Wait, who am I kidding? No one reads anymore. Proceed.
1. The Catcher in the Rye and hire a prostitute just to talk
2. Middlemarch and marry the wrong person
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| "But...but marrying you would make me so happy. That won't do." |
3. Lolita and rape your prepubescent stepdaughter
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4. Catch-22 and for a brief moment believe that your dead friend's prostitute girlfriend wants to have sex with you before realizing that, no, she is still trying to kill you
5. Much Ado About Nothing and publicly shame and humiliate your fiancee at your wedding because you have been tricked into believing she is cheating on you by a man referred to as "the bastard prince"
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| "You whore!" Awkward. |
6. The Great Gatsby and idolize the man in love with your married cousin who throws extravagant parties and always calls you "Old Sport"
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7. 'Tis Pity She's a Whore and skewer your sister/lover's heart with a dagger before parading it around at her husband's birthday feast
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| Best-worst last line in the history of English literature |
8. The Scarlet Letter and secretly father an illegitimate child, leaving your partner to take the fall
9. Jane Eyre and torture the man you love, who is also your boss, by consenting to marry him then leaving him after you discover he has stowed his mentally insane wife in the attic—that's right, he's already married!
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| Actually, Penguin Classics, Jane describes herself as plain and unattractive. Get it together. |
10. The Odyssey and lynch the 12 unfaithful maids who fraternized with your wife's 108 suitors while you were away on business
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| A romance. |
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