We're standing, alone, in the middle of a field, just me and the boy that likes me. It's recess. Is there snow on the ground? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm in third grade. I live in Maine. There probably is snow on the ground.
"What do you think?"
"What do I think about what?"
"What do you think about me?"
I pause. What kind of question is that?
"I guess...I'm amused."
"Amused??"
But wait, it gets worse.
"Yeah, amused. Do you need to look it up in the dictionary??"
Emotional confrontations. Never my strong point.
I would say, never corner a girl in the middle of a field during recess and demand to know how she feels about you. But really, isn't that what we all want, to some extent?
Not the recess part necessarily, but the clarity--I've made my feelings clear. Now you can tell me if you feel the same way.
When I was in fourth grade, I moved to China. Do you know what fourth graders think China looks like? Little grass huts, everywhere.
In third grade, I was in the advanced reading and spelling groups. In spelling, we learned words like "vacuum" and "restaurant."
I told a boy I was "amused."
Years later, and not much has changed. What if your entire romantic future is basically laid out for you in the third grade? I don't like people easily. I'm bad at discussing feelings. I'm a bit arrogant about my large vocabulary. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, in the wrong tone of voice. Perhaps, one day, someone will find these qualities endearing.
You know what China looks like? China looks like a big city where I don't speak the language and there are too many cars and too many bicycles. I will learn the language. I will explore the city. I will write back to my fourth grade class and disabuse them of their little grass huts, everywhere. But not yet. For now, China looks like a big city where I am a foreigner and I don't speak the language.
You know what? There was definitely snow on the ground. Definitely. I'm sure of it.
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