Advice From the Google Trenches: Why Men Hug Women They Aren't Dating, How to Tell if a Girl is Hitting on You Through Facebook and No One Has Ever Asked Me Out

This is the fifth installment of "people using Google for advice and somehow ending up at my blog." You can find the other exciting episodes here, here, here and here.

"Why men hug women they aren't dating"

Wait. You mean there is a man out there who hugs women he isn't dating? What a perv!

The next time he goes in for a hug, stop him in his tracks and say, "Excuse me, sir. I need to know your intentions before I agree to hug you."

Just kidding.

Let me take a tentative side-hug at this: A guy (and I'm not naming names here) hugged you (also not naming names because I have no clue who you are) and you want to know if there's something behind it. Like an uncontrollable desire to date you. But maybe he's dating someone else.

A hug can mean a lot of things, like "I'm sorry that your fish died in that freak blender accident" or "Why are we hugging again?" But sometimes a hug is just a hug. Don't overthink it. Now fist-bumps on the other hand...

"If someone asks you out on a date are you a couple?"

No.

"Should you hit on a girl on facebook?"

No!

"How to tell if a girl is hitting on you through facebook"

I would say it's pretty obvious, but in case you're feeling obtuse:

1. She likes all your status updates. Stati. Whatever.
2. She often comments on your posts, if only to say LOL or OMG or OMG THAT KITTEH IS ADORBS!!!
3. She initiates fb chat with you.
4. She suddenly "likes" all of the same things you "like," developing newfound interest for Dragon Ball Z, pleated jeans and competitive bearding. And finally...
5. Your in-person conversations reveal that she is constantly facebook stalking you highly attuned to what's going on in your life.

"No one has ever asked me out" see also "No one decent asks me out" 

Just look at the syntax of that sentence: "No one has ever asked me out." You are making "no one" the grammatical subject of your dating life. Not cool.

Don't project your insecurities onto someone who doesn't even exist. Don't judge yourself by the quality of your suitors (what constitutes "decent" anyway?). You are amazing. And no one can change that, whether they ask you out or not. 

Everyone Wants to Date an INTP

Top 10 reasons to date an INTP:

10. They always give you your space.

9. INTPs strive to see both sides of an issue. This doesn't mean you're halfway to winning every argument, but it's a start.

8. When an INTP likes you, they LIKE you. It's not terribly complicated.

7. INTPs are pretty low-maintenance. Any effort to please them will probably be met first by incredulity, then by gratitude. Okay, sometimes they skip the second step.

6. Their social obliviousness can be cute. At times.

5. They love to cuddle [anecdotal evidence].

Photo by DaiLuo

4. INTPs are unlikely to flirt with other people. Like I said, oblivious.

3. INTPs like talking about their feelings even less than you do. Ew. Feelings. [Hint: Ask them what they think]

2. One word: honesty. INTPs tell it like it is (or at least how they see it). They don't mince words.

1. INTPs are consistently intellectually engaging because they are consistently intellectually engaged.

"That's Not Cool, Bro": Homosociality, Objectification and the Uses of Social Media in Rape Culture

I've been contemplating writing this for a while now. This is the "nice" version, believe it or not. The hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids, hide yo' husbands version is in the works.

Upfront disclaimer: I'm going to talk about rape. And feminism. And Twitter.

Maybe you've heard about the Steubenville, Ohio rape case. Maybe you haven't. You can read about it here or here, but if you don't care to, a few facts about what allegedly took place:

1. Two high school football players sexually assaulted a girl at a party.
2. Many other people were present.
3. Some of these other students / partygoers posted to YouTube or Twitter about the rape.
4. They expressed positive and/or approving thoughts and feelings about the rape [There's a YouTube video of a guy talking and laughing about it].

Now, I think you and I have at least a little bit of difficulty getting into the headspace of a rapist. We probably also have a problem getting into the headspace of anyone who would think of rape as a good thing.

Nevertheless, these people and these reactions exist, so let's think about it for a minute. Okay, more than a minute:

Why would someone think that rape is funny?

There's a lack of identification. There's a lack of empathy. There is perhaps a sense that the victim of rape deserves to be raped.

Then, think about the dynamics of two intersecting phenomena: homosocial approval and social media.

What is homosocial approval?

For the purposes of this blog, homosocial approval is explicit or implicit social approval from other dudes. In the case of Steubenville, this could be an over-identification with football, with high school social status, and with the approval that comes from other guys when you boast about your sexual conquests.

Of course, homosocial approval is not always negative. It can be very positive. But when combined with sexual violence and social media, it becomes something else entirely. See also this incident in which two high school boys took pictures of a girl as they assaulted her (because what's a sexual assault unless you can show pics to your friends later, amiright?).

Like most of us, I have borderline racist and misogynistic friends and/or acquaintances. [I'm sorry, is that harsh? You know what I'm talking about, though. Maybe it's because I have a lot of Christian friends (low blow).]

And the friendly misogynist-next-door--he's unlikely to ever rape anyone. However, he does continue to perpetuate the idea that women are objects. Or, that a woman's primary value is in how she looks. Or that she's fair game as long as she's legal. Or that a woman is responsible for a man's behavior. And that, my friend, is destructive.

I started writing this with a question: How do my male friends respond when their friend says something borderline racist/misogynistic? Does it bother him? Does he say something? Does he shrug it off? Does he laugh nervously?

I guess that was actually a series of questions.

I'm asking you, hypothetical guy friend, to do one thing: withhold your approval. Don't agree. Don't fist bump. Don't retweet. Don't hit "like."

Maybe the phrase "rape culture" makes you mad--because you believe that there is no such thing. That it's a phrase coined by feminists to victimize men. Fine. Forget that phrase. Call it whatever you want. Call it dude-thinks-rape-is-super-funny-in-youtube-video culture. I don't care.

And what about me? I'm female. Guys are supposed to be trying to impress me. Doesn't my approval or lack thereof count too?

It doesn't. Not in the same way. I'm not the target audience here. You try lecturing a guy on manners after he calls you a bitch for turning him down. Or giving a crash course on sexual harassment to the gentleman, and I use that term loosely, who won't take "No" for an answer. It's not gonna happen.

He doesn't care what I think. That crude joke was not for my benefit. It was for you. Not me.

So hey bro, dude, man, whatever. Do me a favor and don't laugh.

It's not that funny, anyway.

The INTP and the Missing "Nice"

There once was an INTP who lived neither far far away nor very very close-by.

And she was happy, living in her little INTP world, doing semi-productive and often baffling INTP things, like cross-referencing ancient poetry and never dusting. 

But one day, as she was making her biweekly visit to Extrovert-World, she said something not-nice, and the people gasped. "That's not NICE," said no one in particular.

"What?" The INTP was befuddled.

"Not NICE," repeated no one.

"Oh," said the INTP.

The INTP returned to her little INTP world and thought hard about what she had said. Though the intent was not to hurt anyone, someone had been hurt. This made her sad.

"I must not have this 'NICE' that they speak of," she concluded, vowing to do her best to find it. But search as she would, she could not find the NICE that seemed to come so easily to everyone else.

The INTP's visits to Extrovert-World became fewer and farther between.

"Better to be safe than sorry," she thought.

TO BE CONTINUED...