A Side Hug on the First Date, A Guy Asked Me Out at Church and it Was Awkward, and the "Good Christian Guy" Label

"Side hug first date like you or not"

Okay, fine. Hugs are meaningful. But still, it really depends on the person doing the hugging. I have friends (guy friends) who real-hug everybody. Everybody. Male. Female. Vulcan. There is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free. That's just how they roll.

I have other friends (guy friends) who will never real-hug any woman they are not related to, other than their wives.

Do I have thoughts on this? Maybe.

Maybe, if you pressed me (ha), I might start talking about the unhealthy sexualization of any and all physical contact. This happens in the church and elsewhere. [Full disclosure: I attended a discipleship program in which side-hugs were THE RULE between guys and girls].

As a side note, there's nothing quite like going in for a hug, only to have the guy draw back in terror, to make you an awkward hugger.

You're wondering whether the side hug was a "Thanks, but no thanks." Maybe. My gut says yes, but I could be wrong. Maybe this person wants to save real hugs for marriage. Who knows.

The tip-off for me is whether or not they initiated the hug. If it were me, I would rather avoid hugging altogether than go in for a side hug. All or nothing, baby.

"A man offering a side hug to a woman"

I say sidestep him. Then tackle him in a bear hug. Oh, you want to know what it means? No clue. Why don't you ask him.

"A guy asked me out church awkward"

Was he awkward or was the asking out at church awkward? Were beads of sweat rolling down his forehead? Did he preface it with, "I know you only see me as a brother in Christ, but..."? Did he storm the stage, grab the microphone from the pastor and ask you out right then and there? Did he ask you out on a date to church (now that's awkward)?

Was it cute awkward or socially awkward awkward? I dunno, I'm kind of impressed with this guy for asking you out. I say go out for coffee, then if you're not feeling it, make it a point to side hug him at the end. He'll know what's up.

"Good Christian guy" label

"Good Christian guy" is in quotation marks for a reason you have rightfully ascertained: it's basically a cop out.

It's patronizing. It's BS. It's patronizing BS.

It's tantamount to being a nice guy, as in, "He's a nice guy, but..."

Instead of calling someone a "good Christian guy," why not refer to him as "the most generous person I know," or "my best friend," or "the bomb diggity at ultimate frisbee."

So much better. 

"How to drag girls to have sex on fb"

Please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person, please don't be a real person...

That's it, folks. May you real-hug a member of the opposite sex with pure or impure motives, and may it mean as much or as little as you want it to mean. And may no one ever refer to you as a "good Christian guy." Good luck. May the hugs be ever in your favor.



More hugging advice here. 

Rape and the Art of Storytelling

So, I was watching a video at church the other day, and the subject turned to rape. Specifically, the man and woman being interviewed knew both the victim and the perpetrator before the rape happened. 

And the man in the video said, and I paraphrase: "As much as I wanted to hate him [the perpetrator], I couldn't, insofar as his life would also never be the same." 

This is about rape. And the stories we tell:

[Insert name here] had such a promising future as a [football star - leader - contributing member of society]. But then he raped someone. And now his life will never be the same. 

Or, “These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives."

See also, Steubenville.

This story has been told before. It will be told again. 

The story follows a simple before and after structure: 

Before raping someone: Promising future

After raping someone: Life never the same

Given how many different narratives we could impose on rape, why is this narrative so pervasive? 

I don't know. 

Logically, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and it tends to elide or gloss over the very crux of the story: 

[Perpetrator] raped [victim]

The before/after narrative conceals the key cause/effect relationship in the story: 

Cause: Committed rape

Effect: Life never the same

This has the odd effect of conflating raping with being raped, as in "his life would also never be the same."

"I was raped": my life will never be the same. 

"I raped someone": my life will never be the same. 

I would argue that this is a false equivalence. Raping and being raped are not the same thing. The promising-future/life-never-the-same narrative obscures, almost denies, the key difference between raping and being raped: 

Choice. Volition. Will. 

If we take that away, we are left with a rapist who rapes through no active choice of his own. Rape is something that "just happens" to young men with promising futures, like a cholera outbreak or a really bad blind date.

