won't take "no" for an answer--yet wouldn't hurt a fly. You are the guy that asks me out, then spends the entire date talking to the wall. You tell I'm beautiful, then call me a bitch for turning you down. You like me, but you act like you don't give a crap--'cause giving a crap would be too scary.

You would ask me out or listen when I say "I just want to be friends" or act like you care or treat me like, I dunno, another human being. But you're just too nice.

Stop it.