It's been a rough couple of months. You know when a situation quickly escalates from bad to The Room (except it's too immediate to even be funny yet)?
When I'm not hiding in my closet, crying, or hiding in my closet crying, I've been doing some crisis-induced thinking. Except when it feels like CRISIS and not just unfortunate-situation-I'm-trying-to-deal-with, it gets really hard to think clearly.
When I'm in fight-or-flight mode I really only want to do one of two things:
1) Run away.
2) Punch someone in the face.
3) Punch someone in the face and then run away.
Okay, that was three things, but you get the idea.
That's the downside of crisis. Calm, rational thought goes right into the proverbial whirring garbage disposal (along with, unfortunately, the ability to execute normal day-to-day functions like brainstorming my next crockpot recipe and wearing matching socks. Wait--who am I kidding. I can't even manage that on a good day).
I feel like I'm in the midst of emotional warfare, but they brought a [insert military grade weapon here] and I brought a paper clip and a stick of chewing gum (In case you were wondering, I'm losing).
Add to this the fact that my emotional reaction time is basically glacial. If you stab me repeatedly with a piece of broken glass I might say "ouch" roughly two weeks later. Imagine how long it takes me to heal. Yeah.
And just as the wound appears to be scabbing over, I get stabbed, again, by someone who keeps telling me they would rather succumb to a flesh-eating disease than hurt me. It's confusing as #$@!.
But I digress. The upside.
Recognizing that I am a human person with human limitations
Unspoken Rule #178 - Do not be weak.
Unspoken Rule #3 - Don't be a victim.
Unspoken Rule #65 - If you cry, expect to be made fun of. Oh, and if you do cry, people are secretly judging you for being overly emotional and "weak."
Unspoken Rule #82 - Never allow yourself to be dependent on someone else.
Unspoken Rule #77 - If you are dependent on someone else, they will resent you. For being weak.
Unspoken Rule #34 - Do not ask for help.
Unspoken Rule #91 - You need to figure this out on your own.
Unspoken Rule #117 - The worst thing you can do is feel sorry for yourself.
Learning the signs of "I'm not okay"
I feel like this must be easier for other people. Maybe not. It takes me days (it feels like) to even realize that I'm upset. I analyze and compartmentalize my emotions as if they are completely separate from me, kind of like other people might organize their DVD collection by genre, director or year of release.
"I'm filing all my Wes Anderson movies under M for 'melancholy.'"
Acknowledging some hard-to-accept truths about myself
Hard Truth #35 - I don't have a ton of automatic respect for authority, power, position, or the status quo.
Hard Truth #21 - I have a near-crippling fear of disapproval from authority figures.
Hard Truth #88 - I think I'm better than the rules. See also Hard Truth #35 & Hard Truth #21. See also, COMPLETELY SCREWED.
Hard Truth #103 - Subverting the system makes me gleeful and somewhat smug. [Thanks a lot, Dad.]
Hard Truth #999 - I ride my bike to work, drink fruit-oatmeal-spinach-flaxseed smoothies, and attend the occasional yoga class. Yes, I have become THAT person.
I have really awesome friends
They would be awesome even if I wasn't going through a crisis or CRISIS. Thanks you guys. It is because of you that I have yet to either run away or punch someone in the face or both.
I'm going to get through this.
