Your first fb message to a girl, awkward first date hugs, and how to know if an INTP likes you : Advice From The Google Trenches

These are all google searches that led to my blog. I offer advice to the hapless masses.

"First fb message to a girl"

First off, I applaud your ingenuity and forward-thinking--you are using facebook as an online dating website. Bravo, my friend. Bravo. Your pioneering spirit is an inspiration to us all.

After painstakingly selecting this praiseworthy and promising specimen of womanhood ["hot chick who might make out with me"], all that remains is to craft that perfect first missive that will win her heart [convince her to come over and "watch a movie"].

So ask yourself: What do you have in common with this person? Do you have a mutual friend? Do you both like the same kind of music? Do you use the same hair products? Does she resemble your best buddy Thor from kindergarten?

Now take that thing that you have in common and use it in a sentence. Yes, this is third grade. Go ahead. I'll wait.

"I LOVE Five Iron Frenzy. They were my favorite band in college. Have you ever been to one of their shows?"

You get the idea.

Now, you're going to do something a little daring. It's scary, but trust me. A brave, dashing gentleman such as yourself--who would be so bold, courageous even, as to message a girl on fb--can handle a little bit of risk.

Think about how you might suggest meeting up with a friend, then extend that invitation to her--even better if you can connect it to the thing that you have in common.

"I was going to sample all 31 flavors of Baskin-Robbins on Thursday. Wanna join?"

"But wait," you say, "what if she says no?"

Unlikely. She probably won't respond at all.

Newsflash: There is no magical formula for getting a girl to message you back. There is no forumla for getting a girl to go out with you or have sex with you. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.

Nevertheless, establishing rapport (mutual interests) and actually asking her out might set you apart from the other dudes out there, whose first messages read something like,

"dam u sexy"

Thanks?

"Awkward first date hug"

Wow. There are evidently a lot of awkward hugs going down on first dates. And I mean, it makes sense. First dates are usually a little bit anxiety-inducing and hugging a stranger is an implosion of awkward just waiting to happen.

Here are some tips:

1. Read his/her body language.

It's the end of the date. Is he slowly backing away from you while saying, "Thanks! I had a great time"? Is she facing you at an angle and looking toward the door? Is he not making any eye contact at all? Is she clutching her purse to her chest and running away? DO NOT HUG.

2. If you're not sure one way or the other, ask.

Take a step forward and if they don't balk or back away say, "Awkward hug?" or "Can I hug you?" This is helpful because it lets the other person know that you are not going to try to kiss them. It also lets them know that you want to hug them. Because you are a friendly person and you like hugging people, dammit.

3. Don't panic.

That agonizing pause between saying your goodbyes and the possible physical manifestation of the conclusion of your date will pass. Trust me.

4. Flee.

This one is my favorite. Simply vacate the scene, swiftly, precluding any awkward hugging that might occur. You risk alienating your date, of course. But anything is better than an awkward first date hug. Right?

"Flirt with intp"

Now this is my kind of question. INTPs can be hard to flirt with because they're not always tuned in to "I'm hitting on you" social cues. If you try to flirt with them as if they were, uh, normal, they might just give you a dirty look, as in, "What's wrong with you?"

Don't take it personally. If you want to flirt with an INTP, I would:

1. Ask them questions about what they think.

What have you been reading lately?
What topic has been of interest to you?
Do you have any thoughts on ___?

2. Notice the nuances of their arguments/statements/thoughts. Push them to elaborate.

I notice you used the word ___ about ___. What do you mean by that? What about ___? Would that also apply?

3. Listen and let them finish their thought before interjecting.

4. Offer your own ideas, building on / responding to what they said and creating a brand new work of thought origami.

That's hot!

"How to know if an intp likes you"

1. They talk to you.

[Yes, this is a big one.]

2. They want to know what you think and how you think.

3. They ask you a lot of questions.

4. They tell you all their theories.

5. They blush when they talk to you.

Oh wait. That's just me. Nevermind. Nothing to see here. What are you looking at.

Bullshit

Everyone has it. Everyone knows what it is.

The telltale sign that something coming out of someone else's mouth is complete mierda?

Your eyes start to glaze over. You resist the urge to roll them. You carefully control the corners of your mouth.

"Uh huh."

It's a lot like BO--we're so good at discerning other people's stench and so bad at recognizing our own.

You know what I want to call bullshit on?

"Everyone wants someone who will call them on their bullshit."

There's no way that can be true. Maybe on a micro-level. Like, "Hey, as far as I can tell, you're not going to Coachella for the music" or "I'm pretty sure you fake laughed at your girlfriend's joke."

No one wants to get called out on the big stuff.

"Hey bro, you continually take on projects that you have no chance of completing so that you can avoid your own persistent sense of failure."

"You constantly talk about how 'hot' you are, but at your core you feel unlovely and unloveable."

"You complain about how stressful your job is, but secretly you get off on it."

"You find it so easy to criticize other people's efforts, but you can't even attempt work of your own."

You wanna know what goes hand-in-hand with bullshit (no, not rhetorical questions)?

Self-deception.

We all do it. I'm pretty sure we even need a certain dose of it just to survive. The truth, it burns. Self-deception, it goes without saying, preempts growth. It also keeps us safe.

I know I don't want to be called out on my bullshit. It's too painful.

Unfortunately, your bullshit is not just your own. It affects the people around you. Sorry to break it to you, but your bullshit is hurting other people.

Your bullshit is hurting me. It's hurting you too. I want better for you.

And I know, it's probably rooted in deep insecurity, possibly even self-loathing, and you're not even aware that you're doing it.

[Indirect putdowns are the worst.]

And my bullshit is hurting other people. I'm sorry. And I'm working on it.