To return to the first story: At what point in time was the perpetrator's life never the same--was it the moment when he decided to rape someone? During? Immediately after? When he was arrested? The first time he appeared in court? 

And the boys from Steubenville, at what point in time were their lives changed forever--after texting an incriminating picture to friends? Before the party was over? Upon conviction and sentencing? 

I would argue that the timeline is false, the before/after formula invalid. 

In any way that really matters, if you rape someone--if you are the kind of person who would rape someone--your life is already f----.

Ironically (or logically), narratives about rape victims tend to give them a great deal of the very quality rapists are denied--

She chose to wear that, she was sexually active, she willfully tweeted that alluring image. 

Cause. Effect. [You can also substitute CHOICE and CONSEQUENCE]

Cause: Wearing a mini-skirt

Effect: Being raped. 

Or,

Cause: Walking alone at night in a bad part of town.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Getting drunk at a party.

Effect: Being raped. 

Or, 

Cause: Being overtly sexual. Flirting.

Effect: Being raped. 

I could go on, unfortunately.

We impose the cause/effect story on rape victims while simultaneously bewailing the before/after tragedy of rapists. 

Seems a bit backwards to me. 

Notes on Style: The Semicolon

The Short Version

NEVER USE SEMICOLONS, EVER EVER EVER--unless you want to and you know what you're doing.

The Long Version

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.”
- Kurt Vonnegut

I have a theory about semicolons. It goes like this: most people wouldn't know what a semicolon was if it walked up and slapped them in the face with a mackerel. However, the semicolon is one sexy and highly academic-looking punctuation mark, so your average college student will throw a couple in at random whenever he or she is writing a paper. You know, to be smart and stuff. 

STOP THAT. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

Rule #4547 of Grammar: If you don't know what it is or what it does, don't use it!

Semicolons are not your friend. Semicolons are more like your frenemy--your somewhat exotic, strangely hybridized frenemy (transvestite hermaphrodites anyone?), but still. Just like every other kind of punctuation, you must make semicolons work for you, and the only way to do that is to know what they mean. 

Any guesses? Bueller? Look at the semicolon. Look at it. What is it telling you?

;

That's right. Semicolons, despite their name, function nothing like colons (:). Rather, they exist somewhere on the spectrum between a comma and a period.

A semicolon represents an identity crisis of sorts. It's not a full stop, like a period, but neither is it a brief pause, like a comma.

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

-Helen Keller

Here, the semicolon is like, "Hold up, Imma let you finish, but first I need to pause in-between these two complete but related thoughts."

This is important--each unit separated by a semicolon must be a complete grammatical unit (clause).

Either half could stand entirely on its own, i.e.:

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

[If you don't know what a complete sentence is, you might want to mind your subjects and your verbs.]

Notice what happens if we use a comma and a coordinating conjunction instead of a semicolon: "Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much."

INCORRECT/BAD version:

"Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much."

So now we have the original sentence and two grammatically sound variations: 

"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much."

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." 

"Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much." 

Notice the difference in feeling among these three sentences. Which do you like best? Discuss.

Keller's sentence demonstrates two very good reasons to use a semicolon--parallelism and juxtaposition.

"ALONE we can do so LITTLE; TOGETHER we can do so MUCH."

Alone/Together
Little/Much

The semicolon conveys the parallel relationship between the two clauses in the way that a period cannot. In addition, the contrast is starker without the use of a comma and coordinating conjunction.

Can you see now how punctuation can affect style?

The original sentence is statelier and more controlled.

And now, a response to Vonnegut and his semicolon hatred:

"Great quote, but total bullshit. The semicolon is beautiful, the epitome of a soft pause that gives cadence to an otherwise abrupt shift in ongoing thought. The semicolon is delicate and necessary and, if not overused, the most romantic of punctuation marks."

-Jen Knox

Like I said, semicolons can be sexy in a certain light. I don't care for them, but maybe you like that sort of thing. More punctuation power to you. Know what a semicolon is and how to properly use it in a sentence.

Then, go crazy. Walk around with an extra swagger in your step, 'cause, "Yo, I know how to use a semicolon properly, just call me the 'Grammar Gangsta.'"

Go ahead. You have my permission. You're welcome.